Help fellow parents! I am not a real mom but I am a stepmom to a very spoiled only child 8 yr old. He has everything he could ever want as his mother flowers him with gifts on the regular (you survived a week with daddy! Here's a new Nintendo ds!!!). While the bf is working I take over parenting duties and not having the experience I often wonder if tHere are better ways to handle situations.

Nothing quite makes my blood boil like when His cousin is over for a sleepover and they keep arguing and I discover the root of the problem is the spoiled only child saying he doesn't want his cousin to play with any of his toys. How does one handle this attitude without screaming and threatening to take everything away?


Also, what are some good recommendations to get that kid off electronics and interested in other things besides saying "you get an hr of electronics, the rest of the day you need to find stuff to do" he does have a gazillion toys

Let me tell you, it's hard being the "parent" who isn't the parent trying to make a decent human being without being the evil stepmom. Mad respect yo.

5/27/2013 1:13:02 PM

I am in a similar situation, except mine is a step daughter who very spoiled. She sees her dad twice a year and his family about the same. Her dad is a rehab failure alcoholic who routinely loses his ability to see her more because he gets in trouble with the Navy because of his drinking. The sad part is she doesn't understand any of this and still cries if you threaten to tell her dad that she is acting up. Your dad is a piece of crap who puts booze above you. I will never tell her that, I'll leave that for mom.

unfortunately you should probably take the road least traveled and take his toys away. If he doesnt know how to act around other kids and doesnt know what it is like to be punished for his behavior then he will never learn.

We have to do that with ours, she has a kindle fire and is always on it. Both her mom and I tell her she gets 1 hr of games and then she has to read for the rest. Anytime she gets in trouble at school, catches an attitude, says something disrespectful, or lies she loses her kindle for a day or so.

A lot of this can be easier if you get support from your BF. Trying to do it all on your own with no support will get you nowhere if he just comes behind you and cancels everything you say.

Good luck in your endeavor as I know how hard it can be. I would say all kids are spoiled these days as I grew up playing outside and not behind a screen.

5/27/2013 1:56:16 PM

We have a kid of our own on the way. I can't wait for the "you treat him/her better than me" talk.

5/27/2013 1:58:38 PM

Since you aren't really their mom or even step mom yet, you only have so much power in the situation. If the lessons that you teach are not enforced by the main caretakers, you can only expect to get so far.

But find out why he doesn't want to share. It could be that his friend is rough with his toys and it is his favorite toy. The solution may be to just put away things that are special to him before company comes over to play. Beyond that, discuss sharing and turn taking. If he is unwilling to share with his friends, he cannot expect them to want to come over to play or share their toys with him. 8 years old is old enough to understand that. You might have to help them negotiate turn taking using a timer or after each round etc. Lastly, if it devolves into squabbling and they cannot work it out, I usually just confiscate the item. I tell Silas (5) and Alex (9) that if they cannot work out turns with the iPad then the iPad just disappears for both of them and if it's been especially bad then Silas won't even get it back after Alex goes home.

If you want to limit the child's screen time, then you need to limit your own screen time and start playing with him. I think that we default to the tv and the computer because it's easier than choosing one thing to do out of everything that we have to do. My son will just sit and watch TV for hours at the time. I could just cut the tv off and tell him to do something else, but that usually just ends up with him roaming around like he's lost or him running wild and getting in trouble. But if I cut the TV off and tell him to come play with me, I have better results. I've found that if I take a few minutes out to get him started that I don't have to keep playing with him. It's like he just needs a little help narrowing down something to do and then he's good to go.

5/27/2013 2:31:58 PM

Yeah, you're kind of fucked here. You have some authority over the child, but not the kind of authority you need. And if you go actually parenting your boyfriend's little brat, he's liable to get pissed. If changes are going to happen, they're probably gonna have to originate in the parent, rather than the babysitter.

My friend has the same problem with his girlfriend, by the way. But in his case the spoiled creature isn't a child: it's just a dog. He's tried to get his gf to discipline the little bitch, but to no avail. So he just comforts himself with the fact that the dog's going to die within a few years.

Now, naturally your bf's 8-year-old monster ain't gonna die any time soon: unless you do something about it. So have you considered infecting the little bastard with AIDS? That way, he'll be dead within a few years, and he won't permanently intrude on you guys' relationship. Also, the knowledge that he's never going to see 20 might shape him up a bit in the meantime. You might put an ad on craiglist; I'm sure AIDS-infested people are generally hard up for cash, and would be happy to sell you a needleful of their blood for a totally reasonable price.

