so heres the situation:

I am considering dating a women who has a child from a previous relationship. we have been spending a decent amount of time together and there is good chemistry. She is 2 years younger than me and her daughter is 2. I am unsure about the whole situation although i am not running for the hills or anything like that.

If you guys have any experience or advice on the matter i would appreciate it. I am not sure how i would handle someone elses child in the long run. If i cant do that then the relationship is doomed from the start.

not really sure what im looking for here but maybe you guys could help push me in the right direction.

4/5/2010 9:45:31 PM

Why'd she have a kid at *insert age* with a person out of wed-lock? Or was she married?

4/5/2010 9:50:29 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vW95YIpC6Rw

4/5/2010 9:51:16 PM

Ask yourself if you want to have grandkids in 20 years

I'm AstralAdvent and i approved this message.

[Edited on April 5, 2010 at 9:53 PM. Reason : chances are they'll be mixed too]

4/5/2010 9:53:35 PM

If she is worth it she is worth it. Baggage isn't always a bad thing. I think it helps make us who we are (and you seemingly like this woman). Good luck! Teach him how to play sports!


Oh crap i cant read. Daughter? Bail (kidding).

[Edited on April 5, 2010 at 10:02 PM. Reason : .]

4/5/2010 10:01:01 PM

if you're under 30 don't bother.

4/5/2010 10:02:04 PM

this sounds like an extremely personal question and you are going to get a ton of different answers!

personally, i have no issues with someone having a kid if i were to start dating him, assuming i liked him enough.

i guess you could contribute that to my age....26, but i don't know.

i think it just boils down to...are YOU ready?
people are ready at different times in their life.

[Edited on April 5, 2010 at 10:07 PM. Reason : and i could be worng...but it sound like you may not want to, or really need more time...]

4/5/2010 10:07:04 PM

For me I generally look at it the same way timbo did. I mean, if her kid is 12, it's one thing, but if you had a kid with someone and two years later you're split, what kind of forethought do you have? How strong was your relationship to begin with, and if it wasn't strong, why'd you have a kid?

And if your judgment is that poor, I don't think I want to be with you. There would have to be an extreme reason for why you're a single mom, like maybe he was killed in Iraq or something.

4/5/2010 10:09:06 PM

i say just be open with her while you figure it out

my sister had a kid young & struggles to find men to date who can handle her having a kid. but she's 27 and her son is 9 so with an older kid i imagine poses different challenges

either way just be honest and keep the lines of communication open

^ a mindset like that is, in my opinion, immature

to say someone has "poor judgement" and you dont want to date them because of it... is just someone who is inexperienced in life. everyone makes mistakes. girls get pregnant on accident and you're pretty much damned if you have the kid and damned if you dont

the circumstances surrounding why someone had a kid with someone they're no longer with vary so widely that its up to you to decide how you feel about dating that person

an extreme reason? like what? how about an asshole dad who walks out or beats you up so you leave with the kid, is that extreme enough?

women who have kids become extremely protective and suddenly (ie you didnt notice it before you had a little human to protect) that guy you had a kid with is very obviously going to be a bad influence on the kid and you want to get away from that. i dont see that as extreme, i see it as a smart decision

[Edited on April 5, 2010 at 10:14 PM. Reason : sdkjkdj]

4/5/2010 10:09:37 PM

^^i'm trying to gather what youre trying to say...
are you berating the fact that she didn't abort? (i know that sounds rude, i really don't mean it to be......)



[Edited on April 5, 2010 at 10:14 PM. Reason : ^ yeah. ]

4/5/2010 10:13:21 PM

yea it makes perfect sense to raise someone else's biological waste. go for it, machinencsu.

4/5/2010 10:16:16 PM

for what its worth, i think men have an easier time with previous kids than women do

i know a lot of shitty ass step moms and a lot of really cool step dads

4/5/2010 10:26:47 PM

Thats because dads have it easier.

I'm AstralAdvent and i approved this message.

4/5/2010 10:33:56 PM

^^^^, ^^^^^

I think he(?)'s just saying that the situation calls for a considerable amount of investigation. I would want to know that the girl/woman didn't just have a kid for the fun of it, or was just a complete moron/irresponsible enough to get pregnant (and end up single) in the first place. I don't think he's implying much past that. Mothers become single for a ridiculous number of reasons, it's just good to know what those reasons are upfront, since they may say a ton about the girl/woman herself.

