3


A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

9/18/2010 2:30:36 AM

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"


"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."


"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit me leg. But the surgeon fixed me up, and I be fine, really."


"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."


"Aye," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and me hand was cut off. But the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I be feeling great, really."


"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Arrh," says the pirate, "One day when I was swabbing me deck, some gulls were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them--arrgh, he, pooped--in me eye."


"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from that!"

"Well," says the pirate, "'Twas me first day with me hook.”

9/19/2010 10:50:11 AM

The Pope says young people should resist the temptation of money.

This coming from a man who lives in a golden palace.

9/19/2010 11:15:39 AM

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost? Damn... From back there I thought you said goat."

-

9/24/2010 12:41:29 AM

I was in the restaurant yesterday when i suddenly realized i needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my fart with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed everybody was looking at me...

Then i remembered I was listening to my ipod.

9/24/2010 12:41:52 AM

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he said, menacingly as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker said, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

9/25/2010 12:23:02 AM

Ted's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room at the local hospital.
The ER doctor says, "Wow! that's pretty bad. Don't worry, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Ted says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers! This is a modern hospital, we've got highly trained micro surgeons and all kinds of incredible techniques. We could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Ted says, "Well, shit, Doc, I tried but I couldn't pick 'em up."

9/28/2010 11:54:42 PM

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "Mary, you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom: "Ann, your obsession is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom: "Joyce, your obsession is alcohol. This too hows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

10/2/2010 12:19:37 AM

My wife was gang raped by a troupe of mimes.

They performed unspeakable acts on her.

10/4/2010 9:55:49 PM

I hate how mainstream and famous the miners have become.

I liked it when they were a bit more underground.

10/13/2010 11:03:02 PM

^teehee

10/13/2010 11:06:14 PM

Q: Whats the difference between a Chilean mining company and a Catholic priest?
A: One gets their miners stuck in a shaft and the other gets his shaft stuck into a minor.

10/20/2010 11:56:28 PM

If life hands you melons, you're dyslexic.

10/22/2010 11:20:16 AM

Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheeze Whiz?
A: Cheeze Whuz.

10/23/2010 12:23:44 AM

A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night. Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer.
He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, heart and penis."

Come the game show she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks, "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."

"Um... the head."

"Good. Eight seconds."

"Um... the heart."

"That's right. Five seconds."

"Oh... um... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!"

10/27/2010 11:56:47 PM

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, Billy Bob performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the snot out of me!" exclaims Billy Bob. Then, obviously embarrassed, he says, "Me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

10/31/2010 12:36:21 AM

What's the difference between a Camaro & an erection?

I don't have a Camaro.

11/4/2010 1:41:09 AM

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says, "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?"

"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree. Ees... Ees... a ham bush..."

11/6/2010 1:37:14 AM

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

11/9/2010 7:42:57 AM

I was playing Fifa earlier, and found that Chicago had a team called Chicago Fire. I was disgusted, imagine naming your sports team after the worst event in your city's history. You don't see the New Orleans Katrinas, the Boston Massacres, the Oklahoma Bombings, the San Francisco Big Ones, or the New York Jets....

11/10/2010 11:34:14 PM

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear While Stranded On A Cruise Ship

10. You folks up for a 130 mile swim?
09. Psst, I've been stockpiling dinner mints in my pants
08. The Scurvy Support Group will meet at 11am on the Promenade Deck
07. Our best hope right now? Aquaman
06. Nice honeymoon
05. Giant squid!
04. Shecky and Leonard Maltin are fighting over the last piece of garlic bread
03. Tips are still appreciated
02. The Regis Philbin Lounge Show will go on as planned
01. Is that the Coast Guard or Somali pirates?

11/11/2010 11:12:56 PM

The missus was watching a cooking show the other day.

I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."

Bitch.

11/11/2010 11:15:14 PM

Quote :

"the New York Jets"

11/11/2010 11:16:21 PM

_{EMBED-Baby Jams To Bob Marley - Watch more free videos}

11/13/2010 9:31:13 AM

Failed my Politics exam. The question was, "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world".

Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.

11/16/2010 10:47:36 PM

I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty before I was fired for no apparent reason.

What a waste of fourteen years.

11/21/2010 10:31:18 AM

A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said, 'Sorry about the wait.'

I said, 'Don't worry Chubby, you're bound to lose it eventually.'

11/21/2010 11:08:00 PM

hahahahaha

11/21/2010 11:52:18 PM

Things are getting touchy-feely at the airport - here's proof:
Grope discounts available.

You can't see London,
you can't see France,
unless we see your underpants!

If we did our job any better, we'd have to buy you dinner first.

Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.

Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.

Throw back a few at the airport Chili's -- you won't even notice.

Wanna fly? Drop your fly.

We've handled more balls than Barney Frank.

