Quote :

" Me: “Thank you for calling [phone company], how may I help you?” Customer: *slurring* “Yeeeaah, you f***ers owe me a 40 of Jack Daniels!” Me: “Pardon me?” Customer: “I SAID YOU OWE ME A 40 OF JACK!” Me: “Why is that, sir?” Customer: “Well, youse is the phone company, right? Youse guys make the phones ring, right?” Me: “Umm…” Customer: “My phone f***ing rang and I knocked my bottle over tryin’ to get it.” Me: “Oh, right.” *laughs* Customer: “YOU THINK I’M JOKIN’?! Get me a manager!” Me: “Sir, we’re not responsible for you knocking over your liquor.” Customer: “Yes you f***in’ are! I want a credit on my bill!” Me: *click* "

i call bullshit. wtf is a 40 of JD?

2/25/2009 10:39:49 AM

souds like somebody was downing shots of Jack and drinking a Colt 40 as a chaser.

maybe he knocked both over

2/25/2009 10:43:06 AM

Quote :

" (Some days when there aren’t enough lifeguards, we have to close off the deep end of the wave pool - but, we aren’t allowed to tell guests that reason.) Customer: “What’s with the buoy line?” Me: “It’s there to keep you from entering the deep end.” Customer: “Well, duh! Why is it there?” Me: “Oh, the deep end is closed right now.” Customer: “That’s so f****** stupid! There’s no reason the deep end should be closed!” Me: “I’m sorry, sir. The water is…broken.” Customer: “Oh, sorry then. Have a nice day.” "

2/25/2009 2:08:52 PM

♥ neverright
thx xtine!

2/25/2009 2:09:39 PM

Quote :

" (This is a friend’s experience while working at a popular fast food place on the overnight shift.) Employee: “Thanks for calling, how may I help you?” Customer: “Hi. I came through drive-thru earlier tonight, and there’s something wrong with my food.” Employee: “Um, okay…what’s wrong exactly?” Customer: “Well, I ordered ***, and there was a used condom on the sandwich.” Employee, holding in a laugh: “Sir, that’s impossible. We don’t practice safe sex here.” Customer: “Well played.” *hangs up* "

2/26/2009 10:34:30 AM

Quote :

"Is That A Pinot Noir In Your Pocket… by admin (I work as a bagger at the local grocery store. An old man walks through the checkout lane with spandex pants on and what appears to be a wine bottle stuffed down.) Cashier: “Sir, there is no way in h*** that you are THAT well-endowed. Get your butt back here!"

2/27/2009 9:50:59 AM

lol, i saw that one earlier

2/27/2009 9:56:46 AM

Quote :

" (A man on his mid-forties shoves a DVD case on the counter, while yelling at me. Keep in mind that I’m wearing glasses.) Customer: “This DVD doesn’t work, G** D***it! I want a refund!” Me: “Okay… what seems to be the problem?” Customer: “I don’t know, it doesn’t work!” (I open the case and check the surface of the DVD. It was so scratched that it was nearly white instead of purple, and it even had a dry fingerprint of something that looked like peanut butter.) Me: “Um… sir?” Customer: “WHAT?!” Me: “I can’t give you a refund for a product that has been damaged by the customer.” Customer: What?! The disc is fine! I want a refund!” Me: “Sir, the disc is damaged, and I cannot give you a refund.” Customer: “I want to speak to the manager!” Me: “Of course.” (I walk away to the back of the store, take off my glasses, and walk to the counter again.) Me: “Yes, what is the problem?” Customer: “YOUR POOR EXCUSE FOR A SALESMAN WON’T–” (He suddenly figures it out.) Customer: “F*** THIS S***!” *continues swearing while he storms out of the store* "

3/2/2009 4:04:27 PM

Quote :

