It's 2007, not fucking 1937..if a chick doesnt want to take her husband/spouse's last name..THAN SO BE IT!! If I had a daughter, and she was engaged to a guy who was pressing her to get her last name changed and she didnt want it changed-Id tell her to leave his sorry ass b/c the name doesnt make the couple-its the actions of the two people within that particular relationship. If he cant take you not wanting to follow some archaic traditional pattern than FUCK HIM-you can ALWAYS find someone who will!

7/13/2007 12:26:07 PM

MY DAUGHTER WILL ONLY MARRY A MAN WHO WILL TAKE HER (MY) LAST NAME OVER HIS OWN...NOT SOME BARBARIAN NEANDERTHAL

7/13/2007 12:33:40 PM

Quote :

"my sister has kept her name. with all 4 husbands. i guess it makes sense when you trade them in every couple of years. "

hahaha

but yea, taking someone's last name is some old school shit.. i could care less if they do or dont

7/13/2007 12:39:32 PM

7/13/2007 12:40:48 PM

Quote :

""remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours""

7/13/2007 12:49:55 PM

I guess I'm just old fashioned. Those of you who don't want to take your husbands name will also probably want your own bank account and everything else. To me, it just doesn't make sense. When you get married you become one and to me that includes having the same last name. But to each their own. If you don't want their name, then good for you. As long as the marriage is happy, I guess the last name isn't a big deal...although I'm actually suprised by the number of people who wouldn't want to take their husbands last name.

7/13/2007 12:59:16 PM

wow, my mind is kinda blown by how amazingly shovenistic some of you guys are.

haha, what kind of relationships are you in that you would be OFFENDED if she didn't take your name, god, what does that even say about how you live your life. sad.

it's totually beyond me why guys don't take the girl's name. oh right, the good old patriarchal order, can't lose that.

the coin toss sounds good to me.

the hyphenation is kind of silly.

as of us, we're going to put all the letters of the alpahet into a hat, and pull them out randomly to assemble our new name. fuck the old lineange, we'll start a new one.

7/13/2007 1:10:21 PM

I think if your names don't fit, become obscene or just not appropriate would be another good reason not to change your name. Something like

Anita Hoare
Betty Humpser
Dawn Keebals
Sharon Needles
Ivana Tinkle
Ophelia Rump

7/13/2007 1:22:35 PM

^ haha. good point.

7/13/2007 1:31:33 PM

Quote :

"Those of you who don't want to take your husbands name will also probably want your own bank account and everything else. To me, it just doesn't make sense. When you get married you become one and to me that includes having the same last name."

women just want to get married and not have to deal with all the compromises surrounding it.

7/13/2007 1:36:09 PM

^^^yeah, if taking his name gives the girl a stupid sounding name, then she shouldn't. Or if she's an established celebrity or whatever with that name. It's all her choice. If she doesn't like how his last name sounds with her first name is another reason not to.

When I get married, I'm taking his last name simply because I like it so much more than my own last name.

[Edited on July 13, 2007 at 1:39 PM. Reason : ^]

7/13/2007 1:38:49 PM

haha like lack of compromising is gender specific

7/13/2007 1:39:27 PM

a desire to get married usually is.

7/13/2007 1:52:01 PM

world of absolutes, i suppose

7/13/2007 1:57:03 PM

there's nothing absolute about making a general statement. even the women that admitted to taking their husbands name had to immediately follow it up with "but it was all because I wanted to for personal reasons and not because I gave a shit with what my husband thought."

7/13/2007 2:00:32 PM

Quote :

"I would not want my wife to do anything of this level if she doesn't want to do it. But if she doesn't take my name, I won't marry her."

Am I the only one who found this to be contradictory?

BIG GGs go out to:

Quote :

"the name doesnt make the couple-its the actions of the two people within that particular relationship. If he cant take you not wanting to follow some archaic traditional pattern than FUCK HIM-you can ALWAYS find someone who will!"

Quote :

"wow, my mind is kinda blown by how amazingly shovenistic some of you guys are. haha, what kind of relationships are you in that you would be OFFENDED if she didn't take your name, god, what does that even say about how you live your life. sad."

