My thought is you should know what kind of ring your future fiancee would like, if you've been dating long enough to want to get married.

2/27/2012 1:22:45 PM

I'm no Don Juan...but I'd like for the proposal to be a little romantic. I obviously don't want it to be a "SURPRISE" type of surprise, because we've both talked about marriage a decent bit already, but I think there should be a decent amount of romanticism/spontaneity there. I think that stuff is very important in a relationship and therefore should be a big part of the proposal.

Oh...and this:

Quote :

"My thought is you should know what kind of ring your future fiancee would like, if you've been dating long enough to want to get married."

[Edited on February 27, 2012 at 1:24 PM. Reason : .]

2/27/2012 1:24:03 PM

my fiance had a general idea but he wanted to make sure he got it right. plus i hate surprises so it worked out. i guess every couple is different.

2/27/2012 1:26:42 PM

I stress out about buying shoes for my boyfriend. I would trust him to pick out a beautiful ring. However, I also wouldn't want him stressing out over such an important purchase. Additionally, since a lot of my friends are already engaged/married, I would want to make sure it is different from their rings.

2/27/2012 1:57:28 PM

I think the "I don't like surprises" is a BS excuse when it comes to gifts and engagements. If it's something you want, but you haven't told anyone or discussed it with your significant other, you are not going to be happy when you get it/it happens??

Right...

2/27/2012 1:57:58 PM

I know a couple that got engaged with just a loose diamond. Him having it purchased was a surprise in the sense of timing and readiness and then together they picked out the setting & wedding band. That way he got to choose a diamond cut he thought she would like & together they selected the specifics.

That's about as good as it gets as far was wanting to shop together & having something at the proposal

IIRC he had it set into a pendant so she wore it around her neck while they worked through all the details

2/27/2012 2:27:28 PM

^

I like that. Works well for these ladies who "don't like surprises" and are anal about having the perfect wedding ring.

2/27/2012 2:34:04 PM

2/27/2012 2:55:26 PM

is that an emerald?

2/27/2012 4:17:26 PM

yes, and the diamonds are supposedly fair trade. I am not a diamond person, mostly because of the means of getting most of them.

2/27/2012 4:23:48 PM

Quote :

"I think the "I don't like surprises" is a BS excuse when it comes to gifts and engagements. If it's something you want, but you haven't told anyone or discussed it with your significant other, you are not going to be happy when you get it/it happens?? Right..."

Well he knew what I liked so it wasn't like if we hadn't gone together he would be picking something completely on his own. Prior to us going, we had talked about what we both liked and didn't like. The only difference of opinion was that I liked the solitaire setting as much as a 3-stone setting and he preferred the solitaire. But it all worked out because my band incorporates a little of both.

Like I said, it varies with each couple. We both wanted to look together and the surprise was when he proposed. It was how we both wanted it to be

[Edited on February 27, 2012 at 4:26 PM. Reason : Ipad]

2/27/2012 4:25:23 PM

She likes surprises...in the sense that she isn't expecting when I ask, to be asked. We have already discussed it before, its just a matter of when..for which she will not know.

She is from Hawaii and loves Hawaii, so I am thinking of asking her there...She always speaks of how beautiful the sunset is there and how much she loves the moon...So I have considered taking her to Hawaii and asking her at dusk time frame on the beach...I don't know...haha

I asked my Dad about the whole asking permission from the father to ask...he said he didn't....so maybe that is a bit too traditional?

2/27/2012 5:34:09 PM

I plan too. I see it as a respect thing. Remember, you are asking for their blessing and not necessarily their permission.

2/27/2012 6:14:24 PM

My fiancé asked my dad. My dad and I are very close and I know he would have been upset if my fiancé hadn't asked. Plus my dad and fiancé are close

2/27/2012 6:17:19 PM

Good Call Hockey.

2/27/2012 6:28:01 PM

I would ask, better safe than sorry, imo.

2/27/2012 6:35:06 PM

Diamonds aren't actually rare. The price is jacked up due to controlled supply and decades of marketing:

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/1982/02/have-you-ever-tried-to-sell-a-diamond/4575/

http://www.wisebread.com/the-greatest-story-ever-sold-is-a-fantasy-covered-in-blood

Give your fiancee something that'll stand the test of time, like gold or platinum. That'd be a good message to send (real value over the illusion of value), rather than initiating a long-term commitment with an overpriced chunk of carbon. Plus, if things ever get tough and you do need to sell the ring, you'll be glad you took this advice.

