Me and my girlfriend are planning to move in together in a couple of months; we've been dating around 1.5 years. We haven't hashed out the details yet, but she will probably move into my place until we find something a little bigger and better. I have not lived with a S.O. before.

We are very similar in terms of cleanliness. She typically comes over for 2-3 days around the weekend and we never get "annoyed" at being around each other. We are pretty risk averse, but I think we both feel that this is a good decision.

For those of you that have lived with an S.O., are there any general tips, considerations, or cautionary tales you can offer?

5/3/2013 11:08:15 AM

Never lived with a female, but FWIW couples that cohabitate before marriage have higher divorce rates.

5/3/2013 11:45:04 AM

^

5/3/2013 11:49:19 AM

Quote :

"Never lived with a female, but FWIW couples that cohabitate before marriage have higher divorce rates."

I think it's been proven that this statistic is flawed in the sense that there are a tons of poor people that live together that have skewed the results. Those people had bad prospects for married life regardless of whether or not they were going to move in prior to the date or marriage.

Regardless...

Don't move in with someone unless you have plans for marriage. My current fiancee and I got engaged before she moved in (only way I could get her to move in). But if you aren't 100% into the future of the relationship, there's a great chance that will end badly and you'll be stuck living with someone that you really want out of the house. Bad situation to be in.

Plan on having her re-decorate a good bit. It didn't bother me, as I'm not a big decorator. I think its good advice for a relationship in general...but just learn to pick your battles. Give her tons of little victories, but stand you ground for shit you think is important. It sounds bad, but I pay the lion's share of the mortgage, so I do feel like I get the say-so for stuff that I feel is very important (more along the lines of, "I have to pay for this, so I have the final say). I don't state it in those terms, but she is aware. We agree on pretty much everything, so it rarely ever comes to that.

Make sure you chip in on the cleaning. When she starts in on her big time cleaning projects, I make sure that I pick a room or two so that she doesn't feel like she's doing it all herself. I'm always surprised at how happy she is that I do that.

I think that's about it.

[Edited on May 3, 2013 at 11:54 AM. Reason : .]

5/3/2013 11:53:28 AM

Quote :

"Don't move in with someone unless you have plans for marriage."

What about people who plan to never marry?

5/3/2013 11:55:41 AM

Visiting on the weekend is not the same. You are going to go through a couple phases
1) yay! We live with each now. A lot of sex!
2) Her little difference are going to start to annoy you, but you don't say anything. A little less sex is happening now but still getting it enough.
3) you've finally had enough of her shit so you speak up about the shit that annoys you. The well is starting to run dry.
4) You're not getting laid anymore and you honestly don't give a shit. You'd rather sneak around figuring out how to masturbate without getting caught.

But serious, if you are going to take your relationship to the next step. It takes a lot of work. I'm glad my wife and I lived with each other before marriage.

5/3/2013 11:55:57 AM

Quote :

"What about people who plan to never marry?"

Obviously that's a different ball game.

5/3/2013 11:57:55 AM

Approach this the same way you would with a new roommate, except you have the added complication of sleeping with them.

My experience- friend for 1 year, roommate for 6 months, then partner with my dude for the last 5+ years. Not married, no kids, live in a single-family house.

1) Money- have an honest discussion about who will pay for what- bills, expenses, rent. Don't plan on splitting everything evenly unless you make roughly the same amount in income, because this will just cause unnecessary stress in the relationship. I've seen too many relationships tank over someone spending their extra money on fun things, and the other struggles to barely pay the bills.

2) Chores- also have an honest discussion on who cleans what. People aren't going to significantly change- if she's a slob expect to clean more. Chore wheels can help with this.

3) Social time- establishing 'me' time, 'our time', and 'friend time' helps avoid a lot of squabbles. Nothing sucks more than a clingy boyfriend/girlfriend. You will get sick of each other at some point, so you need to keep your interests and friendships up.

4) Sex- most likely will decrease after awhile, due to familiarity and availability. Schedule that junk in.

5/3/2013 12:02:21 PM

she will get wasted one weekend and think you will never propose to her because she has already moved in with you

5/3/2013 12:03:03 PM

The most important thing is scheduling / routines (even things like sex) - and sticking to it.

