ITT, share tips for moving in with a significant other. What things are important to know/do prior to moving in? What are some unexpected challenges that can arise?

3/12/2011 8:53:10 AM

uh oh! you makin the move woman?!?!

do you guys stay together often? when cody moved in it was a seemless transistion since we were together 24/7 anyway.


my only advice is for the messy one in the relationship-try and clean up after yourself, or at least every once in a while just clean the hell out of the whole place

3/12/2011 8:56:17 AM

personally, it's always seemed to be a bad idea to move in with a significant other unless that significant other can also be called your fiancé (or fiancée)

aside from hearing more stories about bf/gf issues than engaged couple issues, i have no basis for that opinion, though

3/12/2011 9:05:53 AM

Quote :

"personally, it's always seemed to be a bad idea to move in with a significant other unless that significant other can also be called your fiancé (or fiancée)"

The current gf has made this the rule. And not even "engagement"...it has to be "engagement with a date set." I definitely agree though. I've had several girlfriends ask me to move in when things were going great, and I said "no" just because. Then several months later things would go sour and I would say to myself "thank god we weren't living together or I would be doubly miserable right now." As many marriages end in divorce these days, it makes sense to be wary about moving in with someone who is only a bf/gf.

I respect her wishes, just tired of having a roommate right now and would %1000 rather have her in there.

We spend every night together, whether at her or my house. She's also slowly loving my house more and more every day, and you can tell it's a struggle for her to not just say, "fuck it, I'm moving in."

Should be interesting next couple months with my roommates lease running out.

And my advice to you would maybe to wait just a little longer?? I would say at least wait til you have dated a year. That was my "mile-marker" before the current gf because I had never dated a girl longer than a year.

3/12/2011 9:17:56 AM

Think about what to do with redundant stuff in advance. Our first apartment together got super crowded with stuff for a while. It was our first time off campus, we each had our own stuff, but now that we were both off campus, both of our sets of parents unloaded all the stuff of ours that couldn't be unloaded on us back when we were living in the dorms. Giving away redundant stuff to friends or donating extra clothes, or anything you don't need before moving it in to the new place can help.

Maybe talk about your daily schedules some... especially how early the alarm will be going off in the morning. And on Joie's point, I agree having a common standard of cleanliness is probably a good thing. In fact having a discussion about general household chores might help too, especially if y'all have different preferences rather than just splitting it down the middle.

How many showers does the place have? How fast does it heat the water? When do y'all usually shower?

Who is moving in with who? Is one person moving into the others place, or both getting a new place together? How long have y'all been together? Knowing common foods you like is a good thing when sharing a fridge and lots of meals together.

My experience was dorming with husband for a summer semester in Metcalf was a nice practice run living together before having to make any larger commitments.

3/12/2011 9:22:22 AM

Justin and I dated for ~4 months when we decided we were going to live together. Which was crazy talk for me b/c I was of the "no living together b4 marriage" variety...but something was obviously different about this relationship, and I knew early on this was heading somewhere great.

SO! Tips...we decided we would move in to a brand new place together versus he moving in with me. And looking for and finding the right place took awhile, but we eventually found a place we both liked.

He decided to actually purchase a townhome instead of rent. Which was fine by me...but I PAID HIM RENT. I wanted to feel like I had just as much invested in this place even though my name wasn't on it. I never signed a "lease" with him though, and he did cut me a deal (I can't even remember what I paid now honestly...)

We both had bills in our names...I paid the gas and TWC bill; he paid the electric and water bill. We would keep a log of what we paid, and after a few months one of us would pay the other the difference. And while we grocery shopped together, we bought food separately minus the staple items, and we would try to even that out. And like Supplanter is advising, we talked about how we would do all of this beforehand, so there were no surprises. We didn't talk about shower schedules...that just kinda worked itself out. Looking back, perhaps those 4 months it took to find a place to move in to together (plus 2 for closing) was a good amt of time to have really talked about all of the "how we will handle X" before we finally did make the move.

