^^Not the case at all. Just that he might be missing something and seeing the symptoms rather than the cause.

However, I will say, counseling won't work if one side goes into it thinking the other side is the only one who needs to change to make things work.

I meant it when I said that maybe it has nothing to do with him and she's just 100% off her rocker. That is possible, and if that's the case, it's really sad. But really, in most situations, each side is at least partially at fault.

3/28/2014 9:27:09 AM

Quote :

"Holy fuck the women ITT are really bagging on this dude. Please try to give some impartial advice here ladies. There's no reason to knee-jerk yourself into acting like this guy is an asshole and the woman is right"

It's probably because at some point, most of us have been called a crazy bitch for having valid emotions that men don't think are appropriate for women to have. And it's this problem that may be causing the confessor to not see the real issue.

It's getting a little old to label women crazy because you don't like how they react to you.
http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2012/07/labeling-women-crazy/all/1/

3/28/2014 9:58:08 AM

well shit, if a webpage on the internet says so, it must be true

3/28/2014 10:04:41 AM

You can be right or you can be happy. Pick one.

3/28/2014 10:08:03 AM

women getting all offended

men getting all offended


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DmYLrxR0Y8&feature=kp

3/28/2014 10:12:56 AM

^ love that.

I was just responding to the "women ITT having a knee jerk reaction"... when all the men were doing the same thing.

3/28/2014 10:29:45 AM

Dr Pepper makes the world taste better!

3/28/2014 10:33:01 AM

Quote :

"It's probably because at some point, most of us have been called a crazy bitch for having valid emotions that men don't think are appropriate for women to have. And it's this problem that may be causing the confessor to not see the real issue. It's getting a little old to label women crazy because you don't like how they react to you. http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2012/07/labeling-women-crazy/all/1/"

I don't see where the dude is calling his wife a crazy bitch. Perhaps you can show me what I missed.

Quote :

"I was just responding to the "women ITT having a knee jerk reaction"... when all the men were doing the same thing."

Hahaha read those responses again. That's not even close to the case. It was one dude.

3/28/2014 10:35:29 AM

he might be screwed up; i'm not absolving him without knowing both sides of the story.

...but what I do know is that whether or not she's having valid emotions, she's certainly exhibiting them in an invalid, inappropriate way.

I would do marriage counseling. I would also not continue to tolerate that bullshit at all if it isn't fixed by counseling, medication, etc.

3/28/2014 10:36:28 AM

Quote :

"I feel like I've dealt with these issues in my marriage pretty well. We'll have some short shouting matches, but I usually get her to calm down and we can talk about things. I'll apologize for whatever it was that I did that set her off, and she usually admits that she was wrong and/or overreacted and then she apologizes. I feel like we always end up in a better place because she gets to get stuff off her chest and we feel like we worked through something."

+1

3/28/2014 10:44:32 AM

^^yep

just because they are "valid emotions", it doesn't give you the right to act like a bitch

3/28/2014 1:00:59 PM

3/28/2014 1:07:00 PM

haha

3/28/2014 1:08:00 PM

The only thing that could be considered bitchy was when he said she scrolled through instagram when he was talking to her. Am I missing something?

3/28/2014 1:08:24 PM

Quote :

"The only thing that could be considered bitchy was when he said she scrolled through instagram when he was talking to her. Am I missing something?"

herp a derp, he's speaking from personal experience.


[Edited on March 28, 2014 at 1:16 PM. Reason : like, past, long ago personal experience i'm sure ]

3/28/2014 1:11:26 PM

3/28/2014 1:13:49 PM

^^^yes, reread it




personally i have found the best way to deal with similar issues is to ignore the problem and it will go away.

of course she may try to take the house with her but thats another thread.





.

[Edited on March 28, 2014 at 1:19 PM. Reason : .]

3/28/2014 1:15:11 PM

hahahahaha

3/28/2014 1:19:07 PM

Quote :

"The only thing that could be considered bitchy was when he said she scrolled through instagram when he was talking to her. Am I missing something?"

