and god I want to shove this speakerphone up this guy's ass in the office next to me

[Edited on November 19, 2008 at 1:47 PM. Reason : another fucking page topper]

11/19/2008 1:46:48 PM

^do it!

db19 you mean the cookies with jam n them?

11/19/2008 1:51:58 PM

No these are just plain scalloped butter cookies....they also come in a chocolate chip variety.

11/19/2008 2:07:48 PM

I used to love those cookies, and we'd have competitions to see how thin you can eat around it to make it still a ring.

11/19/2008 2:12:44 PM

See Swink! That's why I ♥ you!!! We used to do that too

11/19/2008 2:13:52 PM

Quote :

"and we'd have competitions to see how thin you can eat around it to make it still a ring."

and the pedos watched with a smile

11/19/2008 2:14:09 PM

Let's bring it back!

The dollar store sells some, but they might be super ghetto cookies.

[Edited on November 19, 2008 at 2:15 PM. Reason : ,]

11/19/2008 2:14:47 PM

I just make special trips to Food Lion to get them.

I have a pack here at my desk and I'm so gonna try it when I finish my sammich.

11/19/2008 2:20:39 PM

Where's my sammich?

11/19/2008 2:21:16 PM

Sitting right beside my wings.

11/19/2008 2:21:57 PM

11/19/2008 2:22:28 PM

As some of you may know, I had a date Monday evening.

Her name was Glenda. This is one of the main reasons I was attracted to her. She’s pretty, of course; I wouldn’t approach her other wise. But living in Charlotte, I see pretty girls all the time. But they’re usually named Kim, Susan, Michelle, Jessica, Sarah, etc.; the basic names that you forget just as easily as your remember. But I’d never forget a name like Glenda.

The Good Witch and I started talking off and on, usually more off than on. IM’s and texts were exchanged on an exceedingly frequent basis. We’d see each other as social gatherings, restaurants, bars…we had mutual acquaintances, but never really started talking seriously until sometime last week.

It was then that a vital piece of information was revealed to me…she had children. Not one, not two, but three boys, aged about 10 months, two and a half and five. And she was only 22 ! Initially I was taken aback. I don’t want any kids of my own for a long time, and this girl is younger than I and already had three. And from three different guys. Normally this is the point where I cut my losses and leave, but for some reason I was intrigued. I could put all that other bullshit aside.
Glenda was different.

We made plans for dinner and a show on the evening of Monday the 17th. Normally, I don’t like the concept of ‘formal dates’; I much prefer the informal nature of group outings and drunken rendezvous’. But with Glenda, it was different. I wanted it to be special. I made reservations at Ruth Chris and got symphony tickets. I had a new suit that I was saving to break in on our company’s Christmas Party, but I decided wear it that night. Savile Row charcoal with my lucky blue Bill Blass tie and my trusty Allen Edmonds on my feet. I looked good great.

I picked her up at 6 o’clock sharp. Early, yes, but the show started at 8 and we wanted time to eat beforehand without having to rush. My beat up Mazda wouldn’t do the trick, so I borrowed a buddy’s A8 for the evening. She looked radiant in a backless black dress with Ferragamo boots. But it was freezing in Charlotte that evening, a bitter wind that chilled to the bone. You’d think someone would bring a jacket regardless of the temperature, since it was Mid November and all, but the dress was all she had. I begrudgingly handed gave her my blazer and helped her into the car.

The ride over was pleasant, with good conversation against a backdrop of KC and JoJo. We arrived at the restaurant right on time. I ordered the Porterhouse, and she the filet. We had a drink at the bar while they prepared out table. My usual Hennessy rocks, and she got a bigass strawberry daiquiri. We soon moved to our table and she picked out a bottle of wine.

I noticed that Glenda was getting just a wee bit tipsy after that daiquiri. It was a massive drink, and she was no more than 105 pounds, so it was reasonable that 3-4 shots of liquor might start to take effect on her. Then we moved on to the wine, red to match the steaks. Her words began to slur a bit, and her head bobbed with the uneasy sway of Jack Sparrow. I couldn’t decide whether this was a good thing, as it would be easier to move in for the kill, or a bad thing, as she might not be able to full appreciate the subtle melodies of the Charlotte Symphony Orchestra.

I left to urinate and when I returned, it was evident that the vino had completely derailed her. She was singing “You’re beautiful” by James Blunt to her baked potato. Embarrassed, I tried to talk to her, but she could barely hold a conversation. She played with her food and would sing incessantly. I finally decided enough was enough, and I drug her out of their before she could do anymore damage. She wouldn’t stop singing, so I threw her in the backseat and put my headphones on. The symphony was out, as well as any chance of a significant relationship developing between us.

But there was still something I could do to salvage the evening. After all, I never really wanted a long term relationship out of this anyway. I brought her back to my place and literally carried her inside. At this point she was quoting Sandra Bullock movies, completely oblivious to the world around her. I put her on the couch and struggled to unzip her boots, followed by her dress and finally her knickers. Not wanting to take the time to fully disrobe myself, I just pulled my slacks down to my waist, slapped on a Lifestyles and made the plunge.

I was in. If I hadn’t already known it, I never would’ve guessed she’d birth three children out of that very same canal. It was as tight and wet as any high school virgin’s. In and out I went rhythmically, as she continued to babble indecipherably. I knew it wouldn’t take long.