[Edited on April 5, 2010 at 10:34 PM. Reason : ^'s]

4/5/2010 10:34:05 PM

Dude it all boils down to what you feel when you're with her. Simple. (that's a very girly answer, I'm aware but hear me out.)

I've spent time with a chick that had a kid and didn't think much of her. However, I've been out with another woman that had two kids and I thought the world of her, it didn't work out unfortunately

Go with you gut dude!

4/5/2010 10:35:54 PM

As has been mentioned, this is really a question more focused towards your current lifestyle and your long-term life goals/wants/desires. Having a young child in a long-term relationship, regardless of parentage, is going to introduce a VERY different lifestyle than say, no children. Now, ask yourself if you have always wanted family as your long-term goal anyways? Or, do you want to travel the world? Or climb the corporate ladder or ???.

And more importantly, what is it the TWO of you want long-term if you start thinking in the manner.

4/5/2010 10:40:08 PM

Quote :

"or was just a complete moron/irresponsible enough to get pregnant (and end up single) in the first place"

its funny how women are always fully to blame for ending up pregnant and "ending up" single...as if the guy involved had nothing to do with it

a lot of women want the father to be involved and he doesn't give a shit. is that her fault for ending up single?

this is a sensitive topic for me since it hits close to home and i see a lot of the challenges first hand, its just a shame that woman are forced to take the blame for ending up single and pregnant, as if you have to be a complete moron and irresponsible to end up this way.

women get pregnant with initially unwanted children every day. its not always irresponsibility that leads to it. i hate to burst your bubble but birth control is not 100% and even still, antibiotics can decrease effectiveness, and most pharmacists dont even tell you and a lot of people arent even aware

just think twice before you judge a single mom. not all of them got fucked up at the bar and banged a stranger in the alley like you want to think

4/5/2010 10:45:32 PM

^^ Agreed. If I were you, I would only consider this relationship if it had the ability to go long term.

One thing you should consider is that she probably initially much more outgoing because she has a child. Once the relationship starts to settle down I would carefully note any significant changes in her personality. Be especially wary if she tries to pressure you into making large commitments (e.g. Getting married) without you being comfortable.

Remember, she's looking out for her child more than herself. That means sacrificing herself and potentially you to better her child.

[Edited on April 5, 2010 at 10:46 PM. Reason : .]

4/5/2010 10:46:10 PM

A good friend of mine met a woman with a child. She was a little older (like 3 years?) and had a 3 year-old from her previous marriage. Apparently the dude went crazy. Anyway, we were skeptical, since my friend had never been into kids, but he took to it well. He like her so much that the child thing just fell into place. The kid is almost 4 now, and my friend just married the girl. They are way cute together, and the insta-family thing doesn't bother my friend at all.

So, moral of the story: while you should be cautious and take your time with a potentially delicate situation, it could totally work out for you.

4/5/2010 10:49:38 PM

You are too young to do this shit. big mistake

4/5/2010 10:50:31 PM

are the answers any different for dating a dude with a kid? (entering this situation myself)

4/5/2010 10:50:52 PM

^ This whole thread is completely subjective. The OP didn't provide enough information for anyone to make an educated guess so we are all speculating. You being with a man could be similar or different based on the circumstances.

4/5/2010 10:53:51 PM

^ this happened to my friend. he really liked the girl, but as they got closer she couldnt ever get a babysitter and eventually they were just sitting around with the kid all the time.

sometimes young 20-somethings need to get out and enjoy life. it creates a difficulty for trips, going out for the night, holiday plans, and a wide variety of other outings.

4/5/2010 10:54:00 PM

Quote :

"its funny how women are always fully to blame for ending up pregnant and "ending up" single...as if the guy involved had nothing to do with it a lot of women want the father to be involved and he doesn't give a shit. is that her fault for ending up single? this is a sensitive topic for me since it hits close to home and i see a lot of the challenges first hand, its just a shame that woman are forced to take the blame for ending up single and pregnant, as if you have to be a complete moron and irresponsible to end up this way. women get pregnant with initially unwanted children every day. its not always irresponsibility that leads to it. i hate to burst your bubble but birth control is not 100% and even still, antibiotics can decrease effectiveness, and most pharmacists dont even tell you and a lot of people arent even aware just think twice before you judge a single mom. not all of them got fucked up at the bar and banged a stranger in the alley like you want to think"

just keep in mind i was making a point, and in no way saying a single mom is necessarily to blame for her situation.