[Edited on February 27, 2012 at 6:47 PM. Reason : And, yes, I know that none of this matters when you're dealing with women.]

2/27/2012 6:38:58 PM

Quote :

"I would ask, better safe than sorry, imo."

I am no worries.


I got the cut she wants...Princess Cut...so Now I just need to start saving up and put a down payment down on a badass blingy ring.

2/28/2012 12:15:51 AM

OK, I've got an issue I need some help with

I recently purchased a ring from the family jeweler, so I was supposed to feel great about this whole thing. Here's what I got:

* 1.28 ct, H color, SI2, Excellent cut, very good polish, very good symmetry, Round/Brilliant cut, EGL certified stone
* Platinum 4 prong setting with 2 tapered baguette diamonds totaling .34 ct

total weight of the ring is 7.7 grams

So I paid 9,300 for the whole thing, jeweler gave me an appraisal for 12,680, which I know is usually given much higher. Anyways, my girlfriend, er...fiancee...went and had it appraised at a small jewelry store near our apartment and they came back with $7,500

They didn't try and sell her anything and had the certificate to look over. I mean, that diamond alone on Blue Nile is at least 7,500 ... what the fuck?

3/1/2012 3:53:34 PM

I don't think $9300 is out of the question for something like that, especially if the center stone is certified. As for the lower appraisal from the local store, I wouldn't stress it too much. You could have paid a lot more, and if you're both happy with it then it doesn't really matter anyway.

Has your fiancee gotten it appraised anywhere else?

3/1/2012 4:01:08 PM

No that was just literally 30 minutes ago...I plan on getting it appraised at some place that maybe just does appraisals now, but I mean...I'm just trying to figure out why it would come back so low when everything I see on the internet says that 99% of jewelry will be appraised higher than you paid.

3/1/2012 4:03:24 PM

Also, be aware of where you/your fiancee are taking the ring. I have heard of sleazy jewelers who will replace your center stone with a CZ. I haven't heard of specific stores in the area doing this, but it can't hurt to be careful about who you let appraise it.

3/1/2012 4:06:55 PM

I'm so glad I don't have to worry about this anymore. I tried to get my then gf to read that article from The Atlantic but she did not give a rat's ass.

3/1/2012 4:13:29 PM

I don't know a lot, basically just what I picked up while I was in the market last year, but 7500 sounds seriously lowball for that. I was under the impression that appraisals generally err high since they are most commonly used for insurance purposes and you don't want to underinsure yourself. Maybe their appraisal more of a "this is what we would pay if you wanted to sell us the ring" which is of course going to be much lower than the actual value?

3/1/2012 4:15:36 PM

I'll have to get a full description from her when I see her, but from what I gather at the moment they didn't offer to sell her anything, didn't offer to buy the ring, and said that everything matched the certificate she had with her. I just don't see any motivation for them right off to low ball it, which kind of only leaves that they don't know what they are doing, which seems unlikely also.

3/1/2012 4:21:20 PM

Quote :

"I think the "I don't like surprises" is a BS excuse when it comes to gifts and engagements. If it's something you want, but you haven't told anyone or discussed it with your significant other, you are not going to be happy when you get it/it happens??"

Who said anything about not being happy if it were a surprise? I work with my hands all day, and picking an engagement ring that was too large or high would've been awful because I'm constantly taking gloves on and off. So yeah, I wanted to go and try a bunch on and pick one that was more in a band setting that would allow me to wear it and be able to do my job well. I'm sorry if you think this is not romantic or somehow too picky, but I have small hands and I don't know if picking one without my hands being present would've worked. I'm not being "anal about getting the perfect ring" or some bullshit. We already agreed to get married when we went to get the ring: I've already been happy enough just being in a relationship with him for 4+ years now. So I'm sorry, but I wasn't any more on cloud 9 when we discussed marriage than I have been for years now.

Quote :

"I asked my Dad about the whole asking permission from the father to ask...he said he didn't....so maybe that is a bit too traditional?"

I actually would have been insulted if Kodiak had done this. Not that I don't respect my father's blessing, but it's absolutely none of his business.

[Edited on March 1, 2012 at 8:14 PM. Reason : .]

3/1/2012 8:07:22 PM

shouldn't a future husband know that his chick is going to work with their hands?

I think jbrick is on to something. It just seems way less romantic and more like grocery shopping. It's not as much a symbol of my love. The idea of surprising her is pretty exciting too. I need to buy one of these things soon. I'm still so shocked by the prices, maybe I'm just poor.

