I'm not trying to make a sappy love thread here, but as I've gotten older and an increasing number of my friends have been getting engaged and married, the whole 'life commitment' thing has been in my face more than usual.

I asked one of my best friends how she knew her husband was the one she wanted to marry and she said, "I just knew". She also said that every time she went somewhere after she'd met her husband, she stopped doing a visual "sweep" of the room to see if there were any attractive men.

So my question is...

If you're married, how did you know that your husband or wife is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?

If you're divorced, how did you think that your husband or wife was the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with and what proved you wrong in the end?

11/28/2005 3:23:56 PM

Actually, this is a fairly interesting thread.

11/28/2005 3:32:01 PM

more like ladywhodontknows

11/28/2005 3:33:08 PM

i know why you limited it to folks who are married, but i dont think that'sthe best guideline to use.

some folks get married and stay married not b/c they're "the one" for each other, but b/c divorce isn't an option, or it's a marriage of convenience, or b/c they haven't bothered with the paperwork yet

although there prolly aren't many of those types on here

11/28/2005 3:35:46 PM

I'm not married yet, but I'm getting married in a couple of months. We've been together for just over 3 years.

I knew he was the one when I realized, "Gee, no one else would put up with my crazy shit."

11/28/2005 3:38:11 PM

and neither will he. Give him a few years.

11/28/2005 3:39:36 PM

mm i love my boo because theres no one else in the world that listens or knows me as well and i cant live without him

11/28/2005 3:41:17 PM

thx babe!

11/28/2005 3:42:05 PM

The boy and I are rather pragmatic about it. We both agree that there is no such thing as "the one" and that there is no one person out there meant for you. We think that it's a matter of finding someone that you love AND you're willing to work at a relationship with because it's not always going to be a bed of roses and it's not always going to come easily.

11/28/2005 3:43:52 PM

I have another question. Why get married? Why isn't live just enough?

11/28/2005 3:45:46 PM

tax breaks

11/28/2005 3:46:54 PM

Is that it? Is it really worth it though? IMO, it's not. A cohabitating relationship is much easier to walk away from and usually doesn't involve lawyers. Plus, I don't like the idea of half of everything being mine. I feel that each partner's finances should be separate from the other partners and am looking for someone who feels the same way. I personally don't think married couples should get any tax breaks.

11/28/2005 3:49:39 PM

then dont get married.

11/28/2005 3:50:17 PM

I think what happens is that women get attached to every guy that they date and think he is the one. That way, when they finally get married they can say "I knew he was the one all along" despite the fact that she said that about every other guy before him.

It's like when a pregnant girl tells two different guys that she is 100% sure he is the father. That way, when the tests are done whomever gets stuck with the baby has to listen to "I told you all along that it was you."

As for the men's side; well I don't know. I guess we find a girl with a good ratio of pros to cons and stick with her.

[Edited on November 28, 2005 at 3:53 PM. Reason : s]

11/28/2005 3:52:29 PM

Some people get married thinking it's the end all be all of existence. Like bottombaby says, it's not always a bed of roses and people often don't think about this before they make the "plunge" into marriage. I am madly in love with my husband. We have tons of stuff in common, but not so much that it gets boring, and we both love each other and would do anything for one another.

You can't quantify it and say that Point A is where you have to be in each relationship before marriage because each relationship is different. Just know that you have to make each other truly happy, but you also have to think about the road ahead and realize there will be bumps. Luckily, my husband and I moved away for grad school, so we've had to deal with things like financial problems and homesickness on our own. It has made the relationship even stronger...

11/28/2005 3:52:59 PM

well since we're getting technical, cohabitation is still illegal in NC

11/28/2005 3:53:59 PM

it is interesting how as you get older your perception of love and romance changes. when i was younger, sure, i believed in "the one" and all that romeo and juliet bullshit you see in the movies.

now, i'd say i am far, far more practical concerning relationships. i definitely do not believe in "the one". and i'd say there are many "ones" - as in there are many people who are potentially compatible, some moreso than others. when i met my husband, it wasn't love at first sight, there were no fireworks. that is not saying we don't have "sparks" or chemistry. but our relationship is built on similarities, common goals, common beliefs, strong respect for one another, and a firm friendship. that is foreign to a lot of people as it isn't your typical swept off your feet romantic.

we "knew" when we realized just how similarly we viewed the world, how similar our goals, and beliefs were. and of course there was attraction. we realized that we were compatible life-mates and that a life together would be fullfilling.