My only advice is be aware of the possibility of a "6 month blowout" fight. I think 6 months is a reasonable amount of time to get over the honeymoon phase of having moved in together and for those tiny little quirks your SO has, that you didn't know about b4hand, to really start getting on your nerves It was around then that we had our huge fight, but all we needed to really remedy the fight was some space. And of course...realize that that's the way he is, and this is the way I am, and it's silly so just move on from it cause there's nothing you can do to change it. Trust me...I've TRIED to get him to close the shower curtain after a shower. It just doesn't happen.

Also...don't go to bed angry if you can help it.

and I also agree with Joie

Quote :

"my only advice is for the messy one in the relationship-try and clean up after yourself, or at least every once in a while just clean the hell out of the whole place"

he's definitely more of the messy one, but those times he really pitches in and cleans the hell out of something (usually the kitchen) makes me

[Edited on March 12, 2011 at 9:36 AM. Reason : ]

3/12/2011 9:31:21 AM

Quote :

" and he did cut me a deal (I can't even remember what I paid now honestly...)"

He was getting them...pussy payments.

3/12/2011 9:37:03 AM

and fuck you.

3/12/2011 9:38:04 AM

Clearly, my humor didn't translate across the intertubes. You can fall face first into a bed of nails as far as I'm concerned.

3/12/2011 9:41:13 AM

Quote :

"How many showers does the place have? How fast does it heat the water? When do y'all usually shower? Who is moving in with who? Is one person moving into the others place, or both getting a new place together? How long have y'all been together? Knowing common foods you like is a good thing when sharing a fridge and lots of meals together. "

Quote :

"We both had bills in our names...I paid the gas and TWC bill; he paid the electric and water bill. We would keep a log of what we paid, and after a few months one of us would pay the other the difference. And while we grocery shopped together, we bought food separately minus the staple items, and we would try to even that out. "

lol, i have never thought about any of these things!
cody and i really, really lucked out on everything i guess.
we have lots of tacit agreements
ie-we would both just pay the bills as they came, we never really did any math. if i got one out of the mail and though about it-i would pay it. if he saw one on the counter he would.... every now and then one of us would pay more and i'm sure in the end its not exactly even but its probably pretty damn close. (hes paying them all now, but this was when i was working)

but theres some good things to consider in this thread!
i never ever ever thought of it being this big of deal, its weird to read in that perspective...i always viewed it as moving in with a friend (well maybe not THAT nonchalant, but you know )


but yeah the ONLY thing cod and i argue-is how messy i am

[Edited on March 12, 2011 at 9:58 AM. Reason : ]

3/12/2011 9:57:00 AM

What Joie and LK have said pretty much covers what you need to know.

I moved in with my SO before we were engaged & at the time I was a little hesitant to do so. Be sure you see serious potential in the relationship before you make the move.

3/12/2011 10:47:32 AM

I recommend having separate bathrooms and separate closets

3/12/2011 10:47:41 AM

I moved in with a girl about 6 months after starting to date her. We spent the night every night anyway and her lease was up so we both figured logically it made sense. It was a one bedroom, one bathroom apartment at the time, but it worked out fine. Ended up getting married to her and we still live together. (of course our accommodations have significantly improved since then!)

3/12/2011 10:53:23 AM

Quote :

"Be sure you see serious potential in the relationship before you make the move."

This.

Forget about whether you're officially labeled as "engaged": just make sure you're willing to be with this person in spite of things you're going to learn about them (habits, etc) when you live with them.

3/12/2011 10:59:25 AM

I don't think ^ is necessarily true for everyone.

I originally moved in with my current girlfriend as a "temporary fix" for both of us. We both lost our jobs and it just made sense financially. I even put all my stuff in storage because we both fully expected me to move out after we got back on our feet. But living together actually brought our relationship to a whole new level, and made us realize that we want to be together forever. We're a great team, and I'm not going anywhere.

3/12/2011 11:03:50 AM

Get a king sized bed.