3/1/2012 9:12:33 PM

^^My husband did, and so did both of my brother in laws. My Dad expected it, and wouldn't have said anything other than yes. It was an issue of respect for us, and I wouldn't have taken that away from my Dad. So, personally, it was the right thing for our situation.

3/1/2012 9:25:06 PM

My Dad probably wouldn't care either way, but just he in case he does, I'd rather Peter ask permission first. I'm not even really close with my Dad, but I still respect his opinions.

3/1/2012 9:32:40 PM

Quote :

"I think jbrick is on to something. It just seems way less romantic and more like grocery shopping. It's not as much a symbol of my love."

Well I don't really get a kick out of seeing a ring on my finger, either (apparently other women must)

I feel romantic thinking about him, not through some kind of symbol, that's all

it's mostly there to let other people know I'm taken

Even if you don't think it's romantic, it's not less special because we both went to buy it. At the end of the day, there's still a ring on my finger and he put it there.

Quote :

"shouldn't a future husband know that his chick is going to work with their hands?"

Of course he does. But 90% of traditional engagement rings are things like solitaires or three stones, which all stick up too much for my purposes. I think I actually ended up getting something labeled as a "wedding band" or "fashion ring." It wasn't going to be a conventional search, so I wanted to help.

[Edited on March 1, 2012 at 9:46 PM. Reason : .]

3/1/2012 9:36:45 PM

Quote :

"I actually would have been insulted if Kodiak had done this. Not that I don't respect my father's blessing, but it's absolutely none of his business."

Did your parents fund your wedding?? Just curious.

3/2/2012 7:04:56 AM

Not asking my father for permission to marry me has nothing to do with whether or not he's paying. It's about my future husband respecting that I am an autonomous decision maker about my own life. I guess if you're planning on your wedding being a 20k affair it might be polite to ask if you're assuming he's footing the bill. But maybe it's more polite to ask whichever of her parents make the most money, if that's what you're trying to reason. Even if you're down with this traditional sort of thing: why exclude her mother from having her say as well? If you're going to ask permission, ask both parents. I just think that the tradition is some leftover patriarchal bullshit from a time when women had a lot less say in their own lives.

Yes, they're paying for some things, mostly dinner. Kodiak's parents are paying for some stuff too: should I have asked his parents' permission to marry their son?

I mean, LOL because our wedding is going to have exactly 9 people in attendance (including the two of us getting hitched) and is far cheaper than the huge thing my sister did last year.

[Edited on March 2, 2012 at 10:55 AM. Reason : .]

3/2/2012 10:46:07 AM

My fiance called my mom and told her he was asking me before he asked. Didn't really ask permission, just let her in on the secret. She was thrilled. She raised me though, not my dad.

3/2/2012 10:55:10 AM

that's sweet: I'm totally cool with giving them a heads up

it's the permission part that I find gag-inducing

3/2/2012 10:56:55 AM

Not speaking to her father about it beforehand is my one regret of the whole process. I'm just notoriously bad on the phone, and I don't call her parents up out of the blue anyway, so I wasn't comfortable with doing it as a phone call. And the last time she went to visit her family, I ended up not going because I couldn't get off of work. So there went my plan to speak to him about it in person since they live 3.5 hours away. But I really wish I had--not that he was upset about it or disappointed (as far as he let on), and not that I would have felt like I had to ask permission (I specifically was going to use the word blessing, as I feel asking "permission" is somewhat insulting to the girl as an independent person). But I still feel bad for not doing so.

3/2/2012 11:02:28 AM

You all are way over thinking this parents thing. Mine still don't know I'm married 2+ years in. Sadly, the SO is learning why I made this decision.

3/2/2012 11:10:51 AM

My attitude on it: It's nothing more than courtesy. Regardless of what the father is going to say you are still going to propose. It's like saying please and thank you, or not putting your elbows on the table. I personally don't know why there are people who care about having your elbows on the table and I don't see it as being disrespectful at all, but if I'm in the presence of someone who would rather I refrain from it I will, because it doesn't seem like something important enough to cause any ill-will over.

3/2/2012 11:15:47 AM

Quote :

"that's sweet: I'm totally cool with giving them a heads up it's the permission part that I find gag-inducing"

I think you're getting hung up on the word "permission." I feel it's more like:

Quote :

"My attitude on it: It's nothing more than courtesy."

