2

3/9/2007 1:27:45 PM

Quote :

"MAke sure if you decide to leave him to tell him why. Mine cut and ran out of nowhere and this has been the worst time of my life. Tell him your feelings and he will realize its for the best. It will suck for a while but it will get better."

i could never do that. that has been done to me and i struggled for a while trying to figure out what went wrong. i feel he already knows. i just got done talking to my mom, telling her how i feel and he called shortly after. he could tell i've been crying. he told me that if things got too deep that he'd understand, but i feel that's a front.

Quote :

"My only concern... Since you mentioned he has violence and drugs in his past there is always the possibility of driving him over the edge. Look after yourself and make sure you have a place to go if it comes to this."

i'm not concerned over my well-being as i am what he would do to himself or property (granted it's his house and if he punches a hole in the wall like he had a habit of years ago, that's his problem). I don't see him going back into his old lifestyle of using / dealing, but i do see him drinking himself into a stupor and being very very depressed. but I do have a few places to go.



[Edited on March 9, 2007 at 1:37 PM. Reason : eh, that doesn't need to be said]

3/9/2007 1:31:16 PM

get the hell out of it while you can


the more I think about it the more concerned I am for your safety


you have to do whats best for you, if it hurts now, it could hurt alot worse later

.

[Edited on March 9, 2007 at 1:55 PM. Reason : yep]

3/9/2007 1:39:25 PM

oh you saw that huh?

haha sorry, still slightly bitter. in fact, i've made poor dating decisions (with one exception) ever since we broke up. so i'm just going to say this is all your fault! j/k

3/9/2007 1:53:50 PM

well, I just want you to do what is good for you so you can be happy

you busted your ass to do well and get out of school and now this guy is dragging you down


I really am worried about this guy and what he may try to do

3/9/2007 1:57:15 PM

Cut him loose.

This guy is a total loser.

Just the other day I had a guy call and leave me a message on my voicemail, crying and carrying on about how he thought we were friends and what I bitch I had been to him and about how he'd shared his feelings with me and all his nonsense.

I texted his ass, "You're pathetic. Stop calling me."

Seriously, this dude you're dating is a loser through and through. And he's playing you on that. He's been playing women on that since he was 14 probably. I bet he's probably got other women feeling sorry for him too, ready to step up and help him solve his problems. Cut him loose; he'll be fine.

(I didn't read the thread. LOL)

[Edited on March 9, 2007 at 2:07 PM. Reason : VYup!]

3/9/2007 2:07:13 PM

sounds like emotional blackmail to me...get out and don't look back...

3/9/2007 2:07:29 PM

lol Bridget I don't know you, but i love you.

3/9/2007 2:13:48 PM

[Edited on March 9, 2007 at 2:20 PM. Reason : Sorry for being silly in your thread.]

3/9/2007 2:17:47 PM

It does sound like you have basically already made your decision. And I wish you the best of luck! I don't think that being in a relationship should pull either person down...you should bring out the best of eachother and rise to the top together...I hope that makes enough sense

[Edited on March 9, 2007 at 2:46 PM. Reason : .]

3/9/2007 2:31:17 PM

Love = unconditional acceptance





if you cant see yourself with someone long term, youre wasting your time


This is exactly the reason why you dont live with someone before marriage

its kool to spend every night together, as long as you have your own places

relationships take 2 independent people

hope this works out for you

3/9/2007 2:32:09 PM

I want to know why you want to leave him now? You've known he's had problems in his past and you say he's doing better. You say he's trying hard. In what way is he doing worse than you anticipated?

3/9/2007 2:41:33 PM

Because she doesn't see a future with him.

3/9/2007 2:52:46 PM

If he has such a bad past why does he have the kid and not the mom? Is the mom worse off than he is? If so then if you left him and he lost the kid then the kid would have to go to his mom's right?
Just trying to see if it would actually be better for the kid if he stays with him or goes to his mom's place.

3/9/2007 3:57:23 PM

Quote :

"if i leave, he will lose his house, won't have a car, any furniture, lose all hopes of gaining customdy of his son"

3/9/2007 4:04:12 PM

^ it sounds like he shouldnt have custody of the child, if that's the case

you wouldnt be helping the child to artificially prop up this guy so he could fool the courts into granting him custody.

if he's going to get custody of this child, HE NEEDS TO GET CUSTODY ON HIS OWN ABILITY. NOT YOURS.

the most important thing here is the kid. dont fuck that kid up.

3/9/2007 4:14:18 PM

I know where you're coming from. I recently got out of a relationship where I felt the other person REALLY needed me. I know she loved me to death, but dating this girl was one dramatic episode after another. After a while, I started feeling like the constant drama and negativity was bringing me down and making me just as miserable as she was.

