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Lionheart
MEHGA
12142 Posts
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Mother in Law is literally doing the exact opposite of everything we are asking her to do with the newborn.

Damn baby boomers complain about us being spoiled and entitled all the time and yet somehow parenting peaked in the 80s and anything new doesn't make any sense.

12/25/2016 11:43:28 PM

NCSUStinger
Suspended
60645 Posts
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You have your own ideas as to how to raise my grandchildren, how dare you?

12/26/2016 7:26:45 AM

colangus
All American
505 Posts
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Our 3 year old is a fucking handful. So bad that we're in the midst of a number of tests to see if he has some sort of autism. On Wednesday we just got back from the first big test where we were told he's showing some signs.

Anyway, right when we got back from the appointment I was pretty much in a shitty mood... then the in-laws get here. I know they're trying to be supportive, but if I hear "he's not autistic; he'll grow out of it" I'll shoot myself. It's like we're fucking imagining this shit.

Then the in-laws tell me how our son is like his uncle and will be fine. BTW, his uncle is an OK guy. Except for being a head case who's been in rehab twice, divorced twice, and not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Yeah, I really hope my son will be like his uncle.

I love my father in-law, but he's a drunk and I had enough of his diagnosis... so I had to politely tell him to STFU.

He understood; but then kept talking about it.

[Edited on December 26, 2016 at 9:54 AM. Reason : .]

12/26/2016 9:53:06 AM

BanjoMan
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I would be very defensive when it comes to Autism diagnoses.

12/26/2016 10:46:48 AM

MrGreen
All American
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were you the same way when you got your diagnosis? or were you too young to care

12/26/2016 11:16:31 AM

colangus
All American
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What? Is it a sin to admit my 3 year old is an absolute pain? Constant struggle?

My bad. I'm so happy sweet baby jesus gave us a gift.

12/26/2016 11:55:13 AM

BanjoMan
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Being defensive about facing a diagnosis is not the same as ignoring your child. You always want to pay attention to your kid's development, to asses his/her weaknesses and help him with these difficulties as soon as possible. The problem with Autism is that it is a label that will give a lot of educators/parents the excuse card to ignore their kids development and blame it on the kid being somehow at fault or impaired.

I would try finding a doctor that is gonna asses where the child is underperforming, and then work on improving these areas every day before resorting to a diagnoses.


[Edited on December 26, 2016 at 12:45 PM. Reason : w]

12/26/2016 12:36:24 PM

colangus
All American
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Great points BJ. I should have included a lengthy backstory in my original post.

We're trying to figure out why our 3 year old is not progressing like his older brother or his classmates. We're not looking for a handicap pass to hang on our rearview mirror. We're trying to determine how to best approach this.

But to get back on topic, it's annoying when family who comes every Christmas (only see them once a year) continuously tells us that our kid is fine. Like we're imagining this or it's some Munchausen by proxy.

12/26/2016 12:54:55 PM

JeffreyBSG
All American
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Quote :
"Mother in Law is literally doing the exact opposite of everything we are asking her to do with the newborn.
"


Then tell her to do the exact opposite of what you actually want. Problem solved.

12/26/2016 1:19:59 PM

Str8BacardiL
Real Estate Agent
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I just got screamed at and berated by my MIL on the phone when she called me, by the end of the call I convinced her to let me return the yeti-man-purse cooler she got me for Christmas and throw that $$ on a 4k TV.

12/26/2016 8:18:35 PM

ShawnaC123
All American
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I'm pretty sure if I ever had kids, my mom would do this same shit. Her time with them would be really limited, so then she could get emo about how she doesn't really have a relationship with any of her grandkids. Might be time for some introspection.

12/26/2016 9:33:37 PM

Klatypus
All American
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first off, all I could focus on in BJs post was
Quote :
"asses "



secondly, colangus you are doing a good job and it is important to your health and your kids to understand them better. There are many types of autism, so perhaps he is the sensory overload kind (I kind of fall near that category) where they can be overstimulated with noises, lights, people etc and they become intolerable because they have reached their limits. You might want to recite in your head what response you want to have to that statement of "oh no he's not autistic" , eventually you will probably snap and respond in a less than pleasant way and you'll want to make your point clear. It helps if you tell them you understand their perspective, but you are taking this seriously and you would appreciate their support as a parent because this is hard enough without the peanut gallery.