I crashed with my girlfriend for a few months one time when I was in between housing (after my landlord sold our rental, but before I could find a place I wanted to buy.) The queen bed was cool when we were staying together a night or two per week, but when it came to living together I just needed more "get up off me" space.

[Edited on March 12, 2011 at 11:17 AM. Reason : l]

3/12/2011 11:17:05 AM

Quote :

"lol, i have never thought about any of these things!"

Me neither. All these tips are retrospective. I don't ever recall having any moving in related fights like the 6 month thing someone mentioned before or anything. Most of my tips were thinking about things moving from our first to second apartment. Adding extra storage space, getting a second shower, getting a 1 level rather than 2 level place so doing laundry didn't require going up and downstairs, and stuff like that were things we looked for.

As far as finances go, I think for some big things we split costs, and we alternated on somethings too, and eventually we opened up a shared account which has become more and more our main one.

Quote :

"Forget about whether you're officially labeled as "engaged""

I agree with that. Labels aren't so important as knowing its right for your situation. It isn't something to be done lightly, but I don't think being engaged is required. I mean you might even want to know that you can get along living with someone before you make the life-long commitment of engagement.

3/12/2011 11:24:07 AM

I've always been on the other side of the fence as the earlier posters itt, and wouldn't want to get engaged to someone if I hadn't lived with them first. Even when you are at the point of staying together all the time, things do change when you shack up. I'd hate to be engaged and then move in together and find out that starts growing the fault lines in your relationship and it isn't going to work.

Do figure out what to do with redundant items, but I highly recommend putting them in storage or something rather than getting rid of half your stuff and him getting rid of half of his (or one of you getting rid of everything, or whatever). That way if it doesn't work out (which you don't want to think about, but from a practical standpoint it is a larger possibility when you aren't married or engaged) nobody gets screwed over in getting rid of all their stuff. In that same vein, when you get new things, try to buy them separately rather than going in on everything together. It's a lot easier to decide how to divide things if you were to split up if you each bought separate things rather than splitting it all.

That might sound pretty negative, but having been through a breakup with a boyfriend I lived with (and for the record, I am glad we lived together and don't regret that because we broke up) it's my experience. I will admit I am not following my own advice with my current live-in bf, but who really follows their own advice anyway?

Honestly I think what makes the transition work is what makes relationships work in general, and that's being open and honest with what you want. When Aaron puts dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher I just emptied, I tell him that annoys me right when it happens and he works on fixing it. I don't just keep my mouth shut and let it bubble up under the surface. Same with him. When I leave my laundry out for a week and he wants me to put it away he just tells me and I try to get it done because I want to be considerate of the household things that are important to him but don't bother me very much. You are going to have different styles, but as long as you are considerate of each other's that won't present a big problem.

3/12/2011 11:30:12 AM

I will be doing this at the end of June...good timing for this thread!

3/12/2011 12:03:38 PM

i definitely think it might be easier to move into a new place together, rather than having one of you move into the other's place. unless one of you already owns a place, then i guess that isn't exactly practical for the time being. i think it's difficult, even if the person has been spending almost every night at your place, to have them come in and do things differently in what you consider to be YOUR space.

i think you should also have a conversation about what kind of people and activities you can and cannot tolerate happening in your home. your significant other may not find a problem with having friends over drinking and breaking things until 3...4...5 in the morning. your significant other may be the kind of person who is always offering up the spare bedroom to random fools you may or may not know. and who way overstay their welcome. you may disagree.

Quote :

"Trust me...I've TRIED to get him to close the shower curtain after a shower. It just doesn't happen."

i seriously LOLed so hard at this. i have given up on that one too!

[Edited on March 12, 2011 at 12:12 PM. Reason : ]

3/12/2011 12:08:19 PM

Great advice! What about breaking the news to family? Any best practices?

3/12/2011 12:12:30 PM

i'm not sure about general advice. my parents are probably way too laid back about things like that, so i've never experienced a shit fit over these kinds of things.

buuuut... maybe they should meet him first? i would definitely suggest that if they haven't already.

