Dear hurricane rating system,

We thought you went to 10.

- FEMA

9/8/2005 2:52:57 PM

dear penis,
you let me down
fuckhead

9/18/2005 3:54:53 PM

dear new christmas lights in the apartment,

despite being cliche, i love you

love,
me

11/10/2005 2:01:42 AM

^^ HAHAHAHAHA OWNED

11/10/2005 2:09:58 AM

Dear Stamps and Markers,
Look, I know you guys are in cahoots. Please come out of hiding, I promise to be nice.

xo,
mm

11/10/2005 2:10:37 AM

Dear man-thong,

I'm sorry the asian guys that live above me hung you out to dry.
Just to make you feel better, I think they're pretty gay too.
Hey look on the bright side, at least thet're not black!

Hope to never see you again,
Nick

11/10/2005 2:16:56 AM

Dear mailbox,

I FEED, YOU EAT DAMNIT. Dont be lookin at me like that, cuz ill smack you silly. thats right biatch, raise your red flag in surrender. you be working 24/6, i let you off the hook on sunday. you aint be joining no union, quit talkin like yous' a white folk. black and proud aight.

11/10/2005 2:25:37 AM

dear internet radio,

please stop intentionally playing sad and depressing and lonely songs tonight

you're freaking me out

love,
me

PS - you respond to this with MORE dido?! wtf

[Edited on November 10, 2005 at 9:22 PM. Reason : creepy]

11/10/2005 9:19:46 PM

dear attorneys,

read the notes we send you, i can guaran-god-dam-tee that the answer to your question is in there...thanks

~LK

[Edited on November 18, 2005 at 9:06 AM. Reason : yes i realize they aren't inanimate...but it FEELS like they are]

11/18/2005 9:01:23 AM

dear building,
the heat can come on anytime now...
i mean really...
~LK




i think if i wasn't so cold in my office i wouldn't mind all the bs

11/18/2005 9:18:23 AM

dear coffee,

plz stop tryna make me hafta go drop the cosby kids off at the pool

thx

11/18/2005 10:15:17 AM

Dear USP,

You are superbly accurate even at 20 yards. I admire this tremendously. Thank you for being so well designed.


EDDIE

11/18/2005 10:39:15 AM

dear the thread,

i do this anyway. thanks.

asshole.

11/18/2005 10:45:48 AM

Dear Thermo Test,

You really handed my ass to me last night.

Thanks a lot.

~SIG

11/18/2005 11:27:37 AM

dear "i'm quitting tww" threads,

you are gay

like drag queen faggot gay

best regards,
josh

11/18/2005 11:30:18 AM

dear car,

why must you fail me so? you are a toyota - start acting like it. 12 years is not old - please heal your hanging muffler and your leaking radiator.

i know i beat up your clutch when i was first learning how to drive you, but i thought we were past this.

love,
kate

11/18/2005 11:31:51 AM

dear kates car,

honda is better than toyota, I SHIT ON YOUR CHEST SIR!

11/18/2005 11:33:08 AM

dear josh's car,

plz to stfu - i am a manual, therefore i am 10000x better than you

love,
kate's car

11/18/2005 11:34:44 AM

dear josh's driving skills,

i'm pleased to say that your yearly checkup exam results came back and you got a passing grade of a- and that your lack of manuel experience is JUST fine

11/18/2005 11:36:20 AM

dear josh's driving skills,

someday, josh will out with someone who drives a manual and the driver will get shot/mugged/whatever and josh's life will depend on YOUR ability to drive the car back to safety

and josh will die

sadly,
kate

11/18/2005 11:39:10 AM

dear josh's death,

if you are actually going to die someday...it will not be from not being able to drive a manuel

11/18/2005 11:40:20 AM

dude - your death can't die

that's just...not possible

but i'll be sure to be sad when you get man-raped by someone because you don't know how to drive a manual

or eaten by wolves

11/18/2005 11:41:29 AM

i'd prolly just live with nature for a year or 2 anyway

11/18/2005 11:42:38 AM

dear term paper,

Why can't you just write yourself?

11/22/2005 1:47:39 AM

Dear Playing Gigs With a Decent Band,

come out of hiding

i miss you

-Bassman

11/22/2005 1:51:51 AM

Hey chair,

You belong in the lawn. Yet you are my computer chair. You have no redeeming qualities other than keeping me from kneeling infront of the screen. You better hope I don't drink anymore beers or the chances of you ending up in little pieces has exponentially risen.

