Quote :

"jammed out with her clam out"

4/6/2010 10:31:01 PM

I said my piece about birth control, but I never shared my opinion about the actual situation.

You're 26. She's 24 and has a 2 year-old. There's nothing wildly unusual or necessarily that difficult about that situation. Plus, you guys have chemistry!

Unless you know for sure that you can't handle a kid, then I'm sure she would appreciate you giving it a shot with her. Of course, she might say that you have to know for sure that you can handle a kid before your proceed, and in that case, you have a decision to make. But until then, you should play it by ear and enjoy the chemistry. You're a smart guy and warning signs will reveal themselves if they're there.

I think the fact that people freak out about non-traditional situations (one that's not so non-traditional anymore) prevents some love connections that could turn out to be fantastic romances.



In fact, our obsession with paper-perfect relationships doesn't just prevent love connections, it makes for some awful relationships. It's like...oh, he has a college degree, a good job, no kids, shares my views on religion/politics...sure, he has bad credit, but we can work on it. And after four years of pursuing the paper-perfect relationship and working on the credit situation, they realize...oh shit, he doesn't really care about and respect me the way I need him to.

We are so preoccupied with this one set of qualities that we totally miss the shit that matters. I cannot count the number of hours I've spent debating the desirability of a man's occupation with girlfriends only to learn that the guys were totally incompatible or not interested in my friends in the first place.

4/6/2010 11:11:05 PM

Judging from the last time I looked at internet dating once you start dating women in the 26+ age bracket a whole lot of them have children.

Actually I did date a girl with a child when I was 25 and she 5 years younger. At the time I was a bit weirded out about the situation even though I had crazy fun with the girl. I didn't consider her long term material b/c I had little interest in the kid and did not at all want anything to do with the baby-daddy. In the end we moved to separate parts of the country and the situation resolved itself naturally. But now if I met someone like here I don't think it would be such a big deal for me.

4/6/2010 11:26:29 PM

Quote :

"We are so preoccupied with this one set of qualities that we totally miss the shit that matters."

Here's some shit that matters. You're dating someone with a kid, and their shithead ex is always in the picture and part of being with that person is having to deal with their ex for the duration of the relationship because of the kid.

That is not some trivial shit that you can just 'get past.' That's some bullshit baggage that's in your face constantly.

But like I said earlier, if the baby daddy's dead (like, he got cancer and died, not shot during a drug deal) or very clearly permanently out of the picture, I could see it as a workable situation.

It's not really the kid that's the issue but the fact that a person tends to surround themselves with shitty people. Similarly, if I meet a girl's friends, and they are all druggies, or going nowhere in life, I'd peace out of that situation. The people you surround yourself have a huge influence on the type of person that you are.

4/7/2010 8:35:38 AM

^ This.

4/7/2010 9:14:39 AM

^^You mean the baby has a father?!?!?!

HOLY SHIT, I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT HOW THAT MIGHT COMPLICATE THINGS!

My mind is so blown by your wisdom right now.

I mean, it's not like I used the phrase "warning signs" in my post or anything.

I just feel so stupid. Obviously, I should have used my post to rehash all the possible problems listed on the first page of this thread because there just isn't enough attention given to the potential difficulties associated with dating a single mother these days.



Also, you're old, dude. You don't "meet girls" anymore. You meet women, and unless you're fucking retarded, they're already "going somewhere in life" and not "druggies." And hopefully they have husbands. And you and your wife can double date them and share info about social climbing and shit.

[Edited on April 7, 2010 at 9:22 AM. Reason : You people.]

4/7/2010 9:21:50 AM

Quote :

"We are so preoccupied with this one set of qualities that we totally miss the shit that matters. I cannot count the number of hours I've spent debating the desirability of a man's occupation with girlfriends only to learn that the guys were totally incompatible or not interested in my friends in the first place."

These are problems that women have.