She's probably pretty bitchy when she "gets mad."

3/28/2014 1:31:37 PM

Nobody is perfect at relationships from the beginning. I'm sure all women have been labeled crazy bitch at some point. Whether it was deserved or not, obviously the ideal is to mature emotionally and find stability and logical, rational ways of addressing problems in relationships.

I'm sure all men have used the crazy bitch label at some point. Likewise, the ideal is to learn that although sometimes it's justified because yeah, there are legitimately crazy people out there, other times it's a knee-jerk label to the way women can react when they aren't happy.

Acting childish or irrational is obviously not a good thing, and it's something I think everyone wants to get away from. As we get more experience in how healthy relationships function, theoretically we get better at that. But it's not an all or nothing thing, and sometimes even women who are rational and grounded can act a little off when something isn't right with them. I know I have.

But if men are just going to keep using the "well, she's crazy" label for every time we aren't totally on our A-game, that's also a lack of learning how to build a successful relationship. Sometimes it's true. It is possible that your SO is actually crazy. But a lot of the times that label comes out, you have to admit you're involved with another human being who isn't perfect all the time, and maybe there's something you can do to help better the situation.

[Edited on March 28, 2014 at 1:48 PM. Reason : or at least not jump ship to go look for someone "sane"]

3/28/2014 1:46:54 PM

Quote :

"I'm sure all men have used the crazy bitch label at some point. "

And I'm sure all women have said equally hateful shit to a man before.

Quote :

"But if men are just going to keep using the "well, she's crazy" label for every time we aren't totally on our A-game, that's also a lack of learning how to build a successful relationship. Sometimes it's true. It is possible that your SO is actually crazy."

Again, the confessor never called his wife a crazy bitch. That was one TWW poster who said that, and this shit keeps getting brought back up .

3/28/2014 1:51:19 PM

But he's throwing out the idea of divorce when the problem seems to be relatively small. I think we can agree that's a little knee-jerk, no?

It's not about the labels so much as the idea that women should all be emotionally on the ball all the time and it's not OK to need to work through things. So when she isn't on her best foot, it's time to cut and run.

[Edited on March 28, 2014 at 1:54 PM. Reason : .]

3/28/2014 1:53:13 PM

Quote :

"But he's throwing out the idea of divorce when the problem seems to be relatively small. I think we can agree that's a little knee-jerk, no?"

I think we can agree we don't know enough about their relationship to call his pondering a divorce knee-jerky.

Perhaps he'll send me more to share (not necessarily to justify a divorce, just in general)...

Quote :

"So when she isn't on her best foot, it's time to cut and run."

imo that's when it's time to remove yourself from the argument and resume the discussion when both parties don't have so much emotion flowing...


[Edited on March 28, 2014 at 1:56 PM. Reason : V for damn sure. i couldn't put up with the daily shit.]

3/28/2014 1:55:11 PM

i'd rather have one big fight occasionally than constant mean-spirited bullshit daily

3/28/2014 1:56:07 PM

Or you can learn to talk about potential problems when they arise instead of ignoring them or expecting the other person to deal with everything on their own. Then you can get rid of both of those, for the most part.

3/28/2014 1:57:35 PM

i'm probably way more guilty than most men i know of throwing out a "she's a crazy bitch"...

maybe i'm in the minority for thinking she definitely sounds like a bitch...even if she's not a crazy one...

the only defense i have for the wife is that she didn't just get that way...he said so himself...

people can learn to handle and control behaviors and emotions...but very rarely do they actually change...

it's bound to come out at some point...

if you can't or don't want to work together to figure out why it's happening then just gtfo...

you'll both be better off

3/28/2014 1:58:27 PM

I think, perhaps, we should try another confession.

3/28/2014 2:00:52 PM

Quote :

"I think we can agree we don't know enough about their relationship to call his pondering a divorce knee-jerky."

