Dear giant uploading file,

please to hurry the hell up so i can go to bed.

k, thanx

3/1/2010 10:33:48 PM

Dear TV,

Are you broke?

Cuz all you're showing is shit.

<3,
Eezy E

3/1/2010 10:34:56 PM

Dear office chair,

Must you be so cozy and warm? I've fallen asleep a handful of times and jump whenever someone walks by my office door. I tried standing up for awhile but people kept looking at me like they expect something, so I decided that it was time to sit back down.

Zzzz,

Misha

3/2/2010 4:22:56 PM

Dear Snow,

Please accumulate on the roads in and around NC State. Use thy cold, whiteness to bring NCSU classes to a halt tomorrow. I do not want to take an exam tomorrow.

Thanks.

3/3/2010 2:09:45 AM

dear bottle of evan williams,

I appreciate the greatness of your drinkfulness... but I wish you were easier to mix with beer

thanks,

David Spencer

P.S. BLAHHHHH

3/3/2010 2:17:03 AM

Dear Keyboard,

Why are you sticky? This seems to always happen after I tenderize the meet.

Please respond soon.

kthx

PS: I like your small profile.

3/3/2010 2:35:02 AM

Dear animate eyes of mine,

Please stay open until at least 5PM today. I need you to work in conjunction with my brain in order for us to pass the exam we have to take today!

Do it or I'll pull you out of my skull,
egyeyes

3/3/2010 10:03:28 AM

Quote :

"TENDERIZE THE MEET"

3/3/2010 1:19:23 PM

Dear Apartment,

Why are you so cold? Or perhaps it is me that is cold, and you are the normal temperature? If you can offer me resolution on this matter I would appreciate it. In anticipation of your answer, I will go take a rape-hot shower and put on more clothes.

V/r,

Mindstorm E. Cobblepot
General Lemur in Charge of Radical Affairs
127 E. Fuckit St.
Washington, DC 1337-45535

3/3/2010 1:22:51 PM

Dear alarm clock,

why do you hurt me so? i said i was sorry for all the beatings i've given you. i even went to therapy just so we could fix our relationship. i thought things were going great...but now you have decided that waking me up just isn't good enough for you. you'd rather sit there, empty and silent, letting me sleep in past a reasonable time. it may be best for us to part ways. no, no, don't cry. you'll find someone better for you to wake up in the mornings...or you'll end up buried in a landfill getting crapped on by seagulls for the rest of eternity. Either way, I wish you the best, and I hope you can forgive me.

3/3/2010 1:40:06 PM

dear ipod

play better songs while on shuffle

kthnx

ben

3/5/2010 10:45:15 AM

^ have better music

3/5/2010 10:46:05 AM

dear travelzoo,

please to stop sending me emails about spring break deals. i dont get a fucking spring break and you're making me feel all sad panda



lunak

3/5/2010 1:37:30 PM

dear ankle,

please to stop hurting so much. the throbbing pain that's going on is really causing me problems.

3/18/2010 10:54:09 PM

I don't think an ankle is an inanimate object.

3/18/2010 10:58:56 PM

3/18/2010 11:00:16 PM

dear lj,

i post to you from a phone now. the obnoxious ad that blocks my regular lj experience is not compatible with said phone. please to remove from the mobile version.

love,

mcfluffle

3/18/2010 11:02:27 PM

dear cat,

Sorry someone ran over you. Hope you have more lives left.

3/22/2010 4:18:23 PM

Cats are animate objects...


Dear BK Burger,
I will never eat you again. You are currently making me late for work.
Love, IMS420

5/6/2010 10:35:23 AM

Dear bank account,

I apologize for what is about to happen to you. I've been planning this trip for awhile and plan on throwing down because things have been really bad with me and this trip has been the light at the end of the tunnel. Please warn my liver too.

Misha

5/6/2010 8:17:58 PM

dear sunburn,
i hate you. go away and take all the dead, peeling skin off my back when you leave.

also, i hate you. never come back

sincerely,
jtw208

5/6/2010 8:24:38 PM

dear database,

please to stop being a slow piece of shit

kthnx

5/12/2010 12:22:59 PM

attn: I don't know
But...

Rabble.

Signed,
Xtine

Also
Attn: toenail
Please to heal already kthx. This bandaid business is getting old, and gross, about 3 days ago.

And, the throbbing is annoying. I know you're not infected, so STFU.

Kindly,
all the stuff above you.

[Edited on June 8, 2010 at 1:28 AM. Reason : sdd]

6/8/2010 1:26:21 AM

dear take home test for class I should not be in because it is the SUMMER ,

you are exceedingly difficult and I don't want to work on you any more. please to finish yourself and show all work. don't forget units.