4/7/2010 9:41:26 AM

I dated an older guy when I was 19- it was all great until I found out he had a 12 year old (that he fathered as a teen). Then it got pretty creepy. Baby Momma was named Rainbow, to give any light to the matter.

4/7/2010 9:43:34 AM

My gut says NO NO NO NO but who knows if the girl is cool enough.

4/7/2010 9:52:29 PM

Quote :

"if you accidentally knock her up she'll probably be dumb again and actually have the bastard"

4/7/2010 11:23:21 PM

thanks for the advice guys. think ive decided to take a slow wait and see approach on this one. Im not rushing into any decisions until i figure out if there is anything really there.

4/8/2010 5:49:08 PM

Without reading the thread, I've never wanted to be known as "mommy's boyfriend".

4/10/2010 9:23:33 AM

I'd wait and see. If she's mature enough to tell you about the kid, then you should be able to be mature enough to see where things go and deal with the 'insta-family' aspect of it. And, 2-year-olds are no joke, they're still a lot of work.

4/10/2010 10:40:12 AM

Pics? (of woman, not kid)

4/10/2010 8:35:53 PM

Me personally, that would be an unconditional no for anything serious... A 20 something with a kid implies one of many things, all of which are negatives:

1 - that person is either not smart enough to know how to use BC correctly. Or DID want a kid but decided to have it with the first dick that came across (or, inside, as it were).
2 - "You aren't my REAL daddy"
3 - Potential for "hotdog-down-a-hallway" syndrome.
4 - That kid is 80% likely to be fucked up in 15 years (literally, and figuratively), especially if you two bang another one out the older one is gonna feel like the non-favorite.
5 - How much is daddy #1 paying in child support, does she live off it?

Now, if you are planning on hitting it and quitting it, by all means... just don't accidently start up the baby factory again

4/11/2010 9:49:24 PM

wow you guys are really negative towards single moms. no wonder its so hard for them to find a decent guy.

honestly I used to feel that same way and i really had to stretch to allow myself to step outside of my prejudices when i started dating my wife, jennifer. i am very glad i did. believe it or not, i would be willing to bet that there are several women out there that would be single moms if they hadn't gotten an abortion. just because some one decides to go through with the pregnancy doesn't make them any more white trash or idiotic then the college chick who got pregnant but got an abortion. in fact there is a lot to be said about the woman who would choose to go through with it. it shows character.

in my experience the baby daddy drama has been kept to a minimum. the whole reason my wife left him in the first place was because we started hanging out with the wrong crowd and subsequently turned into a fuck-up. i respect her for making the decision to leave the situation. again another hard choice.

lastly let me say that i am extremely proud of my wife. even though she got pregnant at 18, the summer before she was to start college at Ithica, she has been quite successful. she is the hardest working person I have ever met, at times working two or three jobs and going to school while caring for a child. in august she receives her bachelors degree from Mount Olive College and afterward she is going to Law School for family Law.

I'll get off my soap box now, but let me end with this. Just becasue a woman has a child at a young age does not make her an automatic fuck up. any of us who are not virgins could be in the same spot. birth control is not 100%. we are all dealt a different deck of cards in life and its not the cards you are dealt but how you play your hand that defines your character.

4/12/2010 9:12:27 AM

Obviously, it depends on what you want out of the relationship. I see no problem with dating someone that has a kid, but I would never recommend that you take it to the next level with the person, as you can find someone else that isn't a parent already.

4/12/2010 9:41:12 AM

^^
I had wanted to express how much this comment wins, but I didn't want to be the guy who pushed it off the top. Thanks Stimwalt.

4/12/2010 9:42:54 AM

^^^ There is adoption which if you want to pop out the spawn is IMO the far superior choice for the kid. Let them be raised in a good home with 2 parents and a lot more that life has to offer than be stuck with a mom that's trying her hardest not to be ghetto trash.

Sorry, but I have seen kids that were way more fucked up as the result of the mom trying to turn their life around than being adopted. I'd never even want to date a guy that'd dated a single mom in the past. I don't want a guy that is ok with random kids running around, because I don't want to deal with a baby momma appearing somewhere down the road and demanding large amounts of child support because he didn't do everything he could to prevent that situation.

