Okay, so there may be another thread on this somewhere but I didn't see one...

Here's the deal- I'm almost finished with my master's degree.
I'm applying to Ph.D. programs & jobs, currently living in Philly, planning to make one more big move. The next place I land I'm buying- tired of throwing away money on rent.

Regardless of what it is I'm doing a year or two from now, after buying a place, I want to adopt a child. My plan is to adopt within the next 5-10 years. I'm 25, financially secure, etc.
Only problem is that I'm single, but I plan to make enough money to hire some help with basic stuff in the beginning.

What are your experiences with adoption?? Domestic versus international? Boys or girls? Is it a good idea to adopt them as an infant or older?

Are there any single people out there who have been through the adoption process???

Thank you so much for your feedback and advice on this!!

1/7/2009 2:03:28 PM

Unless you don't sleep or you're expecting your PhD to take 10 years, it's best to consider raising a child and getting a PhD as mutually exclusive tasks.

1/7/2009 2:06:41 PM

no offense but adopting a child is not the same as adopting a pet at the local SPCA. This has bad idea written all over it especially if you're still single. and if your plan is 5-10 years from now what are the chances you will meet someone and settle down with and have your own kids? (unless i missed some where that you're a lesbian then my mistake)

and you're only 25. You still have at least 5 good years left in you for child baring.

1/7/2009 2:09:53 PM

Yeah, I agree with you but I know the adoption process takes a long time, so that's why I want to start looking now. I want to sort of time it so the baby or child would be "ready" or "mine" just as I am finishing up my phd. I'm starting in the fall (this fall, of 09).

Still might take a job instead though.

1/7/2009 2:09:59 PM

Are you planning on ever having a relationship or are you going to be single for the rest of your life?

1/7/2009 2:11:56 PM

I know it's not the same as adopting a pet.

I'm more responsible than the average 25 yr old.

Basically, I've been on my own since age 17. Put myself through school, working constantly, paying bills on time. etc. Have my own car, two cats, emotionally and mentally I'm really 35.

If all of those retards walking around at wal-mart can have 5-6 kids I don't see why I can't have one. I'm constantly reading and learning and I am a very loving person, I'm almost confident that my kid will be the next Obama.

1/7/2009 2:13:21 PM

i don't mind being single forever. that's not a concern of mine.

if i meet someone then fine, but if i don't then that's fine too.

1/7/2009 2:15:00 PM

I sure as hell wouldn't let a single 25 year old adopt my kid.

especially one that isn't done with school.

[Edited on January 7, 2009 at 2:19 PM. Reason : ]

1/7/2009 2:17:59 PM

Quote :

"If all of those retards walking around at wal-mart can have 5-6 kids"

you kind of answered your own question...

not trying to troll but this is a HUGE step for someone at 25 to be thinking about especially if they're in school and single.

1/7/2009 2:18:16 PM

yeah, no offense intended, but

Quote :

"This has bad idea written all over it"

something about the way you're viewing this is bothering me to the point that this seems like asking for trouble...maybe it's the fact that one of your reasons is

Quote :

"If all of those retards walking around at wal-mart can have 5-6 kids I don't see why I can't have one."

get a puppy, instead

1/7/2009 2:21:30 PM

I don't think she asked any of you for your opinion on whether she is fit/ready/prepared to be a parent or not... she asked if you had any personal experience or knew anything about the subject.

Quote :

"What are your experiences with adoption?? Domestic versus international? Boys or girls? Is it a good idea to adopt them as an infant or older? Are there any single people out there who have been through the adoption process???"

Save the trolling for Chit Chat.

1/7/2009 2:22:23 PM

well chit chat would just fill this thread up with offers of impregnation

1/7/2009 2:24:11 PM

thank you, Tena.

1/7/2009 2:24:42 PM

Quote :

"not trying to troll but this is a HUGE step for someone at 25 to be thinking about especially if they're in school and single."

Yes, and this is something the adoption agencies/state will look at when this girl tries to adopt. They will be able to determine if she is ready or not. Adoption requires home studies, parenting classes, etc. It's impossible to just go down to the adoption agency and pick up a kid.

Are you guys seriously suggesting that orphanages/foster care is a better situation for those kids than a presumably stable and loving home that this girl could provide? I'm amazed that someone could get so much shit for considering adoption. Wait, no I'm not, this is TWW.

1/7/2009 2:24:44 PM

haha yes, i thought about that too. as soon as i hit "post new topic" i was waiting for someone to say "i'll make a baby with you!"

1/7/2009 2:26:33 PM

thanks, jocristian.

i'm glad someone is being reasonable here.

1/7/2009 2:28:27 PM

have you considered big brothers/sisters as kinda a trial run?