5/27/2013 4:23:24 PM

Alex is my brother's 9 year old almost step child. My brother's girlfriend is a great mother and very strict with her son. Most of the time he is a great kid and my brother doesn't mind dealing with him. The problem that he has run into with his almost step-son is that Alex thinks that Chuck is his friend. That's great until Alex steps out of line and my brother has to lay the smack down. Sometimes Alex doesn't take him seriously and keeps pushing, or he gets his britches all in a wad and gets upset because my brother is supposed to be his friend and on his side. It's always a different dynamic when you're trying to discipline someone else's child.

5/27/2013 4:45:55 PM

The only one who can give you the required authority is your boyfriend. He has to make it clear, in front of the child, that you have whatever authority is necessary to enforce rules and procedures. He also has to be completely on board with everything. For example, if you discipline the child in front of him and he supports it fully, then the child will know that you two are the same.

Once that happens, you can parent in the same way that he can. The key to children is the same thing as with pets - consistency. Even though the kid may be very spoiled, all children and pets understand repeated cause and effect. If you respond to the same behaviors with the same consequence, in a relatively short period of time the child will realize how not to act in his father's house. So just say what your consequence will be for actions, and then do it. The real issue with almost all misbehaving children and pets is inconsistent parenting.

With an 8 year old, rationality in your decisions doesn't matter. While it is helpful, you don't need to couch your decisions in logic or reason to a child. Their brains are not even capable at that stage of behaving in logical and rational ways. I understand the above comments about setting a good example in terms of electronics and tv, but it's not necessary. Think of it like this - an unruly child will throw their toys and pitch a fit when someone is listening, but they won't stick their hand in a fire repeatedly. If you are so consistent in your responses that things seem like automatic cause and effect, the boy will have no choice but to respect your instructions.

[Edited on May 27, 2013 at 7:56 PM. Reason : dsf]

5/27/2013 7:51:14 PM

Quote :

" I am not a real mom but I am a stepmom"

no you aren't. I'm not pointing this out to be mean, but you need to realize this. You shouldn't try to be a parent (or step-parent) at this point. You are an adult in a child's life, yes, and he should respect you, but don't overstep your bounds.

5/27/2013 7:55:50 PM

Quote :

" How does one handle this attitude without screaming and threatening to take everything away?"

The second that you start screaming and threatening to take everything away is the second that you just lose in just about any situation.

While I don't agree 100%, ^^ isn't necessarily on the wrong track when it comes to comparing children with dogs. One of the best moms that I know is a certified dog trainer. So yeah, don't turn into a crazy screamy bitch. Try to channel Caesar Milan's calm assertive demeanor.

But if you're going to have this kid around a lot during the summer, you need to start planning things to keep him busy or you're going to lose your foolish ass mind. It doesn't matter how amazing a kid is, they need to be kept busy to keep them out of trouble.

5/27/2013 8:23:21 PM

She may not be the parent, but her boyfriend is leaving her in charge when he leaves for the day.

Whatever you do you definitely have to work the game plan up with dad and he has to fully respect and support you or the kid will have a hard time getting on board.

My kids (I'm a nanny) don't get any screen time between breakfast and dinner. The mom and I do have a little reward system where they can earn a movie during dinner or 15 to 30 minutes of iPad time. You will definitely need to steer the kid towards the less lazy activities and it will be hard at first but eventually they will get used to it. Leaving the house is the easiest way to do it. Parks, museums, nature walks, scavenger hunts...figure out his interests and go from there. For avid video game players I find that making your trip into a game with a point system almost always boosts their mood. For the sharing issue if you don't want to take the item away have an activity ready for when the arguing starts. Bake cookies, read a book, play a board game, whatever. There will ALWAYS be squabbles over toys, no matter what age and how spoiled they are. Redirect their attention.

Yes, dog training skills translate very easily to kid training.


and OMG yes, like what was said above be fucking consistent.

[Edited on May 27, 2013 at 9:14 PM. Reason : .]

5/27/2013 9:10:12 PM

I've been dating the bf for five yrs so most of his life. His dad has a demanding job suddenly that has left me in charge while he works. So it's a more hands on role than I typically have had in the past.

I had a terrible evil stepmother growing up who would scream and lose her shit at us consistently. So I'm trying to not be that girl. I made him answer me why he didn't want to share and he said because he didn't want his cousin to break anything. Though he never has. The bf supports me and backs up what rules I set though he's more lax in general. I guess I need to decide the rules and consequences for actions and stick with them. Even though I feel like we have to reteach all the rules all over again once he comes back from moms.

It's a start!

5/27/2013 10:41:43 PM

I was only at my dad's house every other weekend. The kid will get used to it and remember the rules. You will most definitely have times where he tells you how much better it is at mom's house or how he'd rather be there and he will tell you that you aren't his real mom. It happens. Breathe deep and get over it.

