By Tom Peyer

TRANSCRIPT OF JESUS CHRIST'S REMARKS AT A REPUBLICAN PARTY FUND-RAISER, CRAWFORD, TEXAS, AUGUST 2005

Thank you, Mr. Chairman. I'm going to have a hard time living up to an introduction like that. (LAUGHTER)

First, let Me express My gratitude for your support over the last few years. It's nice to be thought of as a winner for a change. If I had known we'd get the House, the Senate, and two consecutive terms in the White House (APPLAUSE)—if I'd known all that, I would have had an easier time that Friday on the Cross, let me tell you. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

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But seriously, folks (LAUGHTER)—no, seriously, that day did pass, and then two more. Then I rose from the dead. (CHEERS, APPLAUSE) Thank you. I rose from the dead and I flew up to Heaven. But first, you'll remember, I made a little side trip to Hell (SCATTERED BOOS) just to get a look at how they do things. And I'm here to tell you, Hell is just like Heaven (AUDIBLE GASPS)—but with taxes. (LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

I'd especially like to thank President Bush, who gave me a free Pioneer membership. (AUDIBLE GASPS, MUTTERING) Was I not supposed to say that? Sorry. My point is, the president's a good man. The only real difference between Me and him is his daddy found a way to forgive Bill Clinton. (WILD APPLAUSE)

This president married well, too. He married a woman. (CHEERS, APPLAUSE) That's the right way. That's the way my Dad intended. Respect the sanctity of marriage. Now a few loud people keep saying the government should forget about sanctity, forget about religion. They want separation of church and state. See these hands? See the holes in them? That's separation of church and state. (APPLAUSE) I know George W. Bush, and I know he won't ever let that happen to me again. (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Ken Mehlman asked me to come down here today to meet with you good people and clear up a few things you've been wondering about. I told him I'd be glad to eat a little crow for a good cause. You'll forgive me if I read a brief prepared statement, but Ken and my Dad want me to get this just right. (LAUGHTER) Here goes.

'In My youth, I made certain ill-advised statements that I now regret. If I offended anyone, I apologize. I want to clarify that it is easy for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven. (CHEERS, WILD APPLAUSE)

'I'd like to apologize specifically to the money-changers. It is My sincere hope that you will come back into the Temple free of charge as My guests.' (WILD APPLAUSE, CHANT OF 'U.S.A! U.S.A!')

Finally—and this is Me speaking for Myself now—I want to say to the meek: Once we finally get rid of the death tax, you're not inheriting anything. Not while you're meek, so buck up. (CHEERS) And that goes double for you peacemakers. (LAUGHTER) Good night and Dad bless America. (CHEERS, WILD APPLAUSE)"

http://slate.msn.com/id/2124768/fr/rss/

probably old, but ive never seen it.

8/25/2005 2:11:41 PM

I don't get it... Why does eliminating the death tax prevent inheritance?

8/25/2005 2:26:08 PM

That gave me pause, too.

8/25/2005 2:28:55 PM

Quote :

"They want separation of church and state. See these hands? See the holes in them? That's separation of church and state. "

uhm
not to get too serious in this thread
but that is a direct church + state thing there

the sanhedrin et. al couldn't take jesus out on their own, so they had the empire do it for them

8/25/2005 2:53:19 PM

I laughed, that was pretty funny. Whoever wrote that has some comedic talent.

8/25/2005 2:58:37 PM

Quote :

"I don't get it... Why does eliminating the death tax prevent inheritance?"

I think the point he's making is that once the death tax is eliminated, there will be no government sponsored redistribution of wealth the way there is with the death tax. It's a stretch but I get what he means

8/25/2005 3:03:59 PM

Quote :

"See these hands? See the holes in them? That's separation of church and state. "

oh really?

8/25/2005 3:10:51 PM

and many scholars believe the judas turned Jesus in because he thought it would bring about the warrior King Jesus

because he wanted a theocracy

8/25/2005 3:17:47 PM

maybe ive got my history wrong, but after he rose from the dead did jesus not go on a horrific and bloody conquest of western europe?

8/25/2005 3:52:10 PM

Well, he did have that lust for glory.

8/25/2005 3:53:39 PM

I respect the man's morals but I dont think he was made out into a martyr for religious freedom as he should have been. The cross was twisted into a marketing tool. Jesus never said he was the son/incarnate of God, that was only said after he died.

[Edited on August 25, 2005 at 3:57 PM. Reason : BAM!]

8/25/2005 3:57:19 PM

uhm
what?

8/25/2005 4:38:03 PM

^^ At least, many scholars believe that to be the case. The phrases from Jesus' teachings that have been "verified" as his actual words don't include the stuff about being the son of god.

Also, many translations of his words have him saying "son of man," which was a colloquial term at the time and in no way related to being the son of god.

Of course, this is all just speculation. WE can never know for sure.

I, for one, don't believe Jesus existed. At least, not as one person. He's a composite of real and mythical people.

8/25/2005 7:03:52 PM

Quote :

"And the angel of the lord came unto me, snatching me up from my place of slumber. And took me on high, and higher still until we moved to the spaces betwixt the air itself. And he brought me into a vast farmland of our own midwest. And as we descended, cries of impending doom rose from the soil. One thousand, nay a million voices full of fear. And terror possesed me then. And I begged, "Angel of the Lord, what are these tortured screams?" And the angel said unto me, "These are the cries of the carrots, the cries of the carrots! You see, Reverend Maynard, tomorrow is harvest day and to them it is the holocaust!" And I sprang from my slumber drenched in sweat like the tears of one million terrified brothers and roared, "Hear me now, I have seen the light! They have a consciousness, they have a life, they have a soul! Damn you! Let the rabbits wear glasses! Save our brothers!" Can I get an amen? Can I get a hallelujah? Thank you Jesus."

[Edited on August 25, 2005 at 7:21 PM. Reason : ]

8/25/2005 7:20:32 PM