[Edited on March 12, 2011 at 12:14 PM. Reason : ]

3/12/2011 12:14:06 PM

Quote :

"Great advice! What about breaking the news to family? Any best practices?"

Depends on your parents. Just remember that you are an adult and can do whatever you want. If they have a problem with it, they will get over it. Unless, of course, they are still paying your bills. If so, then they have the right to dictate who you live with.

We were actually really surprised about how my GF's parents took it when she told them. She was expecting to get a lecture, but instead her Mom said "Well I think that is a really good idea". But then again, my girlfriend is 38 and has lived with 2 other guys before me.

[Edited on March 12, 2011 at 12:20 PM. Reason : a]

3/12/2011 12:17:27 PM

Quote :

"Great advice! What about breaking the news to family? Any best practices?"

i thought my mom would have a problem with it, but she surprised me with the "you're old enough to make your own choices" bit

like...seriously surprised me

my dad was his usual self (which is to say, he offered to help with the moving, fix up anything around the house, etc)

3/12/2011 12:19:58 PM

Quote :

"Forget about whether you're officially labeled as "engaged"

Agreed. Hell, what if you move in with your fiance and discover they have all these incredibly annoying living habits that you'd rather shoot yourself than deal with the rest of your life?

My only real advice I can think of at the moment is make sure there are very clear guidelines for the finances. How much is each person paying for rent? Who pays what utilities? etc etc. That will keep some arguments from occurring. I learned this the hard way the first time I moved in with a boyfriend

3/12/2011 12:21:43 PM

Yeah, I have lived with 3 different girlfriends and all three my parents couldn't care less. I think it's different for guys though.

3/12/2011 12:22:15 PM

my gf moved into my apartment in june 2007. we got engaged in october 2007 and married in june 2008.

it was really easy and there were no problems at all. we had been dating for a while anyway so we knew each other really well and already knew we would be compatible. When she moved in, she had just signed a lease with her friend at another complex. She couldn't get out of it but her friend agreed to pay all the utilities over there as long as my wife (then gf) paid half the rent.
Therefore, for the first 9-10 months, she had to pay half the rent somewhere she wasn't even living, so I paid all the rent and we split utilities at our apartment. By the time we got married in June, she was out of that lease and then we got joint bank accounts and the rest is history.
I think it was the best move we ever made. it just made us closer and i can't think of one single problem we ever had based on it. we moved out and built a house a year later.

oh, and about the breaking it to parents.... my parents already knew her really well and liked her (we had been dating a while). when they found out, they may have been surprised (i don't know), but they were always supportive and realized we were adults and could make that decision if we wanted.

[Edited on March 12, 2011 at 12:39 PM. Reason : yea ]

3/12/2011 12:38:04 PM

I think it depends on the couple. For some it's great and for others not so much.

My husband and I moved in together in together after 2 years of dating. Lived together a year, got engaged, and got married 9 months later. We DID have some arguments in the beginning because we hadn't discussed household duties. I would recommend figuring our how you are going to split those prior so one person doesn't feel taken advantage of. Overall, living together was good for us, it allowed us to work on those kinks before we got married. When we got married not much changed because of it.

We decided to move closer to his home, so he bought a house and I moved in with him. For us the bills were a little different, primarily because we knew we would get married eventually and wanted to save money - so he paid most of the bills and we save most of my salary, but if you are both pitching in then you probably want to decide in advance that agreement.

3/12/2011 12:49:08 PM

Have an exit strategy for if things go bad. Moving in with my ex was the worst decisions I ever made, but fortunately I had a very clear plan of action when things hit bottom. This also helped me deal with her parents -- they were skeptical but when I explained to them exactly what would happen if things didn't work out, and they knew their daughter wasn't going to get screwed over.

3/12/2011 1:34:41 PM

Quote :

"Great advice! What about breaking the news to family? Any best practices? "

just tell them outright. you're not asking for their opinion; you're just letting them know where you are with your life.