I agree that we don't know enough... but would assume that if the confessor was seriously contemplating divorce, he would tell us about the REAL issues. The issues he's describing seem a little trivial for an all out divorce.

3/28/2014 2:00:58 PM

...something about walking a mile in a this man's shoes...

3/28/2014 2:01:35 PM

3/28/2014 2:45:38 PM

Discussions like this make me feel like my head is going to explode...

also, I have nothing meaningful to contribute...skwinkle worded my thoughts perfectly

Oh and to the guy who said she should be medicated...has no one addressed that yet!? Wtf...man

3/28/2014 2:48:34 PM

^ I mean we've been addressing moron's post for this entire page. Why stop now huh?

3/28/2014 2:53:12 PM

Yes...I would like to address that specific part of his post because I find it ridiculous, huh?

3/28/2014 2:55:17 PM

Quote :

"I'm sure all men have used the crazy bitch label at some point. Likewise, the ideal is to learn that although sometimes it's justified because yeah, there are legitimately crazy people out there, other times it's a knee-jerk label to the way women can react when they aren't happy. Acting childish or irrational is obviously not a good thing, and it's something I think everyone wants to get away from. As we get more experience in how healthy relationships function, theoretically we get better at that. But it's not an all or nothing thing, and sometimes even women who are rational and grounded can act a little off when something isn't right with them. I know I have. But if men are just going to keep using the "well, she's crazy" label for every time we aren't totally on our A-game, that's also a lack of learning how to build a successful relationship. Sometimes it's true. It is possible that your SO is actually crazy. But a lot of the times that label comes out, you have to admit you're involved with another human being who isn't perfect all the time, and maybe there's something you can do to help better the situation. "

I agree with all of this. We all act crazy sometimes.

But acting like a crazy bitch sometimes for particular issues is different than acting like a crazy bitch all the time, for all issues, which is what I understood as the issue. It may not be believable if you've never met a person like this, but some people will react equally angrily to you putting too much cream into their coffee and being actively ignored for several hours. I say this from experience (and we did go through that "5 love languages" thing-- it didn't help because we shared the same language for one of them, and apparently only her language mattered for the other).

I was only speculating that because that anonymous poster was at his wits end with his SO, that he seemed to have tried to listen and respond, but no change in their behavior occurred. It's possible it is a communication thing, and she's sending out signals he's not picking up, but typically people handle those issues before getting married...

In general though, I do agree the "crazy bitch" label gets thrown around when it's not deserved, but that wasn't my intention, and there's not really enough info to even know if that's the case here, but it is a distinct possibility.

3/28/2014 2:58:49 PM

Quote :

"Yes...I would like to address that specific part of his post because I find it ridiculous, huh?"

"Huh" does not constitute a question on its own.

3/28/2014 3:02:08 PM

Followup on the last confession:

Quote :

"Sorry it took me so long to respond. I wanted to take time to consider everyone's responses - many thanks to everyone for those- and find a time to type it out when my wife and I weren't in close proximity. I'll provide a little more detail this time and also give some updates but first I'd like to answer a few questions some had based on my original posts. I'll provide them in two separate emails, with the goal that they are submitted as two separate posts. Answers: Why not consider counseling I've heavily considering counseling. In my original post I did mention that I'm not sure if the option should be counseling or divorce. I've suggested counseling in the past and typically her response is that she has been to a therapist before and that they don't provide any benefit. Since she hasn't had a good experience after seeing 1 or 2 separate therapist, she doesn't believe it'll add value. If you like her family so much and have encourage previous visits, why did you suggest limitations on this visit I do like her family but we've visited a lot recently and have a few more visits schedule for the next few months. While I do believe it's been a lot recently, I was more concerned because I traveled for work the entire week before and had to the next. I just wanted to close out my weekend at the house, which is why I asked if we were getting there at 8 that we leave by 5. Do you normally talk down to your wife such as correcting her when she has the year of a song wrong or shut her down and say you're done? I get why my original statement could leave that impression. Short answer, no that isn't common and in this case she said "i remember when that song came out in 2004 and i simply replied "i think it was 2000". In the past, I haven't considered this talking down since my intent was to engage in the conversation more than about making a point. But I'm definitely interested in hearing more thoughts around this. Regarding being done with an argument, I only say this after I've already explained my initial intent, apologized for hurting her feelings and then continued to do this in succession. I'm really not trying to shut her down as much as keep the argument to a minimum. I do this because after doing the above I find myself becoming angry and defensive, which I believe won't add any value to an already emotional conversation. I'm definitely open to hearing about better ways to do this. I don't care if you take out the trash that doesn't excuse you if you've angered me I get that. My point wasn't to imply immunity from any scrutiny but rather to convey that I've been covering the basic things so it is hard for me to identify what may be underneath the surface that is causing her to blow up over relatively small things. I agree that if I am truly being a dick that she has the right to be ill with me, regardless of how much I help around the house."

