So, I'm 26 now, and old people ailments are finally beginning to show their ugly faces. A few gray hairs, a couple crows feet, a longer recovery window...these I can deal with. But hemorrhoids are a different animal.

For the uninformed, they're basically engorged veins either directly inside or directly outside of your anus asshole. They make defecation an adventure and wiping akin to navigating a minefield, desperately trying to avoid contact with these open sores, as doing so will unleash a torrent of blood and puss that will make those whiteheads you used to pop in high school look like child's play in comparison.

So after a few weeks of pain and suffering, most of the roids have subsided. I say most because one remains. One large, painful reminder that I'm closer to 30 than 20. That I've spent more time graduated from college than I did actually in school. I looked at it in the mirror last night. Its about an inch and a half long, pink with crusted scar tissue from my constant itching. It almost looks like a little clit.

I'm not sure what to do about it. It doesn't really bother me, aside from the occasional WTF moment when I clinch my cheeks too hard and it briefly is sucked inside my asshole for a split second. It's actually done wonder with my fart game, serving as an amplifier of sorts, allowing me to reach pitches and patterns I've never experienced before. I'm afraid to go the doctor (Hey doc, pick this scab on my asshole please). I'll probably just end up letting it rot until at some point I drunkenly lop it off my kitchen shears before my next prostate exam. We're kind of in a holding pattern until then.



So guys, girls...simliar stories? Tips, advice? Any and all input is welcome.

5/26/2011 10:53:57 AM

You're straining too much. Get more fiber in your diet.

5/26/2011 10:55:38 AM

perhaps the welcoming of any and all input is the root cause of your problems

5/26/2011 10:56:01 AM

Is there any cause for these besides old age? How often do you let someone stick it in your ass?

5/26/2011 10:56:04 AM

all the women in my family have hemorrhoids from time to time except for me. Last summer while my mom was in the hospital she had one pop out and my sister actually took her finger and helped it back in

There are things I would do for my mother but that is not one of them.

[Edited on May 26, 2011 at 11:02 AM. Reason : actually I shouldn't say that, she was in so much pain and if Em wasn't around and no nurse then ok ]

5/26/2011 11:00:12 AM

I like to call periods herhoids

I'm AstralAdvent and i approved this message.

5/26/2011 11:00:53 AM

Quote :

"It was in that third game that Brett, who'd suffered from hemorrhoids during the first two games at Philly, blasted a first-inning home run. Afterward, to the assembled media at Royals Stadium, Brett grinned and cracked: "My problems are all behind me.""

5/26/2011 11:03:03 AM

There is no one answer for why you may develop hemorrhoids, but here are a few...

1.Adopting a wrong position on the toilet seat is one of the main causes of hemorrhoids. Place your feet on a stool during to correct this.
2.Constipation is another cause of hemorrhoids.
3.Diarrhea is a factor that damages the veins.
4.Wiping too hard or too long may cause or aggravate hemorrhoids.
5.Other important cause of hemorrhoids is pregnancy.
6.Heavy lifting straining can cause hemorrhoids to show themselves and can possibly cause hemorrhoids to develop.
7.Liver disease can also cause increased pressure in the veins, as blood is pooled in and around the pelvic system. Don't drink too much alcohol or coffee, don't eat junk food, and try to keep your liver and your heart healthy.
8.If you are overweight.
9.Another factor that counts is heredity. Some people are genetically predisposed to this type of illness and there aren't too many things we can do about it.
10.Anal sex is another cause of hemorrhoids.


These piss me off sometimes, cause it's a viscious cycle....constipation, irritation, diarrhea, etc.

5/26/2011 11:40:43 AM

Bear in mind this thread was merely a vehicle to mock the onslaught of women's hygiene threads.

My asshole is immaculate.

5/26/2011 11:43:21 AM

^ the difference is, all the nasty stuff we posted actually happens to us and pretty often.

5/26/2011 11:53:22 AM

I'm gonna turn this in to a women's thread bc being all preggo has brought on my first case of hemorrhoids

I think I'd rather have nausea

5/26/2011 11:56:04 AM

Out of consideration to everyone here, I'll refrain from posting pictures, and I'd ask everyone else to do the same.

But do not try to out gross me. My words are weapons. I will not stop.

5/26/2011 11:57:16 AM

from what I gather, being pregnant is pretty awful and I should avoid it at all cost

5/26/2011 11:57:18 AM

lol--it's really not all bad. But I've been pretty lucky as hemorrhoids have been my only uncomfortable side effect of pregnancy. Every one is different. Even a second or third time mom can have a completely different experience from another.

5/26/2011 12:08:20 PM

Stupid girls ruin their bodies by having a baby. I advise them to wait till they're at least 30 to have a child so they can enjoy their beauty while they have it.


If you think about it, the average person only looks good for 3/10th of their lives.

5/26/2011 12:20:57 PM

take a needle and a lighter to sterilize it. When it's good to go, gently prick the surface of the skin until the needle goes inside your hemorrhoid. it'll take some effort and patience, but once it's in, it'll burst the hemorrhoid, and it all the blood will drain out. you'll be left with a bit of an ugly, wrinkled scab, but it'll eventually slough itself off and you'll be right as rain in a few weeks.

5/26/2011 12:50:48 PM