Everyone has them, so share them here. I'll start it off.

My family in NC is pretty normal, but my family in PA is straight up nuts. They are mountain folk in the heart of PA Dutch Country, so they are about as redneck as it gets. I have only found out a lot of the stories since my Dad died, mainly because most of it is his family. But here's a gem:

My Dad had 3 sisters (my Aunts, duh), 2 of them were twins. Twin 1 married a guy and had 2 kids. Twin 2 then married Twin 1's Father-In-Law. So Twin 2's husband is both the Grandfather and Uncle of Twin 1's kids. Growing up I remember them always calling him "Uncle Pop", but I never understood why until recently.

[Edited on December 14, 2012 at 11:08 AM. Reason : a]

12/14/2012 11:02:53 AM

Naw, son. I ain't dry snitching

12/14/2012 11:07:44 AM

My uncle tried to sue my father. Then asked my father for advice on picking a decent lawyer.

12/14/2012 11:09:45 AM

I got a lot about my rural NC relatives, but I'm not comfortable discussing them on tww.

12/14/2012 11:12:33 AM

One of my cousins was 22 when he graduated High School. He repeated 9th grade 3 times and 11th once. Anyway, his senior year he dated and impregnated a freshman. You do the math.

12/14/2012 11:13:21 AM

Badass.

12/14/2012 11:24:49 AM

Another cousin worked in the coal mines and there was an explosion. He still has black "freckles" all over his arms and face from the coal particles that pierced is skin and pretty much tattooed him. Anyway, he was expecting a huge settlement from the mining company so he went out, bought a bunch of dope, and proceeded to get seriously fucked up. 2 days later the lawyer handling the settlement calls and tells him where he needs to go for his drug test to qualify for the settlement.........

[Edited on December 14, 2012 at 11:29 AM. Reason : a]

12/14/2012 11:28:34 AM

my cousin on the redneck side was asleep at their house, a roach crawled into his ear, and latched onto his eardrum. he had to go to the ER to get it removed. he said it was the most painful thing hes ever experienced.

12/14/2012 11:37:52 AM

My sister was busted in a drug ring of about 45 people that acted as the middleman between Durham to Fayetteville. She not only was a pusher but a user. Before all this happened, three years ago she broke into my grandma's home and stole money, checks, and over half of my grandfather's antique guns/rifles collection including the one he wore building bridges in Guam in WWII. She pawned them and we have no papers for them so they are forever gone. So she goes to jail for a stint and then gets sent to prison for a bit. She gets out. She goes back into the same crowd, breaks parole and gets sent put back into prison within a year because of the 45 people bust. She is then able to get early release somehow with certain parole stipulations again after about 6-7 months. She gets sent back within three weeks of release because she gets a a surprise drug test (which she knew she would get). But the crazy thing is within that three week period, she hooks up with an OG, gets married, and pregnant. She had her baby at Wake Med during that prison time. My mom is now raising the baby until she gets out again, hopefully Dec 27th.

She has had a crazy life that I would like to write a book about someday if she will let me. It might sell?

12/14/2012 11:50:52 AM

^ now THAT is what I'm talking about!

My cousin (the same one involved in the coal mine explosion) was (and probably still is) hooked on bath salts bad. One night he thought he heard someone outside so he just started blasting through the walls with a shotgun. His 10-year-old son was having a sleepover at the time.

[Edited on December 14, 2012 at 12:06 PM. Reason : a]

12/14/2012 12:02:45 PM

;lkjk;j

[Edited on December 14, 2012 at 12:27 PM. Reason : lkj;lk]

12/14/2012 12:26:51 PM

I have an aunt that use to be a high-profile call girl down in Miami. Businesses used her to take out high profile clients. She use to date an NBA player as well.

I've two awesome uncles, they are just kinda deadbeats and a little fucked up. One uncle that lives in Raleigh hasn't had a license for 10+ years because of so many drug and alcohol charges. I use to have to take him home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. He was once involved in a high speed motorcylce chase in the mountains of NC (and wasn't caught). He showed me the news footage once. He also use to bring home the hottest girls for Thanksgiving...years later he tells me that they were all strippers.