Part of what banjo said is useful, obviously this is completely your decision, but I would not tell the school or teachers about his diagnosis, whatever it might be. They are teachers, this won't be the first high strung kid they met. Just be sure you are diligent and work with your child to have manners and be mindful of other people. They get labelled, BY SOME educators, and it might not be a case where the teacher ever has to know. Just a thought.

And I am sorry Lionheart, inlaws are pretty terrible about that. If they are really doing something destructive to your child's development I would either (you may have tried this) have a very serious and potentially upsetting conversation with them. The easier, but slightly more depressing way is to restrict time with grandparents and keep them supervised. If they are not stupid, they will see the trend... they might become resentful, and it's kind of sad to deprive your child of living and loving grandparents. It really sucks that they can't listen and are putting you in that position.


my husband's family is pretty great most of the time, but I will be happy not to see them for at least 6 months because I have had my fill

12/27/2016 12:32:50 PM

Lionheart
MEHGA
12142 Posts
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Mother in law calls me at 3:00 on a Monday afternoon while I'm at work wanting DVD player support.

3/20/2017 5:51:55 PM

TreeTwista10
Cool Jerk
136132 Posts
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3/20/2017 6:42:49 PM

sawahash
All American
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Hey, colangus, Keep at it with the testing and assessments. Public schools are getting better and better at working with children with autism. Not only EC teachers, but regular ed teachers are receiving a ton of training and support with how to best work with children with autism.

Also, finding out that you child has autism can greatly help you learn to work with behavior issues. Children with autism need discipline just as much, if not more, than typical children. You're doing the right thing.

3/20/2017 7:48:51 PM

jbrick83
All American
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My in-laws are pretty awesome. They are pretty laid back and like to drink...so very fun to hang out with for a week or two (which we do once or twice a year). But we did just live with them for 5+ month while an addition was constructed on our house...which was tough. But now we're out and I'm back to liking them again.

My mother, on the other hand, has become unbearable. Over the past five or six years, she's somehow become all-knowing and extremely defensive if you question her or go against her advice. That same defensiveness means that you can't talk about these issues you're having (with both my sister and I). My mom is an awesome person (current issues aside) and does a lot of stuff my sister, myself, and her grandchildren...but I think we're getting very close to a breaking point.

3/21/2017 7:52:56 AM

Str8BacardiL
Real Estate Agent
41081 Posts
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MIL wants me to build a garage on my property with an apartment over it for her to live in

3/21/2017 8:48:29 AM

BSTE02
All American
1486 Posts
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Quote :
"MIL wants me to build a garage on my property with an apartment over it for her to live in "


Sounds like a good way to get a garage, but tread lightly. Better than moving in the basement, which my MIL keeps telling me she will move in when her substantially older husband passes. Thankfully, my wife would like that less than I would.

3/21/2017 10:22:18 AM

colangus
All American
505 Posts
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Yeah, we finally got him diagnosed and he falls in the ASD... "spectrum disorder"... I'm seeing this phrase not only regarding autism, but other diagnoses.

Just found out yesterday from the wife that her employer's insurance won't cover ABA therapy; so we're gonna have go out of pocket up to $20k dollars. The doctors recommended 15 hours each week of ABA therapy... get this; at the rate of $45/hr.

The wife was in tears. I'm pretty cool with it. I don't care about the money. I never see it anyway as she handles the money. I just slave away working for myself.

To tie this back to the topic, my mother inlaw (who's fucking awesome) thinks we should wait until the next school year to see if we can get financial help from Charmeck schools. But my wife has been told repeatedly that it's critical to jump on this as early as possible.

3/21/2017 11:57:40 AM

ssclark
Black and Proud
13895 Posts
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^ DSM 5 changed a lot of things... namely a lot of previous diagnosis for attention, language, behavior, and socialization issues dont exist anymore, and instead have all been rolled into Autism spectrum disorder where different mixes of problems place you "along the spectrum."

For kids it doesn't mean all that much, just that there's new codes to bill for and they've finally realized they can't neatly box kids into specific diagnosis and instead recognize each kid is an individual and has different needs specific to that child.

I'm not a psychiatrist yet ... so take my opinion with a grain of salt, however, while it's true... the literature does support earlier intervention approving outcomes, it's not like there's a hard day where if you don't start before that day he might as well live in a padded room. The earlier the better clearly, but you have to do what's right for your family just as much as what's right for your child. That's only a decision you can make. Having a terrible home life because you're resentful of the money you had to spend is going to counteract any progress you might make through therapy.

3/21/2017 7:16:24 PM

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