this is probably old, but i just stumbled upon it last night and couldn't stop reading stories in the "story archives". i probably have a few stories i could add to it.

http://www.etiquettehell.com/

6/9/2010 12:40:34 PM

Quote :

"i always thought it was tacky to invite someone to a shower and not the wedding? is that not the case or have rules changed on that?"

I believe it is rude to invite somebody to a Bridal Shower if they are not invited to the wedding, but engagement parties and "second receptions" are completely different IMO. These aren't "come bring me presents" events, they are celebrations of the impending or recent marriage hosted by somebody other than the couple, and the guest list for them is thus up to the host and not necessarily affected by the wedding guest list.

6/9/2010 1:19:48 PM

I, too, thought engagement parties aren't the gift-giving type of event... but my parents are throwing Eric and I one this weekend and I've had at least 5 people ask if they should bring a gift! :\ I told them no... hopefully they will listen

6/9/2010 1:29:33 PM

Quote :

"unless they're paying (and in that case, i think they're allowed a little more flexibility with inviting who they want) then you can use that as an out i would think "

We are paying for the entire wedding ourselves. His family did offer to pay for a rehearsal dinner and my mom gave us a little cash to go toward other stuff.

Quote :

"give her something to plan"

I'm almost afraid to. I put her in charge of helping with the centerpieces because she does floral work and she is really good. I found a design I liked and she offered to make ONE to show me and then if I liked it, she would go ahead with the rest....I got an email a few weeks ago stating she had went ahead and bought all the centerpiece vases and three big bunches of this one flower....I still haven't seen it...but here's to hoping it's not ugly.

I asked my fiance to talk to her because I agree it is important it comes from him...but we are both afraid he will be unnecessarily harsh (he's kinda like that...:\)...We decided next time we are home, we are going to print out OUR guest list and then give them some blanks to write in names - Perhaps 3 people per person. We also plan to explain that just because someone is not coming, that doesn't open up a place on the list for an additional invitee since we are on a strict budget.

6/9/2010 1:39:02 PM

Quote :

"this is probably old, but i just stumbled upon it last night and couldn't stop reading stories in the "story archives". i probably have a few stories i could add to it. http://www.etiquettehell.com/"

there are a lot of people on that site that talk about how upset they were that they weren't invited to a wedding.
that scares me

6/9/2010 2:19:55 PM

this is where you make the choice to have a wedding / vacation at a remote destination and announce it

this will eliminate everyone who doesn't truely want to be there

they will get a mini vacation out of it and you can extend for the honeymoon or leave from there

6/9/2010 2:25:19 PM

Quote :

"i always thought it was tacky to invite someone to a shower and not the wedding? is that not the case or have rules changed on that?"

i think it is rude. i know i was invited to a bachelorette party for a girl once but not her wedding. and the bachelorette would have had a lingerie shower so i politely declined. i had another bachelorette party that weekend anyways (to which i was invited to that wedding).

6/9/2010 2:28:40 PM

i agree w/ whats been said. bachelorette parties and showers - i think its totally rude to invite someone who isn't invited to the wedding.

however, engagement parties can be planned by ANYONE. some couples have several (thrown by their parents or friends of parents or friends, etc. here the couples are not in charge of the guest list - whoever is planning it is in charge. like if my grandmother threw me an engagement party/luncheon it would be with all of her friends. some of whom would no doubt eventually get invited to the wedding, but obviously not all of them. i don't think an engagement party has anything to do with the guest list of the wedding since a) at the time of said party you might not have guest list planned yet anyway and b) its up to the host of the party who to invite.

and also - i don't view engagement parties as present giving parties either, but some will get confused and bring gifts. its happened at like every engagement party i've been to. its kinda awkward but oh well - its gonna happen

OH and because theres a bunch of etiquette talk in here i thought i'd mention this book - this book doesn't have the answers to ALL the questions asked here because its not written specifically for wedding planning BUT it answers A LOT - about attending and being the one getting married. it has like 200 pages of info on weddings. plus it is a great reference for other etiquette questions - from funerals to job interviews, giving toasts, baby showers, like everything. some of the stuff is admittedly a bit archaic (theres a whole section on croquet etiquette haha, and a bunch of stuff about privacy in the family). but its a really good reference book i've used a million times. and it also makes a great gift, too (i think it'd be a good shower gift to go along with something off a registry)


[Edited on June 9, 2010 at 2:41 PM. Reason : .]

6/9/2010 2:35:49 PM

Quote :

"i always thought it was tacky to invite someone to a shower and not the wedding? is that not the case or have rules changed on that?"

