http://www.cracked.com/article_15699_9-most-badass-bible-verses.html

some funny stuff

7/24/2009 1:19:43 AM

Quote :

"If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them."

-Leviticus 20:13

7/24/2009 1:21:41 AM

obligatory "god said it was ok to smoke pot in the bible" hippy shit

7/24/2009 1:23:16 AM

whoa....donkeys? wtf

[Edited on July 24, 2009 at 1:30 AM. Reason : oops]

[Edited on July 24, 2009 at 1:31 AM. Reason : FRICK]

7/24/2009 1:29:53 AM

7/24/2009 1:30:25 AM

Ezekiel 25:17

Quote :

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. "

[Edited on July 24, 2009 at 1:48 AM. Reason : not really a bible verse, but still bad-ass when said with a jheri curl and a suit]

7/24/2009 1:45:01 AM

truly, I LOL'd much at this


10/10, or rather, 9/9

7/24/2009 2:28:35 AM

7/24/2009 3:14:31 AM

i, too, read cracked lists

7/24/2009 4:09:26 AM

I hadn't read this before, and I am dying. This is freaking hilarious.

7/24/2009 7:12:11 AM

They didn't include one of my favorite ones:

Quote :

"1 Samuel 17:34-36 But David said to Saul, “Your servant used to keep his father’s sheep, and when a lion or a bear came and took a lamb out of the flock, I went out after it and struck it, and delivered the lamb from its mouth; and when it arose against me, I caught it by its beard, and struck and killed it. Your servant has killed both lion and bear;"

How the heck do you grab a Lion's beard? You did not want to mess with old testament warriors. Ever. Even if you're a Lion.



[Edited on July 24, 2009 at 7:51 AM. Reason : oh yeah]

7/24/2009 7:49:09 AM

cracked usually brings the funny...

...and it'll keep you clicking all day (cue xkcd strip): http://www.cracked.com/article_17314_5-pieces-junk-that-turned-out-be-invaluable-artifacts.html

[Edited on July 24, 2009 at 8:07 AM. Reason : .]

7/24/2009 7:59:06 AM

They forgot to include that bit in #3 where Elijah mocked the other guys during the entire 'debate'.

Why isn't your god answering? Maybe he's on the phone, out for a burger, or asleep or something.

7/24/2009 8:10:42 AM

http://www.cracked.com/article_16871_6-insane-discoveries-that-science-cant-explain.html

7/24/2009 8:36:16 AM

^

Quote :

"It doesn't help that the batteries are currently located in the Baghdad Museum, which means potential researchers have a sporting chance of being blown to shit on any given day."

haha

cracked brings the lulz

7/24/2009 9:24:50 AM

http://www.cracked.com/article_17314_5-pieces-junk-that-turned-out-be-invaluable-artifacts.html

This one is funny, too

7/24/2009 9:43:29 AM

LOL



[Edited on July 24, 2009 at 9:47 AM. Reason : ]

7/24/2009 9:47:08 AM

haha, this is great.

7/24/2009 10:04:14 AM

Quote :

"They forgot to include that bit in #3 where Elijah mocked the other guys during the entire 'debate'. Why isn't your god answering? Maybe he's on the phone, out for a burger, or asleep or something."

I Kings 18:27
"And it came to pass at noon, that Elijah mocked them, and said, "Cry aloud: for he is a god; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, or peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked."

He tells them maybe their god is "pursuing". This word only appears once here in the entire bible. In the Hebrew text it means "looking for a private place", in other words, going to the toilet. That's just hilarious.

7/24/2009 10:13:40 AM

im gonna have to get my bible out and check these now

hahaha

7/24/2009 10:20:16 AM

you can only use King James

King James spits that fire

those other lame versions dont have the same effect

[Edited on July 24, 2009 at 10:32 AM. Reason : d]

7/24/2009 10:31:17 AM

Quote :

" Then the Babylonians came to her, to the love couch, and defiled her with their intercourse. As soon as she was defiled by them, she became disgusted with them. 18 Her harlotry was discovered and her shame was revealed, and I became disgusted with her as I had become disgusted with her sister. 19 But she played the harlot all the more, recalling the days of her girlhood, when she had been a harlot in the land of Egypt. 20 She lusted for the lechers of Egypt, whose members are like that of an ass, and whose heat is like that of stallions. 21 You yearned for the lewdness of your girlhood, when the Egyptians fondled your breasts, caressing your bosom."