5/28/2013 8:28:45 AM

Yeah, I know I'm not his real mom.

Ok, this is one I forgot to mention but is huge and ticks me off as well. How do you guys handle talking back? This kid is the worst! We would've been smacked in the face if we even thought about talking like that to our parents, but since I can't rightly beat his ass, how do you combat his incessant need for the last word? I usually say "enough"

5/28/2013 1:12:40 PM

As long as the last word isn't a bad word or actual arguing then let him have it. Otherwise you are actually both fighting for the last word. And you are arguing with an 8 year old.

5/28/2013 2:20:03 PM

Yeah but I'm the adult! So there! Lol

5/28/2013 3:02:21 PM

I got tired of being asked why today and I totally told the kid because I'm the adult, that's why.

5/28/2013 7:06:28 PM

Haha. I have used that line before. Stop questioning my authority!


However, today has been a total success! He continues to talk back but I just quit responding to it and I am much happier, I have to admit. I've also told the bf we need to make some rules and agree to them and the consequences. Hooray! Little man was more pleasant to be around because I was better prepared.

5/28/2013 9:35:14 PM

Congrats!

5/28/2013 10:19:30 PM

Question!


I don't want to overreact if this is not necessary. I feel like sometimes I find things unacceptable because of the circumstances, he's very spoiled and his mother still sleeps in bed with him and wipes his ass. Literally. He's 8. So we try to make him independent here and he knows what we expect, brush your teeth, make your bed, clean up after yourself, get your drink, stuff to promote independence.

I'm doing laundry and I discover that this kid must have gone to the bathroom and not wiped at all because there is shit soaked all the way through to the outside of his shorts. The first thing I did was check the couch, his bed, and my brand new fucking car.

We are relentlessly on him to make sure all is clear before he pulls up his pants, he knows what we expect. This is unsanitary and gross. Unacceptable. Given the circumstances, however, is it ok for an 8yr old to be shitting his pants? How would you handle the situation and would you punish, if so, how? This kid does know better.

Maybe I'm overreacting because he isn't mine and his lazy attitude reminds me of his stupid ass mother, that's why I'm begging for a fresh perspective. Haaaaaalp. (Ps. Is this shit easier and/or different when its your own blood, do instincts kick in or something? Lol Jesus h)

5/29/2013 12:41:08 PM

I still shit my pants on occasion, and I'm 34. Don't judge

5/29/2013 12:51:20 PM

Haha I was going to out that in my post, something like or should I just chill because even some grown ass adults shirt their pants....lulz

5/29/2013 12:52:54 PM

But his mom wiping his ass is an issue......a serious issue....his pops needs to put a stop to that with a quickness.

5/29/2013 12:55:47 PM

Yeah, she's fucking crazy. Waits on. him hand and foot, the house she lives in, that's paid for, has one bedroom, so they sleep together. And she lets him piss in the bed still and thinks its ok. He has no chores. But he gets everything he asks for. We suspect she has manchausen disease. They recently went to mediation to work out a new parenting plan where he got more time with him, part of the agreement was that they all go see a psychiatrist individually to make sure everything is ok. She still hasn't gone soooooo she's going to be served with week with contempt of court if she doesn't go in 30 days.

She also sued him for back child support. Didn't show up, nor her lawyer, that day in court and it was discovered he is actually prepaid $2400. Wasting everyone's fucking time and making her look like a stupid bitch. But it's in record she was wrong in case we need to use it for the future because if there's one thing we all know, the court system leans heavily on the mothers side of things.

I could go in, but you get the idea...

[Edited on May 29, 2013 at 1:04 PM. Reason : So much punctuation lok]

5/29/2013 1:03:29 PM

All of the stuff you list is one reason people should not have kids unless they are in a stable relationship for a while. Reading stuff like this is disgusting when I think about the treatment this kid is getting from both sides. The mother is doing stuff that is terrible for the son, you guys are getting frustrated partially for what the kid is doing and partially because you are frustrated with how he's being raised by someone else.

I honestly don't think you should be parenting the kid at all until you're an actual step-mom and not the live-in girlfriend. Kids are more perceptive than people give them credit for in this thread, particularly when it comes to relationships and manipulation. If you're essentially day care, then you need run it like you are a day care/baby sitter. You handle any immediate issues when they happen as if you are the day care/baby sitter and you provide a report to the actual parent at the end of the day. Then that person is free to take whatever actions they deem necessary to correct the problems.

All in all, this is a sucky situation for everyone. Best of luck figuring it out.