We are now free to move about your pants.

We rub you the wrong way, so you can be on your way.

It's not a grope. It's a freedom pat.

When in doubt, we make you whip it out.

TSA: Touchin', Squeezin', Arrestin'

You were a virgin.

We handle more packages than UPS.

The TSA ain't bein' silly, they only wanna inspect your willy.

Stroke of the hand; law of the land!

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem.

Let our fingers do the Walking.

Cough.

Reach out and touch someone.

Can you feel me now?

When we're done with you, you'll need a cigarette.

11/22/2010 11:15:14 PM

Top 10 Late Night TSA Jokes
01. "This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers got molested before they got to their uncle's house."
—Seth Meyers

02. "Rush Limbaugh on the radio yesterday told President Obama, 'Keep your hands off my tea bag.' Don't worry, Rush, even special ops couldn't find your tea bag."
—Jimmy Kimmel

03. "Have you heard the TSA's new slogan? 'We handle more junk than eBay.'"
—Jay Leno

04. "TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish."
—David Letterman

05. "The TSA, it's our business to touch yours." —from a "Saturday Night Live" skit portraying TSA agents as sex workers

06. "In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him a hero. I don't mind being patted down by airport security, but I don't like it when the guy says, 'Now you do me.'"
—Conan O'Brien

07. From David Letterman's Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Becoming a TSA Agent: "In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?"

08. "The TSA has changed airport security guidelines. Now you can have an extensive body pat-down or a naked scan. I think I speak for everybody when I say, "Hey, why can't we have both?"
—David Letterman

09. "You know, if I wanted somebody halfheartedly patting my groin without eye contact, I'd get married."
—Seth Meyers

10. "The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers this holiday season. They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity."
—Jimmy Fallon

11/30/2010 11:05:14 PM

When I was at school, the other pupils voted me: "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution."
They got that wrong!

Turns out I'm actually: "Only pupil who didn't die in a mysterious unexplained accident."

12/3/2010 10:07:39 AM

I'm making a horror film where a sadistic snowman sets death traps for other snowmen and they have to melt bits of themselves to escape.

It's called Thaw.

12/3/2010 10:08:00 AM

Waitress: "Do you have any questions about the menu?"
Me: "Yes. What kind of font is this?"

12/5/2010 1:56:03 AM

I parked my car in a handicapped spot and jumped out and ran in the store.

A parking warden shouted at me, "Hey! What's your disability?"

To which I quickly replied, "Tourettes you fucking-bitch-ass-fuck-nut-sonofa-shit-dammit-cunt!"

12/6/2010 8:10:35 PM

My girlfriend compared me to an Umbrella.

"You mean I'm always here to protect you?" I asked.

"No, you stop me from getting wet."

12/7/2010 12:19:42 AM

"...the sperm goes up there and eats the egg, and grows big and strong into a baby."

"Charlie, that's not how it works."

Always Sunny is awesome.

12/9/2010 10:21:55 PM

THE HISTORY OF PROFILING
The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

12/17/2010 9:54:22 AM

I asked the hot girl at work, "Fancy giving me a blow job?"

She said, "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine."

I said, "Nah, I'd rather have a blow job."

12/17/2010 9:54:45 AM

Was getting the Christmas decorations down from the loft today when I came across a present I forgot to give the kids last year, which was a shame, they would have loved that kitten.

12/18/2010 12:56:31 AM

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me... a partridge in a pear tree.

I got her a fucking iPod.

It's over.

12/19/2010 12:54:59 AM

Quote :

"Waitress: "Do you have any questions about the menu?" Me: "Yes. What kind of font is this?""

I'd laugh at this irl

12/19/2010 1:03:14 AM

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, "How would you like your steak, sir?"
"The same way I like my sex," I replied.

He smiled and said, "Rare?"

Bastard.

12/22/2010 12:32:57 AM

I've just renamed my WiFi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".
That should keep my neighbours on their toes for a while.

12/23/2010 6:05:43 PM

I just bought the religious version of Pokemon.

For some reason, none of them are evolving.

12/24/2010 7:56:10 AM

I love Jesus.
He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get chocolate.

12/24/2010 7:59:00 AM

I texted a joke to all my mates today.

...But no one got it.

That's fucking AT&T for you.

12/26/2010 11:16:14 PM

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD

* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.


* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.


* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.


* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.


* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.


* If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?


* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.


* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.


* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.


* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?


* A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.


* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.


* Without geometry, life is pointless.


* When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.


* Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.


* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

12/26/2010 11:22:45 PM

My New Year's resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it.

12/31/2010 12:20:11 AM

The economy is starting to improve in the Midwest. The Bulimics are throwing up a little more volume lately.

12/31/2010 12:21:11 AM

I have a friend named Jay.
We call him J for short.

1/1/2011 2:12:00 AM