4/1/2014 12:49:49 PM

2nd part:

Quote :

"Details and updates Sunday night led to a lot of conversation between the two of us. After another squabble over and after much probing she confessed that she is angry with me over continuing a friendship with a really close guy friend of mine. My wife used to really like him and liked his exgirlfriend but hates his new girlfriend to the point where she doesn't want to hang out with the new gf at all and has lost respect for him based on being with someone so horrible. To my wife's defense, his new GF was a jerk the first few meetings and I didn't like her either. But he and I are good friends, so I thought it important to maintain a relationship and still hung out with him and occasionally him and his GF. She is angry because she feels that she is the only one making a stand and that her being the only one not hanging out makes her appear to be the bad guy, regardless of previous treatment by the new gf. I explained that my relationship with her is more important than my friend and I'll end my friendship with him. She expressed that isn't what she's asking, but, I stated since I can't hang out with him or speak of him then there isn't much other option. She hasn't yelled at me or gotten angry over something I've done since, so maybe that will be the painful but worthy resolution. As for divorce, I don't take it lightly. But I also understand that you only get one life and to surround it with something that makes each day unhappy for both parties is truly sad. Divorce would be my absolutely final option but what is difficult for me to discern is when you act on that final option. I love my wife. I want to say that again so that it is absolutely clear, I love my wife. I also don't think that she is a bitch. Irrationally angry and inconsolable? yes. too rigid in her expectations of others and too lacking in her willingness to forgive and forget? yes. But she isn't a bitch. She is always honest, even to a fault and when isn't upset she has the capacity to treat people with more kindness than anyone else I've ever met and never utters a mean word about anyone. Those things are what made me fall in love with my wife, but I do have my concerns... her strongly emotional and negative reaction to small, immaterial events that happen make it me worry about our relationship long term because my thoughts always turn to what would this be like with children? I love children and understand that they are huge stressors in a relationship. I don't want to raise children in a household with constant yelling and if she is getting mad at me about such little things I am highly concerned what conversations around whats best for our children may bring. Many are probably asking what is different now than earlier since I've mentioned she has always been similar. She has always been similar but it's getting more severe and as I get closer to an age at which I'm prepared to be a father, I'm no longer thinking about can i handle this longterm but rather can or should a family with children endure this longterm. Also, from when we first started dating through our engagement I'd listen to what was stressing her and would tell myself once X is resolved she'll be less angry and the good times will be greater. To put it in perspective, it was grad school was hard, then she was unemployed, then she got a job but not in her industry and then she got a job in her industry. I always assumed a job in her industry would be it and wrote off everything as a result of that not yet having been attained. She didn't like that role but found a role at a company whose work she admired more. The point of all this is I've run out of things for which I can say "once this is done, she won't be angry any more." It's this end of the road that is bringing up all the questions I've extended to each of you. That should be enough for now. Thanks everyone."

4/1/2014 1:54:45 PM

Quote :

"I explained that my relationship with her is more important than my friend and I'll end my friendship with him."

