I have to say that I'm honestly sick to my stomach...I finally got to the point where I accepted reality and the fact that he and I aren't good for each other. I tried...but everything I did wasn't good enough for him. He wanted things on his terms, and he didn't seem to understand my side of things. Its like he was hearing but not listening, or, listening but not hearing...I don't know. He had so many qualities that I loved...but when things were bad, they were really bad. I'm so beaten down and dead to everything, but yet when I find that people are trying to hook him up with a girl and that he even wants to move b/c he's sick of this place...I get woozy and depressed just thinking about it. But then in a drunken stupor he tells me he is still in love with me. I don't care if this is a case of wanting to have my cake and eat it too...I just don't get it. If it were someone else, the issues could be approached in a mature fashion, problems could have possibly been worked out, and this relationship might have been saved...he has it in him, he just doesn't believe it. I deserve so much better, but at the same time I can't let go, even if I convince myself that I should.

I don't really know anyone out here to confide in...I really need some uplifting words or something. /sad rant

ps...this is based off of http://brentroad.com/message_topic.aspx?topic=355360&page=1

[Edited on December 4, 2005 at 2:12 PM. Reason : ]

12/4/2005 2:07:18 PM

fuhgeddaboudit


ditch him, end all contact, cut all ties, and reinvent yourself


sometimes thats all you can do.

[Edited on December 4, 2005 at 2:11 PM. Reason : by reinvent yourself, i mean "improve" yourself. dont hit the downward spiral.]

12/4/2005 2:11:04 PM

this too shall pass


no one on here can say anything to help, it'll take time, and you'll find someone else

sorry it hurts, wish you the best

12/4/2005 2:13:14 PM

^^I'm always trying to improve...I strive to excel in all aspects of my life, I'm humble and open to constructive criticism...I try to change if its for the better

but, its still hard b/c you can't just flip a switch and expect to be "all better" just like that

^I know...its just hard b/c I don't really have anyone to confide in out here. I know going to T-Dub isn't necessarily the best option, but, I guess its more for instant gratification and a way for me to vent

[Edited on December 4, 2005 at 2:15 PM. Reason : ]

12/4/2005 2:14:09 PM

I'm not going to sugar-coat things because I don't think that would be honest. Breaking up with someone is awful...especially when you thought that he was the person that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with at some point. It's hard to proceed in life as a single person when there are so many things that remind you of that person.

The bright side (no, I'm not going throw cliches at you): You are a very attractive girl, and you have a job and a home that you love. It sounds like you need to devote time and energy into those two things because then you can get back to loving yourself for who you are as a person. There are going to be tough moments...sometimes moments that are long and drawn out over several days. It's important to remember that you are happy with yourself and that the time will come (even though it may take a while) when you'll meet the person that is right for you.

This sounded better before I started writing it, but I hope that is some help for you.

[Edited on December 4, 2005 at 2:16 PM. Reason : left out a word]

12/4/2005 2:16:03 PM

thank you...and it sounded wonderful

sometimes it takes getting an uninvolved party's opinion before you can take a look or accept something about yourself...you're right, I love my job, frankly, I love my life...but I can't see how I can live out here without thinking of him, hell, I work with the people he works with...Dare county is a unique community in that everyone knows everything about you. Most rural areas are like that...so its hard to ignore it

12/4/2005 2:18:51 PM

of course its not gonna be easy

peoples lives get ruined over breakups.

it hurts.. but you should let it hurt. let it hurt you like nothing else ever has, wallow in the pain and misery. don't be self-destructive, but come to the realization that this heartache is what makes us human. you felt something so strongly about someone else that it hurts you like that to lose him. that in and of itself is amazing.

deal with the issue at hand, don't duck it. figure out what it is that's truly bothering you about this. not a superficial answer of "i just wish things were better" or "i feel bad," but get to the real reason behind it. confront that, and learn from it.

also, the switch will never be flipped. you'll never be "all better," because that implies a return to a previous state of being. your life has changed, don't make it all better, make it better than ever.

thats my word.

12/4/2005 2:19:03 PM

I guess you mean to accept the down and dirty of it all, to be realistic and humble, to not ignore the problems but instead to attempt understanding "why"? I'm trying...its just hard b/c I honestly have trouble accepting fault...which isn't like me. I know I'm not perfect and I know that I could have dealt with some things better, but at the same time, a lot of the issues stemmed from his behavior...he was too insensitive, too pushy, too rude, too immature...

my fault, among others, was getting caught up in his smooth-talking and the idea that things could be "what they were"...