I love her, but I had to let her go, because as fucked up as it sounds, I love myself more. I'm still in touch with her though. I even nursed her back to health after she had surgery, but I've made it clear that I have no desire to be in a relationship with her.

To me, it sounds like you know you should leave, but you don't know if you can handle the guilt. Guilt is no reason to stay in a relationship. Good luck with whatever you decide.

3/9/2007 4:18:24 PM

^^^ exactly. he only stays with us every other weekend and occasionallyduring the week.

Quote :

"If he has such a bad past why does he have the kid and not the mom? Is the mom worse off than he is? If so then if you left him and he lost the kid then the kid would have to go to his mom's right? "

well, honestly, the child NEEDS to be out of him mom's. he has missed EIGHTEEN days of school, 15 are unexcued. not to mention the way she talks to him and his brothers (which are not my boyfriend's children). She's a pillhead and we have heard rumors of her and her bf doing crack in the house. there are people in and out of the house constantly, often staying the night. she lets them watch things like Jackass 2. it's like serious issues and he really would be better off mentally living with my bf. I mean, the poor kid has seen his mom get beat and she encourages him to lie. his teacher has told us that there will be days where he will just cry at school. He wants to live with his dad, but she won't let him. It's sad cause he is such a good and well-behaved child, that i cannot imagine him doing the things DSS has told us has happened at his mom's.



[Edited on March 9, 2007 at 4:22 PM. Reason : probably WAAAY to much info to share]

3/9/2007 4:18:30 PM

Look, if you don't have the strength to deal with this you have to bail. It can get a lot worse before it gets better.

3/9/2007 4:21:44 PM

Quote :

"She's a pillhead and we have heard rumors of her and her bf doing crack in the house. there are people in and out of the house constantly, often staying the night.... I mean, the poor kid has seen his mom get beat "

good lord, you need to call social services.



[Edited on March 9, 2007 at 4:26 PM. Reason : ]

3/9/2007 4:25:13 PM

uhhh and we HAVE.

hence why we have been trying to get custody. We got DSS on speed dial like woah.

just when we think that she's fucked up majorly and we will get custody (ie. when she skipped court after failing to comply to her probabtion) she'll start complying with the court issued thinsg she has to do (like parenting classes, peeing a cup... which we've heard they make the kids do)

[Edited on March 9, 2007 at 4:31 PM. Reason : .]

3/9/2007 4:30:34 PM

look im gonna tell you publically what i told you privately.

you need professional help. you need to get proper advice from legal, medical, and social experts.

if you cant afford private help, go to the County Mental Health and Department of Social Services. they offer outpatient on sliding scale.

go there and take your boyfriend, whether or not you plan to stay with him. if he wont go get help with you then he's a lost cause. you still need to go yourself, and make serious plans to separate from him.

this is not an issue to be diagnosed by TWW Lounge psychiatrists.

quit being self centered. this is no longer about you.

this is about the life and future of a 6 year old child. within 2 or 3 years, it will be too late.

3/9/2007 4:32:38 PM

again...

we have been to DSS and speak with her social worker on a constant basis. if we can't even afford to keep the bills up, then we certainly can't afford legal assistance right now. we keep playing things by ear b/c we don't know what else to do really. I love that child more than anything and want nothing but the best for him, but i can't force the system to take him out of his mother's hands.

DSS said that they were reccomending that he, his 2 brothers (one is hers with her current bf, one is her bf's from a previous relationship) get a mental evalution. and some of the information we got i question the reliability (such as the crack smoking) of the source because they do not have custody of their own son and that raises questions.


and finally, how am I being self-centered when my main concern is the welfare of those that I love?? As much as I love my bf and his son, it is, and has been dragging me down. I thought I could fix things but I can't. I'm not a flippin miracle worker. Someone else's child should not be the reason for me to stay a relationship where I am constantly stressed and question my happiness. I chose to wait to have kids for a reason.

[Edited on March 9, 2007 at 4:43 PM. Reason : .]

3/9/2007 4:40:01 PM

I mean this in the nicest way, but the guy sounds like a loser. There are TONS of nice guys out there.

It basically boils down to your bf needs to pick himself up. If he knows what his problems are, and you've told him what his problems are, and have really tried to help him solve those problems, then there's nothing more you can do.

[Edited on March 9, 2007 at 4:48 PM. Reason : birds of a feather...]

3/9/2007 4:48:25 PM

i dont think you should stay with him.

i think you should cut him loose.

talk to him openly and honestly.

and give him 2 months.

its sad about the kid.

i wish you the best of luck.

