Dear TV remote,

Please stop with the games. We are both to old to play hide and seek.

-Callaway

P.S. If you happen to run into Car Keys, could you relay this message.

2/11/2008 4:35:11 PM

dear weather,

what the fuck?

<3

2/11/2008 4:45:49 PM

dear personalized m&ms

good god you are expensive

<3

Joie

2/11/2008 4:47:32 PM

Dear George Foreman Grill,

You are absolutely invaluable in my kitchen. You always make such nice hamburgers, but I have been truly surprised with the caliber of chicken and steak which I can cook on you. You're quick and easy, and this is a good combination. I'll be sure to add your removable plate incarnation to my registry.

Your fan,

Axelay

2/12/2008 4:51:45 PM

Ipod,

at first i thought you were going to be a lazy piece of shit that only worked when you felt like it because you are black, but i must say you did a great job of proving me wrong about that.

every time i want to drift into a melodic bliss, your output caresses my eardrums with sounds so crisp and soothing it rivals the audible properties of melting butter.

your interface makes me want to splooge

i love you ipod, i won't ever let you go,
Yoshiemaster

2/15/2008 8:45:54 PM

dear xbox,

why can't you be a 360?

2/15/2008 9:26:09 PM

Dear TWW,

You are beginning to be filled with nothing but douches, creeps, and pedophiles. They do not bring the funny. They only bring the sadness. Please stop.

Your friend,
IMStoned420

2/15/2008 9:32:07 PM

dear new digital cable boxes old tv's will need feb 17. 2009...you should be free...under my presidency this will become a reality...dnl/jeepson 08

2/15/2008 9:33:45 PM

I wrote my initials in the side of a pyramid.

2/15/2008 9:35:15 PM

dear liquor,

why can't you leave me alone just while i drive. that'd be great. kthx.

<3

cody

p.s. - Joie needs cigarettes so if you could pick them up and bring them over that'd be awesome. you rule, liquor.

[Edited on February 15, 2008 at 10:00 PM. Reason : ps]

2/15/2008 9:57:01 PM

Dear flu,

I hate you.

2/25/2008 5:44:20 AM

dear body,

please decide what temperate your going to be. 100 degrees? fine stay there. 60 degrees (or at least feeling like it). fine stay there.

this back and forth bullshit has got to stop!

kelly

(oh and ^ ditto)

2/27/2008 9:40:31 PM

dear house,

please to not need stuff done, im feeling lazy

2/27/2008 9:47:41 PM

Dear mytwocents,


How the fuck are you winning?


Sincerely,

DiamondAce

2/27/2008 9:49:39 PM

Dear Crabtree Valley Mall,

You used to be a nice place to shop. However, now I must say that the best word which comes to mind to describe you is "suck." You have absolutely zero stores which hold interest for me any more. What happened to all of the fun and interesting places to go? Now every store in you seems like an overpriced preppie boutique which blasts club music. You are a very pale shadow of the interesting mall you once were.

Disappointedly yours,

Axelay

2/27/2008 9:53:16 PM

not to pick nits here, but the flu and ones body are both quite animate objects.

















(although the former can render the latter rather inanimate )

2/28/2008 11:29:47 AM

Dear Wolf Alert Emergency System,
Thanks for going off right when I passed in front of one of your audio alert speakers. I can no longer hear anything and have a constant ringing in my head. I think someone just tried to tell me to do something at work, but they sounded like the teacher lady from Charlie Brown. I might have agreed to do something I'm going to regret later.

DPK

2/28/2008 12:02:18 PM

dear sleep deprivation

i </3 you

qntmfred

2/28/2008 12:14:12 PM

Dear AT&T Wireless,

Fuck you. You decide to acquire Cingular, with whom I was very very happy, and turn the service into liquified shit. More bars? Where? Not here, that's for damn sure. And not anywhere else I've been in the last 6 months either. Listen, if you find those bars you've been telling us about, please take them, and shove them up your ass.

Cordially,

Sayer

2/28/2008 12:30:02 PM

Dear Penis,



Yours,
RawWulf

2/28/2008 12:32:12 PM

Dear cold,

Fuck you.

Love,
StillFuchsia

2/28/2008 1:12:23 PM

dear roadkill,
get out of the road

kthx,
Cyphr_Sonic

2/28/2008 1:24:07 PM

Dear condom,
Thanks for holding back all the mini me's from the egg of life, youre a life saver.... or a life stopper which ever way you want to look at it.

2/28/2008 1:28:30 PM

Dear office chair,

I'm sorry. I really feel bad for you.

This is the most foul gas I've ever had in my entire life.

I like you though, and you've contoured yourself wonderfully to my ass.