1/7/2009 2:28:41 PM

yes, i've done lots of volunteer work interacting with kids. (esp "at risk" teens, etc.)

1/7/2009 2:31:00 PM

that's awesome

1/7/2009 2:31:22 PM

OP- you can edit your posts up to 30 minutes afterward.

1/7/2009 2:34:33 PM

I would highly encourage adopting an infant for two reasons: 1 - It's easier to form a close parent-child bond if you adopt right after the child is born, and 2 - It may or may not be relevant in your case, but some people look to adopt older children as a way to "skip the diaper part" and if you're trying to do that, you shouldn't be a parent.

I don't know how young kids are usually adopted, but I was only four days old. I just have to wonder if it would feel different if I'd been substantially older.

[Edited on January 7, 2009 at 2:40 PM. Reason : For the record I do not support your plan, but you didn't ask if we did. ]

1/7/2009 2:35:34 PM

some of the comments in this thread might be borderline chit chat responses (mine included), but the things the OP keeps saying smack of an option poorly considered

she's been on her own since 17, and put herself through school...she's 25 and just finished her master's degree, so i assume (a mistake, perhaps) that she's been in school the vast majority of the time she's been on her own

how much money do you have saved up? you're going to BUY a home AND adopt a child? you're going to try to raise a child and pay for/maintain a house with a PhD stipend? you think you'll have time for a child while working on a PhD? all this while single? i'm not suggesting that a single woman can't successfully raise a well-balanced child on her own...i am, however, suggesting that a single woman who is planning on purchasing her first home and doing her PhD, all on a graduate stipend, might not be the best choice for a mother at this point in her life...her comments about how she feels entitled to a kid because of the women at walmart with 5 or 6 does nothing to help, either

Quote :

"Are you guys seriously suggesting that orphanages/foster care is a better situation for those kids than a presumably stable and loving home that this girl could provide?"

the clincher is the "presumably"...based on the information at hand, i am presuming that she is ill-prepared for and has not fully considered the consequences of raising a child in addition to the other big events she has planned...you are presuming she is one of those one-in-a-million people who can work a 20-hour day 7 days a week and not break down before her kid turns 18

1/7/2009 2:35:45 PM

Quote :

"This has bad idea written all over it "

1/7/2009 2:36:51 PM

in my experience, female professionals in their mid 20s are more than qualified to ralse children. single or not. having a partner would help you achieve your academic goals quicker... and im sure most kids would prefer a mommy and a daddy. but a good mom has got to be better than foster homes and all that stuff. and every parent i know was worried at first about not having enough money or room or etc etc etc. that stuff seems to work itself out just fine, unless you're poor and on crack. in that case, don't do it!!1

i say dont listen to the haters here, and keep looking into it.

only question i have... might be too personal... but is the adoption thing just 'cause, or because of an issue with your biology? thats the only reason i could see that would lead me to think you should give it more thought.

1/7/2009 2:39:47 PM

Quote :

"in my experience, female professionals in their mid 20s are more than qualified to ralse children. single or not."

again...she's not a professional...she's talking about working on her doctorate...i can understand how someone who's never done graduate work (or do you have an advanced degree i'm not aware of?) might suffer from the misconception that it's just like undergrad...it's not

also, master's != doctorate, so even that's a bad comparison (though the field matters, i would think)

Quote :

"but a good mom has got to be better than foster homes and all that stuff."

i agree with this 100%...the point that several people are raising is that she might not qualify as a "good" mom because of the load she's suggesting taking on

Quote :

"and every parent i know was worried at first about not having enough money or room or etc etc etc. that stuff seems to work itself out just fine, unless you're poor and on crack."

yeah...i'm gonna go ahead say that purchasing a house and living on phd stipend qualifies as a valid "worry" about money when a child is concerned...kids are expensive

Quote :

"i say dont listen to the haters here, and keep looking into it. "

that's EXACTLY what she should do...i don't think anyone is a "hater" in here...but we're a heck of a lot more objective than she is...she definitely needs to look into it, but she should start talking to agencies about her situation so they can give her valid advice

[Edited on January 7, 2009 at 2:49 PM. Reason : grammar]

1/7/2009 2:48:48 PM

My point was that none of us actually know the motivations, financial situation, or anything else about her situation. So rather than giving her shit about it and judging her overall fitness as a parent from a two paragraph post, most of you guys should either share your experiences with adoption or stop posting in the thread.


The truth is, if she isn't financially or emotionally ready, or if she has the wrong motivations, then it will all come out in the application process. They are very thorough and if you don't have your shit at least mostly together, then you won't get to adopt--simple as that.