4/12/2010 10:24:11 AM

Curious, lewoods, how old are you? That's pretty damn close-minded. My mom was a single mom when I was ~1 yr. old, due to my mom and dad getting a divorce. My parents still got along and I grew up knowing my dad and seeing him multiple times per year.

Also, what does a guy that's dated a single mom have to do with random kids running around. Just because they dated doesn't mean they're going to be responsible for child support.

4/12/2010 10:30:56 AM

Quote :

"I'd never even want to date a guy that'd dated a single mom in the past."

wut?

4/12/2010 10:32:30 AM

also, I don't date girls named Jennifer anymore.

or nurses.

4/12/2010 10:36:14 AM

lewoods...i'm sorry to say this but your opinion wreaks of immaturity and prejudice. yes there are a lot of cases where trashy women will get pregnant mulitple time, raise their children in a shity environment, etc. but that is not always the case. Chandler, my son (and I call him my son because to him I am his Dad and he is my son) has always had the best care. His family life now is wonderful. He does well in school, is well behaved, is involved with lots of activities, and stays active playing with the neighborhood kids. he is being raised in a very healthy environment.

also, i can tell that you obvious have zero experience with a pregnant woman or woman who has just given birth. giving your child away is a very hard thing to do.

[Edited on April 12, 2010 at 10:38 AM. Reason : ,]

4/12/2010 10:38:33 AM

Doing the best thing for the kid is hard?! No shit. If your woman hadn't suckered you into raising another man's kid the kid would have a shitty life right now. The majority of kids I have seen raised by single moms are fucked up. The majority I have met that were adopted were normal. I am not wasting my resources on someone else's kid.

Also, if I wanted spawn I would not be against guys that had dated single moms as much. I didn't want a guy that was ok with kids, or one that was on the fence. I found a guy that did not want them and had taken steps to ensure they were not created. No worries about baby momma drama.

4/12/2010 11:04:44 AM

lol, you guys are responding to lewoods...

4/12/2010 11:07:40 AM

Yeah, judging by the latest response I'm going to refrain from responding.

4/12/2010 11:09:37 AM

There are so many factors into each situation. I infact know someone who has a kid who's father died shortly thereafter. Do you not date this person because she's a single parent?

Come on people, each situation is completely different. It's up to you to identify the kind of person she is, her maturity level and your maturity level.

4/12/2010 11:32:12 AM

The parent dying is the only situation where I'd think dating a single parent was ok, assuming I eventually wanted kids and the parent didn't die in a drug deal gone wrong or some shit.

Way too many fish in the sea to settle for raising someone else's kid.

4/12/2010 11:44:16 AM

yeah i'm not going to respond to an obvious troll or idiot. i said my piece.

4/12/2010 11:52:24 AM

Quote :

"in fact there is a lot to be said about the woman who would choose to go through with it. it shows character. "

I'm sorry, but no it doesn't. A woman with a strong character can make being a single/accidental mom work, but deciding to go through with an accidental pregnancy does not show character. My white trash cousin had her first kid at 17 and she's just as idiotic now as she was then. Having a baby only added a poor, innocent soul to the train wreck that is her life. I won't stand up and applaud someone for doing something any biological female with working anatomy can accomplish. I will applaud them if don't screw up the offspring's life after the deed.

4/12/2010 8:37:17 PM

^^^^ so, kim...are you saying you would date a guy who had a kid?

4/12/2010 11:06:56 PM

^^ i agree. i guess my point was that to not choose the easy way out AND providing for and establishing a caring loving home life for the child shows character. especially when you have to work your ass off to do it.

4/13/2010 8:16:36 AM

If you want to be a good person, here's the deal: In the end, you need to love that kid like your own daughter. When it comes time to pop the question, you need to want to be the kid's father just as much as you want to be the woman's husband.