3/12/2011 1:44:49 PM

bad idea.

keep your own places, rent your out if you want, but have somewhere you can go every once in awhile

spend the night as much as you want, but keep your own place IMHO

people tend to take things for granted when they are readily available and accessible

3/12/2011 1:47:14 PM

^^^what was the exit strategy?

3/12/2011 2:32:07 PM

having an exit strategy is a great way to ensure that you actually exit the relationship.

3/12/2011 2:55:38 PM

^^^^ I am telling them outright, but I'm wondering if I should tell them via email, telephone or text message. Def not asking their opinion, bc I take care of myself and am an adult and make my own decisions.

I just don't know the etiquette for informing parents.

^^^ I think it's silly to keep two separate places when one residence is just a storage facility. It's nice to have your clothing and personal belongings at the place where you physically spend all of your time.

[Edited on March 12, 2011 at 3:00 PM. Reason : e]

3/12/2011 2:56:51 PM

how would you tell them youre moving, knocked up, or engaged.

3/12/2011 2:59:30 PM

I'll tell them I'm knocked up. Then, when they're sad, I'll tell them I'm kidding and that I'm just moving.


No, definitely kidding.

3/12/2011 3:02:25 PM

Tell them your knocked up.

Then when they get upset, say you are just kidding and that you are actually a lesbian

Then when they get upset again, tell them you are just kidding and that you are dating a black guy

Then when they get upset again, tell them you are just kidding you are moving in with a guy.

3/12/2011 3:15:16 PM

That would be absolutely hilarious.

Tell them you're preggers, but you don't know the baby daddy.

JK, you have it narrowed down to either Big Jamal or Jose Gomez. You just have to wait and see what color it comes out.

3/12/2011 3:18:42 PM

hmm, how old are you? this is definitely a big decision but worrying about how to tell your parents seems weird to me (but i'm older so i could see it maybe being a big deal in my early 20s); do they know you're in a serious relationship, or would this be out of the blue to them?

Quote :

"I just don't know the etiquette for informing parents."

this in particular seems strange, is there really an etiquette for dealing with your parents? i would tell them the same way you'd tell them anything important in your life (moving, new job, etc) -- personally i talk to my mom on the phone every week or so and would just tell her then, i guess if we didn't talk often an email or text would work...

3/12/2011 3:21:17 PM

Definitely at least a phone call. I mean how would you feel if they told you they were getting a divorce via text message? Not quite the same scale, but still big news that I think should be shared as close to in person as is practical.

3/12/2011 3:24:20 PM

It might seem out-of-the-blue to them. I haven't talked to my dad since Christmas. I talk to my mom on the phone every couple of weeks, but it's really just to listen to her. They don't really know about my personal life. I live 4 states away from them.

^ That makes sense. Phone call + email followup so they know my new address.

[Edited on March 12, 2011 at 3:33 PM. Reason : .s]

3/12/2011 3:26:15 PM

ha, our situations actually sound pretty similar -- i probably haven't talked to my dad since christmas either since neither of us are phone people (i think we only talk if he answers the phone if i'm calling my mom and she's not home or if i have a question about my car or electronics) and my conversations with my mom are often just me listening to her, but i do tell her major things going on like the new job i applied for, etc and would definitely tell her if i moved (and i live across the country from them)

anyway, i'm sure you'll work it out telling them -- your phone call + new address email sounds pretty solid

good luck

3/12/2011 3:39:30 PM

Quote :

"JK, you have it narrowed down to either Big Jamal or Jose Gomez. You just have to wait and see what color it comes out."

lol

3/12/2011 3:55:53 PM

I told my mom over the phone and she said "Well it's not the biblical thing to do, but it's not like I can stop you." She was pretty much of the idea that if we saw ourselves going the distance, why not?

Oh, and we've been together a little over a year and my parents live close so they've met him on several occasions and really like him, so that helps too.

3/12/2011 4:01:49 PM

I've lived with 2 girlfriends for at least a year each, have broken up with both of them, and have just about no advice to give...