TIA

6/8/2010 9:54:00 AM

Not so dear sickness,

please go away and dont ever come back.

kthxbai

6/8/2010 9:54:47 AM

Dear unexpected workout, After attending a 6 pm kickboxing class & a 9 am step class, I am so mad that you made me use my noodle arms to keep a wild neighborhood dog from sodomizing my Major. I hate you.

7/1/2010 5:43:53 PM

dear check,

please to arrive soon so i don't have to borrow monies from my momma

kthnx

7/6/2010 5:09:06 PM

dear couch,

why are you so lonely all of the sudden?

-mew

7/6/2010 5:51:06 PM

Dear steam cleaner,
If you were easier to get going, I would use you.
My floor is so dirty and needs your sweet sweet steamy love.
Come out of the closet, please.
Love,
Erica

7/6/2010 5:51:28 PM

dear cd case,

please to magically appear. i have no clue where you are and i need the damn OS discs for my laptop so i can sell it

luna

8/4/2010 6:12:25 PM

Dear Printer,

You are installed. I have used you to print before today, so why are you not allowing me to print now? I have uninstalled, rebooted, reinstalled, rebooted for funzies and you still are being a little dick.

I hate you. Work right or I will go all Office Space on your ass.

Grr,

Misha

9/1/2010 4:09:08 PM

dear time,

please be 5pm sooner!

kthxbai

9/1/2010 4:17:18 PM

Dear Light on a Timer at Amy's House,

You get me every time. I babysit here quite frequently, but I never hesitate to almost pee on myself when Nicholas is napping soundly and I am enjoying the peace and quiet and then CLICK! The light beside me pops on automatically. Please let me get used to you. Thanks.

Your friend,

Elise

9/1/2010 5:23:13 PM

dear pretty rock,

I love you. let's cuddle. We were meant to be. You make me so happy. Knowing you are there

helps me through the day. You are always there for me no matter what.

9/1/2010 6:40:27 PM

Dear Rug,

I know you look nice and all on my floor, but damn if the wood floor is not more comfortable. What up with that?

Regards,
My Ass

9/1/2010 6:43:12 PM

Dear Hurricane Earl,

Hit Florida instead, everyone else is doing it.

-3of11

9/1/2010 8:35:32 PM

^ sorry but hurricane Earl is quite animate.

9/1/2010 9:54:39 PM

Dear telephone,
Please don't ring for the rest of my shift.

Thanks,
-DREW

9/30/2010 7:06:34 PM

Dear Hotel TV,

Why can't your reception of CBS be not as grainy? If you aren't going to have Comedy Central, at least let me watch Letterman and Craig Ferguson clearly. You are an HDTV for god sakes.

- Z

10/4/2010 11:52:23 PM

This thread is Apocalypse's Mona Lisa.

10/5/2010 12:19:44 AM

Dear Ambain,

I don't need you but some nights you make my life a hell of a lot easier. For that I am very thankful

Sincerely,

Jen

10/28/2010 12:56:41 AM

Dear Jen's Ambian (sp?),

Please to share yourself with me. I would greatly appreciate it.

Love,

Divababy19

10/28/2010 12:58:43 AM

Dear Technology In the School of Design,

Please work normally without giving me trouble. Quite frankly that is your job; the reason for your existence is to make my life easier, not to crap all over it. I do my job, so I think its only fair you do your part.

Sincerely,
thegoodoctor

10/28/2010 9:02:36 AM

Dear North Carolina,

You're doing it wrong. It's supposed to be nice and cool in late October, not 80 degrees and humid. For crying out loud, my neighbor has her air conditioner on. Get your shit together.

Thanks a bunch!
-C

10/28/2010 9:06:15 AM

Dear Big Dump I Had To Take This Morning,

Where on Earth did you go? I never took you, and now I feel no need to take you. Please return, as I was very much looking forward to sitting down in a warm bathroom and cozily enjoying you.

Hoping to hear from you sooner rather than later,
Jeff

10/28/2010 4:13:16 PM

Dear NCSU MyPack Portal,

I'd like to keep open the Degree Planner and the Enrollment at the same goddamn time if that's not too much trouble.

Thanks a bunch.

10/28/2010 4:16:08 PM

Dear head,

Please get out of the funk you are in.

- Z

11/15/2010 4:28:17 AM

Dear pineapple,

You are delicious but you burn my mouth. Please keep up the deliciousness and lose the weird mouth sensations. I do not like that about you.

Love,

Misha

11/21/2010 9:45:23 PM

Dear Passwords,

I'm tired of remembering all 14 of you so I can do my job here at work. Could you please stop being an ordeal when you expire? I've been unproductive for 2 out of the 3 hours I've been at work because two of you fuckers decided to expire on me.

Love,
Smores


[Edited on November 21, 2010 at 9:50 PM. Reason : .]

11/21/2010 9:49:55 PM

Dear Penis,

I miss seeing you in action. We used to be like THIS, son! Please don't pack up your balls and leave.

Yours,
Spontaneous

11/21/2010 9:51:55 PM