2

2/6/2009 2:14:10 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was taking the elevator down with a group of people. It stopped on the 2nd floor and I said "What asshole can't take the steps from the 2nd floor?" Then a kid in a wheelchair got on. FML"

2/6/2009 3:32:09 PM

i probably read 30 pages of these today

2/6/2009 5:34:46 PM

Quote :

"Today, while I was trying to take off my eye make up, I accidently used nail polish remover. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I logged onto facebook to realize that my boyfriend is now listed as single. News to me. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I was passing a building and saw a fat, ugly person inside. I started to laugh and noticed it was my reflection. FML"

Quote :

"Today, my mom was telling me a funny story about when I was young, I said 'yea I was funny huh?' and she proceeded to say 'yep, I had a funny one and a pretty one'. FML"

Quote :

"Today, My roommate texted me and warned me to be careful on the stairs leading to our place because they were icy. I got the message. After I fell down an entire flight of stone stairs. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I really had to use the airplane lavatory and afterwards the flight attendants continuously sprayed air freshener for ten minutes. FML"

2/7/2009 7:51:33 PM

Wow. I finished that whole website.

2/7/2009 8:04:28 PM

Quote :

"Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML"

2/7/2009 10:41:34 PM

Today I went to Burger King and they handed me a burger with an ice cold patty

2/7/2009 11:04:53 PM

2/7/2009 11:11:09 PM

Quote :

"Today, I sang at a retirement home with my school choir. Afterward we went to speak to the old people, just to get to know them a little. The first woman I shake hands with ask "Are you a boy or a girl?" FML"

2/7/2009 11:12:41 PM

Quote :

"Today, the creepy skin care guy at the mall with the heavy accent asked me if I was pregnant. When I said no he replied "Oh, too many donuts then?" FML"

Quote :

"Today, the alarm on my phone went off. I picked it up, hit snooze, and dropped it back on my desk without looking. I woke up an hour later to find to that I had dropped it directly in a full glass of water. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I thought I was going on a date. About 20 minutes into it, after giving her my arm to hold (like a true gentleman) it came up in conversation that my brother is gay. Her response: "oh, so both you and your brother are gay?" FML"

Quote :

"Today, I tried hallucinogenic mushrooms for the first time with my friend. Little did I know, they last for around 6 hours, and I had class at 3, when I had to give a presentation in front of 30 people. FML"

2/7/2009 11:13:34 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML"

2/7/2009 11:22:37 PM

LOL, this site is great.

Quote :

"Today, I was walking down the street with my newly healed implants, when a drag queen approached me and asked who my doctor was, because I was the "most convincing transgender he had ever seen." I'm a woman. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I went looking for a childhood doll - I remembered that my mum kept her in her bedside cabinet. I could see the doll at the back, but there was stuff in the way, so I reached in and took some of it out, only to find I was holding one of my mum's toys... a big black rubber cock. FML"

Quote :

"Today, as my boyfriend was trying to convince me that he was not having an affair with another woman named Julie, he looked me in the eye and exclaimed, "I would never cheat on you, I love you more than anything, Julie". FML"

Quote :

"Today, I called the campus police to give me a ride to the cafeteria since I am on crutches from knee surgery. I was only halfway into the car when the man started driving and ran over my foot. Now neither my right knee or my left foot work. FML"

2/7/2009 11:25:26 PM

Quote :

"Today, I discovered a drawer in my house of chocolates, cookies, and baked goods. When I asked my sister what the drawer was, she told me that my mom thought it would be a good idea to hide the fattening foods from me. My entire family had known about the food drawer except me. FML"

2/7/2009 11:26:47 PM

Quote :

"Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said "That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream." FML"

2/7/2009 11:29:12 PM

Quote :

"Today, I noticed a prospective employer I had been networking with changed her last name on her e-mail signature. I wished the aquaintence congratulations on her new marriage. Her divorce was finalized this week. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I went to my boyfriend’s work to surprise him. When I got there, I called him on his phone to tell him to turn around. I saw him look at his phone. His co-worker next to him asked who that was. He replied, “Just this fat chick I know”. FML"

2/7/2009 11:30:20 PM

Quote :

"Today, I am staying with my grandmother and overheard her having phone sex. FML"

2/7/2009 11:49:23 PM

O_o

2/7/2009 11:50:13 PM

Quote :

"Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I took a picture for my photography course of a random adorable couple kissing in the snow. Later, upon closer inspection, I realized that the guy was my boyfriend. FML"

2/7/2009 11:50:27 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was at my friend's younger brother's birthday party, who also happens to be deaf. His father gave him a bat and a blindfold and the boy started swinging away at what he thought was the pinata. Unfortunately, he could not see or hear anyone shouting to stop hitting his father."

2/7/2009 11:57:35 PM

Quote :

"Today, I slept with this new guy for the first time. After sex, he said the doggie style postion was fun, it reminded him what it would be like to rape a girl. FML"

2/8/2009 12:05:39 AM

Quote :

"Today, I got stuck in an elevator for 2 hours with my boyfriend and the guy that I have been secretly having sex with for 6 months. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I went out on a date with a girl for the first time. I opened her car door for her and then slammed her leg in it upon closing. She will be in a cast for 6 weeks. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I sent my boyfriend some nude pics of me. Later I get a text from my dad asking me when I had gotten a tatoo. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I was playing with 3 kids I look after. The middle one has just learned about sex and started chanting that I had done it with the eldest as a joke. We were in the garden and the neighbours heard. Now I am fired, have to leave the house and am being investigated by the police. FML"

Quote :