4/13/2010 9:24:45 AM

I still can not understand WTF you are thinking claiming that a woman that's too weak to deal with the consequences of her actions until a kid shows up is somehow a better person. I consider someone who knows they shouldn't have a kid right now and takes steps to prevent it to be the far better person.

4/13/2010 11:12:34 AM

my point is that there is something to be said about a person who is willing to take the tougher of two roads because they think its the right thing to do.

4/13/2010 12:29:58 PM

all it means is that she has dropped her panties at least once, meaning she'll drop'em again. get you some.

4/13/2010 12:48:28 PM

And by thinking it's the right thing to do, they prove they are full of crazy.

4/13/2010 1:24:28 PM

i know you are just a fucking troll, but i take great offense at you calling my wife full of crazy! she is the most amazing hard working woman i have ever met, clearly much more sane then yourself. honestly, unless you are fucking virgin then you have no fucking say you stupid cunt bitch. anyone who is having sex regardless of the birth control methods they may be using can get pregnant. so stop acting like you are holier then thou because the same can happen to you unless you are celibate. if that's the case then kudos to you for being a non-conformist.

4/13/2010 2:50:57 PM

Quote :

"you stupid cunt bitch"

This is all that really needs to be said to lewoods.

4/13/2010 3:08:54 PM

Quote :

"sparky: lewoods...i'm sorry to say this but your opinion wreaks of immaturity and prejudice"

Quote :

" sparky:you stupid cunt bitch"

Hmm, I might be in the minority here, but this looks to be a little hypocritical, and also sad if you use this as a retort (on a message board of all places) and you claim to be an adult, much less a responsible parent, could care less if someone got under your skin on the internet....... One person who is not in the position to date someone with a child vs. someone married with the wife having a previous child. Both peoples' views are completely expected. It's not like I expected lewoods to say she makes an effort to date someone with a kid, nor did I expect sparky to have anything negative to say about his wife who brought a kid into it. To each his own, you both are happy with your choices, move along.

Quote :

"in fact there is a lot to be said about the woman who would choose to go through with it. it shows character."

This has been addressed and rebutted, but this statement is going to get laughed out of a lot of circles within many different demographics. It's fine to make the claim, but it's the minority, don't care how you spin it.

4/13/2010 3:37:15 PM

eh you would have a point if it was any poster but lewoods. "She" is the most open-and-shut case of stupid cunt bitch the internet has ever seen.

4/13/2010 3:48:53 PM

^^ it is hypocritical

[Edited on April 13, 2010 at 4:02 PM. Reason : .]

4/13/2010 3:54:01 PM

^ I liked your comment before the edit better.

4/13/2010 4:06:10 PM

did lewoods try to call someone else crazy?


ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

4/13/2010 4:16:09 PM

A friend of mine got married and a couple of years later got pregnant. When the baby was about three months old, she caught her husband in bed with her best friend. They are divorced now and I don’t think she is a white trash single mother who deserves being alone because her marriage did not work out.

4/13/2010 8:55:17 PM

her best friend was fucking her husband; I'd say that's pretty white trash.

4/13/2010 9:11:00 PM

Quote :

"anyone who is having sex regardless of the birth control methods they may be using can get pregnant."

FAIL Some methods are so much more reliable than others, it's not fair to compare them. Especially when multiple methods are used. If you are dumb enough to think the pill is good enough by itself then you are going to have kids.

Also, getting preggo does not mean raising a kid. HUGE difference there.

4/13/2010 9:38:34 PM

sparky, lewoods has been voluntarily sterilized, which is far too extreme for most people

so she can literally say she'll never get pregnant

but the mindfuck is that thats actually the best thing possible

4/13/2010 9:44:10 PM

hearing that lewoods has been voluntarily sterilized and has no chance of producing any offspring has made my day!!

4/14/2010 8:28:38 AM

While I agree that the online persona of lewoods shouldn't breed, it's kind of sad if that makes your day.

4/14/2010 8:30:05 AM