I would also contend that even if your worst fears are realized, that she is ill prepared and doesn't realize what she is getting into and can't afford a kid and somehow she is still able to make it through the application process, it would still be a better situation than group homes, orphanages, or foster care.

[Edited on January 7, 2009 at 2:56 PM. Reason : d]

1/7/2009 2:55:54 PM

the fact that you're thinking about this 5-10 years in advance suggests you're probably a good candidate as an adopting parent. by then you should be done with your PhD, postdoc, etc, and odds are you'll probably meet a nice enough guy to be a good father figure for the child.

i've no experience on this, but good luck with it.

1/7/2009 2:58:19 PM

Quote :

"Are there any single people out there who have been through the adoption process???"

Me and Dot went in to adopt on account of something went wrong with my semen and they said we had to wait five years for a healthy white baby. I said, "Healthy white baby? Five years? What else you got?" Said they got two Koreans and a negra born with his heart on the outside. It's a crazy world.

1/7/2009 3:09:22 PM

Quote :

"again...she's not a professional...she's talking about working on her doctorate"

by professional, i simply meant mature, self-sufficient, and knows what she wants from life. doesnt have to be a CEO or anything. as for education, i havent even finished all my undergrad, and im gonna be finishing that single with no kids. and im looking at about 5 semesters on that... and a lot of time simply because of having to take only night classes due to career.

thats why i said having a partner might be good if she wants more time to advance her own education. but she may decide that starting a family is more important to her than educational goals

as for the rest of that stuff, i dont have time now. maybe in a couple hours i'll come back and respond

1/7/2009 3:09:55 PM

first of all... wolfchica.. you need to learn to edit posts instead of double posting.

second, you're asking the wolf web for advice on such a personal, life changing event... don't get upset when you don't get the answers you want.

that being said you sound like you like to plan things a lot

you plan on getting your phd

you plan on buying the next place you live

you plan to make a shit-ton of money.. enough to hire a nanny or whatever.

i think you need to wait until your in a position where you're actually finished with school, where you actually own the home you live in, and you're actually making a shit-ton of money.

then you should probably talk to a professional about the adoption process. find a group or board where you can talk to people that have been through it and ask the questions you have.

i know it's fun to think about the future and what you're going to do and how bad you want to have kids, but right now it just sounds like you have so much going on in your own life that you need to get figured out before you start worrying about someone else.

1/7/2009 3:12:19 PM

^^ but that's not even the definition of the word you used...the word you were looking for was "student"

maybe you meant professional student?

look, i realize people are getting their panties in a wad, and i don't wholly disagree with their reasons...as mentioned, she says she's looking to adopt within the next 5-10 years and that definitely shows a level of foresight

but to assume she'll be in the same situation 5-10 years from now is silly...i would think that someone who has researched this, even a little, would realize that since what's the case now won't be the case in 5 years, let alone 10, an adoption agency will just tell her to come back then, when she's in a place where they can reasonably assess her life, rather than now, where her life is in a state of transition

is this really not obvious?

[Edited on January 7, 2009 at 3:17 PM. Reason : ^ yeah, pretty much]

1/7/2009 3:14:28 PM

Why not just fuck a dude?

it's only a 9 month waiting period and you don't have to go through the whole application/approval process.

[Edited on January 7, 2009 at 3:17 PM. Reason : a]

1/7/2009 3:15:15 PM

blah, semantics

im just talking about a the kind of lady i think of when i think professional female

and for me, that really just boils down to "mature and independent"

really has nothing to do with career or education. more about ambition, goals, drive, etc.

call it what you want, i dont mind if you find a better word. i still meant what i meant

1/7/2009 3:17:18 PM

yeah, i don't get the problem

1/7/2009 3:17:39 PM

One of my former bosses bought adopted a kid from China because his wife was infertile or something. It was a long process, and took a couple of trips to China for some reason, but they got a kid without too much issue from what I heard of it.

A month or two later, he got her pregnant. HUGE :carlface:

Now that I think of it, I had a high school teacher who was adopting a kid from Russia. I can't remember how that went. Anyway, I think a lot of people look for foreign kids because there are several bad reasons why kids in America get dropped off at adoption centers (no offense to Swinkle, apparently). Obviously, this ranges from crack babies to kids that come from horrible families period, and these problems arise later in life.

Foreign kids have other reasons for being dropped off. I don't know about Russia, but with the Chinese child restrictions, I believe some mothers will have their illegal kid and drop them off at a center. My boss's kid was one of these, she was in a card board box and left on a random street corner.

I'm not trying to say that's the only differences, but something that has come up before with some people.