"Today, a girl I've had a huge crush on for a long time told another friend of ours to get a life. I, in my infinite genius responded that her mom needed to get a life. She ran out of the room bawling. I got slapped in the face and informed that her mom had died not long ago. FML"

2/8/2009 12:31:17 AM

Quote :

"Today, I was looking at porn on my laptop when my mom came into my room to talk to me. After she finished what she was saying, she paused and said "you know I can see the reflection of your computer screen in your glasses". FML"

2/8/2009 12:36:17 AM

Quote :

"Today, I woke up after fooling around with this guy and we used whipped cream. I didn't shower right after and it started to feel uncomfortable down there. I discovered that maggots had formed in the whipped cream residue. FML"

2/8/2009 11:16:47 PM

Quote :

"Today, I got fired because of the assault charges filed by a police officer that I hit while I was unconscious having a seizure. FML"

2/11/2009 2:35:43 PM

Quote :

"Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didnt pick up hers."

2/11/2009 2:53:56 PM

Quote :

"Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML"

2/13/2009 5:17:56 PM

Quote :

" Today, I found a bone in my sandwich. It was a veggie burger. FML"

2/13/2009 6:06:16 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home and I was calling bingo numbers. And one woman stood up and started making noises, I asusmed she had won and I started clapping. She then fell on the floor and died of a heart attack. I essentially applauded her death. FML"

2/13/2009 6:33:24 PM

^i love that one

Quote :

"Today, I took my friend to buy a pregancy test. She took it and it came out negative. I decided to re-pee on it to be funny...it turned to positive. FML"

2/13/2009 7:55:43 PM

Quote :

"Today, I was pestering a co-worker, so she jokingly stated "I'll bury you!" and I replied "I'll bury your mom!". Her moms funeral was last week. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I told my mom I was excited my boobs were getting bigger. She told me that that's what happens when you get fat. FML"

Quote :

"Today, My boyfriend dumped me because he said the relationship was too tough for him. When I asked for an example he responded "Like, I don't have enough time to play World of WarCraft." FML"

Quote :

"Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets. FML"

Quote :

"Today, campus security called to inform me that my car had been in an accident. I rushed down to the security office to find most of the officers laughing. A portable john blew over on to my car and smashed my rear window. Now, security calls me "Port-A-Potty Guy," and my car smells like shit. FML"

2/13/2009 8:20:14 PM

Quote :

"Today, I drunk dialed my mom and told her I was so high and drunk that I thought the KGB was coming after me. When I woke up this morning, my mom told me that she's no longer paying for college. FML"

2/21/2009 4:38:12 PM

Quote :

"Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML"

2/23/2009 12:27:37 PM

Quote :

"Today, I saw a girl texting at school. I told her she might want to put her phone away before she got a detention. She turned around and I saw she was changing her insulin level on her pump. She has diabetes. FML "

2/23/2009 1:07:11 PM

^that one is not that bad

2/23/2009 1:09:50 PM

2/23/2009 3:44:39 PM

Quote :

"Today, after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I tell him he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from those 70s movies, right down to the pimp-walk. He tells me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML"

2/24/2009 12:58:02 AM

Quote :

"Today, I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who I was told was sick. I said I didn't know what to get her, so just to send her something nice. I got a call from my mom calling me an inconsiderate bastard. They sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimers. FML"

2/24/2009 3:19:24 AM

Quote :

"Today, I was recorded a video for my friend on her wall, I forgot to click "stop recording" and got undressed for a shower. When I got out of the shower I noticed I hadn't posted it. A few minutes later I started getting a lot of notifications. Everyone was commenting on my nude video. FML"

tww, your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to find this video

2/28/2009 2:05:47 PM

FML

2/28/2009 3:24:55 PM

Quote :

"Today, I overheard my daughter compliment my mother by saying "My mom is way flabbier than you, Grandma." When I told her later that she hurt my feelings, she told me to "man up." She's seven. FML"

3/2/2009 1:03:14 PM

FML

3/15/2009 4:33:10 PM

Today, yet another FML thread was created on tww

3/16/2009 2:52:02 AM

^^^,^^^^^^Best so far.

3/16/2009 3:49:12 AM

Quote :

"Today, my Christian boyfriend of six months broke up with me. I had told him when we started dating that I was an atheist, and he just now decided to look up what it is. He gave me a bible. FML"

Quote :

"Today, I yelled at my spouse in front of 20 guests for not coming to blow out his birthday cake candles. Turns out he was in the other room, quietly changing his disabled friend's diaper. FML"

3/16/2009 3:57:54 AM

Quote :

"Today, I found out I won a 20 000 or 30 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML"

3/16/2009 3:58:54 AM

Quote :

"Today, my friends and I were drinking boba. On the side of the cup it said "Please drink carefully to avoid choking on the Boba". I started to laugh at the ridiculousness of the label, and proceeded to choke on the boba in a coughing fit. FML"

3/16/2009 4:05:33 AM

FML

3/16/2009 7:31:04 PM

Quote :

"Today, my mother called me and told me that she went to the hospital. This wasn't a surprise 'cos she normally goes to the hospital for the smallest things. So, I was a smart ass and asked, "What now? You finally have lung cancer from all those cigarettes?" Apparently, she does. FML"

3/17/2009 4:15:32 AM

Quote :

"Today, I found a bell that had been tied into the tassel of my ski hat by my twin sister as part of a longstanding prank war between us. I'm deaf and have apparently been jingling like an elf for over a week. FML"

3/20/2009 8:05:33 PM

set em up

3/20/2009 8:07:56 PM