Needs its own thread.

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/bad-joke-eel



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A snare drum and cymbal fall out of a tree

ba-dum ching!

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Why did Steve Irwin's brand of sunscreen have to be recalled?

It couldn't meet label claims that it 'blocks all harmful rays'.

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Swallowed some Scrabble tiles...

Next crap could spell disaster

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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

1/10/2013 10:27:01 AM

Quote :

"Swallowed some Scrabble tiles... Next crap could spell disaster"

Or shall we say...

next vowel movement?

1/10/2013 10:30:02 AM

Why can't you trust an atom?

Case1: "Because they make up everything."

Case2: "Because they split."

1/10/2013 10:30:11 AM

Mathematician kept two parrots. When one passed away, what did the other say?

Polygon

(note: I hear you can construct many of this variety)

1/10/2013 10:37:06 AM

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. Bartender say "Son, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line." Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

1/10/2013 1:35:08 PM

add to my topics

1/10/2013 1:40:11 PM

^^

Why did the hipster get burned?

He drank coffee before it was cool.

1/10/2013 2:35:30 PM

What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line

1/10/2013 5:16:40 PM

hilarious!

1/10/2013 7:46:45 PM

Quote :

"Why did Steve Irwin's brand of sunscreen have to be recalled? It couldn't meet label claims that it 'blocks all harmful rays'."

1/10/2013 7:48:06 PM

What shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.

1/15/2013 5:14:20 PM

Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first scientist tells the bartender "I'll take a glass of H20."
The second scientist says, "I'll take a glass of H20... too."

The bartender looks at them and says "Are you faggots talking about water?"

1/15/2013 6:20:34 PM

Two guys are sitting at a bar in New York City.

One asks the other, "So, what do you do in your spare time?"

The other man answers, "I keep bees. I'm a beekeeper."

"Oh, really? How many bees do you have?"

"Fifty thousand."

"Fifty thousand?! Don't you live in a tiny apartment?"

"Yeah."

"So where do you keep that many bees?"

"I keep them in a shoebox in my closet."

"You keep fifty thousand bees in a shoebox in your closet?"

The beekeeper shrugs. "Fuck 'em."

1/15/2013 8:35:30 PM

^ lmao

1/15/2013 8:46:02 PM

1/18/2013 6:10:28 AM

^^^^ that's not how that joke goes.

1/18/2013 6:11:40 AM

I mustache you a question, but I can shave it for later.

1/22/2013 3:56:59 PM

I don't get the bee one. Are they just all dead or something?

1/22/2013 5:35:33 PM

Quote :

" >I don't get the bee one >>moron "

1/22/2013 5:38:26 PM

I just now got the bee joke. Took some thought, but you'll feel stupid when you get it.

1/22/2013 9:22:25 PM

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but certainly not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Ultimate True Test

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.

1/23/2013 4:51:08 AM

Why didn't the skeletons go to the party?


They were Jewish skeletons

1/23/2013 5:31:07 AM

vinylbandits telling of the bee joke was not 100%

there is nothing to get with that joke.


if you "got it" you are trying to hard or lying.






there are several ways to to tell the bee joke, but it needs to end in "fuck em, theyre just bees"

1/23/2013 8:06:29 AM

Quote :

""Fuck 'em.""

lol reminds me of this joke. I die laughing every time. "Chalk up another save for the Eck!"

1/23/2013 11:23:19 AM

Go-to response for the car nuts on your Facebook:

3/8/2013 9:43:50 AM

3/10/2013 11:22:21 AM

5/7/2013 4:17:29 PM

calling fleetwud

[Edited on May 7, 2013 at 7:09 PM. Reason : .]

5/7/2013 7:09:38 PM

What do you call a fish with ten eyes?



fiiiiiiiiiish.

5/7/2013 8:01:47 PM

There aren't enough anti-jokes in here. I shall remedy this.