5/3/2013 12:10:46 PM

Quote :

"Never lived with a female, but FWIW couples that cohabitate before marriage have higher divorce rates"

That's retarded. Maybe that's the case in India but I would never consider engagement prior to co-habituating.

It's been a long time since this was the case for me and our relationship didn't last a year after getting our own place, but one of the biggest contributions to the downfall was the fact that we worked together and neither of us had even a little space that was just for me or just for her in the apartment. Also I totally got screwed over when she moved out because even though her name was on the lease with mine, it was my obligation to still pay full rent and then try to sue her after. It was so easy for her to keep dodging the summons that I had to drop the case or hire Gene Parmesan, and I couldn't afford Gene. Also BEAVERCHEESE was actually pretty spot on IMO.

5/3/2013 12:51:58 PM

Jesus people, they don't have kids. They don't have to schedule sex or recreation. That shit just happens all the time. If it doesn't, I'd wager you've found the incorrect partner.

Agreed on the money though. Portion out who pays for what and everything else is easy.

[Edited on May 3, 2013 at 1:00 PM. Reason : .]

5/3/2013 12:52:36 PM

from my experience, the biggest thing that helped was sitting down and discussing finances. neither of us had hid or misrepresented anything, but we had never had the full conversation before. we went over how much we both made, what our bills and expenses were, what our debts were, and what savings/investment goals were. we ended up getting married and it helped that we had already had that conversation anyways.

protecting individual time was important for us, we talked about how much alone time we needed or how much time we wanted to be able to spend out with friends apart, stuff like that. I can't remember what we said, but only rarely went out with friends apart from each other, but we do spend time at home apart working on different things. if one of us has a big meeting or wants to catch up on sleep, one of us will sleep in the guest room and that was something we talked about. its obviously not for every couple, but it works really well for us. sometimes a night apart to stretch out and sleep helps us keep things fresh, but we decided from the beginning that we will never do this if we are fighting or in an argument.

5/3/2013 12:58:37 PM

5/3/2013 5:01:01 PM

Quote :

"That's retarded. Maybe that's the case in India but I would never consider engagement prior to co-habituating."

Indians [living in India] don't co-habitate before marriage.

5/3/2013 7:20:15 PM

That's the point.

Thanks for advice so far.

5/3/2013 7:41:18 PM

I haven't talked to my gf about any of those things. We split bills right down the middle (except the MLB package that I added) but she makes more than me so maybe that's why it's not important to us. We had been together a little over a year, and we've been living together for just over 4 months with no problem. At the same time, I work during the day, she works at night so maybe that saves us a little. If I came home to her every day just sitting around together I could see that getting annoying. So I'd say if you don't have some hobby by yourself or she doesn't, might want to pick something up.

5/3/2013 8:33:03 PM

I dated my wife for four years, with the third year split between Raleigh and Charlotte before having her move in and eventually proposing/marrying. Everything jbrick and Beavercheese said +1. Honestly I believe cohabitation before marriage is better as you'd find out major dealbreakers before taking the plunge. My exgf turned into a complete slob a few months after moving into our apt and lazy as hell when someone else was paying the bills.

5/3/2013 9:35:50 PM

Always have an out!

5/3/2013 9:42:42 PM

Can you elaborate?

5/3/2013 9:47:56 PM

I advise you to read the other multipage threads dedicated to this topic. Lots of good advice.

I did it, it was fine until the relationship tanked.

5/3/2013 11:45:05 PM

Quote :

"For those of you that have lived with an S.O., are there any general tips, considerations, or cautionary tales you can offer?"

Because we started dating in college, we sort of had trial runs. We roomed together during a summer session, then for a full semester, then got an apartment together, so with the first times we were living together there was a scheduled end date so to speak, when we'd have to move out/switch dorms/etc.

I think we had conversations about chores, dividing them up fairly evenly, gravitating towards the ones we preferred, like I'm almost always the one taking out the trash, he's almost always the one doing the dishes, and so forth.

We had our own bank accounts, and eventually set up a joint one, that will likely eventually become our only one, it's been moving that direction for a while. But in college we were both living on your typical college student budget, and now we've both finished grad school and got jobs, and we've managed to maintain roughly even incomes the whole time which simplifies things.

