18


Dear Mama,

You are appreciated

-2pac

5/5/2008 9:12:15 PM

dear tequila


you've been good to me thus far on this holiday and late celebration of my birthday


keep up the good work


-colter

5/6/2008 3:00:01 AM

Dear MyPackPortal,

Why don't you ever fucking work? You suck a huge cock. Please go jump off a cliff and die. I hate you.

Sincerely, Stoned420

5/6/2008 7:04:25 AM

Dear Hypodermic Needles,

I want you inside me.

Signed,

The Diabetic

5/6/2008 7:13:05 AM

Dear Teeth,

Quit cavitating. It's very expensive to fill you.

KThanks

5/13/2008 9:32:41 PM

dear play area i have constructed,


please please please keep my puppy contained.


thanks a bunch,
tutu

5/13/2008 9:34:11 PM

dear floss,
you helped me successfully remove that piece of chicken that was stuck between my teeth tonight. and for that i thank you.
keep up the good work
qfred

5/28/2008 7:54:09 PM

Dear Strawberry Cheesecake Milkshake from Cookout,
You taste good.

Thanks,
-DREW

6/10/2008 9:54:48 PM

dear sunburn,

you really hurt, and the blisters are really bothering me. if i promise never to do this again, will you please please get better soon???

kthx
lunak

6/10/2008 11:14:25 PM

Dear Ninja Gaiden II,

You are far and away the most violent game I have ever seen. Remember way back when the Senate was all up in arms over Mortal Kombat? Yeah, that was like Sesame Street compared to you. You should be proud. I'm really sorry that Itagaki is no longer going to be working with you in the future, though. Anyway, keep up the great work. I can hardly wait to see what your next few chapters have in store.

Sincerely,

Axelay

6/11/2008 12:43:08 AM

Dear Graphistudio.com,

You suck. You cropped all the pages wrong, the pics themselves look like they're 70dpi instad of 300 dpi, your prices are too high, and your customer service blows. I'd take Asukabook.com anyday.

Stephanie

6/11/2008 12:44:36 AM

dear razr

i hate you, and i hate your verizon interface. you were really cool like 3 years ago but now you are slow and sometimes you alarm doesn't even go off! but that's ok, you're getting replaced soon.

6/11/2008 12:45:18 AM

Dear Arm,

If you would develop a more serious condition that was equally as painful, maybe we could get some vicodin. Plz to work on that. kthx.

Vix

6/11/2008 12:48:52 AM

Dear A/C

Plz to stop being so half-assed. It is about 10 degrees hotter upstairs. Stop pussing out halfway up the stairs. I know you're old, but get it together.

thxu

Management

6/11/2008 1:15:46 AM

Dear Restaurant downstairs:

Please buy an answering machine. Your phone rings constantly in the morning and it's driving me insane.



Dear People calling restaurant downstairs:

Seriously, if no one answers after 6 rings MAYBE NO ONE IS THERE!

6/16/2008 10:20:19 AM

I think the people are animate hun.

Dear "my world",
Please uncomplicate yourself, i have tried so hard to do so and failed miserably.
Probably because that isn't a word but... you get the point.
Thanks,
Bill

6/16/2008 11:40:00 AM

same difference

6/16/2008 11:43:07 AM

Dear monsterious headache,

I dont have time for this today and that icepick behind my right temple it particularly annoying. You are welcome to return anytime in the next to weeks if you could just lay off while im studying for my final. Really, i need to pass.

Thanks,

Jen

6/23/2008 3:04:42 PM

dear burnt popcorn,

i wish the person that cooked you woulda made you correctly

6/23/2008 3:54:57 PM

Dear phone,

Plz to ring

6/23/2008 3:56:33 PM

Dear vibrator,

Wish you were here.

Sincerly,

Jenn

6/29/2008 10:29:23 PM

Dear Jenn's vibrator,

Wish you were here.

Sincerly,

beergolftile

6/29/2008 10:31:11 PM

Dear Car,

Please do not crash. I'm counting on you!

Let's see what them downtown motherfuckers are shoutin' about...

<3
Gamecat

6/29/2008 10:36:16 PM

Dear touchpad on my laptop,



I wish you were a trackpoint, because you irritate the shit out of me when I am typing and I accidentally touch you and my cursor gets relocated to a sentence that I've already typed and my words get inserted into the wrong place.


Basically, you're not good enough for me.

I hope you're happy.

love,

jadn

6/29/2008 10:39:32 PM

Dear Durango,

No you are not being neglected. Yes I did get another car, but that's because you were just killin me on gas. I still got love for ya though, you got that 4 wheel drive, you still look great, and I can be "rollin fly" when I'm rollin in the Durango, however, for long trips, I'm going to use the other car. deal with it. You're still good, just keepin it local so you have a longer life.

Plus the dog likes riding with you better than with the new car.

HOLLA,
Rob

6/29/2008 10:43:49 PM

Dear "Letters to Inanimate Objects" post,

I posted to you back in 2004. It's nice to see you're still around, with no signs of aging.

Love,
BEG

7/29/2008 4:27:58 PM

Dear thread bumps:

you have kept TWW history alive.

