TELL 'EM, STEVE DAVE

1/7/2009 10:36:44 PM

How is a free breast pump funny?

1/7/2009 10:44:32 PM

lol


breast

1/7/2009 10:48:17 PM

yeah sure this pump has been all over your tits and still has titty residue allover it. ill take it.

1/7/2009 10:52:02 PM

http://knoxville.craigslist.org/cas/985359797.html

Quote :

"needs big thick dicks - w4mm - 44 (morristown) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply to: pers-985359797@craigslist.org [?] Date: 2009-01-08, 4:36PM EST now you can call it what you want...but i am telling you right now that i am looking for a guyor 2 that has a huge cock ..... this isnt a will settle for situation .... if you have a nice thick 8 plus cock let me now .... cause i want to suck on it and ride it ... must comfy with another man being there bi guys get priorty as well .... i am 5foot6about110pondswith little34A titties i am not a barbie but iw ill do things she couldnt imagine Location: morristown it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 985359797 "

1/8/2009 7:54:18 PM

Quote :

"Sexual tyrannosaur seeking my "Ellie" for a romp in the Jurassic Park - 32 I am a very career-focused, attractive, 5'10, 180lb man who is seeking a woman who is willing to fulfill my ultimate sexual fantasy. I am an executive with a very successful career that keeps me very busy and I sometimes have difficulty finding women who share similar interests to my own in the bedroom. Nothing turns me on more then Jurassic Park themed role play. You must be the helpless child (Tim or Lex) stuck in the park at your mercy, and I must be the animatronic dinosaur. I will growl mechanically into your ear and stare threateningly. You will feign, panic, and search for the flash light in the back seat of the visitor jeep. I will sniff at the window slowly and then release a robotic roar into the night air. You then scream for Alan Grant, but my over sized robot jaws come crashing down through the overhead window, pinning you to the floor. I cannot stress this enough however, I must play as the ROBOTIC dinosaur."

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/m4w/984584157.html

1/8/2009 11:13:27 PM

Quote :

"Albino woman seeking committed relationship - 25 So like the title says, I'm a black albino. If you have a list of chicks "you'd like to do", i.e. blond - check asian - check albino - ? then seriously, stop reading. Likewise, if you're a person who has lots of problems, drugs (including 420 friendly guys), alcoholism, financial irresponsibility, move on. Just cause I have albinism doesn't mean I'm going to deal with that sort of stuff. So, now that you know what I don't want, let me briefly tell you what I do want. I want a MAN who is between the ages of 23 and 30 has a regular job. It doesn't have to be a lawyer, or doctor - I'm not a gold digger. I'd like someone who could contribute equally should the relationship get to that point though, so it should be better than flipping burgers. doesn't live with his parents doesn't have kids. has a sense of humor is fine with staying in or going out can hold both serious and whimsical conversations I don't think I'm asking for the "perfect" man here. Notice I didn't include any physical attributes. I don't care about race, although if you're a black man specifically looking for "an exotic sista", don't bother. I'd prefer someone taller than 5'10, taller than 6' definitely grabs my attention, (I'm 5'8) but honestly, the height is a preference, not a requirement like everything else in the list. I'm a software engineer and I'm not from this area, so I don't get to meet many interesting guys who aren't already taken and fit my bare minimum idea of respnsible. I think I'm pretty intelligent, but not in a condescending way. I enjoy good conversation, sushi, good books, live bands, politics and good beer to give you an idea of the range of things I'm into. I have one more year of going to school part time before I get my masters. I love to try new things - this past summer I went white water rafting in West Virginia. Well, this is certainly long enough, so I'll just say contact me, and get to know me. Tell me a little about yourself, or strike up an interesting conversation. I'll respond with a picture. I'm average looking, just pale, but I don't need to post my pic on here for people's amusement. I figure if you've read this far, and taken the time to send me an e-mail, you're most likely a genuine person."