5/29/2013 1:19:33 PM

I do try to let the father handle it, I much prefer it that way. My evil ex stepmother would give a false report to my father right as he walked in the door so she could stay in his good graces and watch me get my ass beat. I don't want the kid to feel like I tattling because i can't handle it myself. Then I'll lose any respect and any authority.

We try verrrrrrrrrrry hard not to put our frustrations on the mother onto the kid. We realize it is not fair to him but it is hard, I'm being honest. I have to mentally checklist myself to make sure I'm being fair to him and treating him as an individual 8yr old. Which is why I thought this thread might offer some good advice.

I have known the kid most of his life, he even mentioned yesterday that he feels we ARE related because I've been in his life as far back as he can remember. His father says he's very concerned when I'm at work and constantly check on me to make sure I'm ok. He have a good open line of communication and I do try to make things fun and pleasant for him. Where I struggle is the guidance to make him independent particularly referring to consequences and such.


It is a terrible situation for the kid to go through, being a child of divorce myself, it sucks. I just want to make sure he grows up to be a decent individual without these parenting fail handicaps.

5/29/2013 1:28:38 PM

Bottom line, he needs to man up. It's not your fight to fight.

5/29/2013 1:36:43 PM

The kid should be doing his own wiping at this point, but don't expect him to do a consistently great job and accidents happen. Even wetting the bed, but if it happens regularly at that age (assuming he's healthy) then it is often related to anxiety and stress.

5/29/2013 2:17:02 PM

I THINK we have the wetting bed thing solved but its only been a few months of dryness AND we don't know what happens over at his mothers. They have secrets now they're not allowed to discuss with us. and supposedly as of this week she sleeps on the couch and he gets the only bedroom in the house. But neither one of them can be trusted.

We simply fixed it by stopping drinks an hr before bed and making sure he uses the bathroom right before he lays down to sleep.

Thanks for all the advice though! It's helped.

5/29/2013 6:19:22 PM

I am in this situation basically except I started when he was 3 which makes a HUGE difference I think. I let her handle a lot of the situations but over time I have asserted myself more and more.

Usually when something comes up afterwards I just mention to her how I would have handled it and kinda see how she feels. Sometimes she says that is overreacting and sometimes she agrees so I just kinda get my ground rules from her. A lot of the time, especially in the beginning, she was less harsh on him just because she was worried I would think she was overly strict or a bad mom. Once she realized that I was fine with X punishment for X behavior she has also agreed with a lot of those things and we have implemented them together.

The most important thing is communication. You cant necessarily control what he does at the other parents house and that is really on your BF to work out with her. However, as others have stated the worst thing that can happen is you punish him and then he comes in behind you and overrides it. As soon as that starts to happen the kid knows you have no power and wont listen anymore. Even if he doesn't agree he should back you up on any punishment decisions you make and just let you know privately that next time he would rather you do this or that.

I was the least likely person to be dealing with kids not too long ago and I am making it through successfully so don't worry it can be done!

5/30/2013 5:20:11 PM

Quote :

" How does one handle this attitude without screaming and threatening to take everything away?"

i have a 7 year old and i believe threatening is one of the biggest mistakes parents make. if the child does something wrong, punish them with no warning. you will actually punish them less often this way and they will listen to you.

6/4/2013 6:51:15 PM

Quote :

" Both her mom and I tell her she gets 1 hr of games and then she has to read for the rest."

This is dangerous if you associate reading as a sort-of restriction or "punishment". It's less likely they'll do it for "fun".

Better to put it 50/50 and hope the reading can capture more attention naturally.

6/4/2013 7:24:03 PM

So the kid goes back to his mothers tomorrow have a three week stint with us. The last two nights he starts screaming bloody murder with no explanation waking us from a dead sleep to an adrenaline rush. The fuck. Heartattack central.

6/13/2013 12:50:46 AM

Could have been a night terror. He's at the right age for them. Scary as shit, but don't blame him for it.

6/13/2013 7:42:17 AM

He's awake when he starts screaming for his father though....everything I've read says they're asleep while theyre screaming

6/13/2013 8:52:10 AM

Correct, but they can appear to be awake. My son will begin screaming (usually for me), actually get up out of bed and walk around, fling his body to the ground or on the bed, and be inconsolable. Then he'll just stop, lay back in bed, and it's like nothing happened.

It's totally scary, but there's not much you can do about it. They just go away eventually.

6/13/2013 9:59:23 AM

I used to get night terrors all the time. My mom would come into my room and I would be standing on the bed screaming and pointing into the closet. She would tell me about it the next day but I wouldn't remember a thing. I grew out of it when I hit puberty.