7/24/2009 10:45:23 AM

GAZE UPON OUR DICK TOWER AND DESPAIR

7/24/2009 10:55:19 AM

i never realized this was such a hot read.

7/24/2009 11:03:22 AM

those of crushed nuts were an important voting block

7/24/2009 11:06:33 AM

HOLY FUCK NONE OF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN TO CRACKED DOT COM?

7/24/2009 12:20:43 PM

does it matter?

7/24/2009 12:22:32 PM

Quote :

"you can only use King James King James spits that fire"

haha

7/24/2009 12:24:13 PM

Here's a good one

Genesis
19:4 But before they lay down, the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter:
19:5 And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.
19:6 And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him,
19:7 And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly.
19:8 Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.

7/24/2009 12:44:36 PM

There is nothing badass about this piece of fictional writing son.

7/24/2009 12:45:18 PM

Quote :

"JESUS WEPT"

7/24/2009 12:46:18 PM

oh, look.

now you've gone and made someone sad.

7/24/2009 2:04:08 PM

^4

so let me make sure i have this right.

Lot was chilling at home and two strangers show up. The town people knock on his door and basically say we want to bum rape these two random dudes who showed up at your house. to this Lot replies, no, you can't have them, but you can have my virgin daughters instead.

is that right?

7/24/2009 2:07:14 PM

you are correct, sir.

but what you fail to understand, is that this was considered traditional norms of hospitality in the Ancient Near East.

the men were *guests*, and that demands protocol.

7/24/2009 2:19:54 PM

in that case i would have been first to round up everyone and say... he lets go ask to fuck those guests again so we can have sex with that guys virgin daughters.

i, too, now finally yearn for the moral fabric and traditions of the good ol' days.

republican party 2012

[Edited on July 24, 2009 at 2:30 PM. Reason : 2012]

7/24/2009 2:29:34 PM

how often are these passages studied in bible study I wonder

[Edited on July 24, 2009 at 2:37 PM. Reason : .]

7/24/2009 2:30:26 PM

^4

ya. btw the guests they wanted to buttfuck were angels. lol

7/24/2009 2:43:54 PM

well.... wouldn't you?

7/24/2009 2:46:29 PM

i hear gabriel is a cutie

7/24/2009 2:50:41 PM

he got a donk

7/24/2009 2:51:58 PM

ok that actually made me start laughing in my office.

you win at the internets today

7/24/2009 2:52:33 PM

^^ you sure about that?

7/24/2009 3:11:40 PM

^
yes

7/24/2009 3:56:02 PM

Lot had a rough time.

after The LORD destroyed his city in retaliation for the above incident, and his wife was turned into a pillar of salt...

Lot and his two daughters holed up in a cave for a long time where he stayed drunk and his daughters took turns having sex with him, until they both finally gave birth to some inbred children.


-- Lot and his Daughters, Hendrik Goltzius (1616)





[Edited on July 25, 2009 at 1:35 PM. Reason : .]

7/25/2009 1:19:12 PM

Then they fled the country and inhabited West Virginia, and the rest is history!

7/25/2009 1:21:21 PM

IIRC, the inbred children became the ancestors of the Moabites and the Edomites.

And I'm pretty sure the Edomites landed in Salisbury, NC.

7/25/2009 1:33:03 PM

how many unusual things can you find in this photo?

1) why the hell does the dog have on collar? And furthermore did they even have pug/ chiwawa's back then?
2) Whats up with the fox? Is it waiting to eat ridicious dog?
3) why are there people in the background? I thought they were flying solo in the cave
4) The knife looks like its falling off the table
5) Where the hell is she pouring that wine, on the table?
6) The tree looks like it has a wicked snowman head and a carrot nose growing out of it
7) why does the daughter on the left have such tiny head?
5) The tasseled table cloth is killin me



[Edited on July 25, 2009 at 5:51 PM. Reason : skn]

7/25/2009 5:48:52 PM

i bet punchmonk knows the answer to all those. she studied art history and knows all about iconography and whatnot

7/25/2009 5:54:47 PM

the answer is 1616.

7/25/2009 6:01:05 PM

yeah i get that 1616= tassels, dog, perhaps even the tiny head

that still doesn't explain the snowman head, background people, or lack of glass

7/25/2009 6:06:20 PM