I guess I can't live in the past, huh

12/4/2005 2:24:45 PM

you're not alone though. i'd say most people would choose to live in the past, myself included. but honestly, the future IS a whole lot more exciting, and when you meet that guy, y'know, "the one" this whole thing will seem like it was just a speed bump.

and you will meet your husband one day. dont get all "i'll be alone forever" on me, i hate when chicks do that.

it'll get better though. chin up. time heals and all that. eat some chicken soup and watch cider house rules or somethin.

12/4/2005 2:28:49 PM

hah I think I'm more into, I don't know, boondock saints or something like that...lol

but yeah, its easy to live in the past, but what sucks is that this was the first time I had the "he's the one" thoughts running through my mind...and not even that, we TALKED about it (which is a huge step for me). I know the future is bright...I just need to blow these storm clouds out of the way

12/4/2005 2:32:06 PM

dance your cares away

*clap clap*

worries for another day

let the music play

*clap clap*

DOWN AT FRAGGLE ROCK.

12/4/2005 2:33:15 PM

Cider House Rules...great movie.

And AxlBonBach speaks some wonderful truths. At this point, consider that you've been given a second chance to create a better life for yourself. It WILL take time, and that's very hard for some of us (myself included; I'm not only a member here, I'm the president!) who are not good at being patient.

I hate when others give anecdotes, so I'll keep mine brief: I've been separated from my wife now for three months, and my perspective gets clearer and clearer. Sure, I backslide some every now and then, but the steps forward have far outweighed the steps back.

This too shall pass. All conditions in life are temporary!

12/4/2005 2:35:23 PM

Quote :

"end all contact, cut all ties"

stick to this an you'll be fine

includes AIM, emails, facebook, other electronic communications

also, while it may seem like a burden to you, stay away from places you know him to frequent

everything will be alright in the long run

here, a just for you

12/4/2005 2:39:52 PM

^^^heh, that was a great show

^^thanks for sharing your situation...I try to be patient, but at times like this, omg its SO hard!

^thanks for the smiley and you're right too...I don't see him that much, but EVERYONE here knows about us, I'm constantly being asked about him, and you know, I'm a little worried about what HE is telling people...b/c when he talks to me, the story he gives is SO WRONG!

12/4/2005 2:43:05 PM

let him talk, not much can be done about that.....you are just going to drive yourself crazy trying to stick up for yourself everytime something is mentioned

just realize that at the end of the day, it is just talk, nothing more and nothing that was said really changed anyone that matters opinion

12/4/2005 4:07:44 PM

do any of you live out here that might be around for the holidays?

12/4/2005 4:17:01 PM

I roadtrip out there periodically. But don't live there.

Depends on what happens workwise. We actually had a possible project out offa Alligator River.

12/4/2005 4:27:02 PM

You want a better life for yourself, yet you still hang around this scum. And, you ponder the question "what would life be like if we were still a pair of mockingbirds", really you're doing this damage to yourself. No amounts of pisswarm cheer or backrubs is going to make it any better, and you should never change other people to suite your "humble self" and thinking so is a bit maniacal on your part.

Wow, so when the original thread got trashed, you reposed the question, looking for love and care.

12/4/2005 4:49:55 PM

feel better, k.

i wish you all the best. i'm going through the depression and shock of a break up to. 3 years invested. i know the pain and the crazy thoughts . . . . be strong. love sucks .. . . . i just wish time could speed up so this pain could be over. or she would magically come back to me (it'll never happen), but ................ anyway, be strong.

12/4/2005 5:10:37 PM

^^I'm not changing anyone else to suit my humble self...I have had many discussions with him about things that he has repeatedly done that have hurt me. These aren't "he wouldn't take out the trash issues"...they stem more along the lines of verbal abuse, impatience resulting in illogical expectations, and aggressive, hateful attacks to who I am whenever he can't get his way. I have offered suggestions that we can work on together, but I have made it clear to him that the issues won't be solved unless he wants to make an effort to change himself. You see, when someone behaves the same way and the result of that behavior is pain, frustration, suffering experienced by someone else, there is a slight problem, don't you think? Now my problem is the fact that I had the false impression that he would make that effort in hopes of repairing and rebuilding relationship...and why shouldn't I believe that when he tells me so? Our relationship was built on trust and communication and I never had any reason to believe that he wouldn't make an effort when he said he would. Its easy to look back and say 'gee, I had this coming' but if you have ever been in love, in true love, then you would know how hard it is to just walk away...NO matter the situation.

