Grandma: "I'm going to Nicaragua next month. In three weeks, I'll be drinking mojitos by the pool in a string bikini. Imagine that!"



Share yours!

12/26/2010 6:01:58 PM

Usually isn't anything too crazy in my family, just stupid.

12/26/2010 6:05:14 PM

"You should hear about our breast reduction surgeries."

12/26/2010 6:05:40 PM

My grandfather on his own father treating a dog that had been partially disembowled by a train wheel:

"And then daddy poured kerosene over the meat parts and covered 'em in what looked like axel grease--they was kind of tore up, you know--and put 'em back in the dog and sewed him up with mama's sewing needle. I tell you what, that dog was up running around the next morning."

I wish I could record him every time he tells a Depression-era story.

12/26/2010 6:10:35 PM

"I JUST WANT MY DAMN SNUGGIE! "

12/26/2010 6:11:55 PM

i listened to my grandfather's crazy explanation of how wheel of fortune works, he is seriously convinced that there is a black midget under the wheel that stops it on good spots for black people, and that pat sajack shows them the answers

we had to stop him before he started singing his "songs of the past"

12/26/2010 6:33:28 PM

Now I know why you so crazy, Carl.

12/26/2010 6:48:23 PM

My grandma is a great resource for racist information. Gotta love those older generations.

12/26/2010 6:53:16 PM

"my girlfriend is 4'10". So she doesn't have to get on her knees to reach things."

-my cousin, at Christmas dinner

12/26/2010 7:51:19 PM

"So Jeff, when are you finally going to settle down with that nice girl iheartkisses? She was so sweet."

-Errybody

12/26/2010 7:52:42 PM

my grandpa mentioned some dude he used to work with in the 1930s named "Shortleg Maganus"

12/26/2010 7:52:58 PM

"so, Lucy, is EMCE as hung as they say? Ssometimes your grandma exaggerates."

-Mom

12/26/2010 7:55:33 PM

Mom: When are you going to get married? Both of your nieces are married - 1 of them has a 2 year old and the other is 6 months along into her pregnancy.
Me:

12/26/2010 7:56:16 PM

^ sounds like my Christmas!

Uncle: so, Lucy, how are you ever gonna get married if you can't get a boyfriend?

Me: I got married a couple of months ago when I was wasted in Vegas. It's complicated. Don't tell Grandma.

12/26/2010 8:01:58 PM

Yeah it sucks...especially when you have younger nieces that are married and have kids...

12/26/2010 8:05:13 PM

Try being the only single person in your entire family. Other than Grandma.

They asked if I would get back with my ex. So I described in detail how he got a chick preggers about a week after we broke up.

Awkward family moments! Heeee!

12/26/2010 8:13:27 PM

the only person that is at a legal marrying age and is single besides me is my mom...and there is no one alive in this world that could survive more than a week with her....she is crazy

12/26/2010 8:17:08 PM

Cousin: So we got Lauren a new Camaro for her 16th birthday. It's a stick so she can't even drive it yet. I'll be safe for her since it's a V6.

Me: You know that V6 has 312 horsepower.

Cousin: OMG SHE'S GOING TO KILL HERSELF!

Me: Yeah no shit.

12/26/2010 8:55:00 PM

^lol

12/26/2010 9:00:56 PM

Uncle (in front of entire family): "How many interviews have you had with {company name}?
Me: "This Thursday will be 4."
Uncle: "That's more than Daniel (cousin) has ever had in his life."

Awkward!

[Edited on December 26, 2010 at 9:03 PM. Reason : J]

12/26/2010 9:02:17 PM

it involves the phrase "that colored woman"

12/26/2010 9:04:21 PM

Uncle David: "how's the love life?"
Me: "Absolutely horrendous, thanks for asking! How's Alaska?"

12/26/2010 9:08:04 PM

While watching I shouldn't be alive on Animal Planet a lady fell in Utah with her dog while on a training run. In walks future father-in-law who we haven't seen yet.

"Hey guys, what are you watching? Ahh look at that dumb bitch, whad she break a leg? Oh she has a dog, that damn lesbian? How was your flight?"

12/26/2010 9:10:47 PM

^^ you know Dave? he said he was going to hook me up with his niece... ohhh ooooooohhhhhhh... Dave is the man

12/26/2010 9:18:48 PM

This conversation happened a couple years ago. Back in the 90s my grandpa was a part owner in the Chicago Bulls' training facility during their heyday. He would be in there working out sometimes and would overhear some things.

Grandpa: Yeah Pippen, Jordan, and all of them would be talking and they would be bragging "I've got three cars and I just got me a white bitch"

Grandma: That's so awful!

Me: [cracking up] wait what?

Grandpa: They kept talking about they wanted to get a 'white bitch'

Just hearing an 85-year-old man utter the phrase "white bitch" made me lose it. My grandparents are sitting here all worked up and I am laughing my ass off.

