I saw some of y'all recommending this to people whose relationships are on the rocks, but I remember reading about how it was statistically unlikely to change divorce rates and that the whole process might leave couples worse off after they say the things they were only thinking before trying therapy.


So, TWW, have any of you actually tried this? for how long? what was the focus of discussion or scope of problems that you wanted to address? final outcome?


Thanks.

9/14/2016 3:09:41 PM

Just get divorced

9/14/2016 3:10:49 PM

If you're considering couples therapy it's already over.

9/14/2016 3:13:31 PM

My wife and I did couple's counseling and it was a big success.

The catch was that we did it BEFORE we got into an unresolvable conflict. We had just had a kid and I left my job to stay home, so we assumed there would be some big stress and conflict coming our way that we weren't prepared to handle. It was more of a preventative care kind of thing and it helped us catch some big issues early on before they took root and created devastation.

Anticipate things in life that will create stress and problems and get into counseling before they strike. If you wait until someone says "divorce" before you pick up the phone you might as well go ahead and start separating assets. I tell guys the same thing: if you wait until your teeth are rotting out of your mouth before you go to the dentist he won't be able to do anything but yank them out.

9/14/2016 3:15:45 PM

I did couples therapy, and actually liked it. It is good to have a ref in the room that is a pro at not putting up with people's shit, and it is also good to be forced to put your self in the other person's position.

We still got divorced, but it was overall a positive experience. I would recommend it. I came out of it realizing for the first time that I was a dick that put my job and career above everything, and really did not appreciate my wife that much. She finally had to face the brutal truth that she did indeed have an affair, and despite how many of her girlfriends convinced her that she was not a cheater, that what she did was hurtful and that there was no real excuse for it.

That being said, I was in the "let's divorce" boat for quite sometime and hated her for a bunch of things, and the couples therapy made me respect her again and to see my role in the situation.

[Edited on September 14, 2016 at 3:30 PM. Reason : j]

9/14/2016 3:22:20 PM

Oh great, just what I wanted to hear.

9/14/2016 3:26:41 PM

Hmm. Couples therapy...

Do it.

9/14/2016 3:31:25 PM

did you, Hiro?

9/14/2016 4:19:08 PM

Quote :

"We still got divorced, but it was overall a positive experience. "

9/15/2016 9:28:28 AM

Quote :

"We still got divorced, but it was overall a positive experience. "

9/15/2016 10:34:38 AM

I think BanjoMan makes a solid point

whether or not you avoid divorce isn't the only measurement for counseling success

9/15/2016 10:36:27 AM

I was making a joke, but I have worked with my fair share of divorcing couples in Real Estate. An amicable divorce is always better than a non amicable one. People can either be nasty as fuck and try to destroy/undermine their soon to be ex at every opportunity, or work through the divorce in a manner that helps them both move on. The couples that cooperate through the process are much happier.

9/15/2016 11:25:09 AM

Quote :

"My wife and I did couple's counseling and it was a big success. The catch was that we did it BEFORE we got into an unresolvable conflict. We had just had a kid and I left my job to stay home, so we assumed there would be some big stress and conflict coming our way that we weren't prepared to handle. It was more of a preventative care kind of thing and it helped us catch some big issues early on before they took root and created devastation. Anticipate things in life that will create stress and problems and get into counseling before they strike. If you wait until someone says "divorce" before you pick up the phone you might as well go ahead and start separating assets. I tell guys the same thing: if you wait until your teeth are rotting out of your mouth before you go to the dentist he won't be able to do anything but yank them out."

Kind of similar situation but we did this like 5-6 years ago. It actually started off mainly for my wife to go as she was dealing with a super controlling mother who lived around the corner from our place and was very intrusive in our family. It was fucking with my wife mentally which was messing up her relationship with me and our sons. She wasn't happy so she was taking shit out on me. I wasn't happy about any of this situation and eventually had it out with her mom and stepdad and cussed them out one evening when they came over to our house demanding some shit. Classy stuff.

So yea she started solo counseling for a bit to deal with this shit. They asked if I would join for a couple of joint sessions because it was affecting our relationship. I think it helped, but as stated above, neither of us were ready to peace out on the relationship, we were just dealing with external shit. The doctor wanted the mother-in-law to go to counseling which I have said she needs for years now, and she said it wasn't biblical or she didn't believe in that or some such shit. I basically resolved the whole situation when I got a job in the Triangle and we got the hell away from her family. Her mother didn't talk to us for a while which was glorious. Getting some space gave me wife a lot more confidence and allowed us to focus on each other and not appeasing everybody else. So while we only did it a few times I think it helped. Neither of us was at a place where we were saying vile shit about each other, it was more like she didn't think I supported her and I didn't think she cared type stuff. In our case it worked and we have been together now for like close to 15 years.

9/15/2016 9:42:31 PM

I would post a serious response in this thread, but #foreveralone

9/15/2016 11:02:50 PM

Sorry to hear that.

Behind every behavior there is a hurt, and behind every hurt there is an unmet need.

It could be appreciation, respect, comfort, affection, security, etc.

You have to be willing to communicate your hurts, and forgive them EVEN when they don't ask, or you don't FEEL like it.

You also have to be willing to listen to their unmet needs, and ask forgiveness, regardless of your unmet needs.

It's a decision the two of you make together.

9/15/2016 11:17:10 PM

my friend went to couples therapy with his girlfriend, and subsequently broke up with her. he was glad it happened, though, and still does therapy.

9/16/2016 3:18:07 AM