I'll start.


EBAUMS circa 2005:

Quote :

"STOP! Before you do, read this. You may change your mind. I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!"

2/4/2011 10:05:56 PM

Gonads and strife.

2/4/2011 10:06:26 PM

Ring ring ring ring, banana phone

2/4/2011 10:08:51 PM

lets take it REALLY old school

2/4/2011 10:12:15 PM

goatse

2/4/2011 10:14:47 PM

I just want BANG BANG BANG

Albino Black Sheep circia OLDASFUCK

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/bang



[Edited on February 4, 2011 at 10:18 PM. Reason : i hate the internet.]

2/4/2011 10:15:30 PM

Your mom

2/4/2011 10:17:18 PM

Badassmofo videos circa 1999

http://www.badassmofo.com/funstuff/painfulvids.html

2/4/2011 10:21:25 PM

man, this shit isnt that old... Bianca's was like 94-95

2/4/2011 10:25:31 PM

____ Ate My Balls

2/4/2011 10:35:06 PM

hamster dance, yo

2/4/2011 11:05:51 PM

sodaplay.com

2/4/2011 11:08:22 PM

punterz and proggiez

[Edited on February 4, 2011 at 11:19 PM. Reason : Fate X Ultra, Firetoolz, or whatever.]

2/4/2011 11:15:29 PM

TEXT FADERS

http://www.vex.net/~x/xfade/advanced.html

[Edited on February 4, 2011 at 11:23 PM. Reason : ...]

2/4/2011 11:23:30 PM

2/4/2011 11:47:19 PM

2/5/2011 12:17:43 AM

Hello my future girlfriend!

2/5/2011 12:19:52 AM

Milk and Cereal

2/5/2011 12:22:22 AM

2/5/2011 12:24:38 AM

Bang Bang Bang and Gonads and Strife are the oldest things i can remember. I must've been like 11 or 12 at the time


and the ORIGINAL snake game. none of that helicopter bullshit

I'm AstralAdvent and i approved this message.

2/5/2011 12:28:25 AM

2005 does not count as internet nostalgia

1995, maybe.

2/5/2011 12:30:42 AM

the end of the world

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84Ud3V9NPw8

2/5/2011 12:35:18 AM

^^^"Gonads and Strife" was made in 2001

back when I was 11, the browser wars were just heating up and Flash was still known as "FutureSplash Animator"; Flash cartoons hadn't started taking off because the Flash Player plugin wouldn't be released until I was pushing 13

2/5/2011 12:56:03 AM

[Edited on February 5, 2011 at 1:14 AM. Reason : -]

2/5/2011 1:13:40 AM

netscape

2/5/2011 1:46:05 AM

I came in here expecting to see this posted:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5x5OXfe9KY



[Edited on February 5, 2011 at 8:53 AM. Reason : ]

2/5/2011 8:47:26 AM

Bunch a goddamn youngins, ITT.

2/5/2011 8:50:25 AM

beepbopbopbeepbopbeepbopbopbeepbeep

ring

weeeeeeeeteeeeeeeeeeeeteeeee-hoooooowwwwwwwwcccchhhhh

kiiiiiiiiiiisshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

bernnng....bernnnnnnnnng

kiiiiiiiiiiiissshhhhhhhhhhhhh - it

2/5/2011 9:05:02 AM

Chop wins.

If you didn't hear that noise you didn't have internet in the 90s.

2/5/2011 9:56:22 AM

Miiiiiiiiiyaaaaaaaaa heeeeeeeeee, miiiiiiyaaaaaaaaaaaa hoooooooooooooooo, miiiiiiiiiyaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaa, miiiiiiiiiiyaaaa ha ha!

2/5/2011 9:56:32 AM

2/5/2011 11:00:42 AM

I remember setting up a pr0n download at like 5 after my parents were almost certainly done computing for the day. I was lucky to have a 3-4 min video downloaded by midnight. And you couldn't preview that shit so sometimes it was all for naught. Kids these days take that shit for granted.