A Muslim man walks into a bomb shop. He immediately turns around, exits the bomb shop, and calls the police. Selling bombs openly is both extremely dangerous and illegal. The bomb shop owner is arrested and the Muslim man is celebrated in his community for his service to society.

What do you say to a woman with a two black eyes?
Tell her you are sorry for what happened to her and that you will get her help as soon as possible.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Chickens are incapable of making rational decisions and act primarily on instinct. It was most likely either in search of food or attempting to avoid a predator.

Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are concepts and not tangible things. Even if they were, it is unlikely that they would be intelligent enough to understand something such as fear.

5/7/2013 8:50:08 PM

Quote :

"Guy walks into a bar and half his head is an orange. Barman: What can i get.. holy shit half your head is an orange!! How did that happen?? Guy: Magic Lamp, rubbed it, three wishes etc etc. Barman: What in the bejesus were your three wishes, half your head is an orange. Guy: First Wish - I wished for every woman in the world to love me. Barman: Right, that iss ok. What was your second wish? Guy: Second Wish - I wished that I was a billionaire. Barman: What in the hell was your third wish half your head is a frickin orange? Guy: It was a silly wish. I dont wanna say: Barman: Go on tell me, I'll give you a drink. Guy: Ok well for my third wish I wished that half my head was an orange."

5/7/2013 8:53:15 PM

A string walks into a bar to order a drink, but the bartender says I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here.

String walks outside and sets down on a bench, messes his hair up and ties a knot in himself, then walks back into the bar.

The string sits down to order a drink and the bartender says hey aren't you a string?

He replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

5/7/2013 9:07:32 PM

what's red and bad for your teeth?






a brick

5/7/2013 10:05:53 PM

very true.

5/7/2013 10:06:19 PM

A company boss has to decide who to lay off. He decides on two low level management employees Jack or Karen.
He goes to Karen and says, "I will have to lay you or Jack off."

5/7/2013 10:48:26 PM

Knock knock

Who's there?

The police

The police who?

Ma'am, your son is dead.

5/7/2013 10:54:20 PM

So three bears go to the park and see a slide, and figure it would be a lot of fun.

The first bear climbs up the slide, slides down, and says "Weeeeeee!"

The second bear follows suit, climbing up the slide and sliding down, and says "Woooooo!"

The third bear joins in, climbing the ladder, sliding down the slide, and says "Where's my damn toaster?!"

5/7/2013 10:56:10 PM

how do you make a plumber cry?

murder his family

5/7/2013 11:00:11 PM

why can't hellen keller have kids?


because she's dead

5/7/2013 11:03:47 PM

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?




[Edited on May 7, 2013 at 11:04 PM. Reason : Nothing]

5/7/2013 11:04:25 PM

A seal walks into a club

5/7/2013 11:07:12 PM

two lions are walking through the desert. one looks sad, so his buddy turns to him and asks, "hey man, what's got you down?"

the other lion turns and replies, "fleas"

5/7/2013 11:13:46 PM

a magician was walking down the street, and then turned into a grocery store

5/7/2013 11:15:35 PM

did you hear that joke they don't tell idiots?

5/7/2013 11:16:46 PM

A doctor is delivering a baby. The baby is finally out of the womb as the doctor lets out a horrifying scream and hurls the baby at a wall. He then looks at the horrified parents, giggles, and says "Haha, just kidding. It was already dead."

[Edited on May 7, 2013 at 11:18 PM. Reason : /]

5/7/2013 11:17:28 PM

Where did Hitler hide his armies?

Up his sleevies.

5/7/2013 11:21:33 PM

If April showers bring may flowers, what do May flowers bring?




PILGRIMS

5/7/2013 11:25:41 PM

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fssh.




What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idear.


What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?

Still no idear.


What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs, or penis?

Still no effing idear.

5/7/2013 11:39:44 PM

5/9/2013 11:09:05 AM

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?" "My dad just died."

5/9/2013 11:21:05 AM