3/9/2007 4:49:44 PM

i just really wish money wasn't involved b/c that would make the situation different. it's sad, but true, that money makes the world go round and I just can't keep living this way. it's just breaking my heart that it has come to this.

3/9/2007 4:54:01 PM

anyways, I'm leaving now. For all of those who PM'd me their prersonal stories thanks for opening up and helping me feel less alone. To those who tried to give constructive criticism (be it good or bad), I appreciate your input. And of those who had dickish things to say just to be an ass, you know where you can stick it.

If you're religious, please pray for me this weekend to make the right decision that will cause the least amount of pain for everyone involved (or for me to win the lottery one).

I truly appreciate all of your input and will take it all to heart.

3/9/2007 5:02:30 PM

To go to UNC or UVA to get my PhD in pharmacology. I have not yet made this decision, and all sensible opinions are welcomed.

3/9/2007 5:06:43 PM

i was thinking about having secks with this chick, but she is pretty psycho. she just propositioned me last night, but i also thought she might just freak out and kill me. but i havent been laid in a while. but my life isnt that great anyway. well, you get the point... i turned it down.

3/9/2007 5:14:36 PM

Quote :

"once you've got him up and running to the best of your ability, you leave. in the process you may find that you leave a number of your assets in his possession simply because he needs them, you can more readily replace them, and you care enough about him to give them to him."

3/9/2007 9:47:50 PM

I hope things work out for you

you're a good person, you don't deserve this crap

3/10/2007 2:19:44 AM

http://www.foxnews.com/wires/2007Mar10/0,4670,BusinessShooting,00.html

you're next.

[Edited on March 10, 2007 at 10:32 AM. Reason : /]

3/10/2007 10:30:38 AM

Quote :

"you're a good person, you don't deserve this crap"

She doesn't? It sounds like she knew exactly what she was getting into. She knew he had kids, money problems, etc. It's not like things have gotten worse or he treats her bad. Now she's tired of dealing with it all and wants us to justify her decision and tell her she's a good person.

3/10/2007 11:36:25 AM

Leave him. You arent doing him any good this way.

3/10/2007 11:54:19 AM

^^ Good point, sounds like she got got herself into a situation she knew wasn't all that good, now she wants out...

3/10/2007 12:01:24 PM

A relationship should make the couple better than the sum of their parts. If you aren’t both better off because of the relationship, and don’t see it returning to that, then I think leaving would be best… although in as cordial a way as is possible in this situation. All relationships have rough patches, but not rough permanents. If it can return to something that makes you both better off, then I’d work at it if you are still in love.


As far as tough decisions go.

I’ve had breaks up too, luckily never with a kid in the picture for obvious reasons.

Whether or not to come out while I was in high school in Mt Airy (aka mayberry).

Whether or not to hold hands on campus at state after having people yell faggot and swerve their cars a little too close for comfort while going to class.

Whether or not to go to a grandparents funeral (there are more details there than I’m getting into just now).

At work I have to regularly decide which pet can come into our vet clinic for emergency situations, and which ones to send to a better equipped emergency facility which is farther away which can cost valuable time/being involved in a lot of peoples decisions while considering euthanasia process for their pets.

Whether or not to hide my lack of belief in christianity while working for a christian boss who invites employees to church… when I was fairly new and up for a raise.

I’m sure there are others, but those are just what come to mind right away. In the end I think you have to live your life even if others are pressuring you otherwise. Just try to tune out the directions your father or boyfriend are pushing you, and make the best objective decision you can, even if it is a hard one.

3/10/2007 12:47:32 PM

I'm still trying to make it. Do I stay in Chicago and try to tough it out going to school 45 miles out of the city, or do I return to New Orleans and hammer out my degree without paying excessive out-of-state fees?

3/10/2007 12:58:31 PM

breaking up with my ex.

3/10/2007 1:07:42 PM

Oh one thing I forgot to say before, I'll keep you in my thoughts.

And should the yield any fruitful advice I'll be sure to share it.

3/10/2007 1:48:47 PM

Quote :

"She doesn't? It sounds like she knew exactly what she was getting into. She knew he had kids, money problems, etc. It's not like things have gotten worse or he treats her bad. Now she's tired of dealing with it all and wants us to justify her decision and tell her she's a good person. "

yeah, exactly what I said

I know her, she is better than this

3/10/2007 1:54:13 PM

breaking up with my ex

3/10/2007 2:14:12 PM

condom or bareback???


always a tough decision

3/10/2007 2:50:48 PM

Go with your gut.

3/10/2007 7:17:32 PM

Quote :

"hardest decision you've had to make? "

Paper or Plastic. That one gets me EVERYTIME!