IMHO, only other exception, besides engagement parties & post-honeymoon receptions, to that is small (< ~30 ppl) destination weddings

and yep...people will get mad they aren't invited...it happened to me. Hell, I was guilty of it myself--my bff from hs, which is my sil's sister, didn't invite me...it was family only and a few mutual friends. It really hurt at first--her sister marriedmy brother, i felt like an exception-- but I kept it to myself. I was invited to the bachelorette and engagement parties though. Our other two close friends from hs did not keep their disappointment to themselves. After seeing how torn my friend was and how hurt she was that they couldn't understand why it wasn't personal...I got over my disappointment.

6/9/2010 2:46:58 PM

i think the etiquette goes both ways. the bride and groom shouldn't invite someone to the showers and/or bachelor/bachelorette party and not the wedding, just like guests invited who are not supposed to bring a +1 don't bring a +1.

one of my friends is dealing with that now. apparently they made a list of who can bring a +1 and who couldn't and people who were invited without a +1 wrote in names of their guests which in the grand scheme of things, adding extra heads means extra $$$ that needs to be spent. and this bride was very clear from day 1 that if you weren't in a serious relationship, engaged, or married, then you probably wouldn't be allowed to bring a guest. worst comes to worst, ask the bride or groom if you're allowed to. don't just assume you can bring someone because it's a wedding.

6/9/2010 3:30:18 PM

^ EXACTLY!

serious relationships, engaged people, married people make sense for +1s. i think if i get married anytime soon and my bachelor cousins (who are all in their 30s) are still single, i'd want to offer to let them bring a +1 even if they aren't in a serious relationship. just cause what are they gonna do - sit at the kid's table? i want them to have fun and they're family. but other than that i totally agree.

writing in a guest's name on a card is tacky!! i went to a friend's wedding and people just showed up with +1s. WTF. its like people assume they are allowed to bring a guest not realizing it costs extra - a LOT extra. i mean with my friend's wedding i'd been dating my SO for awhile and he wasn't invited - so even serious relationships i think can be borderline. and i wasn't angry about it cause we aren't engaged or married so...its not like he's obligated to be invited. and cost aside, who wants randos showing up at their wedding. SIGH. what is with people. it seems like common sense but clearly it isn't for a lot of people.

6/9/2010 4:05:52 PM

Quote :

"there are a lot of people on that site that talk about how upset they were that they weren't invited to a wedding. that scares me"

haha yeah I don't really get that. "Oh no! I don't have to buy you an expensive gift! "

I could see myself being miffed though if it was someone I've been closest friends with since elementary school and they threw a big wedding and didn't invite me. But other than that, I could give two hoots

6/9/2010 6:55:53 PM

today makrs the one year mark


our pre-anniversary

6/11/2010 7:24:00 AM

So I just got some more info on rentals from my planner, and she's listed the following options for lounge seating, but I can basically pick whatever I want from this company's collection. I liked the first one instantly, but I'm very bad at picturing the others actually set-up all nice and what-not. What do you ladies (and maybe some gents?) think?


those are little square stools tucked under each corner


groups of 2-3 chairs per ottoman


group of 3-4 cube ottomans per table (2 on one long edge, one on each short?)

They have some nicely arranged items in their look book, but you'll have to check out their site (snyderlounge.com) to see it (stupid flash!)

[Edited on June 11, 2010 at 5:13 PM. Reason : 0]

6/11/2010 5:12:05 PM

HA! one of my friends just posted her engagement photos - i think these are cute. i'm not commenting on the photography skillz or anything i just think the pictures are cute - they're obviously WAY into football and she went to florida and he went to fsu hah so i thought these were cute/fun.

6/11/2010 10:47:34 PM

^ So do you think they're cute?

6/12/2010 1:01:29 AM

So this dude I know keeps making comments about how he "hopes people are generous" at his wedding...which I am invited to....and I have just been letting it slide...but now he posted this one his FB:

Quote :

"so I get married on june 19 and I could not invite everyone but if you feel like blessing me with some cash for my big day here is my address: **** ******** *** ** apt ### raleigh nc #####...."

6/12/2010 10:46:47 PM

whoa... tacky

6/12/2010 10:55:09 PM

^^^ hahaha. oops. i was rambling. my b

^^ holy shit. that is ridiculous. gah. PEOPLE!

6/12/2010 11:05:50 PM

^ and ^^ I know, RIGHT?

Now I am stressing about how much to give him! He invited me and my fiance and we both planned to attend but I am reading online about it being $75 per person and my fiance thinks that is absurd....I mean, we are traveling to Charlotte for the wedding....should we give $75 each?