2/5/2011 11:18:38 AM

apparently AltaVista is still around

2/5/2011 11:33:31 AM

I would pwn all you newbs in some LORD or usurper or trade wars.

2/5/2011 11:37:27 AM

6th grade iirc

2/5/2011 11:43:17 AM

^hahahaha that's hilarious

^^^^did you ever get caught

I went into sex chats way under age so a bunch of people could have gone to jail, i guess

[Edited on February 5, 2011 at 11:44 AM. Reason : ]

2/5/2011 11:43:29 AM

I just remembered...

In 9th grade my bus had to make two rounds before school every morning and unfortunately I got stuck on the first pass...so we'd get to school about an hour early every day and make a mad dash for the computer lab to see how many matches of the original Rainbow Six on the shitty LAN we could squeeze in before homeroom

they'd always try to uninstall the games citing them as inappropriate but we always managed to load it up and play, every day. I remember learning more about computers then than I ever have, specifically how to hide files and installations from old people.

When they finally gave up trying to keep us from playing they started charging us a quarter to enter the lab before school started, which caused such a ruckus that eventually they just banned us from entering at all. I left for another school shortly thereafter but, from what I hear, in the absence of their favorite pastime the other kids would just find some quiet stairwell to go get knocked up in.

priorities are a scam anyway

2/5/2011 11:46:50 AM

get 'em green monster

2/5/2011 11:55:20 AM

Must remember to dial the prefix 1170 when connecting to the internets or everytime someone called the house, you got cut off.

I was "online" in 1987 via

2/5/2011 12:03:26 PM

^ Prodigy FTW yo. BSUQ81A@prodigy.com(.net?)

I was doing local dialup BBS's back in the day. Local Engineer at WRAL (and another ham) had a BBS
Called "FREQs R US" which had all the good radio geek info back in the day.

Oh and apparently Google Groups still has old Newsgroup postings I made back in 94/95/96.

I am old

2/5/2011 8:48:23 PM

2/5/2011 9:40:13 PM

LOBSTER STICKS TO MAGNET

2/5/2011 9:45:25 PM

^^^,^^ ^^ I remember being pissed when they did away with Prodigy classic and forced everyone to Prodigy internet. I still use my Prodigy ID as one of my primary emails (RHWC18D). My password for the Prodigy account is also one of my main passwords to this day. I'll probably regret saying that.

I remember Prodigy in the pre-Windows days...how the graphics loaded one layer at a time.


I also remember when email cost something like 35 cents each message.

I remember when I first realized that Playboy had a website, but figuring out the whole http://www.website.com/ was so difficult that I had to write it all down to remember it.

[Edited on February 5, 2011 at 9:47 PM. Reason : and when JPGs showed up on the computer screen like negatives for some reason]

[Edited on February 5, 2011 at 9:48 PM. Reason : ^^]

2/5/2011 9:47:01 PM

Anyone remember the Sierra version of Lode Runner from the early-mid 90's?

2/5/2011 9:51:01 PM

I remember when Yahoo! Chat still used Java applets, in 1997, when I was 12 and we briefly had Internet access at home

and then Dad took away our Internet access and to this day does not have it in his house, because my 11-year-old sister was chatting with some guy from Portugal (and no it wasn't anything that Chris Hansen would have had a problem with, and she didn't act like Jessi Slaughter would)

2/5/2011 9:52:20 PM

2/5/2011 9:53:58 PM

a/s/l

14/f/cal here

2/5/2011 9:54:39 PM

2/5/2011 9:54:41 PM

I was lucky to grow up in the early 90's with AOL for year before we got an ISDN business line for my dad's work line right around 94ish. We upgraded to cable broadband in 98 and was one of the few people playing online as a LPB, low ping bastard. Oh dem the days.

I also went on chatrooms as chad, 29 years old and I helped people, but ended up flaming people before the term flaming was invented. My first website I ever visited was goarmy.com and the 2nd was playboy. lol

2/5/2011 11:40:44 PM

That Prodigy screen brought back some old memories. Damn.

2/6/2011 12:15:16 AM