[Edited on April 5, 2010 at 11:28 PM. Reason : ]

4/5/2010 11:27:46 PM

Women aren't to blame for "unwanted" children. As someone said, a lot of the time it is due to crappy "fathers."

That being said, this is a very difficult decision to make. You almost have to try to judge the relationship as just between you and the girl, but its almost impossible to do that. It all boils down to what you want. If you want to be with her, then be with her. If you don't want children right now, then you have your answer.

Just be honest with yourself and what you want. There are a lot of single mothers out there that would be great partners (and many that wouldn't).

Try dating her would be my advice. If after a few weeks you simply can't deal then there you go. Just be honest with her.

4/5/2010 11:32:21 PM

I'm definitely sympathetic to single parents. It's hard.


But naturally I feel the need to remind folks about birth control. There are a billion different kinds of birth control for all lifestyles and at all steps of the way. You can use something well beforehand like a shot/pill/ring/etc..., something immediately beforehand like a condom, something immediately after like pulling out (it's better than nothing), something the next day, and something two months later like an abortion...

With all the options that are available, I question just how "unwanted" and "surprising" some of these pregnancies actually are.

Quote :

"not all of them got fucked up at the bar and banged a stranger in the alley like you want to think"

And yet, if the drunk woman banging strangers in an alley uses birth control, she has more control of her life than some chick who is in love with her loser boyfriend and "forgets" to take her pill for a month and a half.

4/6/2010 12:29:07 AM

Quote :

"a lot of women want the father to be involved and he doesn't give a shit. is that her fault for ending up single?"

What was she doing with the guy in the first place? People need to take more responsibility for their actions. I'm not going to have sex without a rubber if I'm not 190% sure the guy I'm having sex with would make a good father should the birth control fail.

And the antibiotics line is again people trying to defer responsibility for their actions. Anyone who actually cares about what they're putting in their body is going to read the piece of paper they stick in the box with your birth control. Or read the label on their antibiotics. It's like someone who blames everyone but themselves for not reading the packaging on their Valium and it's not working because they drink grapefruit juice every morning.

Yes accidents happen. But I for one would wonder about the thinking of a man or woman with such a young child that are already split.

4/6/2010 12:49:51 AM

^ +1

4/6/2010 1:06:11 AM

Quote :

"its funny how women are always fully to blame for ending up pregnant and "ending up" single...as if the guy involved had nothing to do with it a lot of women want the father to be involved and he doesn't give a shit. is that her fault for ending up single?"

Bridget pretty much nailed it...

Quote :

"But naturally I feel the need to remind folks about birth control. There are a billion different kinds of birth control for all lifestyles and at all steps of the way. You can use something well beforehand like a shot/pill/ring/etc..., something immediately beforehand like a condom, something immediately after like pulling out (it's better than nothing), something the next day, and something two months later like an abortion... With all the options that are available, I question just how "unwanted" and "surprising" some of these pregnancies actually are."

Women have a lot of options available to them. Guys have basically one line of defense and, when it fails, we often don't find out until long after the woman has already decided what is going to happen next. As a woman who may end up carrying and delivering a baby you have to accept that you have a great responsibility. Part of that responsibility means weighing the risks that you might raise a child by yourself if you choose to go through with a pregnancy.

I don't mean to sound sexist or cruel, but it wouldn't hurt people to take a good hard look at their relationship before choosing to get pregnant. I'm sure it sounds romantic when you talk about it after the pregnancy occurs, but letting romanticism outweigh reality is just naive. The reality is that the shit will hit the fan. Things will get expensive. Kids will stink and they will cry. Not all guys are going to be up for that despite what they may say when you first tell them you are pregnant. If you weren't happily married/living together before the pregnancy what makes you think things are going to be better/different when the child comes?

I sound like a freaking Planned Parenthood ad.