That's pretty fucked up, especially since the issue isn't with him but with his current girlfriend. This should be one of those grin and bear it scenarios for your wife. Worst case, if she doesn't want to be around her then she shouldn't get mad at you for wanting to hang out with your friend, regardless if she's there or not (to a limit of course...you can't be leaving your wife at home multiple nights a week unless she's cool with that)

4/1/2014 1:57:50 PM

Yeah definitely that. It's a slippery slope once you start cutting friends from your life, especially if your wife's problem isn't even with the guy. Really, as a friend you're supposed to grin and bear it through their questionable relationship decisions and be there for your bud when it blows up in his face. Did she come out and say that she didn't want you being friends with him any more? Because that's fucked up.

Your wife doesn't want to hang out with the new GF. That's cool, allow her to beg off if you're going to be hanging around with them, especially if it's a double date type situation.

As for your last paragraph...well...if you keep waiting for a magical solution to your wife's anger issues you'll be waiting for your whole life. Likely miserable or at least walking on eggshells the entire time.

[Edited on April 1, 2014 at 2:16 PM. Reason : 2 cents]

4/1/2014 2:13:55 PM

Quote :

"As for your last paragraph...well...if you keep waiting for a magical solution to your wife's anger issues you'll be waiting for your whole life. Likely miserable or at least walking on eggshells the entire time. "

My thoughts exactly.

If she's not willing to try counseling/medication for this, you're likely doomed to treating her like a hurricane that you just wait to blow over so things get back to normal for a while. If you're not prepared to live under attack your entire life, and she's not prepared to honestly seek professional help, then you would at least be better off not in this relationship (she's likely doomed to alienate all her friends/partners until something changes).

Commitment is a 2-way street. If she's not doing as much as you to try and reduce the fighting, or she doesn't see why you are so hurt by her anger, but you're willing to end friendships and apologize for things you didn't even do, then she's the one that is not holding up her end of the bargain.

[Edited on April 1, 2014 at 4:38 PM. Reason : ]

4/1/2014 4:36:38 PM

Quote :

" I also don't think that she is a bitch. Irrationally angry and inconsolable? yes. too rigid in her expectations of others and too lacking in her willingness to forgive and forget? yes. But she isn't a bitch. She is always honest, even to a fault and when isn't upset she has the capacity to treat people with more kindness than anyone else I've ever met and never utters a mean word about anyone."

She sounds like a bitch; sorry. Never utters a mean word about anyone, yet pushes you to the point of considering cutting off a good friend? OK.

4/1/2014 5:20:34 PM

I think she just needs to find ways to deal with stress. She doesn't enjoy being angry all the time any more than you. I'm sure if it came down to deciding between divorce or counseling, she would choose the latter. Maybe you could both read some books about how to communicate more effectively and how to deal with stress. If the books don't help, then you can get some counseling.

4/1/2014 5:58:22 PM

See, confessor, you could have it worse. It could be like tww.

4/1/2014 6:07:05 PM

my only advice is don't have kids!!

4/2/2014 9:27:45 AM

she's just sick of you and trying to justify it to herself. that's why she gets mad when you point out logical contradictions; this is not about logic. you're not going to say "see, you don't actually feel that way" and change her mind b/c she absolutely does feel that way and just doesn't know why. but it's b/c you're married and she's sick of you.

4/2/2014 11:17:20 AM

^ that's actually not a bad theory. i've seen that same situation play out in this fashion before.

4/2/2014 11:25:16 AM

Quote :

"she absolutely does feel that way and just doesn't know why"

EH? I abhor this phenomena...

Everything I do, feel, every response to a situation/emotion - I at least think about why I 'feel a certain way' and try get a hold on the root cause of "why". Why would someone not want to know why they feel the way they do?

4/2/2014 11:43:28 AM

you can't expect women to think like you.

4/2/2014 12:33:47 PM

haha bullshit.

4/2/2014 1:05:29 PM

[Edited on April 2, 2014 at 1:32 PM. Reason : ]

4/2/2014 1:22:58 PM