2

5/5/2010 1:18:48 PM

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

---

I was leaving the neighbour's house today as their kid was coming in. I looked at him and said, "Well, it's Harry Potter."

He replied, "Very clever - because of the glasses?"

"No, I just murdered your parents."

5/7/2010 1:48:43 AM

lol'd at #2

5/7/2010 1:50:39 AM

Just because someone plugs their keyboard into a speaker plug doesn't make them an idiot.

That's just stereotyping.

5/8/2010 2:32:38 AM

Q: What's the difference between a Beaver and a Badger?

A: About 30 years

5/9/2010 10:25:50 PM

Two Bad Puns

Mathematical puns are the first sine of madness.

You can't just be cremated, you have to urn it.

5/11/2010 12:17:27 AM

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

5/13/2010 1:13:03 AM

^(/)_-)

5/13/2010 3:20:40 AM

.../\/\
..(^_^)
<(____)>

Can it be huz time now?

5/13/2010 3:29:22 AM

Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2010, it will begin offering customers a new discount item - Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas. "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
09. White Trashfindel
08. Big Red Gulp
07. World Championship Riesling
06. NASCARbernet
05. Chef Boyardeaux
04. Peanut Noir
03. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
02. Grape Expectations
01. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or dark meat (Squirrel.) Watch for it in 2010!

5/16/2010 12:26:24 PM

Gary Coleman's death has most definitely shocked all of us.
Now we'll never know what Willis was talking about.

5/30/2010 1:23:47 AM

My boss said, "Apparently, if you add a bit of humour to the work place, it brightens up people's moods."
I said, "Really?"

He replied, "Yeah.. Knock knock."

I said, "Who's there?"

He replied, "Not you tomorrow, you're fired."

6/3/2010 8:01:32 AM

BP Twitter Feed
Under water robots lowering over-sized Mexican sombrero onto leak.
8:56 AM June 3rd via web

Bubble gum not holding, switching to Big League Chew.
11:29 AM May 26th via web

MacGyver on scene – was given paper clip, drinking straw and sparkle glue. Leak should be fixed shortly.
8:20 PM May 21th via web

Left message at Roto-Rooter emergency hot line, waiting for call back.
4:17 PM May 20th via web

Ultra absorbent tampon not holding leak, pulling string and re-strategizing.
12:29 PM May 18th via web

***



call center conversations!

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1200 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Inquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off the sign.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: 'Can you find me the company named "Woven"?
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland .'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from
a phone box told a worried operator:

'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'

6/9/2010 12:04:27 AM

New Golf Terms
A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight but wasn't.

A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.

A 'Yasser Arafat' - ugly and in the sand.

A 'Rodney King' - you over-clubbed.

An 'O.J.'- you got away with one.

A 'Princess Grace' - you should have used a driver.

A 'Princess Di' - you should not have used your driver.

A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little bit to the right.

A 'Nancy Pelosi' - way left and out-of-bounds.

A 'Ted Kennedy' - your ball goes into the water and then jumps out.

A `Tiger Woods' - you played the wrong hole!

---
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this,' and she goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'

The blonde says, 'I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!'

6/11/2010 10:42:44 AM

I'd just come out of a Super Market with a roasted chicken, french fries, large chips, and a 12 pack of beer. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.'
I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power.'

6/22/2010 12:31:39 AM

TALKING CLOCK

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's with that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

6/29/2010 11:27:31 PM

epic septuple post

6/29/2010 11:29:11 PM

"I've got butterflies in my stomach because I ate a cocoon quesadilla."
Thank you, Mr. Colbert.

Annnnnd we've got a c-c-c-c-combo breaker!

6/29/2010 11:32:21 PM

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old tall, tan and terrific "hoochie-mamma" who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

7/15/2010 12:55:22 AM

Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.
"Ok," I said, "you can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."

7/21/2010 4:34:02 PM

"The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car is fine.'"
—Jimmy Fallon
---

"BP CEO Tony Hayward said recently, 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that too ... and make me clean it up."
—Craig Ferguson

---
After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor’s boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear, dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. “It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age.” the neighbor said. “Sexuality my ass!” The mother yelled. “He took out her appendix!”

7/30/2010 1:31:03 AM

hahahaha, i dont think i've visited this thread before

7/30/2010 8:03:47 AM

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

8/6/2010 12:56:45 PM

Laws We All Live Under
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

8/7/2010 1:29:48 AM

8/7/2010 1:32:58 AM

Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town. Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of money. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of money every day and I don't?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"

Jose's sign reads: "Need money to get back to Mexico."

8/11/2010 11:55:03 PM

AVIATION RULES AND REMINDERS

* Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. Unless you keep pulling the stick back...then they get bigger again.

* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

* The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

* The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

* Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly -- they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

* Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

* The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as co-pilot is a co-pilot who once was a captain.

