3

that sucks, slappy
my condolences

1/3/2014 12:43:25 AM

Does he really have the "right" to be devastated?

1/3/2014 12:49:23 AM

Well, no.

He chose this

1/3/2014 12:55:26 AM

well now you can date a crossfit guy at your gym

1/3/2014 1:03:04 AM

now you can apologize to me for breaking my heart and beg me to take you back

1/3/2014 1:04:32 AM

now is NOT the time to turn the tables on me, scooter

1/3/2014 1:05:58 AM

you're right

my bad

I love you

1/3/2014 1:12:00 AM

I love you

Please fix my heart

You said you'd always fix anything

1/3/2014 2:42:20 AM

I want to help

1/3/2014 4:16:43 PM

This may sound weird, but I feel pretty close to slappy1 now. I think that I might have a chance to make her love me too.

1/3/2014 4:24:58 PM

why can't I stop

[Edited on January 3, 2014 at 6:11 PM. Reason : Jesus help me]

1/3/2014 6:07:35 PM

I don't check these webbarnets enough

I just found out

1/3/2014 6:57:28 PM

1/7/2014 6:28:15 PM

slappy1, any new developments?

1/8/2014 11:55:57 AM

yeah. we've been having some pretty intense conversations and have decided to try to work it out ("it" being this "problem" along with the rest of our existing hurdles) based on the fact that we have such an amazing and special love and neither of us wants to be without the other.

that said, this is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. complete shellshock and feeling actually wounded.

I would go into more detail but it's probably not necessary. feel free to judge away.

1/8/2014 2:44:48 PM

i'm not judging, because i'd probably try to do the same, but it seems like whenever people try to "work it out" after one of these scenarios that it ends up not working out.

1/8/2014 2:53:49 PM

I think people with a huge distance between them might deserve an extra chance when it comes to having a one night stand if you haven't seen each other in a long time when it happens, etc. but what throws me is that he did that at your place... even lonely people in LDR that have a couple of one night stands shouldn't prefer picking someone new up over spending time with their sweetie they never see when given the choice. that's utterly reproachable and I think it's a real warning sign that the behavior won't stop even if you are able to move to the same city, etc. You probably deserve more respect than you've been getting, and I'm personally skeptical about people's power to change once they establish a pattern of shitty behavior and disrespect, especially without counseling.

[Edited on January 8, 2014 at 2:56 PM. Reason : ]

1/8/2014 2:55:27 PM

I feel that people of the internet are very quick to tell someone their relationship is doomed. We don't know the dynamics of their relationship or what deep issues they have. Hell, I don't even know if they've figured all that out yet. We only see the very tip of the iceberg here. However, if slappy1 feels like this is worth the time and effort to at least attempt to make it work then let her. At the end of the day, even if doesn't work out, she'll know that she at least gave it her all and will never have to question if she made the right decision. I think it's important now to be certain that he is as willing as her to make this change and commitment. There is no such thing as happy every after and sometimes relationships cause more stress than happiness. The goal is to determine if the stress is worth the happiness. I really hope he sees the error in his ways and can become the man that you deserve. If he doesn't, then I hope you are willing to let go and know that you gave it your all.

1/8/2014 3:16:18 PM

Not judging here either. I've done what you did years ago. I gave it another shot because I genuinely wanted to make it work, even though wholeheartedly I felt like I couldn't trust him the way I did before. So that's what killed the relationship of 3.5 years ( not recent).

Hope it goes the other way for you.

1/8/2014 10:04:27 PM

Quote :

"the fact that we have such an amazing and special love"

Your love isn't amazing and special. It's average, at best, and seemingly subpar based on this thread.

That being said, relationships are based far more on effort and active involvement than "love", so if you both realize this instead on hoping fairy tales will carry you, and you work for it, you'll be fine.

Love is like Santa Claus. Just because santa's not real doesn't mean you don't get any presents.

[Edited on January 8, 2014 at 11:17 PM. Reason : ]

1/8/2014 11:17:05 PM

Quote :

"Your love isn't amazing and special."

this is the saddest thing anyone has ever said on TWW

and by sad I mean sad for you, moron, because it's clear you've never been loved

so incredibly sad

1/8/2014 11:49:37 PM

he probably took Tyler Durden seriously about being "the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world"

1/9/2014 12:09:14 AM

Ha it's one thing for someone to get drunk and cheat, it's another thing to plot and use subterfuge and cheat. That's not special, that's the baser, animal instincts that govern most mammals and a large part of humanity.

I guess the naive would necessarily be drawn to the naive, but it's laughable to delude yourself into thinking that connection is special. Sorry if this seems cold. Open your eyes and embrace reality is all I'm requesting.

1/9/2014 12:23:09 AM

Quote :

"That's not special, that's the baser, animal instincts that govern most mammals and a large part of humanity. "

Good point.

1/9/2014 12:34:11 AM

I've been in similar situations to slappy (minus the distance) and took her back. the trust will never, ever be there again and that will end up eroding the relationship in other ways. but hey, nobody could tell me anything either so I don't blame you.