1/8/2009 11:18:26 PM

Quote :

"if you're a black man specifically looking for "an exotic sista", don't bother. "

EMCE need not apply.

1/8/2009 11:20:06 PM

Quote :

"titty residue"

1/8/2009 11:24:58 PM

as weird as this may sound... I read that and thought she sounded pretty fucking cool

1/8/2009 11:26:38 PM

Quote :

"WHITE WATER RAFTING"

1/8/2009 11:27:58 PM

yea, that albino chick seemed to have potential, at least she has standards, and seems genuine.

1/8/2009 11:30:08 PM

The red eye function on your camera would be pointless.

1/8/2009 11:31:22 PM

Quote :

"Ok, this is going to sound odd, but the Starbucks near my house has like NO parking in the morning. So, what I'm looking for is a girl who wants to crash out with me the night before, and then in the morning, ride in my car with me past the Starbucks, so I can have someone run in without me having to find parking. I'll pay for the Starbucks and up to one (1) baked item. No venti's. You can leave a tip if the barista (or baristo) is worthy of one, but make sure to bring me the receipt. I understand that we are human beings with needs, so if we should happen to let our bodies get the better of ourselves for hours and hours the night before, then there isn't really much I can do about that, but seriously - this is about coffee - not wildly passionate, kinky, orgasm sessions, ok? OR if you could give me a good blow job while I play video games, that would be even better. The only oral delight taking place will be when those sweet Arabica beans are hitting our lips. Certainly not anything to do with my head between your legs for 20-30 minutes at a time. Got it? Ok, cool. Be sure to send a picture so I can tell we're going to be looking good sipping Starbucks together in my ride (1991 two-tone Saturn). "

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ftc/775415728.html

1/8/2009 11:41:17 PM

^ thank you, that made my day

1/8/2009 11:46:21 PM

haha that one was pretty good...was looking at the women for men the other day STRICTLY FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES...

1/8/2009 11:47:45 PM

Dude is looking for a home for his dying son and offering catering in return

http://denver.craigslist.org/rew/985789218.html

Quote :

"Hi my name is James and my son Mark is on his last legs of the killer Muscular Dystrophy. His lungs gave out two months ago he is now on life support just waiting his time. I live in Vegas and can only be there every two weeks. I have a catering business in Vegas that is struggling. The bad thing is Mark and his mom have just been evicted and mark needs a place to call home for the rest of his time probably a couple of months. I know that some one out there has more than there share and can help Mark in some way. I will repay the deed by catering an event for you or whatever. Please call James at 702-454-2433 Thank You, Peace and Joy to all James and Mark"

Sure, I'll let your son die in my spare bedroom for some BBQ chicken and slaw.

1/9/2009 12:43:10 AM

black albino women are not well-represented on google image search

1/9/2009 1:10:56 AM

^

1/9/2009 1:20:50 AM

Quote :

"Artistic Former Inmates (Zebulon) Reply to: lee.brandy@att.net [?] Date: 2009-01-08, 8:11PM EST We are looking for Former Inmates with creative minds, to come together for profit making arts and crafts shows at different locations around the state of North Carolina. We also hope to open arts and crafts classes for kids in the future and will need teachers for these classes. You do not have to be a former inmate to apply but it is prefered. Criminal Background Check on all applicants. Sex offenders may apply only for art shows. "

1/9/2009 2:17:02 PM

Quote :

"want to be put in a wdding dress? - m4w - 24 (Milwaukee) Reply to: pers-985613532@craigslist.org [?] Date: 2009-01-08, 7:06PM CST I have always wanted to know what it would feel like to wear a wedding dress. Lokking for an woman of any age that would be willing to make this happen. I have never dressed in woman's clothes before but have had this desire for a long time. If you don't have a dress we could pick one up at a thrift store. What the heck lets have fun with this....Chris"

1/9/2009 9:58:53 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/mis/987833515.html

Quote :

"Did you hook-up with a J.S. possible pregnancy? (Cary) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply to: pers-987833515@craigslist.org [?] Date: 2009-01-10, 4:25PM EST I need to know the truth. He certainly isn't telling. Please be a woman and speak up, for the sake of my child. I saw the PP charges. Would have been from Nov.- now. Location: Cary it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 987833515 "

haha

1/10/2009 8:32:56 PM

what are PP charges?

