look motherfuckers

a COUGH and GIS distress are NOT inanimate objects

they are ailments of the human body

there's a lot that is animate about that

fuck

9/16/2008 1:31:10 PM

dearest headache

a mi no me gustate.

if i speak to you in another language will you go away?

love always nichole

9/16/2008 1:37:38 PM

what the FUCK did I just say?

9/16/2008 1:40:40 PM

^ yea that was me ignoring it

9/16/2008 1:42:36 PM

well clearly you people at NC State can't tell the difference between your heads and a bag full of hair

9/16/2008 1:44:00 PM

dear pg 19,
nice to see you
and pls be inanimate. i dont want snewf to yell at me.
sighned,
your creator

9/16/2008 1:46:39 PM

I'm not yelling
I'm just saying

9/16/2008 1:48:12 PM

dear expensive breath-mint box,
why must you be made of metal?
you dig into my thigh and it hurts.

9/16/2008 2:16:06 PM

Dear Stock Market,

Really now? Really?

Best regards,
Investors

9/16/2008 2:18:06 PM

Dear titties,

plz make a jailbreak and free yourselves. I would like to see that very much.


FDT

Rob

9/20/2008 6:32:21 AM

Dear Terabyte Drives on Slickdeals,

Why can't you show up right on my payday? This month isn't a good month though, I'm trying to budget in a few different things. Lets make a deal, how about popping up on November 1st? If you'd kindly show up on a future payday I would totally buy you.

Enticed,

Misha

10/17/2008 9:59:13 PM

Dear Computer,

Stop being a piece of shit before I throw you out the window.

thnx

LunaK

10/29/2008 8:55:26 PM

dear voting process...i wish i coulda used a computer...woulda been easier to pick candidates instead of straight ticket

10/29/2008 8:56:19 PM

Dear gym,

I have missed you. Seriously. Despite having your fair share of no-life-having gym rats, I have forgotten my love for your overused treadmills and free weights. Now that I am a member of one of your 24-hour variety brethren, I shall be seeing a lot more of you.

One Love,
Sayer

10/29/2008 10:00:26 PM

dear belt,
don't be such an overachiever. even though i'm fatter than i used to be, doesn't mean i want my pants to be hiked up so much. chill out a little bit ok, give me a little slack
-qfred

11/3/2008 1:07:04 PM

dear Ornch Juice
why oh why do you give me teh stomach acids? i like your taste but you hurt me so good sometimes. how oh how can we work this out?

11/3/2008 1:22:28 PM

Dear hot wings,

Please visit my belly. She misses you

Love,

Erica

11/3/2008 1:23:26 PM

dear sock,
why did you let a big hole rip in you this morning? now every time i step, my foot touches the bottom of my shoe and i
jerk

11/20/2008 11:21:22 AM

dear spider solitare

4 suits

really?


i mean.... really?

plz prove to be possible, at all.

thnx

ps

11/20/2008 11:23:30 AM

Dear Mouse

quit being gay and jumping across the screen randomly

it took my 2 minutes click the 'send' tab on an email

if you keep it up you will be retired into my office weaponry box and serve as a mace against Carlos from OFAC

Sincerely, Slave

11/20/2008 11:33:00 AM

Dear House,

Please to clean up after yourself.
I do not know how to clean you properly.
I don't have a jobbie right now, so Patricia is not comming over to clean you.
I bought all of your cleaning products and cried because it's taken me days what she can do in hours and I'm still not finished.

11/20/2008 11:52:51 AM

dear thread,
plz to bump
thx, qfred

5/18/2009 9:32:42 AM

dear allergies.

i hate you. i feel like i'm going to die.

5/18/2009 9:40:11 AM

Dear Tussionex Pennkinetic,

I don't like how you make me feel, I don't see why other people would want to feel like this but I stopped coughing so I'm ok with you. You didn't need to be $55 for a bottle though, that's just uncalled for.

Fuzzily,

Misha

5/19/2009 8:07:02 PM

Dear Arm,

Stop twitching. It's getting really, really annoying.

kthx

6/2/2009 11:24:17 AM

Dear Microsoft Word:

you are really pissing me off right now. i'd like to be able to merge this document, but no, you'd like to keep crashing on me. fuck you!

lunak

6/24/2009 9:07:18 PM

dear wifebeaters,

I really hope this gimmick will work. I look pretty good in you, and i hope it motivates me to work out more.

Your helpless friend,

Josh

6/24/2009 9:14:12 PM

dear universe,

you've played some pretty good practical jokes on me thus far. in fact, my whole life has become one giant puddle of suck as of late. Isn't it time to give me a rest?


your fraend,

GREEN JAY

6/24/2009 9:31:43 PM

Dear McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Sandwich:

Thank you for being almost identical to the Chick-fil-a sandwhich.
You save me time because I don't have to wait in the
insanely long line at Chick-fil-a. I can pick you up in under 3 minutes.
You save me money, too.