Unless you have an issue with your father...he makes up half of your DNA and raised you for most of your life and it's "none of his business"?? Not to mention he's going to be paying for the event that celebrates something that "isn't his business". But hey, whatever floats your boat.

3/2/2012 12:39:37 PM

Quote :

"he makes up half of your DNA and raised you for most of your life and it's "none of his business"?? Not to mention he's going to be paying for the event that celebrates something that "isn't his business". But hey, whatever floats your boat."

It's none of his business in the sense that it's my decision to marry the guy or not. Honestly nothing he would say would ever change my decision on the matter, even if he refused to pay for anything. I don't have issues with him, and he only wishes me the best. But I told him we were getting married before he offered to help in any way.

It's presumptive of you to assume that my father is the breadwinner of our family, too.

[Edited on March 2, 2012 at 11:40 PM. Reason : .]

3/2/2012 11:39:53 PM

Feminist have arrived in the thread.

the "permission" word was incorrect of me to use since everyone is quoting me. I should have said "seek his blessing".

My sister has been dating a guy for over 2 years and she just found out he got orders to Ballston Spa, NY and she has an amazing job in Virginia Beach, VA. She pretty much told him she wasnt moving unless she got a commitment. My dad hates her bf and my dad hates nobody...well except him. He said that he would expect him to seek his blessing, and he would just tell him..."she loves you, i respect that, if you beat her, ill kill you"

I respect my GF's father quite a bit, he reminds me a lot of my Dad. I would seek his blessing, not because he is footing the bill, but because its the right thing to do and very respectful to him as her father...since in the wedding he is the one who "gives the bride away"...unless of course you plan on doing away with this part of the wedding.

3/5/2012 4:50:23 AM

we're not doing that part of traditional ceremonies, obviously

I'm my own person and not his to "give"

I do get hung up on words like "give" and "permission" in these situations, just as I get upset at women's traditional vows using the word "obey." Lots of other people seem to like these traditions, I just can't condone them for myself.

and of course I'm a feminist: I'm someone who believes in women and men having equal rights

people need to get over using "feminist" as some kind of dirty word

anyway, I've said enough about my views on this... let the ring thread continue

[Edited on March 5, 2012 at 7:32 AM. Reason : .]

3/5/2012 7:24:11 AM

We have the same opinions, StillFuchsia. All the traditional wedding crap pisses me off so bad I decided I never wanted to go near it. Still hoping the boy will realize it's only fair for us to pick a new last name instead of me taking his.

If I were to get an "engagement" ring it would be the same type you got too, because I don't want it getting in the way (channel set sapphires, no diamonds though). Having never worn rings before, I ordered a cheap one off ebay and quickly decided I didn't like them.

3/5/2012 9:12:29 AM

I never wore rings before my wedding band. When you're wearing it every day you forget it's there after a few weeks.

3/5/2012 9:40:51 AM

i was wearing mine constantly for a while but it got too irritating when i was trying to sleep. I mostly just put them on for special occasions now.

3/5/2012 10:31:52 AM

Quote :

"and of course I'm a feminist: I'm someone who believes in women and men having equal rights people need to get over using "feminist" as some kind of dirty word"

because not all feminists are as level-headed as you are portraying in this thread.

Quote :

"Still hoping the boy will realize it's only fair for us to pick a new last name instead of me taking his."

Explain your logic.

3/5/2012 11:45:59 AM

You know you have a solid stance when lewoods comes in for support...

3/5/2012 12:04:26 PM

It's not for everyone, but it's right for me. There's nothing "unsolid" about my choices.

Quote :

"When you're wearing it every day you forget it's there after a few weeks."

Agreed: I'm glad we got an engagement ring so I could get used to it. Half the time I forget I'm wearing it now, so I have no worries about the wedding band.

Though I always take off jewelry when I sleep: do most people keep their wedding rings on?

[Edited on March 5, 2012 at 7:10 PM. Reason : ,]

3/5/2012 7:02:08 PM

too all feminists out there, i'm fine if you want to keep your last name. Just don't do that hyphenated last name BS, and then make your kids have hyphenated last name also. I hate that shit

3/5/2012 7:07:36 PM

I'm not changing my name

but Kodiak and I aren't having kids, so that shouldn't be an issue

[Edited on March 5, 2012 at 7:09 PM. Reason : .]

3/5/2012 7:08:43 PM

^^^ I sleep with mine on. Husband does not.

3/5/2012 7:24:47 PM