I've never had any discussions about chores or anything, and I've never had a single argument about them. That probably comes from a couple of reasons: (1) I'm pretty laid back and don't pick fights. (2) Mutual respect and fairness. That is, if I ask her to please do something, she does it, and if she asks me to please do something, I do it. If I feel like I've vacuumed the last 10 times in a row, I ask her to do it, and she does it. (3) It's fucking housework... Jesus, are we still seven years old and complain about taking out the trash? Do you get a gold star on your bedroom door for cleaning your room? There's no reason at all to get upset about cleaning your house.

Money: Proportional split based on income. Simple as that.
(side note: during my extended unemployed stretch, I paid what I could and was sure to make up for it in other ways, especially by taking over all household duties. And, of course, I had to show effort toward getting a job -- no mere mooching allowed.)

Having separate bathrooms certainly is easier. Pretty handy to be able to avoid all her shit all over the place.

King sized mattress is nice. Cuddling is fine and all, but every fucking night? Gimme some room dammit.

Decorations, furnishings, etc: I don't give a shit. She has better taste than I do anyway. However, after a 3-year stint of living together, once I moved out, I realized I owned absolutely nothing. I came to my new place with a bookshelf, a desk, and a desk chair. Bought a mattress pretty soon afterward. (and that's where I still stand. I'm thinking about getting a couch sometime soon....)

The parents thing was easy both times. My dad doesn't give a shit, and it certainly seemed like hers didn't care either. We'd typically just not talk about it to the grandparents, though...

3/12/2011 4:55:35 PM

^holy shit.

you read my mind.

3/12/2011 8:31:50 PM

I never really thought of moving in as being a super big deal because both times I've done it we've been practically spending 24/7 together that it was either live out of a suitcase or move some things over.

The first time I desperately wanted and needed out of my parent's place so I moved into a super small space with him. Definitely a lot of arguments when you literally live right on top of eachother, things got easier when we moved to a bigger space til we broke up.

Second time he moved in with me until we got a bigger place, then we moved to a huge ass loft and now a huge ass house. We both value our space and we split bills according to income. I generally get groceries too and help with whatever extracurricular activities we like to do.

The pet peeves are present but not as bad as living with my parents which I could never do again lol. He flushes before he pees AND after all the damn time and it leaves me batty, I am the messie one. lol But we agree to not let us bug eachother too much and to be conscientious of each other.

My advice is, make sure you have enough space to get away if need be and spend a couple weeks "visiting" to see what it's like first. You might find out he likes to fart in your general direction in the middle of the night or something, lol

3/12/2011 11:14:39 PM

LOL. Funny that the girls seem to be the messy ones here. I'm def messier. He's a neat freak. Works for me!

We've done three extended weekend vacations together so far, and aside from my Vegas trip, we've spent 4 nights apart in the past two months.

Any warning signs to pay attention to in early phases? Or any good tips for keeping the romance/passion alive?

3/12/2011 11:25:01 PM

Well any warning signs will most likely be heightened if you live with them, so their annoying habits can become 110% more annoying if you let it. But I completely believe in living with someone before marrying them.

The awesome thing about living together is sex any time anywhere! Spontaneous sex! In the shower, in the living room, in the kitchen, whatever! Surprise him! Also, right before bed we sort of have our we time, we shut off technology and lay in bed and just shoot the shit and cuddle if we want. it's definitely an awesome way to finish the day.

Oh and pack his lunch, nothing says love like a sandwich ha

3/12/2011 11:34:15 PM

Quote :

""my only advice is for the messy one in the relationship-try and clean up after yourself, or at least every once in a while just clean the hell out of the whole place""

Very very true, especially for the guys out there. Women don't want to be your maids.

I think that moving in gives you the opportunity to grow as a couple and it is an important step to do before marriage IMO. For instance:

You will be forced to resolve fights without the fist throwing.

AND

You will be forced to have to plan events and such together as a couple, and this will bring out the consideration (or lack there of) that your SO has for you. It is easy to make excuses when you are not living together, but if you move in with someone that is inconsiderate and not too serious about your own life, then you will discover this monster soon enough and have to deal with it.

3/13/2011 1:22:52 AM