Quote :

"as of us, we're going to put all the letters of the alpahet into a hat, and pull them out randomly to assemble our new name. fuck the old lineange, we'll start a new one. []"

Quote :

"haha like lack of compromising is gender specific"

7/13/2007 2:36:33 PM

let me understand this:

a woman keeping her last name is selfish

a man mandating that his last name be taken is not selfish, (mostly because the patriarchy/tradition must be preserved)

is that right?

7/13/2007 2:38:38 PM

someone mentioned own bank account...I'm don't mind taking the last name, but ya damn right i want my own bank account. pool 75% into a joint and 25% into mine. I don't want him getting all PO'd b/c I want some Jimmy Choos, just like he doesn't want me getting all PO'd because he wants a Boston Whaler.

7/13/2007 2:41:31 PM

For a while I thought I had stepped into a message board belonging to Arabs (or any other highly patriarchical/chauvinistic society).

7/13/2007 2:41:37 PM

^^

aha that's where i stand on money as well (though dire circumstances may arrive that require us to pool both funds)

7/13/2007 2:45:09 PM

Quote :

"someone mentioned own bank account...I'm don't mind taking the last name, but ya damn right i want my own bank account. pool 75% into a joint and 25% into mine. I don't want him getting all PO'd b/c I want some Jimmy Choos, just like he doesn't want me getting all PO'd because he wants a Boston Whaler."

good luck how are you going to deal with the difference in income and thus difference in "allowance"?

7/13/2007 2:45:13 PM

would that 'matter' regardless if the account is split or not?

even if you pooled 100% into one account there's still a salary disparity

7/13/2007 2:46:40 PM

right - the way she mentioned the percentage it sounded like she would keep 25% of hers and he would keep 25% of his

7/13/2007 2:48:02 PM

My wife is boring

7/13/2007 2:50:39 PM

separate bank accounts is the way to go.

7/13/2007 2:55:40 PM

That's kind of how my boyfriend wants to split it up... but a little more complicated with that. Essentially we'd each have our own accounts where we had a percentage of income. Then we'd each contribute a percentage of income to our joint checking (where we'd pay our bills) and joint savings, and things like kids college funds.

7/13/2007 2:57:40 PM

Quote :

"(though dire circumstances may arrive that require us to pool both funds)"

agreed. and something else may be figured out when children get added to the mix--like savings accts for college funds or whatever else.

and Omar, i'm honestly not sure how the split would work specifically and when i get to that point in my life i know we'll discuss it further and figure the whole idea of the split out. but either 25% of all and divide by two for the allowance...or 25% of the earners paycheck they keep and the other go into the pool. either way we know we'll have a pooled account and our own for fun money, that much has been discussed. it's important to talk about such things before taking the plunge!

[Edited on July 13, 2007 at 3:01 PM. Reason : ]

7/13/2007 3:00:08 PM

The important thing here is not whether she wants to keep her name and he wants her to change it, but that the woman's position on it and the man's position on it match.

If a woman wants to keep her name, and the guy wants her to take his, and it's important to both of them, they probably shouldn't get married. You gotta decide for yourself what you will compromise on and what you won't, and stick to your guns.

It was important to me that my wife take my last name, and my wife had no desire to keep hers. It would have been a dealbreaker if she refused. But really, it's not the name issue itself, but what it indicates about her as a person---not that she's bad or good, but the simple fact that we're not going to be compatible as a married couple.

It was important to me that my wife be of the same religion as me, but I didn't see it as a dealbreaker. My wife did not want to become Catholic, so I compromised on that. Both of our expectations are already set, so there's nothing to get disappointed about.


The thing is that we both laid out all of the things that were absolutely important to us BEFORE we even got engaged. In our case neither of us had any deal breaking qualities although we had to compromise on some other issues that were of less importance. We discussed everything from when we wanted to have kids, who'd be in charge of finances, division of household labor, how we'd discipline our children, to mundane things like whether we would wear shoes in the house or not. We both know what to expect from each other and can avoid nasty surprises.