I don't think you have to create a detailed mastered plan for living together, but a few upfront discussions about upkeep and finances couldn't hurt when you're moving in together for the first time.

5/4/2013 12:04:04 AM

I was just saying, living with one another != Full commitment. That's what marriage is for. So make sure she can't screw you over financially or any other way. You're a smart guy, I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, however, in the general discussion of things don't allow yourself to get too comfortable and complacent that you don't have a backup plan if the relationship crashes.

5/4/2013 1:23:34 AM

I've been living with my GF for almost 3 years now...

I think I've lucked out since she likes doing most of the chores, but I make sure I strategically do nice things like the dishes, take the dog out when its raining, moving heavy shit, when I know she'll notice.

We also have separate bedrooms and bathrooms, but only sleep in one bed. This helps a lot because we both have a physical boundary for our personal stuff.

My advice: don't assume anything. It's easy to assign emotion or intention to something that the other didn't mean to do. Also, learn how to strategically avoid or surrender to arguments, this will save time and headaches. Start putting the toilet seat down.

5/4/2013 7:41:20 AM

i'm also squarely in the camp who thinks it's a better idea to refrain from living together until you're engaged (or, rather, until you know that you're going to propose or get married someday)

blah blah blah marriage is dumb blah blah blah i'm never getting married blah blah blah

now that that's out of the way, it's my opinion (which means nothing, i'm aware) that despite the fact that we're all super mature, have the wisdom of 5 lifetimes, make only the most excellent life choices, and never remain in relationships that aren't perfect in every way, there is something more emotionally and psychologically binding about the commitment of marriage that (again, in my opinion) makes people more willing/able (consciously or unconsciously) to work out problems that do/will arise from or during cohabitation

and no, i'm not saying that for any moral or religious standpoint regarding marriage...it's just that *i* place a high value on that commitment...and it provides me with sense of stability that i cherish and find comforting...and just in case it isn't clear, i'm OBVIOUSLY saying that anyone who isn't married is only half a person and should be spurned by society as unlovable

my wife wanted to move in with me (i had a house i had bought before we met) before i proposed...she didn't know i was planning to propose when i did, so i agreed

i love having a roommate i get to sleep with every night

Quote :

"My advice: don't assume anything. It's easy to assign emotion or intention to something that the other didn't mean to do. Also, learn how to strategically avoid or surrender to arguments, this will save time and headaches. Start putting the toilet seat down."

this

[Edited on May 4, 2013 at 12:39 PM. Reason : that]

5/4/2013 12:39:11 PM

Wanted to add this important nugget:

Don't try and do her laundry.

I've been doing very simple laundry for years...aka...no separating whites and colors, just throw everything in there at the same time. Its easy for guys...we don't have "delicates" and the only white shirts I ever had were under-shirts that I didn't care if they faded.

All together, I've probably ruined several hundred dollars worth of my fiancee's clothes. It starts off as me doing a favor (her laundry)...because I don't have 10 pairs of jeans so I do laundry more frequently then her. We've tried different things: Different bins for "important" clothes...but then her important clothes NEVER get washed. Then she would put clothespins on her clothes that couldn't be dried...well once a clothespin fell off and once I was drunk and missed one of the clothespin items.

So basically, I just do my own laundry. I'll throw in some of her clothes if I'm 100% sure I'm not going to fuck it up...but mostly I just stick to my own shit. You would think it wouldn't be that difficult, but it is.

So be careful with laundry...

5/4/2013 1:04:37 PM

^ I can only legally wash towels and my own clothes.

5/4/2013 1:08:01 PM

^^ i concur.

I do mine and the wifes laundry. I usually separate colors, but it seems like 50%
of her clothes cant be washed, cant be dried, or both.