Also, I did not repose the question...what I wanted here was something that I felt I needed...a sense of compassion and sympathy (or empathy, if applicable)...something that you get from friends. Since I don't have any friends out here, and as I stated earlier, I was looking for instant gratification while also giving me the opportunity to vent. I'm not asking for empty words or a miracle, and I'm certainly not asking for thoughts from an asshole like you. I can say that everyone that has posted a reply has helped, whether they sugarcoated their answer or were blunt, except you.

^thanks...I wish you the best of luck too


[Edited on December 4, 2005 at 5:14 PM. Reason : ]

12/4/2005 5:13:11 PM

12/4/2005 5:17:26 PM

12/4/2005 5:45:20 PM

omg my fav stargazer lilies...you rock

12/4/2005 5:47:20 PM

12/4/2005 5:48:10 PM

Quote :

"Our relationship was built on trust and communication"

I get it

12/4/2005 5:49:12 PM

Quote :

" These aren't "he wouldn't take out the trash issues"...they stem more along the lines of verbal abuse, impatience resulting in illogical expectations, and aggressive, hateful attacks to who I am whenever he can't get his way."

to hell with all that, Jen. if that's really the problem and not just a warped perspective from your being emotional (and knowing you, I don't think it is...you're pretty levelheaded. just saying that because the last girl I broke up has all kinds of crazy ideas about how much of an asshole I am, and she really has no reason whatsoever to think that way...but knowing both of us, I'm pretty sure that we're not the crazy ones), then count this one as a blessing.

12/4/2005 5:52:21 PM

theduke and h8r are right on top of the having their shit together chart

12/4/2005 5:53:49 PM

yeah...though I have become a little more emotional over the past couple years, I certainly don't think I blow things out of proportion...

12/4/2005 5:55:07 PM

no, i really can't see that coming from you.

i mean, you're a girl...you're not gonna be natured like I am exactly, but you're one of the most "normal thinking" girls I know. You're at like 85% guy logic and stability level, which is astounding considering that estrogen handicap you're up against.


^^haha, dude, H8R and I are pretty damned alike.

[Edited on December 4, 2005 at 5:58 PM. Reason : ^^and thanks]

12/4/2005 5:58:14 PM

Damn, Josh...that's rather blunt...

12/4/2005 6:04:17 PM

haha, well, it's true.

and that's a compliment...she's about 3 times more clear thinking and stable than your average girl.

[Edited on December 4, 2005 at 6:06 PM. Reason : by clear thinking, i mean logical and rational]

12/4/2005 6:05:38 PM

Why can't there be more of them, dammit?

And why couldn't I have married one?

Live and learn, ey?

12/4/2005 6:07:05 PM

heh thanks man that is a compliment...although I'm sure everyone I've dated would say I'm "just like the rest of them"...ugh...whatever

[Edited on December 4, 2005 at 6:09 PM. Reason : ]

12/4/2005 6:07:26 PM

i'd be more than happy to help you get over him

nahmean

12/4/2005 6:12:17 PM

Your love is not his fault; thus, you shouldn't blame your supposed other, for what you have created. You're trying to tear down, a relationship thats been built up over time. You've been through the rigmarole with him, and you still have those painfull attachments. He's probably hurting from it, too.
He shouldn't blame himself, and have you do it as well.

Are you going to find a new guy from this, or act like a sympathy dumpster upto you get your fill? Because I know some other folks, who like useless empathy, too

12/4/2005 6:12:20 PM

i never said he wasn't hurting and I can assure you he isn't blaming himself...I'm also not blaming him for my feelings for him...what I'm angry at is the situation.

12/4/2005 6:19:30 PM

uplifting words needed? You don't need uplifting words, you need personal strength.