Sincerely,
supercat329

6/29/2009 2:08:19 PM

Quote :

"Dear McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Sandwich: Thank you for being almost identical to the Chick-fil-a sandwhich. You save me time because I don't have to wait in the insanely long line at Chick-fil-a. I can pick you up in under 3 minutes. You save me money, too. Sincerely, supercat329"

OH THIS IS BULLSHIT MY SON!!

PROVE THIS SHYTE SON! I DEMAND IT OF YOU!!

6/29/2009 2:09:33 PM

dear fedex package,

please come early today. i really need some internets....

lunak

6/30/2009 8:34:56 AM

Dear 15-501,

I LOATHE YOU

~LK

7/1/2009 1:10:49 PM

Dear plane.
Plz take off kthx.
Grimx

7/1/2009 1:22:48 PM

Dear Photoshop,

Why are you saying that I can't save anything, and that everything I try to open is corrupted? I know they're good files. You know they're good files. I'm gonna reboot and try again, but if that doesn't work then it's time to uninstall and upgrade you.

Na mean?

Misha

7/12/2009 5:20:08 PM

Dear Apt,

Please clean yourself.

/Restricted

7/12/2009 5:21:36 PM

dear book,

please read by yourself and get all the info into my brain

thanks,
Tarun

7/12/2009 5:27:46 PM

k

7/12/2009 10:13:10 PM

Dear Pnumatic Chisel,
Maybe only now that I have sold you to a illegal immigrant construction worker for $5 you can understand how much I truly hate you. I hope he uses you to chisel dried feces off of an old septic truck.
Break and get thrown away, then go to poorly made tool hell.
Sincerely,
Paul

7/12/2009 10:48:57 PM

Dear United Airlines,


Please to give me a seat on this fucking flight. I just want to go home!

7/22/2009 10:13:11 AM

Dear Time,

If you don't mind, could you just speed yourself up a little? I mean, if we could just fast-forward to about 4:30 pm DST that would be fantastic. I know I shouldn't wish you away but srsly, you're taking sixty seconds for every minute?! Is that really necessary?

Thanks!

Jenna

7/22/2009 10:53:47 AM

Dear City Auto Salvage,

Please teach your inbred employees to read a fucking part number. Not once but twice you incoherent fucks gave me the wrong part for my car. I can understand the illiteracy, but not being able to match up a series of 7 digits is beyond comprehension.

Thanks and fuck you,

bassjunkie

7/24/2009 10:42:40 AM

Quote :

"Thank you DVR Remote Control, for your incredibly confusing response time. I push rewind five times and nothing happens, so I push it again and suddenly I'm all the way back to the beginning of the show, so I have to fast forward again... Why won't you just work, DVR remote? You're so confusing. Thank you."

-Jimmy Fallon

He missed the chance to post in this thread last Friday... so I'll post for him.

8/11/2009 10:52:00 AM

no shit. TWC's digital cable shit is doing stuff like that^ all the fucking time.

8/11/2009 10:54:13 AM

The remote he showed looked just like the TWC remote.

8/11/2009 10:58:52 AM

Dear life,

Why do you have to keep throwing curveballs at me? Is this supposed to be some sort of game you are playing with me? If so, where can I get my baseball bat so that I can play along with you. Oh wait, I suppose I'm supposed to buy one myself. So you are going to force me to play this game and require me to buy my own bat? This is rediculous. We both know in the end, you'll win because I'll just die. Or does that mean you lose because Death > Life. I mean, it kind of sucks either way because if you lose, then I lose. So this all means that I can't ever beat life. I even tried left left right right up down up down and nothing happened. IDKFA yielded no weapons or keys. That's what I need. I need a key. Limp Bizkit once asked, "Does anybody really know the secret? Or the combination for this life and where they keep it?" So where is this combination/key? I want to win. But I guess that makes me a loser since I can't win. But then, when you think about it, that would make EVERYONE a loser.

FML,

Stephen

8/11/2009 11:15:22 AM

Dear Costa sunglasses,

I hope that you have a safe journey to Florida for your repairs. If upon arrival the fine people see that you are beyond repair i want you to know that it's been a great 4 years. I know that I should want to keep you and replace your ear pieces and put in the 3rd set of lenses in the last 3 years, but i'm afraid the discounted price to receive a brand new pair makes that a hard decision. So if we shall part i just want you to know that you've been good to me and i'm sure your replacement will do just as well if not better.


thanks for saving my eyes many times,

Jeepin4x4

8/11/2009 11:48:59 AM

dear foot/ankle,

please to stop throbbing and tingling. it's really rather uncomfortable. oh and please to not have any significant damage, i'd like to not have to have surgery.

kthx

8/16/2009 10:28:13 PM

Dear Adderall,

I miss you.

♥ Spontaneous

8/16/2009 10:47:10 PM

Dear Mtn Dew,

I do you.

Roguewarrior

8/17/2009 2:16:59 AM

set em up

8/17/2009 2:19:13 AM