Sadly, I don't think a lot of people talk about this stuff until it comes up, and by then it's too late.

7/13/2007 3:07:35 PM

CARE POLICE

7/13/2007 3:16:04 PM

^^ very well said.

7/13/2007 3:37:53 PM

Quote :

"how are you going to deal with the difference in income and thus difference in "allowance"?"

7/13/2007 3:55:07 PM

^ I imagine that varies by couple, and as long as both parties agree it's fair i dont see why it's a big deal how the #s play out.

Some folks I know do the 25/50/25 thing, others do a 25/75 of each pay check, some do almost entirely split with only a small portion of funds done jointly (llike one person pays the mortgage the other pays the other bills/food and they jointly agree on what they want to save for). Other couples one of the parents stays at home to raise kids and gets a set "allowance" above and beyond any needs they buy out of the other's paycheck.

I mean of course it's an important thing but, everybody has different financial situations (income, debts, needs, wants, whats important to them),and as long as whatever they agree on works for them, whatevah.

7/13/2007 4:18:32 PM

Quote :

"If a woman wants to keep her name, and the guy wants her to take his, and it's important to both of them, they probably shouldn't get married."

That, along with marko's pointing out that the inability to compromise is gender-specific, about sums it up, I think. If a man is angry at you for not wanting to take his name, you DEFINITELY shouldn't marry him. I mean, if that little of a thing pisses him off, what if you do something like make a mistake or don't have his dinner on the table or don't vacuum correctly? Jesus.

Vice versa, if you want to take his name and he won't let you, I'd say that's equally bad for the future of the relationship. It shows that you both obviously look at relationships, marriage, and the rest of the world differently and won't last very long, at least not happily.

7/13/2007 6:24:04 PM

Quote :

"My girlfriend wants to take my last name, which is fine by me, but I'll be damned if people refer to her as 'Mrs. Greg Townley.' I think that shit is demeaning and offensive. Like, when people address a couple as Mr. and Mrs. 'husband's first name' 'husband's last name.' It makes my skin crawl because it takes away all autonomous identity the woman had/ has."

My grandmother was Mrs. Robert Daniel Black. Are you saying that she had no autonomous identity? Everyone called her Caroline but for all legal purposes she was Mrs. Robert D. Black.

I see no difference in my married name being Mrs. Caroline Pahl or Mrs. Benjamin Pahl. If we're going to uphold tradition why water it down? Go For The Gold!!


[Edited on July 13, 2007 at 6:43 PM. Reason : add in]

7/13/2007 6:41:38 PM

Quote :

"good luck how are you going to deal with the difference in income and thus difference in "allowance"? "

What is there to "deal with?" If you want to spend more money, earn more money. Just like before you got married.

7/13/2007 6:58:34 PM

just keep it percentages of... you make twice as much = you have twice as much + spend twice as much on the mutual bills like mortgage + have twice as much money to do whatever you want with.. fair enough for me

7/13/2007 7:07:35 PM

Quote :

"If a man is angry at you for not wanting to take his name, you DEFINITELY shouldn't marry him. I mean, if that little of a thing pisses him off, what if you do something like make a mistake or don't have his dinner on the table or don't vacuum correctly? Jesus."

cleaning and cooking are trivial matters, but having children with the same last names as both of their parents is not.

7/13/2007 8:10:00 PM

i just don't see what the problem is if the wife keeps her last name, and the children take the father's.

why the chauvinism?

and i still would like an explanation by anyone on this contradictory post:

Quote :

""I would not want my wife to do anything of this level if she doesn't want to do it. But if she doesn't take my name, I won't marry her.""

7/13/2007 8:15:45 PM

every woman I've ever talked to that wanted to either keep her name or to hyphenate her name also wanted to give their children her last name as well.

also, A wedding tradition doesn't necessarily imply chauvinism. If that was what all the big hoopla is over, then a lot of weddings would do away with the father of the bride giving her away during the ceremony. I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where that didn't happen - except for one where the bride's father had died years prior.