We have only hung out once when we were not at work but mostly we just see each other at work or like, at a happy hour after work...my fiance has never met him.

HELP.

6/12/2010 11:18:12 PM

usually, if i buy from the registry i spend around $70-80 and if they're close friends i will give a check for $100

i have to travel for all the weddings i go to.. like airplane travel...charlotte isnt that bad! (and as a result, i go to very few weddings that im invited to)

6/12/2010 11:20:51 PM

^^ Damn, that sort of money grubbing would guarantee I wouldn't be going to that wedding in the first place. Ridiculous.

What I would do is go somewhere like Belk's and see what sort of stuff they have in their clearance section. You might be able to find something very nice for very little in price, and who the hell cares if he actually wants it with the attitude he has?

I did this for a wedding I went to that had a similar vibe. Went to JC Penny and found this big ass wooden spoon/spatula/etc set that came in a ceramic holder. Thing was originally $100 (wtf) and I got it for $20.

6/12/2010 11:27:46 PM

^I would do that but they haven't registered anywhere and they even put a little note in their invite, like a little poem, about giving to their wedding wishing well....so, another faux pas...asking for money in the invite.

^^I know Charlotte isn't that bad but it is a lot for me since I won't be getting another paycheck until August. If you take a hotel room downtown plus gas to get there, it's already like $200. And is that per person or total?

6/12/2010 11:32:47 PM

i usually go to weddings solo because of travel expenses..not sure if that should be per person, seems way high unless its a high class fancy pants wedding or something

sounds like they wanted a wedding despite not being able to afford one. if $75 is what you can afford, then thats what you should give. or just cancel the trip sounds like you need the $200 more than they need the 75

[Edited on June 12, 2010 at 11:41 PM. Reason : sdkjfjkds]

6/12/2010 11:41:02 PM

^haha, I mean, I'm not subsisting off of rice and bean curd as of yet...I just wanted to originally give around 50-75 but now that he is begging for money, I feel pressure to give more.

6/12/2010 11:43:41 PM

^^^ Wow that's some bullshit. I would give them a gift instead anyway. I'm sure other people will as well. I don't need my friendship judged by how much cash I dropped in their card box

6/12/2010 11:54:00 PM

I'd give them $1, because of that attitude.

6/12/2010 11:58:24 PM

:o\ I still have to work with this guy, you know. I also invited him to my beach wedding next summer. I would not expect him to give me more than $50 for him and his fiance to attend. I think covering the cost of the plate is ridiculous. How are you even suppose to know how much a plate costs? I would get them something for their home but I really think I'd be the only person to bring a gift. Since my fiance is not planning on giving much, I considered calling and canceling my "plus one" but it's been awhile since I RSVPed and his wedding is next weekend...kinda late notice.

6/13/2010 12:04:37 AM

dont obsess over the amount. you were already planning on giving the 50-75 just go with that

the fact that hes soliciting money on facebook for his wedding is beyond tacky

you MUST post what this particular person gives you for your wedding.. i mean honestly!

6/13/2010 12:12:45 AM

Quote :

":o\ I still have to work with this guy, you know"

So?
If he wants to show his horrible manners in the workplace, by all means, let him

6/13/2010 12:18:14 AM

Yeah seriously, do NOT let this jerk guilt-trip you. And you definitely would not be the only person to give them a gift, trust me on this. Even if he manages to cajole all his coworkers, there's still all her guests AND all their family in the mix too. I know damn well that if I told my grandma to just give me money I could expect a crappy toaster from Goodwill as my wedding gift

6/13/2010 12:23:44 AM

^I am the only coworker who is attending. I think he may have invited one other person. haha toaster from goodwill. To each his own.

^^I see what you are saying and it is easier to say than to actually do. If giving them $1 would in some way improve the situation, I would consider it...but I really just think it continues the negative spiral. His behavior is unforgivable, yes, but do I need to respond with unforgivable behavior? No.

[Edited on June 13, 2010 at 12:27 AM. Reason : .....]

6/13/2010 12:24:47 AM

I still wouldn't change the amount you were originally planning to give.