[Edited on April 6, 2010 at 1:40 AM. Reason : l]

4/6/2010 1:39:08 AM

^^^ +1

The one thing I'd be most afraid of is that she went baby crazy, quit the pills and didn't tell the guy. Don't want that happening to you.

4/6/2010 8:14:45 AM

You just have to remember that the kid is always going to come before you so you need to be ready to face that fact. As others said a lot of it comes down to her situation and how she got to that point and if you feel comfortable with it. Also most women with kids when entering into a relationship are in fact lookin for a marriage type of relationship I would imagine, as opposed to just dating around for fun. So you should consider if you are at a point you could see yourself ready for that type of relationship should it work out and if the answer is no, then save both of you the trouble.

4/6/2010 8:35:02 AM

i think wolfpackgrrr nailed it

4/6/2010 8:37:56 AM

I'd date a woman with a kid if the kid's father was dead.

otherwise hell no.

and

Quote :

"i think wolfpackgrrr nailed it"

[Edited on April 6, 2010 at 8:41 AM. Reason : .]

4/6/2010 8:40:50 AM

Personally, after dating a couple of guys with kids, I have found that it can either be really easy or a pain in the butt. It just depends on the person's relationship with their ex.

Guy #1 lived in Florida and the kid lived with the ex in Chicago. The kid would come down for about a month out of every year and the guy I dated would visit on the occasional weekend. He would stay in a hotel and really just spoke with the ex to coordinate plans or share info about their daughter. Their relationship was all about the daughter. They had been divorced for about 10 years. I wish things could have worked out, but I lived too far away and our chemistry wasn't quite right.

Guy #2 lived just 20 miles from the ex-wife. Child stayed with him 2 nights a week. He would stay at the ex's house on occasion. Divorce was not finalized. During almost every date we had, the ex would call to chat. They were still close friends. I felt like I was dating four people. And I didn't really trust him because I felt his ex was omnipresent.

The main point I'm trying to make is that the relationship should be between you and the other person, primarily. And secondarily, you will inevitably have a relationship with the child. But be very cautious and maintain an awareness of the other person's relationship with their ex. People have a tendency to reconcile with exes.

4/6/2010 8:59:13 AM

it's almost like that bitch never heard of an abortion

my advice to the OP: run away

if you accidentally knock her up she'll probably be dumb again and actually have the bastard

4/6/2010 9:16:12 AM

Quote :

"i hate to burst your bubble but birth control is not 100% and even still, antibiotics can decrease effectiveness, and most pharmacists dont even tell you and a lot of people arent even aware"

to be fair, there are only 2 antibiotics that have been PROVEN to decrease the effectiveness of birth controls, and both of them aren't that popular, unless your sister has TB. Trying to blame it on antibiotics is a weak argument.

4/6/2010 9:50:10 AM

At least you know she puts out.

4/6/2010 10:28:59 AM

I've done this on two different occasions, also.

Girl #1: she totally kept me seperate from the kid and ended up going back to her ex, who was not the father.

Girl #2: We dated, lived together, got engaged and I was pretty much ready to adopt the kid. Her ex lived across town and they only talked to discuss the kid and argue back and forth. I had to fight like hell to get any kind of acceptance from the kid (the father did his best to throw wrenches in the spokes here) and when things did not work out between us, the hardest part about the breakup was honestly telling that little girl I had to leave.

Maturity plays a huge part here.

4/6/2010 11:53:52 AM

I would like to have more details before I form an opinion.

In certain situations I wouldn't have a problem with it. I like kids, and they like me.

4/6/2010 12:08:21 PM

make sure you ask her if she wants to have any more kids....my bro dated a chick that had 3 from a previous marriage (and she was under 30), she at first said she wanted to have more but then when it got serious she said she didnt want any more kids...so it ended. I think her ex is wealthy so the child support payments are pretty good, though she still works. I saw her a couple times, she is very very tiny couldnt imagine her preggers.


[Edited on April 6, 2010 at 1:31 PM. Reason : w]

4/6/2010 1:28:57 PM

My rule is no kids over 5 or 6

Younger than that, you're just another grown up

Older than that, you're the asshole who's fucking their mom

4/6/2010 1:38:16 PM

4/6/2010 1:59:01 PM

RUN AWAY


FAST!!!