1/10/2009 8:35:07 PM

Im guessing Planned Parenthood.

coat hangers FTW

1/10/2009 9:44:53 PM

cant find the




coat hangers


cuse' walmart only sells magnums ad

1/10/2009 10:03:11 PM

Now THIS kid must be on TWW. Sounds just like something a lazy bastard would do.

http://charlotte.craigslist.org/egr/987362664.html

Quote :

"My name is Matthew Essman. I am seeking a summer internship which allows me to focus on any civil engineering subfield while still developing the soft, professional skills (LOL!). I am not quite sure which subfield I desire to work in (something along the likes of strucutral analysis, heavy/ highway, water reclamation/management, or green building). I am a standing junior at The University of North Carolina at Charlotte and have a 3.66 / 4.00 GPA. If interested, please contact me via email at messman@uncc.edu or via phone at 309 838-6961. The following is my current resume: Matthew R. Essman 7207 Chaddsley Drive, Huntersville, NC 28078 (309) 838-6961 messman@uncc.edu (This is safe...) PROFILE Standing Junior who is outgoing, motivated and goal-oriented individual, seeking a summer civil engineering internship utilizing affluent communication and strong time-management skills. EDUCATION Bachelor of Science, Civil Engineering Technology expected graduation Fall 2010 The University of North Carolina at Charlotte GPA 3.66/4.00 Dean’s List-Honors Program – UNC Charlotte, spring 2008 Undeclared / General Studies Spring 2007 – Fall 2007 Central Piedmont Community College GPA N/A SKILLS Microsoft Word, Microsoft Excel, Microsoft Access, Microsoft Power Point, AutoCad, MathCad, MultiSim, Microsoft Database, Microsoft Outlook, Photoshop EXPERIENCE Senior Design Program Student Assistant September 2008 – present UNC Charlotte, The William States Lee College of Engineering • Regularly maintain employer, student, and faculty contact database. • Assist with the coordination as well as participation of all senior design events and several college of engineering events. • Utilized AutoCAD to design drawings of various UNC Charlotte properties for college events. Server / Host February 2007 – August 2008 Cheeseburger in Paradise, Huntersville / North Carolina • Assure customers are seated in at timely manner. • Perform other duties and tasks typically to a restaurant environment. Key Assistant Manager 2005 – 2007 Aeropostale, Charlotte, NC • Performed back office and administrative duties (opened and closed store, computer work, maintained cash drawers). • Trained, mentored and managed floor representatives. • Created new floor models and shifting different styles as given by design plan. ORGANIZATIONS: Sigma Alpha Lambda – National Honors and Merit Organization 2008 – Present Theta Tau – National Honors Society for Transfer Students 2008 – Present "

Hi, please give me a job. No I will not bother to look for your employment postings, you should look for me. Yes I'm serious.

This is sure to end well for him. I give it a day before he pulls it down.

1/10/2009 10:28:19 PM

yeah im bored enough to be perusing the rides section, but only the ones with the pics

Quote :

"I am in Elkton Md at 129 Gooseneck Ct Elkton Md 21921 and I need to get to 4214 Morrison Ct Curtis Bay 21226.My name is Henry Hankey but you can call me Hank.I called my wife today and told her that I would be home as soon as I can get a ride.I have no money,but really needs to get home. Thank-You Hank. Here are pictures of myself so you know what I look like. If this woman in this picture answers the door and states that I am not home.Don't listen to her.Her name is Gail. http://delaware.craigslist.org/rid/984369230.html"

for reference, elkton maryland could be more redneck than any place i've ever epxerienced in NC

1/11/2009 1:54:44 PM

"dont listen to her"

nice that he lets you know that if you choose to do him a big favor, you will end up having an unpleasant confrontation with a husky white trash woman with a mean attitude.