The other uncle once had three DUIs in a one month span (back when the laws were less strict). He had to move back to his hometown and live with my grandparents (where my family was living at the time). I was riding around with one of my pot-dealing friends and he had to make a quick stop. We pulled up to a car and he gets out of a bag of weed...it was my uncle's car. He actually laid into me for that one. And good thing....that friend got murdered on a drug deal a few months after that. Thanks Uncle.

[Edited on December 14, 2012 at 12:45 PM. Reason : .]

12/14/2012 12:45:12 PM

My cousin decided to become a hobo (or street kid, in his words) for about a year and travel the country (NC to TX to FL) by hopping on freight trains and hitching. During this time, he:

1) Spanged (panhandled) to make a living
2) Became a carny at local town/county fairs and operated fair rides (no training)
3) Got picked up by some KKK members and went to a Klan meeting
4) Would sleep on rooftops of buildings so he wouldn't get caught loitering by cops
5) Literally ate garbage

By the time he was done, he also had tattoos all the way up and down his body, up to the top of his neck. He was getting tats done all over the country.

He contacted me while hanging out in the shadiest part of Orlando. I picked him up and took him to the train station. En route, he confided that he was planning to go to Mexico next. How? By walking across the Mexico border.

Quote :

"He showed me the news footage once. He also use to bring home the hottest girls for Thanksgiving...years later he tells me that they were all strippers."

HA! Sounds very Kenny Powers. Love it.

[Edited on December 14, 2012 at 1:03 PM. Reason : d]

12/14/2012 1:03:08 PM

My cousin traded her 2010 4 door BMW for a new Z28 Camero because she was having trouble getting the car seat in and out of the back seat of the BMW. She is 22 and gets federal assistance...

12/14/2012 1:16:37 PM

^ that's a good one. reminds me of my coworker that had his mortgage paid for a year by the state and was on food stamps. he had to trade in his Porsche Cheyanne for a Lexus because he wasn't getting good enough gas mileage.

12/14/2012 1:24:45 PM

^,^^ grr

12/14/2012 1:53:17 PM

My dad's ex-wife's niece (I think??) got knocked up awhile back and didn't marry her boyfriend because they got more federal assistance if she was single. And she posts religious republican rants on Facebook all the time about how her taxes are paying for ghetto kids' Jordans. And how if a gay person prayed and accepted Jesus Christ then the demon that was the homosexuality could leave their body. Or something crazy like that. Jeeze I could go on and on about that side of the "family". I don't even know why we had contact with any of them.

Not as crazy as some of yous but enough crazy to make me uninterested in pretending to care anymore.

[Edited on December 14, 2012 at 2:08 PM. Reason : ]

12/14/2012 2:06:11 PM

^ oh yeah, all my cousins do that same shit, knowing full well that they all are on government assistance

And I have another cousin that floods FB with shit about how he risked his life for his country, served in Iraq, etc etc. Truth be told, he never left Germany. Further truth be told....he went AWOL and is lucky he didn't get thrown in military jail for it.

[Edited on December 14, 2012 at 2:14 PM. Reason : a]

12/14/2012 2:10:33 PM

I told her she was stupid and to quit posting that idiocy on my wall because I wasn't reading it, then unfriended her and some other "relatives".

12/14/2012 2:12:12 PM

I have a family member who has been jailed multiple times for drugs and other charges. She has 2 kids from 2 different men that she was never married to or is currently involved with. She was dating a guy several years ago who was barely 18 when she was in her mid-30s. He had to take a drug test for a job and knew he wouldn't pass, so he had her son, who was 8 at the time, pee in a cup for him. She went to jail for that one, but got out shortly thereafter. Then she was arrested as part of a large sting similar to what punchmonk described about 18 months ago for helping sell prescription painkillers. The year before that, she showed up to Thanksgiving high and proceeded to down about 4 Goody's PMs at once during the meal.

Just out of curiosity, I searched for her name online just now, and her mugshot pops up on Google Images. Turns out she was arrested again last month for probation violation.

12/14/2012 2:21:16 PM

WHOA!! Opstand!! That sounds so familiar. I was thinking you were talking about my sister until you said 30s. She is in her 20s.

12/14/2012 7:41:59 PM

Y'all got some fucked up families.