After about four minutes I could feel the stirring. The release was imminent. I slowed my pace and made a few final gallant strokes. With haste, I pulled out and stripped the prophylactic in one fell swoop. The point of no return. I beat feverishly for those final few seconds as I scanned Glenda for my aiming point.

The time had come. With one final stroke I unleashed a primal roar and jettisoned the first torrent of Slave Sauce hurtling thru the air. It barely had any arc to it; it was a line drive, with the trajectory of Shaq’s free throws. It completely cleared her face and head and splashed on the sofa cushion some seven feet away ! Subsequent ropes followed a gradually diminishing path, first smattering her face and forehead, then her neck, chest and stomach. The final burst went right into her button, filling it to the brim like a scalding latte on a cold winter’s eve.

They say coffee helps to sober you up, but I discovered that coffee’s got nothing on a face full of hot semen. Suddenly the LOL’s and giggles ceased, replaced with a flood of OMG’s and curses. How could I do this, What was I thinking, What the fuck was wrong with me…the whole 9 yards. She made a mad dash to the shower and I finally caught my breath. When she emerged, I was waiting with a smile. “I had a great time this evening…lets do it again real soon.” Her brow furrowed as she seethed with anger. “FUCK YOU”. She hurriedly grabbed her dress and boots and threw them on, and ganked one of my jackets and slammed the door behind her. It was about 30 degrees out, but she only lived a few blocks down so I didn’t run after her. She’d be fine. But as far as the two of us were concerned, I think it was pretty much a one and done.

I still love that name tho. Glenda. If I ever have a daughter, thats gonna be my first choice.

11/19/2008 2:39:26 PM

And the pain in my abdomen is back from the laughter!!!!

Big ass daiqaris and Good Witches seem to be a great combo!!!


A++ story! Would read again!!!

11/19/2008 2:45:13 PM

this thread is moving fast

11/19/2008 2:47:44 PM

haha. I lol'd twas well worth the wait.

[Edited on November 19, 2008 at 2:53 PM. Reason : ]

11/19/2008 2:49:00 PM

Quote :

"Normally this is the point where I cut my losses and leave"

RUNNNNNNN


[Edited on November 19, 2008 at 2:50 PM. Reason : ..]

11/19/2008 2:49:22 PM

So did you know they were Ferragamo boots before or after you unzipped them?

11/19/2008 2:53:16 PM

After

I know womens fashion well

but not that well

11/19/2008 2:54:57 PM

hahaha

I can see it now. You unzip the boots and then go "Hmmm I know DivaBaby is gonna ask, so let me see what brand they are. Ferragamo! Got it!!!"

11/19/2008 3:02:41 PM

11/19/2008 3:03:40 PM

Ask me stuffies

11/19/2008 3:59:08 PM

what should I do for the next hour til I can leave?

11/19/2008 4:02:13 PM

Figure out where you're gonna get me wings.

11/19/2008 4:03:03 PM

had wings yesterday

and why the fuck is my gmail carolina blue?

11/19/2008 4:03:43 PM

Mine is always blue....how do you change the color?

Also I said nothing about YOU having wings...I asked about ME!

11/19/2008 4:06:40 PM

hmm...apparently you can go into settings and there's a themes tab.

11/19/2008 4:07:42 PM

yeah but who made the dress?

11/19/2008 4:12:26 PM

still trying to hate, eh?

11/19/2008 4:22:43 PM

never stop hating.

11/19/2008 4:25:42 PM

ibthaterblockers

11/19/2008 4:26:57 PM

I do need a new pair of boots.

11/19/2008 4:27:33 PM

I desperately need boots

11/19/2008 4:32:17 PM

I love my boots. they're so warm.

11/19/2008 4:33:29 PM

I have some brown high heeled booties. I gave my sister a really expensive pair of boots I got from SoHo

I want some cowboy boots, some flat black suede boots, and some cute brown tall stacked heel boots.

11/19/2008 4:42:07 PM

damn. you don't want much do ya?

11/19/2008 4:43:46 PM

I really want some brown boots.

11/19/2008 4:44:47 PM

at least I know what I want

I need black shoes too. My dog decided to eat those

11/19/2008 4:56:33 PM

i could use some new steel toes, mine are getting old.

11/19/2008 4:58:21 PM

Let's go shoe shopping!

11/19/2008 5:01:50 PM

ok.
i need some good steeled toed ones for the quarries and mines too.

11/19/2008 5:05:18 PM

Have you found me someone to go on a date with yet?

11/19/2008 5:06:09 PM

I was thinking Winn Flyth, but I don't know if he likes black girls, and if he does if his parents would be ok with it.
That's the prob

stupid racism
made me think about how people around here are prob still talking about when they saw me on a date with a black dude at Bloomsbury.

11/19/2008 5:09:11 PM

still no dress

11/19/2008 7:15:42 PM

i'm feeling all poopy again...i'm gonna pray some

11/19/2008 7:17:13 PM

i need to pray tonight

today has been tough and i need some help

11/19/2008 7:18:30 PM

i only prayed for about 30 seconds in all...but i said something for you too

11/19/2008 7:32:29 PM

thank you



i hope you prayed for this pain in my insides to go away

[Edited on November 19, 2008 at 7:38 PM. Reason : asdf]

11/19/2008 7:36:40 PM

Bones is on. that should make you feel a little better.

11/19/2008 8:11:44 PM

i feel ok

i'm just hurting

11/19/2008 8:13:03 PM

pray for me why ya at it, I could use some good juju

11/19/2008 8:13:11 PM