Your favorite asshole,
Nick

11/22/2005 1:56:45 AM

dear attention,

please focus...i believe that is your main job as my attention

the sooner you get to work, the sooner we can go to bed

love,
kate

11/22/2005 1:59:10 AM

Dear Weiner,

Will you go on?


Sincerely,
Chris

11/22/2005 2:00:29 AM

Dear empty beer bottle,

Why are you still on my desk? You have been there for a week now. And when I want beer, you taunt me. Go recycle yourself.

~person sitting at said desk

11/22/2005 2:01:17 AM

Dear term paper,

if you could see to writing yourself, I'd greatly appreciate it. I would drink whiskey and play megaman in your honor. please respond as soon as you can.

Thanks!
-Chris

11/22/2005 2:12:12 AM

^tell yours to tell mine the same thing please

11/22/2005 2:22:28 AM

haha dear kates same thing to legatic,

my honda still pwns all

11/22/2005 2:28:45 AM

dear josh's brain,

you confuse me

11/22/2005 2:43:32 AM

i'm a fucked up individual

11/22/2005 2:45:11 AM

Dear schoolwork,

I know we've been together a long time. That's why it hurts me to tell you...I've found someone else.

Look, it's not you, it's me. I'm not mature enough for a relationship with you. You offer a lot of things, like success and respect, but I crave juvenile things like drunkeness and fun.

I don't want you to hold it against Beer -- it's not his fault, either. It's all me. I'm so sorry, but I never want to see you again.

Sincerely,
Grumpster

11/22/2005 2:45:19 AM

dear 10 people that actually vote,
vote for pedro

11/22/2005 2:49:19 AM

Dear Marine Corps,

"Whore-hunting" leads to STD's beyond all imagination

You friend and soldier,

Carl Hudson

11/22/2005 12:39:05 PM

^(The Corps is very much alive, btw)

Dear Cell Phone,

Please ring more often. I'm tired of having to make all my calls.

Your Button-Pusher,

Robert

11/22/2005 12:41:59 PM

dear research paper,

you are now officially my bitch

prepare to be printed and turned in

love,
kate

ps - get a good grade

11/22/2005 12:47:32 PM

Dear contact,

plz to stop hurting my eyeball

thx u

tater

11/22/2005 12:51:06 PM

Dear Chep 4-way pallets,

its odd to say, but I miss not having at least one of ya'll around.
keep up the good work

-Brian-

12/9/2005 3:52:52 PM

dear camry,

it's been a good 12 years together, but you're dead now in a parking lot in apex.

we had some good times...sorry about grinding your clutch.

have fun in car heaven.

love always,
kate

12/9/2005 5:42:31 PM

Dear stomach,

Please let me eat something so I don't pass out from hypoglycemic shock.

kkthnx

12/9/2005 6:02:56 PM

Dear Keyboard,

Please let Lutra know that a stomach is not an inanimate object.

Thanks,

asshole user

12/9/2005 6:16:01 PM

Dear Jerry Seinfeld tickets,

Please let me buy you for less than $150-$200 a piece.

$115 is as high as I can go


Love,

Kelly

12/9/2005 6:40:11 PM

Dear Coffee,

You are wonderful.

Love,
Jess

[Edited on December 9, 2005 at 6:46 PM. Reason : ]

12/9/2005 6:46:25 PM

dear sticky thing on the bottom of my shoe,
i dont know what you are
or where you came from.

the end.

12/9/2005 7:46:47 PM

Dear Midnight on Saturday,
Please hurry up and get here. I'm very tired of being under 21 and I think it's high time the mustard yellow on my license turned to green. The anticipation of that (and other birthday treats!) is killing me.
Love until then,
Misha


Dear iPod,
Go buy yourself a new case with wheel and screen cover. I can't find one I want anywhere (either the stuff is too thick or non existant) and I don't want you getting scratched.
Just lookin' out for ya,
Misha

12/13/2005 4:29:52 PM

Dear Grad School Applications,
Be good, k?
-Melissa

12/13/2005 5:49:14 PM

set em up

12/13/2005 5:51:10 PM