12/14/2012 7:42:49 PM

MY BROTHA DRANK THE BLEACH

now i have only sisterz~♥

12/14/2012 8:06:30 PM

my cousin tried to cash a stolen check at the bank, the cops showed up and arrested her for the bong in her purse. didnt charge her for the bad check because the cop left it on the top of his car and drove off so the evidence was lost


[Edited on December 14, 2012 at 8:18 PM. Reason : j]

12/14/2012 8:15:37 PM

My dad is a convicted felon who fled the country and is back now. He drives with a suspended license and is probably going to end up in jail again because he's back to dealing. He's in his 70s but acts like a goddamn teenager.

12/14/2012 9:09:26 PM

So back in the day, Uncle 1 and Uncle 2 (who is actually my great uncle) are selling snow cones in Durham. They are zigzagging through a ghetto, running up one street and coming down the next. Uncle 1 notices the same group of old men following the truck by walking down a middle street perpendicular to the ones they are driving up and down. They literally are waiting for the truck on the next street and all buy another snow cone at each pass.

One of Uncle 2's special jugs had moonshine in it.

12/14/2012 10:40:35 PM

It is unacceptably hot in my grandparents house tonight and it feels wrong to sleep in the buff

12/19/2012 11:53:48 PM

Quote :

"He had to take a drug test for a job and knew he wouldn't pass, so he had her son, who was 8 at the time, pee in a cup for him. She went to jail for that one"

wait wait wait

fucking JAIL TIME?

12/20/2012 12:22:36 AM

^ Yes, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, or whatever it's called

12/21/2012 7:25:56 AM

My cousin married this guy alittle over a decade ago who see met on the Internet. A few years in he looses his job and instead of telling her he robs a few banks by passing a note instead of pulling a gun. My grandma is watching tv one day and says to my grandpa "this guy on tv robbing banks looks like John. That's funny"

Well it was him and spent 3 years in jail.

12/21/2012 7:46:29 AM

My uncle tells a story about him coming home to his wife pooping in the kitchen sink because their toilets weren't working. He said he had to push it down the drain with a spoon and the he hit the switch on the disposal and it slung it on the wall. No idea if its true but always fun to hear

12/21/2012 9:26:56 AM

Quote :

"It is unacceptably hot in my grandparents house tonight and it feels wrong to sleep in the buff"

Open a window then.

12/21/2012 9:27:49 AM

As long as the door is closed, it's never wrong. And even when it's wrong, I don't want to be right

No crazy family stories here so far, I just have the average family that likes to yell and scream at each other.

12/21/2012 9:41:48 AM

My mom came to my place last night and asked to see my 30 gal plastic storage box. She wanted to fill it up with water in case the world ended.

Swear to god this happened. Crazy asian lady.

12/21/2012 10:39:31 AM

Why would she need 30 gallons of water if the world is ending.

12/21/2012 10:40:28 AM

Blackouts...explosions...etc I guess.

12/21/2012 10:41:29 AM

does the container have a lid and a big enough straw?

12/21/2012 10:42:39 AM

I have 40 gallons of water stored under my house. But I am on a well, so when the power goes out we lose water too. Not fun taking a dump in a toilet that you can't flush.

12/21/2012 10:45:47 AM

That's what the outdoors is for.

12/21/2012 10:50:04 AM

No, that's what the spare water is for. Especially considering that we typically only lose power in the middle of the winter. I can't imagine shitting outside would be very enjoyable when it's 28 degrees.

12/21/2012 10:53:26 AM

Quote :

"Goody's PMs"

what is that?


I'd also like to hear stories about family drama, not just criminal activity

12/21/2012 1:57:32 PM

Quote :

"what is that?"

It's faayst

12/21/2012 2:01:19 PM

I have an uncle no one speaks to.

the other family members bought a vacation house near were he was living and never told him.

12/21/2012 2:08:53 PM

My Uncle OD'ed. His son molested my other cousin (victim told family about a decade later). I remember as kid, the molester smeared shit all over my grandparent's bedroom wall. He stopped coming to the Chrismtas parties about 5 years ago. He tried to friend me on facebook recently. Another cousin was working on a jobsite and disappeared for hours. They finally found him passed-out drunk in the woods beside the jobsite. That's enough for now.

12/21/2012 2:19:20 PM

bttt

I know people heard some good dirt today!

12/26/2012 2:44:46 AM

My father's sister died from a back-alley abortion the year before NY legalized it; it was the summer of '69.






