6/13/2013 12:43:20 PM

Maybe it is a night terror. He fell asleep on the couch then got up shaking and screaming about things that didn't make sense. This happened while I was at work but the bf described it as bizarre and he was disoriented when he came to.... Freaky shit!

6/13/2013 8:11:45 PM

Definitely a night terror. The worst thing to do is get mad over them, or try to hold him down. Just try to understand it's not the same as a nightmare and at that moment it's very real to him.

And what everyone else said

6/13/2013 9:10:44 PM

The ones in the middle of the night are harder to understand because he was screaming for daddy and seemed to respond in conversation. He was hysterical though and couldn't tell us what was wrong. Once his dad went in there he calmed down but it took some convincing. Still a night terror?

6/13/2013 9:18:25 PM

I would say yes because it's not like someone forgets who everyone is during one.

However, if he's having them during the middle of the day I'd be more concerned for a sleep disorder. Night terrors usually happen in the middle of the night but unless he has like a 3 hour nap he could be having a hypnapompic hallucination. I don't think it's common at all for kids to get night terrors during the day.

6/13/2013 9:49:01 PM

[Edited on June 16, 2013 at 9:58 AM. Reason : please keep posts like this in chit chat. thanks! ]

6/15/2013 2:49:55 PM

Quote :

"Kiwi: Let me tell you, it's hard being the "parent" who isn't the parent trying to make a decent human being without being the evil stepmom. Mad respect yo."

This is awesome.

You just gave mad respect to yourself.

[Edited on June 16, 2013 at 1:28 AM. Reason : ^Why are you acting this way?]

6/16/2013 1:25:39 AM

someone must have stolen his communal bike.

6/16/2013 4:54:00 AM

Damn! I wish I saw what it said!


Bridget.

6/17/2013 7:47:14 PM

What am I doing wrong?? This parenting crap is hard.

This kid has few rules which are more than he has at moms. Easy things like, make your bed, brush your teeth, lift the seat, flush the toilet, clean you room. He knows if he doesn't do these he loses his electronics for the day. So yesterday, I did a check and he lost his electronics. Before I gave them back this morning I did a check and the same thing he got in trouble for yesterday happened this morning! So I feel like I have to step up the punishment for him to get it, right? What the hell?

I realize kids rebel, or forget, or whatever asinine excuse but when will the child learn? What measures does one need to go through to fix this behavior? Especially a child that's not yours? Is this shit easier if it's your own? If not, I give you parents who decide to have multiple children mad props.

[Edited on July 6, 2013 at 11:32 AM. Reason : Djdjdjdmam]

7/6/2013 11:29:39 AM

Focus more on rewarding the positives than disciplining the negatives. Give him a goal to work towards. Each time he passes his daily "check" add a marble or bean to a small jar. When he fills the jar he gets a reward. Some variation of this might help. Or instead of confiscating the electronics, if you have a time allowance for electronics he can earn more time by completing his chores and following rules. For each rule followed he earns ten minutes of video games.




Imagine yourself being 7 and having 6-8 rules you had to follow every day or you would lose your favorite toy. Fuck one thing up and everything else you did was for nothing. Why try? You end up with a kid with a very defeatist attitude that just gives up. The 7 things you did right mean nothing because you messed up once.


Oh, and from my experience working with rich kids money is a great motivator ( I know I know) My kids I work with have a jar with a picture of a toy they want in front of it. They earn coins for doing things, not a lot pennies mostly, and they love watching it fill up and being able to buy things with money they earned. Their parents do the same thing, although with larger denominations. Luckily my kids are still happy with pennies and nickels from me.

[Edited on July 6, 2013 at 12:10 PM. Reason : ....]

7/6/2013 11:54:49 AM

Quote :

"What am I doing wrong?? This parenting crap is hard. "

1. you are NOT the parent. no offense, but there is a huge difference.

7/6/2013 3:33:10 PM

Hey here we good - try this:

DO NOT SPARE THE ROD.

As they said in the Medieval times:

BIRCH DAT ASS

[Edited on July 6, 2013 at 3:36 PM. Reason : /]

7/6/2013 3:34:13 PM

Lol. Good advice!

I just try to reflect on my childhood and I remember being grounded in my room for the entire day with nothing to do but read. Which taught me to enjoy reading haha. He actually played with his real toys today, it was awesome!

7/6/2013 7:14:46 PM

Smath you've made your point more than once. It seems that in this situation. The child's father has put her in to a parental position. She is there during the day and at the very least you could consider her a nanny and with that comes more responsibilities than just being an adult he should respect. The child's parents are entrusting her to help raise him.

7/6/2013 10:53:21 PM