[Edited on November 28, 2005 at 3:58 PM. Reason : er]

11/28/2005 3:56:31 PM

^^But you can still be considered common law after a certain amount of time. My friend's parents never married, but they had 4 kids and had lived together for so long that they're considered common law husband and wife...

[Edited on November 28, 2005 at 3:57 PM. Reason : .]

11/28/2005 3:56:46 PM

^^ The friend part is definitely important because there can't always be the lust and fireworks from the beginning of the relationship.

11/28/2005 3:58:51 PM

I would never stay with someone that long for it to matter. I can't imagine being with one person for the rest of my life. It's as foreign to me as speaking in Japanese. Maybe that will change, I don't know. That said I don't feel it fair for married couples to get tax breaks while single and cohabitating people don't. I see no reason why their relationship should be elevated to the point to where they pay less taxes.

11/28/2005 4:01:49 PM

Quote :

"But you can still be considered common law after a certain amount of time."

not in NC - I think there's only one remaining state with common-law marriage laws

11/28/2005 4:03:54 PM

^ Hmm.. could this have changed within the past 10 years or so? My friend's parents told me this when I was 7 or 8....

11/28/2005 4:08:31 PM

well a lot of people still think that common law exists so the fact that they told you it doesn't mean its true...

i dunno when it changed. but i know it is changed for sure now.

11/28/2005 4:12:08 PM

Yeah, I looked it up and there's only a few states left that consider common law marriage legal.


Don't you hate it when you realize adults were feeding you lies when you were younger, leading you to believe what they said was true? Oh well...

[Edited on November 28, 2005 at 4:18 PM. Reason : .]

11/28/2005 4:17:56 PM

i think getting divorced would send me into a funk far beyond that of zxappeal

11/28/2005 4:28:31 PM

i have a friend who has been with his girl for 9 years...he calls her his wife but they've never been married...the other night i asked him why he didnt just marry her if he knew they were going to be together forever because at least then they would have tax breaks

he told me that they already have a kid together and are working on a second and that they actually get more of a tax break by not being married...his "wife" gets a lot since she is legally considered a single mother of 1, soon to be 2



[Edited on November 28, 2005 at 4:33 PM. Reason : asdf]

11/28/2005 4:33:04 PM

i'm pretty sure the marriage penalty has been eliminated by now... If he's getting any tax benefit, I'm sure its very minimal and not nearly what it sounds like he's representing it as.

I know that single mothers get nice welfare benefits, but that if they live with a guy - even if he's not their husband - the benefits get cut

11/28/2005 4:36:58 PM

There's a "feeling" you get when you find "the one"--it's like all the puzzle pieces finally fit...ya know?

11/28/2005 4:49:43 PM

"Don't marry the person you could stand to live with. Marry the person you couldn't stand to live without."

[Edited on November 28, 2005 at 5:01 PM. Reason : and I don't mean that teenage romance bullshit]

11/28/2005 5:01:10 PM

^that's a cool quote

11/28/2005 5:06:18 PM

Quote :

"we "knew" when we realized just how similarly we viewed the world, how similar our goals, and beliefs were."

that's how i've always thought of my "one". sure, we might have differences, but not on the big things. a relationship like that just wouldn't ever work, b/c i'm stubborn, and want someone stubborn.
I've only ever dated one guy, and i figured if he can and is willing to put up with
- the ugly
- the crazy
- the bitchiness
and i can still stand and adore him, he's a keeper. it wasn't until i started dating him that i was able to describe what i'd been looking for (which was, very simply, the best of my dad and grandfather, without the religious fanaticism or severe mental disorder). sure, i had some vague criteria:
- trustworthy, by my standards
- intelligent, and always wanting to learn
- funny/humorous/smartassed. it's hard to be as intelligent as i like and not have a good sense of humor, and vice versa.
- honest - this includes so duplicity or playing social games, with me or other people
- kind/considerate/gentle
- ambitious/hard-working. i don't give a damn how much money you pull in if you do your job well, you're passionate about something productive, or the thought of sitting around and doing nothing but traveling while living off of some inheritance scares the shit out of you.

if you asked me right now if my bf is "the one" , i'd tell you yes. if he ends up not, he's a damn good learning experience. but since we're both pretty damn picky and we both know what we want and what we dislike, i doubt things will change much. we've already dealt with several of the biggest stressors relationships typically encounter.