Just be glad you're not going to a Japanese wedding. People here hate getting invited to weddings. Means you're down for giving at LEAST $300 cash. Sucks

6/13/2010 1:17:41 AM

any guys (or girls, i suppose) who care to weigh in...where are you getting/renting your tuxes/suits? i'm not especially concerned about fashion, quality, or style...basic black or charcoal (haven't decided which) is good enough...polyester is fine, i don't need or want wool

cheap is preferable...i've already lost to my fiancée since her bridesmaids dresses were $32/each (and generally did not need to be altered), but i'm trying to make it as low as possible

i saw that s&k (i think) had advertised tux rentals for $50, but i haven't looked into, yet

6/14/2010 8:14:28 AM

Why not buy a suit that you can also use for work? Then you're getting your money's worth

6/14/2010 9:01:24 AM

my work attire is shorts, flipflops, and t-shirts...hopefully, i will never have to dress up more than that on a regular basis (i keep a suit here for those occasions when i meet with VIPs, which is only once or twice a month)...besides, i already have a suit, as do my groomsmen

that said, i'd rather spend the same amount of money purchasing a suit as renting a tux, but my other suit is actually a decent wool one, and i don't need another one (especially not another dark one)...it's mostly the same for my groomsmen, as they're all professionals that have no need for another suit

our suits would not match very well, unfortunately, or i'd just have them wear what they have

6/14/2010 10:19:44 AM

I had quite a few people bring us gifts to the engagement party, even after my mom or I informed people please no gifts (after being asked a few times). Of course I accepted (I would never turn something away) so I'm going to do thank you cards with really personal letters... but I was just happy to see most people didn't go too crazy and get expensive things!

... except two people got us $50 in Pier 1 gift cards and our good family friend got us a set of Emeril stainless steel pots/pans with these crazy straining lids so you can just bypass the strainer all together and keep everything in the pot


But it was a really nice time my mom and stepdad went above and beyond... and my centerpieces turned out awesome!

6/14/2010 12:08:29 PM

Quote :

"our good family friend got us a set of Emeril stainless steel pots/pans with these crazy straining lids so you can just bypass the strainer all together and keep everything in the pot"

are these the copper and aluminum base ones? my fiancée and i registered for the full set because it seemed to be the best (made by all-clad, even if not quite the same quality as the 4x more expensive stuff, still extremely nice)...LOVE the lids and weight of the set

i'm sure someone will give them to us...i'm stoked

6/14/2010 12:30:26 PM

i went with tuxedo rentals for my wedding. i have 12 people including myself renting tuxedos. ended up getting everyone to go to mens wearhouse, they are each paying about 160 for their rental.

6/14/2010 1:10:09 PM

^2 yeah, they're baller... I'm saving to use for my move to Alabama because I know I'll be the only one using them so Eric doesn't need them as of yet

6/14/2010 1:31:14 PM

ok this is kinda weird. I have not registered at that many places, but would like to get things cheaper (and antique) off of ebay (sterling, crystal, etc). Would it be too weird to register for ebay gift certificates? and then tell them what you bought in the thank you?

I don't want to do the tacky wishing well, but maybe the ebay is tacky too. I don't know. ...

6/14/2010 2:02:32 PM

we put a statement on our wedding website with something to the effect that we are saving to buy a house and that monetary gifts would be welcome.

you could do something like that and then use the cash for whatever you want.

6/14/2010 2:19:27 PM

Quote :

"they are each paying about 160 for their rental."

what made them $160/each? granted, i haven't stopped by men's wearhouse, yet, but i called them about their $50 special and they said the $50 includes:

- choice of 3 styles of jacket
- pants
- shirt
- cuff links and button studs
- cummerbund
- bow tie

i believe shoes are an extra $20, premium (microfiber?) shirts are $18 , and a vest/tie is $27

even if you got all 3 of those, it's only $115...did you get some sort of premium tux (something other than black or white)?

6/14/2010 2:55:08 PM

damn man, my tux rentals must be super cheap then... (way under $100 for everything but shoes, most of us will have a pair of black shoes)...

6/14/2010 2:57:46 PM

we got the calvin klein one button suit.

http://www.menswearhouse.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?langId=-1&storeId=10601&catalogId=10051&categoryId=&parent_category_rn=&productId=10149&top=10651



not sure why the price is what it is.

[Edited on June 14, 2010 at 3:00 PM. Reason : ]

[Edited on June 14, 2010 at 3:00 PM. Reason : ]

6/14/2010 2:59:35 PM

^ the $50 deal men's wearhouse offers includes a 1-button jacket option, but i have no idea what brand it is

i'll check them out tonight

6/14/2010 3:06:24 PM

My wedding is also on July 3rd. The tuxedo rental was something that I set up right in the middle of prom season.

6/14/2010 3:20:40 PM

but then again i got a nice fat discount both with the # being rented and from a wedding fair they had in Raleigh several months ago

6/14/2010 3:21:21 PM

^^ good point

^ i never thought about that, but i've heard the prices are cheaper there, as well

6/14/2010 3:39:47 PM

yup. i got my rental for free as well as another free suit out of the deal.

6/14/2010 3:55:45 PM