I, too, have ruined probably $500-$1000 worth of clothes. Very steep learning curve, and it has still not been fully mastered

5/4/2013 3:15:25 PM

3^

That issue has led to several arguments. Basically I only wash her jeans and cotton shirts. Everything else gets put aside

Also if there is anything that her mother does that annoys you. Be prepared, she's going to do the exact same shit

5/4/2013 3:54:42 PM

the obvious solution is to make her do the laundry

5/4/2013 3:58:30 PM

We each do our own laundry, and have done so for two years now: works out great

keep a little personal space for yourselves, talk about things when you need to (chores, money, etc) and it will be fine

overall, I don't think it's important to have a guarantee of marriage or engagement before moving in together

we probably wouldn't have bothered getting married (not religious at all) aside from legal rights issues, and I still would've been fine living together as an unmarried couple

Quote :

"...there is something more emotionally and psychologically binding about the commitment of marriage that (again, in my opinion) makes people more willing/able (consciously or unconsciously) to work out problems that do/will arise from or during cohabitation"

I disagree completely: your willingness to work things out is based on whether you love the person and want to be with them, not about if you want to marry them. If you're actually in love, you're not going to flip out about that person not washing the dishes and leave them. This has absolutely nothing to do with being married.

[Edited on May 4, 2013 at 4:10 PM. Reason : obviously, this is my opinion]

5/4/2013 4:08:47 PM

Ladies and Gentleman, Hell has officially frozen over: StillFuschia posted something I actually didn't roll my eyes at

5/4/2013 4:24:53 PM

Simple yet effective things:
- In general, have one person be the primary for a given responsibility, with the other being involved in key decisions. Splitting the responsibility "evenly" can be troublesome ... makes it difficult to act quickly when needed.
- Live together before marriage, preferably after engaged. Our engagement was 1.5 years before we had the wedding. Nobody thought anything weird of it.
- For Finances, pool everything together no matter the amount of income each person has. For us, each person gets a monthly allowance of the _SAME_ amount into a separate account the other can't say anything over.
- Do separate laundry.
- Let one person do the bulk of the food shopping. Not having crap in the fridge when it was the "other person's" job to restock is going to irk both of you.
- Establish cleanliness and chores upfront. Some people are superclean and want it done daily, some weekly, other monthly, etc.
- In general for a relationship, whether work or SO, let a lot of stuff slide. Choose your battles / where you won't budge wisely ... otherwise you'll end up with a lot of arguing on your hand.



Good luck / have fun.

5/4/2013 5:59:23 PM

Moving in with a significant other can only lead to disaster

5/4/2013 7:18:41 PM

make a RACI matrix

bitches love RACI matrices!

5/4/2013 7:23:08 PM

Honestly it becomes a lot harder to have other girls over because youre always concerned she might come home.

If the girl you are seeing is single you can go to her place but if shes married or dating too it just adds too many variables. And as you get older the single girl pool shrinks significantly. Living on your own ftw.

5/4/2013 7:48:11 PM

Quote :

" she will get wasted one weekend and think you will never propose to her because she has already moved in with you"

Whoopsies


Been living together for 2.5 years. I do all the laundry and we have separate bank accounts. Basically, just find out what works for you and her. But don't leave chapstick in your pocket. She'll rage out on you if she does your laundry. Also, my boyfriend recently cleaned the carpet and bathroom while I was out of town. This gesture made me really happy and question if he was cheating on me, so be careful with how much you do.

5/4/2013 8:51:25 PM

Quote :

"Ladies and Gentleman, Hell has officially frozen over: StillFuschia posted something I actually didn't roll my eyes at"

congrats on pigeonholing me after one thread

also, nobody cares

[Edited on May 4, 2013 at 11:45 PM. Reason : including me!]

5/4/2013 11:44:24 PM

I say do it. YOLO

5/5/2013 12:20:52 AM

You
Oughta
Look
Out

5/5/2013 1:46:34 AM

Great responses:

Quote :

"Don't try and do her laundry."

Quote :

"1) Money- have an honest discussion about who will pay for what- bills, expenses, rent. Don't plan on splitting everything evenly unless you make roughly the same amount in income, because this will just cause unnecessary stress in the relationship. I've seen too many relationships tank over someone spending their extra money on fun things, and the other struggles to barely pay the bills. 2) Chores- also have an honest discussion on who cleans what. People aren't going to significantly change- if she's a slob expect to clean more. Chore wheels can help with this. 3) Social time- establishing 'me' time, 'our time', and 'friend time' helps avoid a lot of squabbles. Nothing sucks more than a clingy boyfriend/girlfriend. You will get sick of each other at some point, so you need to keep your interests and friendships up."