[Edited on December 26, 2010 at 9:38 PM. Reason : .]

12/26/2010 9:37:59 PM

what what!

12/26/2010 9:38:31 PM

Quote :

"we had to stop him before he started singing his "songs of the past""

hahahahah
no words can express

12/26/2010 9:40:39 PM

Quote :

"Uncle (in front of entire family): "How many interviews have you had with {company name}? Me: "This Thursday will be 4." Uncle: "That's more than Daniel (cousin) has ever had in his life." Awkward! "

Hey!!! I've had more than 4 interviews

12/26/2010 11:43:25 PM

"Nigger Geese." That was from most of my family talking about what my grandfather called his farts. "A flock of nigger geese."

12/26/2010 11:57:50 PM

Quote :

"hey asked if I would get back with my ex."

lol I've gotten that in the past too. A few years ago my parents told me I should get back together with my high school girlfriend. Even though she was married. And lived in Boston. And I already had a girlfriend. Parents don't seem to understand that people break up for a reason.

12/27/2010 10:32:08 AM

The main topic of discussion was my townhouse (first time the 'rents have spent the night here and seen it) and the early Nov breakup of me and my ex-fiancée.

12/27/2010 10:33:48 AM

i'm really disappointed in this thread, i thought it would bring the lols a lot harder, i guess next holliday i will just keep a note pad with me when the family gets together

12/27/2010 12:53:09 PM

F-I-L (at dinner, to my son): Your Nana has hair growing all over the sides of her butt.

12/27/2010 1:41:48 PM

"Boy, you gay or something?"

It's been a pretty common question from my uncles when I tell them I'm not getting married anytime soon.
This usually comes after an hour of listening to them bitch and moan about being married.

12/27/2010 1:50:07 PM

^I've heard of people saying that too. If I were gay, wouldn't I be bringing a boyfriend around or something? If a gay dude doesn't have a boyfriend I wonder if their uncles are like "boy, you straight or something?"

12/27/2010 3:36:24 PM

In the living area surrounded by about ten folks:

Aunt Viv: "Do you want some eggnog, Graham?"
Cousin Graham: "Yeah, just a little."
Cousin Daniel: "You mean just the tip."
Cousin Graham: "Yeah, just the tip."
Aunt Viv: "What?"

12/27/2010 5:47:20 PM

I love saying shit like that in front of the older folks who don't get it.

12/27/2010 6:10:33 PM

My Girlfriend's 90 year old Grandma:

"I hate that Cialis commercial with the 2 bathtubs. If you they are promoting a sex enhancing drug, why wouldn't the couple be in the same tub?"

12/27/2010 6:12:50 PM

^ haha, my Grandma is the same way. The older she gets, the less she cares.

12/27/2010 6:19:37 PM

my uncle to me:

"YOU STILL SLINGIN' THAT MEAT, BUTCHER? GOTTA GIVE THEM GIRLS A REST SOMETIME, YA KNOW"
(he talks loudly)

12/27/2010 8:32:54 PM

On politics:

"That Sarah Palin is a real straight shooter!"

12/27/2010 10:06:50 PM

My grandmother walks outside while it's snowing.

"My titties are cold, I should've put on a bra"

12/27/2010 10:14:52 PM

Quote :

""Nigger Geese.""

my gma calles hand sanitizer Nigger Juice, N-Juice if she is out in public.


Also, my cousin is a nurse and was telling a story about a woman with a large abcess. My cousin was trying to kindly say it was on her labia and my uncle busted out, "Wait, it was on her Piss Finders?" Dad and I died

12/27/2010 10:18:56 PM

"Now I tell ya, I don't like niggers. What I can't stand even more is those mixed people, like Obama."

12/27/2010 10:24:08 PM

"im glad nobody i know is gonna see me riding in this thing"

My uncle on riding in a brand new suburban, cause he wanted to take his fucking cobalt.

12/27/2010 10:28:58 PM

Today my grandma told us it took her from 10 am to 6 pm for her and her friend to take pictures of my grandma doing yoga for Facebook. The friend apparently sat there... for 8 hours... clicking a mouse. She also apparently told my grandma it was the "most fun she had ever had." I told my gma I felt sorry for that lady's life (Her friend is in her 60s b-t-dubs)

12/27/2010 11:06:40 PM

^ the visuals of that bring the lawls

12/28/2010 8:05:36 AM

"We'll be OK fingering it"

my fiance's dad talking about how we can serve ourselves deviled eggs when her mom was asking if we needed a utensil to serve them. I had such a hard time holding back a "that's what she said"

12/28/2010 8:28:43 AM

This thread brings the lawlz

12/28/2010 8:44:24 AM

rednecks bitching about niggers

12/28/2010 8:54:13 AM