I do not know whether to thank you or hate you.

Sincerely, damosy

7/29/2008 4:37:34 PM

Dear Gatorade Frost,

I'm glad that I kept you in my pantry just in case. You have made my morning a lot less rough than it might have been. The only way you could do anything more for me would be to get me some biscuits and gravy, but I know that's a bit much.

Thank you for being delicious and hydrating,

Misha

8/3/2008 12:48:18 PM

dear penis,

i do not appreciate it when i have to pee in the morning. Your energetic behavior in the morning makes it hard for me to aim. Also, whats up with you and fat chicks. Seriously.. i dont get it. Seriously.

Yours truly,
Walls1441

8/3/2008 12:55:41 PM

Haha, you called your penis an inanimate object.

Main Entry: in·an·i·mate
Pronunciation: \(?)i-'na-n?-m?t\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Late Latin inanimatus, from Latin in- + animatus, past participle of animare to animate
Date: 15th century
1: not animate: a: not endowed with life or spirit <an inanimate object> b: lacking consciousness or power of motion <an inanimate body>
2: not animated or lively : dull

8/3/2008 1:00:55 PM

Dear Car,

Please get me to work and back safely. I know I probably shouldn't drive when my vision is this awful. I'm counting on you.

Thanks,

Vix

8/3/2008 1:20:08 PM

dear blue vase:

you're very pretty, and are my new favorite thing in the house

,
LK




dear gas water heater:



i hate you,
LK




dear laundry:

please fold yourself and put yourself away.

much obliged,
LK

[Edited on August 3, 2008 at 4:41 PM. Reason : ]

8/3/2008 4:39:50 PM

Dr. 2pm,

Please to come here asap.

Thx!

8/13/2008 12:08:57 PM

i made a slight effort to find this thread yesterday

8/13/2008 12:09:42 PM

Dear work email,

STOP ACTING A FUCKING FOOL

Best regards,
Gamecat

8/13/2008 12:09:54 PM

Dear head gasket,

please say the machine shop warped you back together. this time don't get all cracked out, try to play nice with the rest of the engine.

respectfully,
bmd

8/13/2008 12:12:31 PM

Dear left shoe,

Why do you feel the need to always come untied?
The right one behaves perfectly, but you, damned rebel!

signed,

Fareako

8/13/2008 12:12:49 PM

Dear dress,

Please stop spreading apart and showing my bra/tits to the world. I would really appreciate it! I figured you'd be nice and I wouldn't have to take a safety pin to your ass, but I see you don't want to cooperate.

Love you,

Erica

8/13/2008 12:15:48 PM

Erica's Dress,

Disregard her pleas to stay together, remember our deal.

-bmd

8/13/2008 12:27:33 PM

Dear garbage,

Please take yourself out. I already took you out last week, what else do you want from me?

kthx

Vix

8/13/2008 1:19:47 PM

Dear Groceries,

Why haven't we reached a point in our relationship where you just show up? I haven't have the time to go out and get you, so we might need to reach some sort of arrangement. My fridge is empty, please come over

Misha

8/13/2008 2:44:58 PM

dear poop,

exit my body in an orderly fashion.

kthnx

8/13/2008 2:48:45 PM

Dear evil Migraine,
Why won't you leave? I spend lots of money on drugs and doctors and you still don't get the hint that you are not wanted. Please get the hint, pack yo shit up and just F'ing leave. Our relationship was going nowhere from the begining. I hate you more each day. you are ruining my life you evil b!tch. NOW GO!!!!!!

-G.O.D.

8/13/2008 3:15:54 PM

dear other person's croisants,
you are not mine, but I ate you anyways. you were flakey and kinda too oily,but you tasted good with jam. too bad for the other person.

8/14/2008 3:39:30 PM

Dear brand new right contact,

It was great making your acquaintance yesterday, but you overstayed your welcome. The left contact came right out, but I had to fight you for 40 minutes before you left my eye. I know you're new, but next time I try to take you out of my eye, just cooperate with me the first time.

With a regard or two,
Joe

8/14/2008 3:56:01 PM

Dear new office,

You suck compared to my old office

8/19/2008 11:59:16 AM

Dear Utz Smokin' Sweet Potato Chips,
You win, I'll never buy the Jalapeno flavored chips instead of you.

Sincerely,
BIGcementpond

9/8/2008 1:11:33 PM

Dear Cough,

Please to go away before I have to go on an airplane....

kthnx

LunaK

9/16/2008 12:56:31 PM

Dear Top cigarette tobacco,

You disgust me. We both knew that this was only temporary and it happened in a moment of weakness. I was finished with your kind but I let my guard down and here we are again. We both know that you'll never replace my ex, Camel Lights. The simple fact of the matter is you were cheap and you were there. Yeah we had some good times, but they can't continue. This relationship is bad for me and you're always getting burned so lets just put an end to it. P.S. You taste like shit you dried out old leaf!

-Snewf

9/16/2008 1:22:53 PM

dear heartburn, nausea, indigestion, upset stomach, and diarrhea : please last through plants and folklore... -z

9/16/2008 1:29:03 PM