1/11/2009 2:45:25 PM

Quote :

"Does anyone homeschool K...offer any ideas (anywhere) Reply to: sale-989265851@craigslist.org [?] Date: 2009-01-11, 9:43PM EST I am homeschooling my little boy for the first year. He is in K. Does anyone have any good ideas or suggestions. Anything would be helpful. Thanks in advance. "

1/11/2009 10:16:16 PM

poor kid is fucked from the beginning

1/12/2009 7:59:59 AM

Quote :

"CAT FOUND! Date: 2008-11-29, 9:25PM EST I found this guy the other day on my back porch. I tried feeding him and it turns out that he is not very friendly because i think he may be scared. Not quite sure the breed but I am assuming he is part Siamese. I have him in a crate because he is not really house broken. If he is yours please reply. "

1/12/2009 10:40:46 PM

i dont believe people are really that stupid

nice find kiwi

1/13/2009 12:02:52 AM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/tix/990754231.html

Quote :

"UNC at Duke 2 tickets - $2300 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply to: sale-990754231@craigslist.org [?] Date: 2009-01-12, 10:59PM EST Section 12. I prefer to use paypal and can ship the tickets out immediately. I am rather firm on the price for $2300. I can ship out immediately. it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 990754231 "

never would pay that much for sporting event tickets. dont care how good the seats are

1/13/2009 1:16:03 AM

^^^

1/13/2009 12:23:15 PM

Quote :

"Heelys boys size 4 - $1 (Apex/Cary) Reply to: sale-991366164@craigslist.org [?] Date: 2009-01-13, 1:28PM EST Son wants to trade Game Boy Advance SP for boy's size 4 or 5 Heelys in good to used condition. Game Boy is red, used condition, but still works great. 303-7760. "

Bitch, please.
I hope your son faceplants into a bed of cacti.

Quote :

" We are looking for an indoor pool that we can rent, hopefully 5 days a week from noon until 5PM (or something similar) to hold swimming lessons for young children (usually ages 3 to 6). Most of the participants are already committed and we just need a pool. Please contact me at your earliest convenience if you can help. Thanks Jef"

Shouldn't you get the pool lined up first?

[Edited on January 13, 2009 at 2:04 PM. Reason : ljkdrf]

1/13/2009 1:49:19 PM

INTELLIGENT, cultured, 22y/o wm seeking Asian women (pref. Nihonese)

Date: 2008-10-16, 3:29AM EDT


Hello ladies of the internet!

I am here today, as are you, to find the love of my life ideally. Now, I am an introspective and reflective man so over my life I've come to realise exactly what I'm looking for in my ideal woman.

Personally, I am 22 years old, my name is Perseus, I am attending U of T in the final year of my Engineering degree, and I am a little on the chubby side. I am a dedicated Green party voter and staunchly opposed to the Conversative hordes dashing themselves against the impregnable Liberal/NDP/Green keep of our fine enlightened city. I am fond of discussing philosophy and the meaning of life over a glass of wine in the 'even. As hobbies go, I am an avid gamer and enjoy delving into the myriad artistic realities of animé (the origin of my affinity for Asian culture, which is frankly superior).

You MUST fulfill the following requirements:
- Asian
- Woman
- Aged NO MORE THAN 23
- - and NO LESS THAN 16
- Petite build. Ideally no more than 115 lbs.
- - but no 'Paris Hilton' bulimics please! I like my women with some meat on them.
- Like sushi, animé, and video games.