NOTE My previous post ITT and the line above were utter fabrications: I've never had a brother (although Mom did think she was pregnant with one about 2 decades ago despite years of tubal ligation), and Dad never had a sister; I just wanted to post something for the lolz in lieu of actual embarrassing stuff about my family, which is rare but potent.

[Edited on December 26, 2012 at 3:21 AM. Reason :

12/26/2012 3:21:07 AM

Brace your self for lots of words:

My aunt and uncle were removed from their home by the health inspector becuase they were lazy slobs. The toilet stopped working for months so they went out side, like the dogs. They also had infestations of roaches AND possums. They tried to raise 6 kids and 2 other adults in a 2 bedroom house, with no toilet and no running water except for the sink. So they lived somewhere for 6 months while it was cleaned up and fixed by someone, the family has no clue where they went or who cleaned it up.

Their son, my cousin, told me I was a rich arrogant asshole. He aslo told me he enjoyed breaking into rich white people's homes becuase they had too much stuff and didn't need it. I reminded him that he was white, and that a lot of people have guns, and if he wanted to meet my glock then he could break into my place. He is 24, never had a job, and never will.

He and his brother are addicted to Xbox. They play online all day and night and now live at my grandmas tiny house. They mooch off her in a shameful way. All they have to do is driver her to her appointments and take her to get her food and mesd, and they can crash there. But they wont do that. They are too busy playing xbox or breaking into houses to pawn stuff to buy games. They don't pay rent, gas money, food money or anything and they still can't make it becuase they don't want to work.

The oldest girl in that family was morbidly obese at 2. Graduated high school, and as a way to celebrate, got knocked up. The daddy went to jail for breaking into people's homes with the two from above. So the oldest girl, has no drivers license, no job, and is addicted to Facebook and uses it as a tool to ask for money from friends and family. The best part is, she is a rabbit and keeps popping kids out by different dudes. she alone has had to of wasted 200K of tax payers money in hospital bills. as of today, she has 3 kids, the oldest is 4, and one on the way. She can't hold a job becuase she is always knocked up and nobody can understand her (she talks like ghetto white girl, but also has a lisp, crazy combo)

The next oldest girl serious had to be switched at birth. She isn't fat, has a work ethic, and actually had a scholarship to wingate last year. She dresses trashy due to how she was raised,but in all has a good heart. She was the long shot for that family to succeed, all becuse she doesn't have the same genes as her parents.

The seccond youngest boy weighed 200lbs in elementary school. Now that he is in high school, he looks like 300+ easy. He is severely depressed, has no concept of success or how to succeed, and is high risk for suicide. He isn't like his brothers going down the wrong path becuase he is too fat to fit throu a window. Is kid looks like a lost puppy, no motivation and is figuring out his situation.

The youngest boy I haven seen in a years. He is being raised by a crazy crack head that his parents let help raise their kids. The crazy nanny, who is retarded, like literally retarded and acts like a 12 year old even though she is 40, has been helping raise the kids in the condemned 2 bedroom house. She also lived there with some guy.

To sum up
Aunt and uncle, don't work. House condemned due to filth.
All the kids are fucked up, breaking into houses, getting knocked up or depressed. Only 1 is beating the odds becuase she was switched at birth and isn't like the rest.

Now my side: my dad worked hard all his life and will retire a multimillionaire in 2013 (yay dad!). My sister and her husband made 40million last week off a business transaction. She lives in manhattan with houses here and there. She is really cool and a state grad. I work hard and hope to retire like dad. I have achieved all life goals to date and all that is left is have kids, send them to college and retire.

It's crazy how we share DNA, but the other side is so damn dumb and lazy.

[Edited on December 26, 2012 at 8:15 AM. Reason : Please forgive typos, typing on an iPad sucks.]

12/26/2012 8:12:19 AM

^that last bit makes you sound like the rich arrogant asshole that your cousin claimed you were

12/26/2012 10:41:03 AM

^ I don't think so. He's just telling the truth. Sounds like they got rich through hard work and intelligence. I didn't see a bit of arrogance through his post.

12/26/2012 10:53:37 AM

Someone in your family should've tried to get custody if the kids if they knew they were living like that.

12/26/2012 12:11:35 PM