3/10/2007 7:58:32 PM

This should not be the hardest decision you'll have to make.... and definitely doesn't compare to pulling the plug on life support.

Some people use their past as an excuse for people to stick to them like glue for security and put them in a position that guilts them into staying... Others use bad things that happened to show them the life that they no longer want - and move past it, making constant efforts to make sure no one around them has to feel the way they've felt & that it isn't a revolving door.

You are better than that, deserve better than that, and I am sorry that your emotions for someone are blocking your ability to see reason at the moment, but you'll be so relieved when it doesn't consume your life too - it's far worth it.

Get out, while it's still 'easy'
It could definitely be worse.

3/10/2007 7:59:36 PM

Quote :

"well, honestly, the child NEEDS to be out of him mom's. he has missed EIGHTEEN days of school, 15 are unexcued. not to mention the way she talks to him and his brothers (which are not my boyfriend's children). She's a pillhead and we have heard rumors of her and her bf doing crack in the house. there are people in and out of the house constantly, often staying the night. she lets them watch things like Jackass 2. it's like serious issues and he really would be better off mentally living with my bf. I mean, the poor kid has seen his mom get beat and she encourages him to lie. his teacher has told us that there will be days where he will just cry at school. He wants to live with his dad, but she won't let him. It's sad cause he is such a good and well-behaved child, that i cannot imagine him doing the things DSS has told us has happened at his mom's."

it sucks that thw children will turn out to be crackheads and crackwhores also.

AND THE CYCLE REPEATS.

i am all for forced sterilization.

3/10/2007 9:07:18 PM

To wait for the double doors to open so that I could walk down the aisle or to pick up my skirts and run like hell.

I waited and walked. So glad that I did because my husband kicks ass.

3/10/2007 10:18:09 PM

it should have been a harder decision to bring your personal shit to tww but you did it pretty easily

3/10/2007 11:34:19 PM

Quote :

"She doesn't? It sounds like she knew exactly what she was getting into. She knew he had kids, money problems, etc. It's not like things have gotten worse or he treats her bad. Now she's tired of dealing with it all and wants us to justify her decision and tell her she's a good person."

I knew of the obstacles that had to be overcome when I got involved. I thought I was prepared for them and that I could handle the pressure, but I can't. I'm not looking for anyone to tell me I'm a good person, I know that I am at heart, but my heart is the problem. I think too much with it instead of my head. I know I can be naive when it comes to certain matters, and I am just like my mom thinking I can "fix" someone. I know now I can't and now I just need to ties all the loose ends before things come to a screeching halt.

Quote :

"This should not be the hardest decision you'll have to make.... and definitely doesn't compare to pulling the plug on life support. "

well i'm sure there will be other difficult decisions, but so far this is the hardest emotionally. and no, it certainly does not, and will never compare to pulling the plug, that was not what I was trying to say. I know that there are millions of people who go through things that are much harder than this everyday.

Quote :

"You are better than that, deserve better than that, and I am sorry that your emotions for someone are blocking your ability to see reason at the moment, but you'll be so relieved when it doesn't consume your life too - it's far worth it."

i know this now and am prepared to do what needs to be done when the moment is right.

Quote :

"it should have been a harder decision to bring your personal shit to tww but you did it pretty easily"

actually it was quite easy since very few people on here know me on a personal level. it was quite the kick in the ass i needed to get me motivated to do what needs to be done.

I sat down this weekend and came up with a plan. I'm staying for a short while longer, until after his birthday at least, but no longer than 4/1. During this time I'm going to pay all I can on the existing bills. When I leave, I am signing the title of my old car (my mom gave me hers a few months back) over to him (but dropping the insurance) so that he has a way back and forth to work to provide for his child. I'm taking my larger furniture items, such as the bed (there is another bed in the house), the living room furniture (i pay for that directly through my work), and my television. I'm leaving the washing machine and dryer, microwave, and all the kitchen appliances that we accumalated together. I plan on staying with my mom for a few months. While I'm there I'm going to save money, tithe and pray. I'm also going to join a gym and eat healthier. Once I've saved up enough (goal is by August / Sept) I'm going to move to Raleigh. If I don't have a job in Raleigh by then, then I'm sure my current boss will let me work in one of our stores until I find something.

I just have to make a complete life change. I've been holding myself back for too long. The only reason I've stayed where I am is b/c of him, my parents and my best friend. My mother just recently married and my dad doesn't even live in the same town. Plus, it's not far from home, so I can visit whenever. Several friends from college live in Raleigh now, and a few more are moving there soon. There's better job opportunities and more to do as well.

3/12/2007 12:02:20 PM

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3/12/2007 1:27:00 PM