[Edited on November 28, 2005 at 5:29 PM. Reason : .]

11/28/2005 5:28:46 PM

on a side note i got engaged saturday

11/28/2005 9:59:38 PM

I have been dating Jeff for over 6 years now and we are planning the wedding for May 6th. Iknew he was the one when I missed him after a day or two, when he was the first person I called to share big news, when I could HONESTLY say that I'd sacrifice anything for his happiness.

More than anything Jeff is my best friend, I just happen to find him attractive too and that has made for a wonderful 6 years so far.

I dated a couple of guys I was serious about but I couldn't picture myself with them down the road and I had no desire to start a family with them. They were great guys who were a blast to date but I knew after a week or two that a lifetime with them wouldn't work.

Jeff and I have lived together for 3 years+ now and I have learned that I can tolerate Jeff in a way that I can't tolerate others. We just exist together, pretty much happy all the time. We have arguments but have never "gone to bed" mad b/c we communicate well and at least attempt to talk through things that really matter to us.

We are getting married after so long because we want a family and feel that a marriage is the next legitimate step to take. I can promise myself to him today and know that the committment will be honored and cherished from now on. We have no reason NOT to get married.

11/28/2005 10:16:51 PM

I have no other answer to this than it just made sense.

11/28/2005 10:20:16 PM

^I agree.

I also agree with Queti:

Quote :

"but our relationship is built on similarities, common goals, common beliefs, strong respect for one another, and a firm friendship. that is foreign to a lot of people as it isn't your typical swept off your feet romantic."

11/28/2005 10:23:04 PM

^ yeah that certainly is a perfect description of my relationship as well, i just couldn't verbalize it.

11/28/2005 10:29:48 PM

A lot of our relationship is like what absolutapril said - he's my best friend as well as lover. I love being with him, doing stuff with him. What clinched that I could never be with anyone else was when we had a rough patch of arguments, and when breaking up actually came up, albeit very briefly. It held no appeal to me to be with someone else, and to be without him in the first place.

We got married because it's logical. We want to have a family and we wanted to make our union official in God's and the government's eyes.

11/28/2005 11:08:43 PM

i wasnt about to read this entire thread but i think it depends on if you beleive this "one person" shit. im a bit hesitant to beleive out of the billions of people in the world that you can only be with or have the capacity to love one person enough to be with them for ur life.

that said, i love my gf very much and woulnd trade her for anyone. you just have to pick someone that you really love and, even moreso, enjoy being around and can compromise with.

while this soulmate crap is nice and sappy i think there are lots of great people out there. you just gotta find one of the great ones that compliments you well and you can see yourself with for a long time. they are still special, but not in some mumbo jumbo magicall 1 for 1 way.

11/28/2005 11:18:34 PM

Quote :

"our relationship is built on similarities, common goals, common beliefs, strong respect for one another, and a firm friendship. that is foreign to a lot of people as it isn't your typical swept off your feet romantic."

i also agree

the thing i'm dealing with now - is that i always was one of those "love at first sight sweep you off your feet omg you're the one head in the clouds" kind of people

and now i'm realizing that its not who i really am - or what i really want - at all. kinda difficult making the transition - i guess i'm lucky i have a patient understanding caring boyfriend to liste... and who knows when to tell me when to stfu and just be happy for what i have

11/28/2005 11:29:45 PM

just to clarify b/c a few people have mentioned it, I definitely mean "the one you want to spend the rest of your life with" not "The One"/ soulmate idea.

This is not to say "The One" doesn't exist. I've met people who have told me that they were soulmates and who definitely seemed to be to me.

I think that the notion of "The One" is a bit elusive and tends to gets peoples hopes and expectations too high.

So while I think that "The One" does exist and the relationships do work out amazingly for many people, I also believe that there are many "ones" that would also work out to be a completely happy and fulfilling relationship.

11/28/2005 11:31:17 PM

Quote :

"If you're married, how did you know that your husband or wife is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

For me, I realized that anyone after my husband would never be anything better than second best. We broke up because we were stationed apart and weren't sure if our jobs would let us be stationed together again. I never stopped missing him, and realized that I never would. We didn't talk about it while we were apart, but he felt the exact same way.
Then there were the things like sharing the same opinions and beliefs, being able to have conversation without boring each other (that's been one of the most difficult things to find for me). He wants to be there when I'm sick, rather than telling me he wants to leave so he doesn't get sick, too. He learned how to knit when I started knitting. He stayed up all night trying to fix my computer's keyboard, and then just went ahead and bought the computer I wanted for Xmas. blah blah blah, etc.