Quote :

"Don't try and do her laundry."

Quote :

"We also have separate bedrooms and bathrooms, but only sleep in one bed. This helps a lot because we both have a physical boundary for our personal stuff."

Quote :

"Don't try and do her laundry."

Quote :

"keep a little personal space for yourselves, talk about things when you need to (chores, money, etc) and it will be fine"

Quote :

"Don't try and do her laundry."

5/5/2013 11:03:22 AM

Chicks love it when you do their laundry. It shows you care.

5/5/2013 11:13:03 AM

Quote :

"Also, my boyfriend recently cleaned the carpet and bathroom while I was out of town. This gesture made me really happy and question if he was cheating on me, so be careful with how much you do."

this just proves that all women are crazy in some way

5/5/2013 4:52:08 PM

no proof necessary buddy, we're all looney tunes and that's a FACT.

some of us just control it better than others

5/5/2013 9:57:15 PM

When my wife moved in she was technically renting the downstairs bedroom, she moved all of her shit in and set it up in that room like she had it in her last place, and never slept in there, never, not once.

5/5/2013 10:04:50 PM

Thats actually pretty legit. If a dude cleans his room hes probably cheating

5/5/2013 11:38:42 PM

Don't forget to have fun and be hilarious!

5/6/2013 2:03:18 AM

Lots of whose GF's are waiting for a proposal ITT

Quote :

"I've been living with my GF for almost 3 years now..."

Quote :

"Been living together for 2.5 years."

Quote :

"My experience- friend for 1 year, roommate for 6 months, then partner with my dude for the last 5+ years."

Quote :

"We had been together a little over a year, and we've been living together for just over 4 months"

5/6/2013 5:10:21 AM

lots of dudes who know better than buy the cow when the milk is free itt

5/6/2013 7:39:07 AM

Lived with my fiancee just under a year before we got married, and I think it was a good decision. Seems like one of the biggest changes in being married is actually living together, so working on that before actually getting married can help that burden of the "1st year of marriage is the hardest."

But some general rules of thumb I've noticed:

1. If she is moving into your place, then give her some freedom to make it her own. Look at it as "nesting". She needs to feel like it's no longer her just visiting or staying in your house, but she has to view it as her home too. It can be a bit at times, esp when they have rather large DIY or decorating changes they want to make, but be encouraging because she'll be happier if she feels more comfortable at home.

2. You don't know how to do laundry and you don't know how to clean. You might think you do, but you don't, so just go ahead and accept this fact right now. As everyone said, focus on your own laundry, and if you do try to do some of her laundry and have a question, ASK before you mess something up. I'd rather mess up 10 of my shirts than 1 of her's. Also establish expectations with laundry, if you're sharing duties, don't just neglect her laundry, she'll think you don't care about her stuff. She asks you to clean the kitchen? Clean it how you normally would, then go back and clean it again and be prepared for her to find something you missed. This could just be a special case with me and my wife noticing a lot more stuff than I do, but I learned my old way of cleaning wasn't up to par, thus she gives me the less important cleaning chores, haha, like vacuuming and sweeping.

3. Look to settle into a routine, but try and keep some spontaneity in your relationship. Surprise her with things, do things without being asked, make romantic gestures, still plan dates, etc. Sometimes the idea of "routine sex" or "scheduled sex" can be sad, at least to me. I prefer the random passionate sex versus the "tomorrow night after work let's block off time for sex." It's really easy to get too comfortable and become more passive when it comes to sex, esp as your personal/professional lives become more active.

I'm sure there are more I could rattle off, but I imagine each relationship/situation is quite different. Ex: right now(married < 2 months) we're both having to be better influences on each other as far as dieting and working out goes. I was use to eating really small dinners as I was cooking for one for a long time and it just seemed like a lot of work, now she likes better home-cooked meals at night where we sit down and eat together, so I have to adjust my daily diet to handle the increased evening meals. Just little things like that can take some adjustments.

5/6/2013 7:57:55 AM