12/4/2005 6:19:44 PM

working on that, too

12/4/2005 6:20:29 PM

drunknloaded's uplifting words would be to not get over 15k posts on tww

anyways go hit some golf balls or shot a gun or something

12/4/2005 6:23:09 PM

Quote :

"He wanted things on his terms, and he didn't seem to understand my side of things."

He probably thought the same about you.

I'm not saying it to bring you down, but consider his side of things. If he wanted you to move there (and he was unable to move), he probably wanted to marry you (and wanted to see if you would move to be with him, which would prove you're in love, ect.).

12/4/2005 6:28:41 PM

well, I don't like being tested to prove my love...nobody should have to "prove" anything...love and relationships are NOT a game and testing someone is manipulative and childish

yes, he wanted to marry me...and I understand his "side of things" as best as I could, the problem was that he always felt he was right and that I was wrong. I'm not saying he wasn't ever right, but he sure had a skewed sense of how a relationship is supposed to work.

12/4/2005 6:31:52 PM

^ thats because hes male, most of us always think we're right

12/4/2005 6:36:14 PM

lol...but I swear it isn't that difficult to admit you're wrong! I have no problem apologizing or admitting I'm wrong...but I guess that's cause I'm not a guy?

12/4/2005 6:37:21 PM

sounds like you're better off without him. Sometimes ppl get so used to something that its hard to even think about life without the comfort factor. But really, wouldnt you rather not know what each day will bring...then know that your routine of him making you feel like crap half the time is what you consider "comfort"? It's hard to look at it like that because feelings are involved, yours, and anything involving feelings is bound to be a headache. But you have to ask yourself if he was fulfilling YOUR needs. Who cares if he didnt feel you fulfilled his. This isnt about him, its about you and what is best for you is someone who has the capacity to think of someone other than himself.

12/4/2005 6:39:20 PM

we have pride issues i suppose

12/4/2005 6:40:52 PM

No, I used to apologize a lot. I can't seem to remember my wife apologizing or backing down much.

But then, there were times I didn't back down either. I still apologized.

12/4/2005 6:41:14 PM

aagoddess is kinda telling you to do the same thing youre mad at him for doing .. thinking of yourself first (i think)

as i see it, the way things work, is that when you care about someone as much as your care about yourself, then you should marry them, because thats what its all about. you just didnt train him correctly or something.

12/4/2005 6:44:35 PM

Quote :

" testing someone is manipulative and childish"

yeah, that's gay.



and i absolutely will not back down or apologize for being right, and I'm not really all that good at biting my tongue if I think you're wrong. my ex HATED that about me.

I will usually meet you in the middle (or sometimes concede completely to what you want) if it's just a difference in opinion or wants.

12/4/2005 6:48:06 PM

^^^^^wow...you know I honestly never thought about that. I mean he could practically read my mind he knew me so well, treated me like an angel, and professed his love for me in thoughts and actions without thinking twice...he made my life so worth living...but, that was only when HE was getting his way. The rest of the time, it seemed like he was another person...the issues we fought about were ones that were very important to me...you know, I know that you're supposed to "do anything for the one you love", and I would have for him! But to an extent! Why should I jeopardize my happiness just for him, especially if he can't even attempt to understand my reasons for doing or wanting things? I don't like the fact that I put my job before him, but I guess if I felt like he actually cared that I was involved and motived with my work, maybe I would have been more open to moving for him...I don't know. SOrry about that rambling...I guess I'm just trying to agree with you...I won't be happy if my needs aren't met, and there's no way I could make him happy if I'm not.

[Edited on December 4, 2005 at 6:48 PM. Reason : ]

eh...train him? I'm more mad at him for being illogical and irrational...like I said, it wasn't like we were arguing about taking out the trash. I'd get upset when he'd pull out the ultimatum..."if you really loved me, you'd move in" or "if you move in, it'll solve all our problems"...nevermind the fact that the move would impact my job and relationship with those I work with...and being close to my job is important b/c I'm still new and learning and I need the support from and contact with my superiors...AND, our problems would still exist...you can't just close your eyes and hope they go away...

[Edited on December 4, 2005 at 6:52 PM. Reason : ]

12/4/2005 6:48:12 PM

yeah you just didnt train him enough... if you let him do it for so long then it becomes the way things are

[Edited on December 4, 2005 at 6:49 PM. Reason : .]

12/4/2005 6:49:15 PM