11/29/2005 3:11:36 AM

To answer the original question of how did I know it was him.... you just know. And yes, I know that right now that's probably not making sense to a lot of people who haven't found that person yet. Believe me, before I met Bri, I was totally convinced that the whole true love thing was a misconception, that love was just something that songwriters and hallmark greeting card writers used as a ploy to make money and sell candy on Valentines Day.

Being married is very cool though. It's like hanging out with your best friend all the time. It's like going on the most awesome date ever that never ends. The truth is that yes, after you meet "the one", you stop noticing other attractive members of the opposite sex in the room. It's actually very cool....

11/29/2005 6:11:33 AM

I agree with Queti ...

Quote :

"our relationship is built on similarities, common goals, common beliefs, strong respect for one another, and a firm friendship. that is foreign to a lot of people as it isn't your typical swept off your feet romantic"

and I can vouch that this:

Quote :

"they actually get more of a tax break by not being married...his "wife" gets a lot since she is legally considered a single mother of 1, soon to be 2"

is true. When I got pregnant with our first, we had a combined income under $1500/month and I didn't qualify for WIC or anything, but if I was single with the same income I would have.


The marriage benefit only really applies to middle class I think - there are penalties if your income is too high together, and there are unintended penalties if you're low-income and married like what SweetTreats said. I think the biggest things about why people get married vs. cohabitating are:
1. Family/Religious reasons
2. Insurance - discounts on car/home, access to health/dental/vision, etc.
3. easier to get loans
4. Security - it's harder to walk away from a legal obligation than a casual one
5. Common goals - specifically here I'm thinking of investing - if you share finances and are married, you both have a say in how it's done, and if you split the court splits it. if you share finances and are not married then you split, if your name isn't on it the court looks at you like you're stupid.

I don't think marriage necessarily has anything to do with the madly in love thing ... and if it does, the couple needs to realize that doesn't last forever. It's just lust, and after a few years it dies. That said, I don't think either of us has stopped noticing attractive members of the opposite sex, we've just stopped actively looking for and flirting with them.

11/29/2005 6:44:40 AM

I ditched my current fiance back in college for an ex... the ex. I still talked to her though and my ex tried the whole "You can't keep talking to her if we are going to be together" but I countered, "I'd rather take a chance at her being my friend again than be in a relationship with you." It wasn't easy walking away from the biggest relationship you had ever had for the chance that someone you screwed over might still be a friend.

Also, I hate people, pretty much everyone. I always prefer being by myself to being with people, but my fiance is the only person I whose company I enjoy more than my own.

We also went through some bad times together and saw the worst in each other but got help rather than turning backs on one another. No matter how bad things caught never once did the idea that we might not be meant for each other cross our minds.

We've been together over 5 years and get married this Spring.

11/30/2005 2:26:30 AM

I'm surprised no divorcees have answered yet... Last I checked, most first marriages in the US still end in divorce. I would not be surprised if half of the married/to-be married people in this thread considered divorce in the next 10 years.

11/30/2005 2:47:36 AM

As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent.

11/30/2005 3:43:10 AM

Actually Moron the divorce rate is now declining. I think its only like 40%. Sure thats not a lot of change statistically, but it does show that peoples perception of marriage are changing. Either they are not getting married as often because they know the high divorce rate, or they are just sticking it out more than before.

And another part of that statistic you mentioned is wrong. That is for ALL marriages, not just the first marriage. So that is somewhat skewed by these people who are married three and four times or more.

11/30/2005 7:21:37 AM

divorce = bad fuck

11/30/2005 7:27:10 AM

I completely agree with bottombaby. I do not think there is just one person out there you. I think it is about finding someone you love and having a solid intimate friendship with them.

11/30/2005 12:22:10 PM

if you have any doubts about the person

Quote :

"The boy and I are rather pragmatic about it. We both agree that there is no such thing as "the one" and that there is no one person out there meant for you"

patently false

[Edited on November 30, 2005 at 12:25 PM. Reason : .]

11/30/2005 12:24:32 PM