Please dont take this as a sign of aggression and mutiny.

kthnx

2/28/2008 1:30:32 PM

Dear 'Write letters to inanimate objects' thread,

Thank you for being so entertaining. You brighten my day. Just like Monorail Cat, only you don't need pictures.

Regards,
dbmcknight

2/28/2008 1:55:41 PM

Dear toolbag who's been sitting on the fifth floor of DH Hill for two days,
Move the fuck on.
kthxbye.

2/28/2008 2:11:52 PM

i doubt he's inanimate

2/28/2008 2:15:23 PM

attn: alcholol

i'm a newb, pleaze to be nice. I am an irishman though, so i should be good



kkthx

2/28/2008 10:00:09 PM

Dear dishes,

Please wash yourselves so I can get to the faucet to make coffee. I have new DS games to play. kthx

2/28/2008 10:02:54 PM

Dear DSL light on the speed stream modem,
Please stay green! You keep connecting and then changing your mind and flashing orange, I just don't understand. If you keep acting like this then I'm going to have to switch to bellsouth, which does not make me a happy camper. We've had some great times, and if you could just keep your connection up we'd have even more.

xo,
Misha

3/1/2008 10:48:57 PM

Dear Mousetraps,

Please provide some more entertainment this evening. And let beer join.

Thanks,

d7freestyler

3/1/2008 10:50:23 PM

Attn dust

Please to stop going RIGHT IN MY FACE to make me cough and taste shit in the back of my throat for a while afterwards.

- zorthage

3/1/2008 11:45:45 PM

dear dwight bobblehead,

why are you looking slightly to the left?

thanks.

3/1/2008 11:47:00 PM

btt for NCSUGirl83

4/18/2008 12:54:44 PM

Dear time,

there is never enough of you, with work and sleep each scraping at each other to lay claim to a full 8 hours each every work day. commuting though may be shorter soon again uses up too much of you. I no longer have enough to properly enjoy the mundane things. You are spent while cooking and watching tv, 2 things that now must go together like cousins that don't like each other at all. You slip away into the cracks of the internet where for some reason i am unable to do the things i need to do on it during free time at work.
Rarely their is too much of you often this is in the presence of the hideous female ogre that is one of the lab managers down the hall or with the very mention or thought of QA. This weekend you will be very scarce indeed. Regrettably I have yet to find a way to make more of you or hold you still, close and tight.

These are the dreams that we slaves to your constant dance make.

-arab13 your obedient slave

4/18/2008 1:07:45 PM

Dear Leftover Mellow Mushroom Pizza -
I'm very disappointed that you're no where near as good today as you were yesterday. I hope you are disappointed in yourself.
That's all.
Heather


Dear LunaK -
I realize that you are not an inanimate object, however, I wanted to write to you and thank you for bttting this thread for me. You rock.
Heather

4/18/2008 1:16:12 PM

dear girl on the internet

i'd prolly do u if i could and if u didnt know anyone i knew and i never saw u again cause it would suck

4/18/2008 1:23:08 PM

Dear MSE Postlab, Time Travel Final Paper and Technical Wiring Proposal,

Fuck.

You.

-Peter

4/18/2008 1:26:06 PM

Dear Car,

I'm getting sick and tired of paying to have you fixed. I'm going to trade your ass in and use you as a down payment on a new whip.

Best regards,
EMCE

4/18/2008 2:18:05 PM

Dear DMS report,

I wish you wouldnt have the most complex problems explained with 1 line of jargon. Whoever wrote you must be as dense as their 56Mb txt crash report.

4/18/2008 2:29:57 PM

Dear Computer Screen,
Why are you displaying so many letters to concepts rather than inanimate objects?

4/18/2008 2:44:29 PM

Dear couch,



Love,

Kurtis

4/18/2008 2:46:14 PM

Dear fish,
Sorry about hooking your eye but you should have seen it coming.

4/20/2008 3:41:17 PM

Dear computer,

Stop turning yourself off, you're not even paid for yet and I'maboutthisclosetotossingyou from the top of a very high building.

- Sleik

4/20/2008 3:45:55 PM

dear stomach...i'm glad i ate a lot of pizza lately cuz i aint eating much now but i got a lot of fat and cigs to keep me going

4/20/2008 3:47:13 PM

^isn't that an animate object?

4/20/2008 9:19:50 PM

Dear shower stall mat,

Thanks for fitting my new stall perfectly, I no longer fear slipping inside your new home.

4/20/2008 10:13:52 PM

Dear bed,

oh we gettin it on soon...i think. if not, then ill be there a little later.

yours forever,

jtmoneyncsu

4/20/2008 10:16:08 PM

Dear May,

Plz to hurry up and get here soon.

4/20/2008 10:18:44 PM

Dear baby powder,

Thank you for making my balls feel tingly and cool.

4/20/2008 10:18:48 PM