imma poast jokes i laugh at as i read them out of this joke book. u can post too!

My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a
sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put
your ear to it, I swear you can smell
the ocean.

[Edited on December 20, 2012 at 9:52 AM. Reason : the tip of my penis stuck to the toilet seat because of the dried blood]

12/20/2012 9:51:01 AM

12/20/2012 9:54:24 AM

A nursery school teacher says to her
class, “Who can use the word ‘defnitely’ in
a sentence?”
A little girl says,“The sky is defnitely
blue.”
The teacher replies, “Sorry, Susan, but
the sky can also be grey, or red.”
A little boy says: “Trees are defnitely
green.”
“Sorry,” interrupts the teacher, “but in
the autumn, the trees are brown.”
1107/1345
Little Johnny from the back of the class
stands up and asks: “Does a fart have
lumps?”
The teacher looks horrifed and says,
“Johnny! Of course not!!!”
“Okay, then I defnitely shit my pants.”

12/20/2012 9:56:30 AM

Why are women like Kentucky Fried
Chicken?
After you’ve finished with the thigh and
breasts all you have left is a greasy box to
put your bone in.

12/20/2012 10:21:32 AM

Wanna hear a joke about pizza?

Never mind, it's too cheesy.

12/20/2012 10:34:54 AM

jcgolden

12/20/2012 11:57:12 AM

I work for a Suicide Hotline. I tried to
call in sick this morning but the bas-
tards talked me out of it.

12/20/2012 12:17:01 PM

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the
woman behind the counter he’s looking for
1236/1345
a blow-up doll. The woman asks, “Would
you like a Christian or a Muslim doll?”
Bemused, the man replies, “What’s the
difference?”
“Well,” replies the woman, “the Muslim
doll blows itself up.”

12/20/2012 12:21:43 PM

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper

The bartender looks over and says, "alright, i give up, whats with the steering wheel?"

The pirate says, "AAARRRR, its driving me nuts"

12/20/2012 12:38:27 PM

Quote :

"A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for 1236/1345 a blow-up doll. The woman asks, “Would you like a Christian or a Muslim doll?” Bemused, the man replies, “What’s the difference?” “Well,” replies the woman, “the Muslim doll blows itself up.”"

Man comes back to the sex shop and says he'd like to return the doll
"What was wrong with it" the shopkeeper asks
Man says "well it made me itchy

...turned out I had an Allah-gy"

12/20/2012 12:40:30 PM

Why do French men always miss the
urinal?
You try pissing with both your hands in
the air!

12/20/2012 12:51:55 PM

Why did Steve Irwin's brand of sunscreen have to be recalled?
It couldn't meet label claims that it 'blocks all harmful rays'.

12/20/2012 12:59:47 PM

Quote :

"I work for a Suicide Hotline. I tried to call in sick this morning but the bas- tards talked me out of it."

guy walks into a library and asks "do you have any books on suicide?"
librarian responds "Piss off, you won't bring it back!"

12/20/2012 1:01:15 PM

Two bums were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one bum said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other bum.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a $100 bill. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other bum said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first bum. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other bum said, "No, I never found her head."

12/20/2012 1:02:30 PM

How did Pinocchio catch himself on fire?

He learned how to masterbate.




What's green and smells like bacon?

Kermit's dick.



Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off a cliff?

You would too, if your name was "pfdgklefgolsjfejoeirjfffffff".

12/20/2012 1:31:40 PM

This girl is going to her senior prom and she promises her boyfriend they can use her dad's car.

"Dad, can I borrow the car tonight for the prom?"

"Sure, but you have to blow me first."

"I am you daughter, for God's sake! I am not doing that.”

"Suit yourself. I guess you don't get the car then."

It's getting around 4 o'clock and the daughter is getting desperate.

"Please, Daddy, can I borrow the car."

"Sure, you know what you have to do." he says as he starts to unzip.

"I told you, forget it".

Now its 7 o'clock and she really needs that car to pick up her boyfriend.

"Daddy, please?"

He looks at her, shrugs his shoulders and starts to walk away.

She says, "Oh, okay. I'll do it".

She starts to suck on his member but then she pulls away and spits.

"Jesus, this tastes like shit!"

"I know." He says, "You're brother borrowed the car this afternoon.”

[Edited on December 20, 2012 at 1:35 PM. Reason : a]

12/20/2012 1:33:44 PM

Two condoms walk by a gay bar
and one of them says to the other
"hey, want to go get shitfaced?"

12/20/2012 2:02:54 PM

One day God decided to make a compan-
ion for Adam. He summoned St Peter and
told him of his decision. He explained to St
Peter that he was going to make a human
being who was similar to man, yet was dif-
ferent and could offer him comfort, com-
panionship and pleasure. God said he
would call this new creation “woman”. So
God went about creating this being which
was similar to man yet was different in
ways that would be appealing and could
provide physical pleasure to man. When he
had finished creating this being that would
now be called woman he summoned St
Peter.
“Oh Lord, once again you have done a
cracking job,” said St Peter when he saw
the woman.
“Thank you, you are very kind,” replied
God, looking pleased with himself. “I am
now ready to provide the brain, nerve end-
ings and senses to this being, this woman. I
require your assistance on this matter, St
Peter. I am thinking of making her brain
slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more
feeling, more compassionate and more ad-
aptable than man’s.”
“Good idea again, Lord,” said St Peter.
“What about nerve endings? How many
should I put in her hands?”
“How many did you put in Adam?”
asked St Peter.
“Two hundred,” replied God.
“Then do the same for this woman,” said
St Peter.
“And how many nerve endings shall we
put in her feet?”
“How many did we put in Adam?”
“Seventy-five,” replied God. “These be-
ings are constantly on their feet so they be-
nefit from having fewer nerve endings
there, so I think I will do the same for
woman.”
“Nice one,” said St Peter.
“How many nerve endings should we put
in woman’s genitals?”
How many did you put in Adam?” asked
St Peter.
“Four hundred and twenty,” replied God.
“Of course, I wanted Adam to have a
means of receiving extra pleasure in his
life, didn’t I? Do you think I should do the
same for woman?”
“Again, good idea, Oh Lord,” said St
Peter.
“No, wait.” said God. “Fuck it. Let’s give
her ten thousand. I want her to scream out
my name.”

12/20/2012 7:36:12 PM

An American couple are on holiday trav-
elling through Wales. On their way they see
a
sign
for
a
place
called
Llanfair-
pwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob-
wllllantysiliogogogoch and decide to head
there for something to eat. As they make
their way there they debate the pronunci-
ation of the town’s name.
They stop for lunch and one tourist asks
the girl serving them “Before we order,
could you please settle an argument for
us?” The waitress nods.
“Would you please pronounce where we
are for us – very slowly?”
The waitress leans over the counter and
says, “Buurrrrgerrrrr Kinnnnggg.”

12/20/2012 8:40:21 PM

I dated a midget in college. I was nuts over her.

12/20/2012 8:43:42 PM

Quote :

"“Nice one,” said St Peter."

12/20/2012 8:45:17 PM

What’s blue and comes in pints?
A whale.

What do Tupperware and a walrus have
in common?
They both like a tight seal.

[Edited on December 21, 2012 at 12:20 AM. Reason : republicans]

12/21/2012 12:17:42 AM

What's blue and screws old people?

Hypothermia

12/21/2012 8:29:21 AM