BONUSES include:
- Japanese heritage
- Large collection of animé and manga
- Glasses
- Interest in cosplay and roleplaying
- Traditional Ladies' education

I must stress again that this is for a SERIOUS, long term relationship. Not some 'fling' as though I were a boy toy to be tossed aside.


Location: Toronto
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/881177993.html


[Edited on January 13, 2009 at 2:59 PM. Reason : look at his photo ]

1/13/2009 2:58:38 PM

Work blocks craigslist, please post photo so hilarity can ensue.

1/13/2009 3:09:05 PM

^ I donno how. Can you post a picture without having in your photo gallery?

1/13/2009 3:17:18 PM

For Kirk

1/13/2009 3:18:19 PM

Quote :

"Nihonese"

Quote :

"- Traditional Ladies' education "

wow, he looks like a guy who went to SRHS

1/13/2009 3:20:38 PM

Quote :

"[quote]I NEED A RESPONSABLE PET SITTER FOR 3 DOGS (RALEIGH AREA) Reply to: sale-992674000@craigslist.org [?] Date: 2009-01-14, 1:04PM EST We need a pet sitter HELLO I AM LOOKING FOR A RESPONSABLE,STRONG, LOVING, CARE ADULT PET SITTER TO TAKE CARE OF MY 3 DOGS IN FEBRUARY FRIDAY 13 TO MONDAY 16. PLEASE IF YOU HAVE EXPERIENCE WORKING WITH DOGS, AND ANY REFERENCES WILL APPRECIATED. THE PET SITTER HAVE TO COME TO OUR HOUSE TO FEED THE DOGS, THE PERSON IN CHARGE WILL NOT SLEEP OR STAY OVER NIGHT IN THE HOUSE. PLEASE THE PERSON HAVE TO BE AN ADULT OVER 23 YEARS OLD (NO YOUNG KIDS) PLEASE BE RESPONSABLE NO SMOKERS BECAUSE OUR DOGS SNEEZE WITH STRONG ODORS SUCH AS PERFUME OR CIGARRET. THE PERSON WILL BE RESPONSABLE FOR THE 3 DOGS WHILE WE ARE OUT AND TAKE THEM ONTIME TO DO THEIR NEEDS AND FEED THEM ON TIME TOO. THEY ALL HAVE THE RABBIES SHOTS AND TAGS IN THEIR COLLAR. THE PET SITTER MUST HAVE A CAR LIKE A JEEP OR A FORD TO TRANSPORT THE DOGS TO THE PARK THEY NEVER RIDE IN PICK UP TRUCKS THAT ARE OPEN IN THE BACK ...THEY GET SCARED IT NEED TO BE A 4 DOORS CAR!... IS A PLUS IF IS A JEEP OR HONDA OR FORD THEY ARE VERY TALL AND HEAVY AND LARGE 2 OF THE BIGGER DOGS. EACH OF THE DOG HAVE THEIR ON LEASH AND BOWLS TO EAT OR DRINK WATER... THEY NEED TO BE WALK AND FEED, THEY LOVE COMPANY AND PLAY ALOT WITH TENNIS BALLS. SNACK TIME BY 2:00 PM 1 COOKIE EACH ONE THEY EAT TWICE A DAY EVERY MORNING AT 6 AM AND BY 6PM DINNER PLUS WATER AND THEY HAVE TO BE TAKE TO GO PEE AND POO OUTSIDE IN TIME BECAUSE 2 OF THE DOGS ARE VERY YOUNG AND THEY CANT HOLD TO MUCH. THEY HAVE TO BE TAKING BEFORE AND AFTER THEY EAT BECUASE THEY USUALLY POO AND PEE AFTER THEIR MEALS. THEY ARE VERY SMART AND THEY WILLLET YOU KNOW!! AFTER THEY EAT THEIR MEALS THEY DONT DRINK NO MORE WATER OR EAT FOOD TO AVOID A MESS AT NIGHT ON THE CAGE. THE DOGS KNOW THE RUTINE. THEY NEED TO BE TAKIGN THE PARK AT EXANGE PARK IN MILLBROOK ON FRIDAY 13 1 HOUR, SATURDAY 14 FOR 1 HOUR AND SUNDAY 15 FOR 1 HOUR TO PLAY AND EXERCISE BEFORE THEIR DINNER SO THEY DONT TROW UP THE FOOD. THE PARK IS ALL FENCED AND THEY LIKE TO PLAY THERE ALOT SO THEY CAN EXERCISE AND PLAY WITH THE OTHER DOGS USUALLY THEY LIKE TO BE WALKING AROUND THE TREES. 1 DOG IS FEMALE 1 YEAR OLD GERMAN SHEPERD MIX WITH ROTWEILLER SHE IS VERY SWEET AND LOVE TO PLAY ALOT (SHE STILL ACT LIKE A PUPPY BUT SHE IS VERY STRONG), LOVES COMPANY AND LOVE TO EAT ICE. AS WELL AS 2 YEAR OLD MALE YELLOW LAB MIX HE IS VERY QUITE, LOVES TO PLAY WITH TENNIS BALL AND EAT ICE AND LAST THE SMALL DOG MALE YORKIE MIX WITH CARINE IS ONE YEAR OLD LOVE TO PLAY BE SPOILD AND BE AROUND PEOPLE. ALL OF TEH DOGS LIEK TO PLAY WITH EACH OTHER THEY ARE VERY CLOSE. PLEASE IF YOU HAVE THE PATIENT TO DO ALL THIS AND TAKE CARE OF THEM LIKE I DO PLEASE LET ME KNOW BY EMAIL I NEED TO KNOW AS SOON AS POSIBLE WHO CAN TAKE CARE OF THEM WHILE WE ARE OUT OF TOWN. PLEASE HOW MUCH WILL BE THE REASONABLE PRICE YOU WILL CHARGE FOR THIS LET ME KNWO BY EMAIL AND SHOW ME PRICES SO I CAN DISCUSS WITH MY HUSBAND. ALSO TO SET A DAY SO YOU CAN COME AND MEET OUR DOGS TO GET THEM STARTED BECAUSE THEY GET VERY EXCITED OR EITHER DONT KNOW HOW TO ACT WITH A PERSON THEY DONT KNOW ONCE THEY GET TO KNOW YOU THEY WILL FEEL CONFIDENT. REPLAY TO EMAIL BELOW THANKS. "