1/9/2014 1:14:53 AM

^ yeah, emotions are hard to overcome, I think everyone realizes that.

Part of what makes humans superior to other animals is that we try to be more than our emotions.

1/9/2014 1:27:15 AM

what about second chances? what is it about relationships that makes you think it has to be an all-or-nothing one shot deal? people can work together to solve problems.

1/9/2014 8:01:24 AM

Eh, I think the drunken hookup is more animalistic than trolling for girls online. If you find yourself in a situation where someone wants to bang you and you go for it, OK, animal instincts to procreate took over and you made a mistake.

If you spend time plotting to find people to hook up with, that's such a deliberate process that a lot of your upper-level human brain is involved in making it happen. At some point in that process, that brain should realize that you're about to fuck shit up and maybe that's not the best idea.

1/9/2014 8:11:47 AM

how hard is it to not cheat on someone you love? really

weak-willed animals

1/9/2014 8:12:50 AM

Trust is most easily the most difficult thing to "work on" in a relationship. Not saying it can't be done...but good luck.

1/9/2014 8:13:01 AM

^ i haven't found that to be the case, for me. Trust is implicit. I guess i am a trustworthy person, and maybe other trustworthy people are drawn to me?

Quote :

"Eh, I think the drunken hookup is more animalistic than trolling for girls online. If you find yourself in a situation where someone wants to bang you and you go for it, OK, animal instincts to procreate took over and you made a mistake. "

I thought about that, but i went the other way because i'm thinking that as humans, we spend a lot of our time resisting our animal urges. If someone can so purposefully go about their day plotting to cheat, that tells me that they don't really have a cognizance of where their animals urges end, and their higher human rationale begins. Either that, or they are just shitty people.

[Edited on January 9, 2014 at 1:23 PM. Reason : ]

1/9/2014 1:21:15 PM

And you really believe the former reason is more common?

1/9/2014 1:27:15 PM

I don't know, but slappy1 seems to believe that guy is great and their love is special, so i wasn't trying to call someone i don't know a shitty person. When i am out and about in general society, I see people acting like thoughtless animals all the time, so It's plausible to me that people just don't know when they are succumbing to instinct.

Alcohol is a chemically induced state of lack of control, so even someone with a high level of self control is affected when they're drunk.

[Edited on January 9, 2014 at 1:40 PM. Reason : ]

1/9/2014 1:37:05 PM

My desire to sleep with other women increases with higher alcohol levels and proximity to desirable women. One of the main reasons I had to give up bartending full time.

1/9/2014 1:37:16 PM

^ but the fact you realized this and chose to gives this up means that you were aware. That's very human of you

1/9/2014 1:41:16 PM

I agree.

I think 90% of cheating is putting yourself in the position to cheat.

1/9/2014 1:48:23 PM

oops wrong thread

[Edited on January 9, 2014 at 3:06 PM. Reason : ]

1/9/2014 2:47:09 PM

wrong thread?

1/9/2014 3:03:13 PM

long distance relationship successes are directly proportionate to ((L*D)+(W/G))/(A^2) of the mans D

[Edited on January 9, 2014 at 3:05 PM. Reason : .]

1/9/2014 3:05:28 PM

lol yes

i was looking at this thread and was like....who the fuck posted that. oh me.

edited!

1/9/2014 3:05:57 PM

Where is that favorite quote of mine from Dan Savage....

1/9/2014 4:27:59 PM

"All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there’s someone perfect, who might be searching for us."

Oh wait, that's Fred Savage in the Wonder Years.

1/9/2014 4:32:25 PM

^,^^ love it

1/9/2014 4:47:49 PM

When I first heard about what happened, some time after slappy1 had returned home,I thought she should have handled it like this while she was there...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMOKlXfXn50
(lol jk)

...and more seriously, that he should have taken this advice a while earlier...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nv644ipg2Ss

...but now the situation sounds like this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQ92eyxnxmQ

1/9/2014 5:58:57 PM

Quote :

""...we need to be realistic about our partners, [they] are going to be attracted to other people as we are ourselves...realistic about the fact that love means for many, refraining from fucking other people [but] it doesn't mean that you don't want to fuck other people. We idealize monogamy to this point where everyone who fails at it physically or just emotionally feels like they're not truly in love...because they want to fuck other people. We've pitted people against their own natures...""

Dan Savage, from a podcast.

1/9/2014 6:36:20 PM

That quote is 100% accurate...and 100% common sense.

1/9/2014 6:59:57 PM

But sadly it's not how a lot of people (mostly women) think.

1/9/2014 7:07:32 PM

so much truth. and again, it's about not putting yourself in those situations. or allowing yourself to become vulnerable to them with things like alcohol.

1/9/2014 7:27:40 PM

that quote is obvious, but it doesn't justify cheating on someone. if you "fail" at monagomy while with a monagomous partner, you fucked up. you can't always have what you want.

that said, i'm all for the type of relationship where one-offs are allowed

1/9/2014 7:41:44 PM

Quote sounds like someone trying to rationalize a lack of self discipline or justifying an infidelity they've committed

1/9/2014 7:59:57 PM