[Edited on July 13, 2007 at 8:46 PM. Reason : ^maybe they meant they would never marry someone that might resent them for changing names]

7/13/2007 8:45:31 PM

Quote :

" Boone The hyphening is ridiculous and exponentially destructive. "

great googly moogly. I agree with Boone.

The comments that follow are in no way santioned by Boone.

I don't see what the big deal is. Men and women are different. Women would be happier if they
stop trying to be men and vice-versa. You can fight if you want and try to be all gender neutral etc... and that's all nice and touchy-feely poltically correct hoo hah, but when the rubber hits the road and you have kids and a job most of you womenfolk will wish you could just set down the job and take care of the kids. Deny it all you want but deep down you know what I say is true. I've seen it again and again in my short life.

7/13/2007 11:24:12 PM

women aren't trying to be men

7/13/2007 11:52:15 PM

I will be changing mine... but I think its completely understandable if a woman does not want to change to her husband's name.

7/14/2007 12:11:31 AM

I'll take his name...gladly!

I'm sick of people calling me by my last name!

7/14/2007 12:17:10 AM

She's probably a bitch anyway if she doesn't take your name without good reason.

7/14/2007 12:20:55 AM

I agree with BobbyDigital

I am going to take my husband-to-be's last name come November Sure it will mean some hassles with changing my name on stuff - oh well. For business purposes I'll do the 3 name thing (NOT hyphenated) for a while until people make the connection with the new last name. I'm an independent woman and not threatened by "losing" my name. I see it as a sign of our unity - From that day, we belong to each other. Yes, I know you don't necessarily have to have the same name in order to do that - feels more like a statement of the life/attitude change in not being "separate" from each other in ways.

7/14/2007 12:26:34 AM

I've never met a guy with a hyphenated last name, but I can guarantee that people would make a mockery of him all the time.

It's like being bald.

7/14/2007 12:29:14 AM

I will insist that both my wife and I change to my dog's last name, Rocketpants-Explosion.com, and, yes, it's a deal breaker.

7/14/2007 12:29:36 AM

now that's the most rational thought in the whole thread

LOCK IT UP, OMAR

7/14/2007 12:31:16 AM

So a woman needs to have a reason for not changing, or she is a "bitch".

But a man os not a "bitch" for demanding it?

Those are the kinds of men running this planet, and we can all see how that's going.

7/14/2007 12:46:16 AM

My wife kept her last name, and I don't have any recollection as to who might have suggested it first. It probably came up after we had talked about marriage a bit, and one of us probably asked, "Why would you want to change it anyway?" It's a huge hassle to go through every single one of your ID cards from various agencies, credit cards, frequent flyer programs, etc, and change them all. We're pragmatists.

When my wife's brother got married, he and his fiancee took the first part of his last name, the last part of her name, and combined them to create a totally new last name. They literally were keeping a two-page spreadsheet of all their name changes, to keep track of who had been contacted, who had been followed up with, what new documents had been received, and so forth. Kind of a pain in the ass, but they wanted to share a last name and came up with a novel and equitable way to do it. To go with what was referenced earlier in the thread, I guess all of us are just people who don't see the point of embracing a tradition unless there's an actual reason behind the tradition.

Kudos to Bobby, marko, and trap for all exhibiting common sense about what works in relationships, even though they're not all on the same side of the fence.

And to everyone else, remember that your name is not your identity. It might be an *identifier*, but it doesn't define who you are as a person. To some of you, your name may also be more than that--it may be a symbol of where you've come from, if you're particularly proud of your heritage. But I encourage you to recognize that not everyone will feel that way about their name. Some women may want to keep their names for the same reasons you would want to keep yours; some may want to take their husband's last name as a symbol of starting a new life with the man that they love; some may be pretty ambivalent about it and go with the flow. Like Bobby said, the best thing to do is recognize where you fall along that spectrum and know ahead of time whether it's an indicator that you might not be compatible in the long run with someone else. But why anyone would mock someone else just because their last name has a hyphen is beyond me; a hyphen shouldn't be some sort of automatic arrow shot through a man's machismo.

7/14/2007 1:51:08 AM