[/quote]

1/14/2009 8:44:23 PM

Quote :

"THE PET SITTER MUST HAVE A CAR LIKE A JEEP OR A FORD"

Quote :

"NO SMOKERS BECAUSE OUR DOGS SNEEZE WITH STRONG ODORS"

1/14/2009 8:51:06 PM

^I envisioned a little Asian lady while I read that.

1/14/2009 8:53:18 PM

the ford part of that is my favorite. someone call them and say "yeah, i've got a ford" then show up in a fiesta or something

1/14/2009 9:00:07 PM

Hawked a Wii w/ Sports, Play & second wiimote last week for two fitty

1/14/2009 9:01:05 PM

^damn

1/14/2009 9:02:43 PM

Had to drive 40 miles to get it though
Monroe's a long way from UNCC

1/14/2009 9:06:36 PM

Quote :

"**Are you a BIG BRA owner?? Topheavy? - $75 (Raleigh) Reply to: sale-994080270@craigslist.org [?] Date: 2009-01-15, 1:48PM EST Do you wear a larger sized bra TRIPLE D -OR- Larger? DO your bras wear out quickly to need replacement? Looking to buy your older bras!! Must be Triple D -OR- Larger Serious Replies Only!! "

1/15/2009 2:06:24 PM

Quote :

"I like the smell of titty reisdue"

[Edited on January 15, 2009 at 2:19 PM. Reason : lol]

1/15/2009 2:08:21 PM

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1/15/2009 2:18:04 PM