* It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

* A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

* Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fire hydrant what it thinks about dogs.

8/11/2010 11:55:44 PM

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .

Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out that her husband is a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live inJersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

Samantha says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

8/13/2010 5:47:01 PM

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, But do you really know the difference between them? There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still Cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the matter. Medically, speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

8/14/2010 5:20:46 PM

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down here? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up and said to the Marine, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

8/16/2010 6:21:45 AM

Look at your status, now look at mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine, But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You're on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like. I'm on a computer.

8/17/2010 6:10:15 PM

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our church pot-luck dinner last night by 1 point!
... Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is *Fiji Islands*

8/19/2010 11:47:21 PM

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:

Have a protective booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case closed!

I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..."

---

A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says Prophets are going through the roof.

8/19/2010 11:48:34 PM

So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing Obama is talking about... Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop?

8/29/2010 2:31:57 AM

-Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
-We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
-My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
-When in doubt, mumble.
-Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
-A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
-Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. Ugly too.
-My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're -I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
-There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
-I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
-I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
-You're never too old to learn something stupid.
-You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
-A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
-Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
-Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
-If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
-Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

8/29/2010 2:36:41 AM

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”

The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”

“Whoa,” replied the first woman. “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”

9/1/2010 12:04:09 AM

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

Apparently, I'm not welcome back at KFC.

9/1/2010 12:04:43 AM

A guy goes into a bar and orders 12 shots. The barman asks him if he celebrating something.
"Yeah" says the fellow, "my first Blow Job."

"Well" says the barman, "That's pretty special. Let me give you one more, on the house!"

"Nah" says the guy. "If 12 shots don't take the taste out of my mouth, then nothing will."

9/2/2010 7:52:59 AM

An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?"

The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."
Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?"

"Fabulous," the old man said. "I've came three times already."

"That's great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."

"Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet."

9/2/2010 7:54:15 AM

I recently realized that if I had given my exes as much attention as I had given my PlayStation...I probably wouldn't be playing my PlayStation right now.

...but then I probably wouldn't be 10th prestige on C.O.D so it balances out.

9/4/2010 1:05:30 AM

So this kid walks into a whorehouse, trailing a smashed frog on a leash behind him. He asks the madame, "Lady, do you have any girls here who are sick? You know what I mean."

The madame raises an eyebrow and says, "Yeah, why?"

"I want to see her."

"Do you have any money?"

The kid lays a fat roll of bills on the counter. The madame shrugs and takes him back to see one of the nastier girls. As the kid is in there, curiosity starts to get to her. Finally, when he comes out she can't take it anymore -- she says, "Kid, we've got all kinds of clean girls here, why did you want that one?"

"Well, I figure if she's sick, now I'm sick. And if I'm sick, soon Father O'Malley will get sick. And if he gets sick, it's a matter of time before he gets my mom sick, and if she gets sick, she'll give it to the mailman, and he's the son of a bitch that ran over my frog."

---

The doorbell rings and the woman at home answers. "Telegram, miss." The guy tries to hand her a document.

"Ooooh, is it a singing telegram?"

"No, ma'am, just regular."

"Oh, but I've always wanted a singing telegram!"

"Ma'am, I just don't feel like it would be appropriate."

"Pleeeeeaase? I'll give you a big tip."

The guy shrugs, looks at the letter, and says, "Bum-bum-bum Danny and the kids are dead."

9/4/2010 1:43:47 AM

A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, "Apples $5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive.
The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here, try one."
The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a sweet jelly.
The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each."
The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow, these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and a rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.
The farmer says, "Now, if you really like those, I've got some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy apples."
The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says, "YUCK, these taste like shit!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around."

9/8/2010 9:40:52 PM

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son," the father shark said to the son shark, and they swam toward the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

9/9/2010 5:29:31 PM

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.
'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..

'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'

9/9/2010 5:29:59 PM

9/11/2010 9:53:11 AM

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

9/12/2010 11:19:33 AM

When I was little, my mother used to give me two dollars and send me down to the corner market (Joe's, it was called, on Temple Street.) I'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, a pound of Maxwell House Coffee, a small bag of powdered donuts, 6 eggs, a can of Crisco, a box of Velveeta, a can of sardines, some Nabisco Saltines, a quart of milk, and a handful of penny candy. You can't do that nowadays -- too many fuckin' security cameras!

9/14/2010 11:56:32 PM

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

9/14/2010 11:57:19 PM

I've been told I have the body of a god.

Shame it's Buddah.

9/17/2010 1:15:17 AM

The CIA have infiltrated a message sent by islamic terrorist about their plan to cause panic and disruption by inserting explosives in sex toys being distributed to sex shops. A police spokesperson has issued a statement saying, "Beware of blow-up dolls."

9/18/2010 2:28:17 AM