4/6/2010 2:42:46 PM

i would think one of the most important questions i would want answered is "what kind of father is this guy to the kid and what kind of relationship does the girl have with the father?" if it's about the kid, then that's great....it definitely makes things easier. but if the father likes to play games or likes to start drama, then there could be some unnecessary drama....are you prepared for that? not saying it should deter you completely but it could cause issues and make you not want to get involved with the girl at all.

also, do you think the girl will introduce you to the kid right away? i know a lot of single mothers who are very protective over their child and who they introduce into their lives....especially men they date. they don't want the child to get the wrong idea about who their father is and in the instance that the relationship doesn't work out, the mother doesn't want the kid to watch the mother go from boyfriend to boyfriend. it can be confusing.

i think once you hit your mid to late 20s and into your 30s it definitely becomes a possibility that you will date or think about dating someone with a child. there's nothing wrong with it but every situation is different. as other people have mentioned, there might be some nights where you might not be able to go out as a couple because the child could be sick or you guys can't get a babysitter. the child could also try you....once you do meet them, they might try to see how much they can get away with or might not even want you around.

otherwise, i don't see why you can't date her and see how things go. and if all else fails, at least you know she puts out

4/6/2010 2:47:38 PM

I don't want kids for another 7 ish years. I'm not considering any girl with a kid. Instant deal breaker. That's not a girl, that's an instant family.

4/6/2010 2:58:34 PM

I would love to hang out with a 6yo+ . I am a little nervous about the really young ones (looking forward to it but a little hesitant). Maybe someday .

4/6/2010 3:19:52 PM

Let me weigh in on this subject. From personal experience let me tell you this, 4 years ago I would never in a thousand years have thought that I would be married to a woman with a 7 year old son. When my wife and I started dating I was very hesitant about continuing the relationship because she gave birth at 19, even though I was extremely attracted to this woman on many levels. A good friend of mine gave me some timely advice, she said "Jared, at our age everyone has some baggage," and she is right. Taking that into consideration I continued the relationship and I am so glad I did because I fell madly in love with not just Jennifer, but Chandler too (her son). It helped that Jennifer was upfront with me about why her and Chandler’s biological father split and the choices she made in the circumstances she was in made me respect her highly. She had some very hard choices to make at a tender age of 21. When Jennifer and I started dating Chandler was 4, now he is 7, so I have been an important part of his life for almost half his life. Even though Chandler’s biological father decided to get back involved with Chandler’s life after 3 years of absence, Chandler still considers me to be Dad and it warms my heart every time I hear it. You need to ask yourself some important questions:

1. Do you see yourself taking on the role and responsibilities of a father figure?
2. How will you react to any involvement that the biological father has or will have with the child and his mother?
3. Can you not only fall in love with the mother but with the child too?

If you answer no to any of those questions then you may have some issues, but it’s no reason to give up on the relationship right now. It’s worth exploring and seeing where it goes but make sure you are open and honesty with the girl you are dating. You have to communicate with her how you feel. If you are ready for a serious relationship and family life then I say go for it.

4/6/2010 4:18:19 PM

depends on two things mainly

1 - her relationship with her baby daddy:

(a) if his presence is in anyway a problem, and he can't be removed from the picture for good, its probably a no go.

(b) multiple babby-daddies - run like the wind my friend.



2 - how she ended up with a kid:

(a) if it just didn't work out because the relationship was unhealthy beyond fix, or if the guy turned out to be less than honorable/stable/simply less of a man, its all good - hey, life happens.

(b) if she jammed out with her clam out during her youth, and now is looking for "stability" or "a good guy", i personally would rule her out, but that's just me. i have no tolerance for high mileage for the sake of high mileage, and i certainly don't want someone who is unable or unwilling to leave her capitalist ethos out of her personal relationships.

(c) whether the circumstances of her having her kid raise red flags about her stability/mental well being. this is not a deal killer per se, but i would not be having it. contrary to most perceptions of reality, a lepoard can change his spots - but be advised, its a full time job.

4/6/2010 4:18:58 PM

Jesus, this thread is full of tl;dr but thr short answer is to run for the hills

4/6/2010 5:44:34 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjO1F6oCab8

4/6/2010 9:27:04 PM