Quote :

"Only problem is that I'm single, but I plan to make enough money to hire some help with basic stuff in the beginning. "

Yeah, I'm sure its going to be GREAT for the kid's psyche to be primarily raised by some nanny. [/speculation]

[Edited on January 7, 2009 at 3:20 PM. Reason : didn't see that gem]

1/7/2009 3:18:24 PM

A friend of my mom's is a lesbian, and she and her "lover" just adopted a kid from Guatamala

1/7/2009 3:20:20 PM

Quote :

"and for me, that really just boils down to "mature and independent" really has nothing to do with career or education. more about ambition, goals, drive, etc. call it what you want, i dont mind if you find a better word. i still meant what i meant"

the problem is that you're equating "mature and independent" with "a perfect example of a single mother" and that's not even remotely true...you can be mature and independent and still not have the financial ability or schedule to make room for a child...it's not semantics, it's common sense...you're making even bigger assumptions than i am, with less information

Quote :

"Only problem is that I'm single, but I plan to make enough money to hire some help with basic stuff in the beginning."

i'm PLANNING on winning the lottery and buying a sports car...if you're not mature enough to understand that your plans for your life are not necessarily a reality, you REALLY shouldn't have a kid

[Edited on January 7, 2009 at 3:23 PM. Reason : lounge]

1/7/2009 3:21:32 PM

Quote :

"Why not just fuck a dude? it's only a 9 month waiting period and you don't have to go through the whole application/approval process."

I didn't read the whole thread because it is far too many words for my liking. Is this broad not able to get pregnant for some reason?

1/7/2009 3:23:00 PM

^ she hasn't said

1/7/2009 3:23:42 PM

Honestly she sounds like the new lewoods (exposed???), except she wants kids.

NEW

CHALLENGER

APPROACHES

1/7/2009 3:25:04 PM

LOLZ

1/7/2009 3:26:02 PM

I'm just saying, if this broad is fertile then it ain't hard to have a kid. why go through the trouble of adoption?

1/7/2009 3:26:36 PM

Quote :

".you can be mature and independent and still not have the financial ability or schedule to make room for a child...it's not semantics, it's common sense...you're making even bigger assumptions than i am, with less information"

coulda sworn i saw her say that money wasnt any sort of big issue or something like that. if she didnt say that, then you're right. if she did say that, then i stand by what i said.

no matter what anyone else says, im siding with as long as she can afford the kid, has a good head on her shoulders, and plans on loving the kid, then there's no reason she should think twice, other than this decision being based on her own infertility

and ask any parent out there, all of them wondered if they'd have the time and/or money to do it right

1/7/2009 3:27:50 PM

Quote :

"I'm just saying, if this girl is fertile then it ain't hard to have a kid. why go through the trouble of adoption?"

this is why i'm confused as to the problem

1/7/2009 3:29:58 PM

some people are "weird" about that

kinda like this whole GO GREEN thing... the eco-footprint... why add another kid to an overpopulated world, etc etc etc

some do it cause they cant stand the thought of kids being lonely and mistreated, etc etc

bunch of reasons, thats why i was asking if it was one of those or a simple fertility issue

1/7/2009 3:32:00 PM

^same thought/same time

one reason for adopting vs. procreating - adoption doesnt make the population rise

[Edited on January 7, 2009 at 3:32 PM. Reason : --]

1/7/2009 3:32:01 PM

yep, as one of the only 2 males left in my family, i feel the pressure/have the desire to continue the bloodline.... but ive also randomly thought about adopting a kid or raising a step-child

1/7/2009 3:33:46 PM

no, my thought is that she wants a kid but doesn't want to actually have to be pregnant to have one.

pregnancy is just too much of an inconvenience to her busy lifestyle, however she doesn't feel that a child would be.

^ and I am the last male in my family, so I too know that pressure.

[Edited on January 7, 2009 at 3:36 PM. Reason : a]

1/7/2009 3:35:58 PM

Quote :

"coulda sworn i saw her say that money wasnt any sort of big issue or something like that. if she didnt say that, then you're right. if she did say that, then i stand by what i said. no matter what anyone else says, im siding with as long as she can afford the kid, has a good head on her shoulders, and plans on loving the kid, then there's no reason she should think twice, other than this decision being based on her own infertility"

i agree with you 100% on the second paragraph...the problem is she did NOT say money was not a problem, she said she PLANS on having money (i mean, who doesn't?)

Quote :

"and ask any parent out there, all of them wondered if they'd have the time and/or money to do it right"

oh, i'm sure this is true...any good parent cares about the welfare of the child before they're even conceived, IMO

[Edited on January 7, 2009 at 3:40 PM. Reason : .]

1/7/2009 3:39:30 PM

set 'em up

1/7/2009 3:41:04 PM