"(During a busy day right before Christmas, a woman comes up to my register, cutting the entire line, and slaps a gift card down on the counter.) Customer: “I need fifty dollars on this gift card.” Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a line and I’m afraid you’ll have to wait.” Customer: “No.” Me: “Excuse me?” ‘ Customer: “I’ve been waiting here before any of these people got here! I NEED THIS GIFT CARD NOW!” Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I just can’t do that. You’ll have to wait like everyone else.” Customer: “Now you’re just pretending you didn’t see me just so you can be a little b**** and tell me no! I want to speak to your manager!” Me: “Ma’am, there’s no need to yell. I was busy with customers and didn’t see you standing there. I apologize for that, but I really must ask you to wait in line.” Customer: “NO! You little b****! You don’t understand! I am a nurse! This is for a patient!” Me: “My answer won’t change.” Customer: “This is for a patient! It’s Christmas! Don’t you have a f****** heart?! Where is your Christmas spirit?!” Me: “I’m Jewish.” Customer: “Put fifty dollars on this gift card before i get you fired! This is for a patient and he is dying! I need it now!” Me: “…if he’s dying, what the h*** is he going to do with a gift card?” (She stalked off angrily when she saw not only my manager, but the police coming towards her. By the way, I got a raise after that.)"

3/3/2009 11:51:51 AM

Quote :

" (My coworker has just put together a very expensive PA System for the pastor of a church.) Coworker: “Alright pastor, is there anything else I can get for you today?” Pastor: “No… thank you. I’m very grateful for all your help. What is the price, son?” Coworker: “Well, after all of the added items and sales tax, your total comes to $4,478.89.” Pastor: “What!? Let me ask you this… what would JESUS pay for this?!” Coworker: *without delay* “Sir, Jesus paid the ultimate price and died for your sins. Your total is still $4,478.89.” (The pastor was not amused, but paid the full amount.) "

3/7/2009 9:24:09 PM

add to my topics

3/7/2009 10:13:36 PM

Quote :

" Customer: “How many pine nuts are in your ‘Lemon Orzo with Pine Nuts’?” Me: “A good amount, why?” Customer: “Because my husband is allergic, and I was just wondering how much I’d be able to give to him.” Me: “Well, ma’am, do you like your husband?” Customer: “Yes, why?” Me: “Because it could very well kill him.” Customer: “…” Me: *nodding* Customer: “Oh…” "

3/7/2009 10:23:47 PM

Some of these are obviously fake -- like the "make it not snow" one.

But still funny to read.

3/7/2009 10:40:18 PM

Quote :

"(Everyone I work with knows I’m gay. A customer has just paid for her order.) Customer: “Stop staring at my boobs!” Me: “Huh?” Customer: “You heard me!” Me: “Lady, I was just counting the money you gave me.” Customer: “No, you were staring at my boobs and pretending to count the money. Let me talk to your manager right now! I’m going to get you fired!” (Before I can say anything, one of my male coworkers comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my chest.) Coworker: “I’m the manager. Are you bothering my boyfriend?” Customer: *takes her food and leaves* Coworker’s girlfriend, to me: “Hey, wanna come over tonight?”"

3/7/2009 11:21:32 PM

Quote :

"(My friend worked in the phone service department of an undergarment company. One day he got a call from an unhappy woman. We’ll call him David.) Customer: “Yes, I’m calling to see why my order hasn’t arrived yet.” David: “Could you please give me some information about your order?” (The customer then goes on to inform him that her gargantuan pair of panties designated by untold numbers of X’s have yet to arrive and she’s very upset.) David: “Well you see ma’am, the cargo plane that your panties were on lost power and the pilot had to use them to parachute to safety.” (The customer did not have a sense of humor. David was promptly fired. True Story.) "

3/9/2009 3:13:02 PM

Quote :

" Coworker: “Yes, miss. I understand it’s an emergency, But let me ask my coworker. He probably knows what your looking for!” Me: “What’s going on?” Coworker: “This woman was sent in looking for an item. She said it’s called a … a … something capacitor.” Me: “Well, we don’t really carry any capacitors here. That’s more of a true electronics store thing.” Customer: “Please, it’s my son’s birthday and my husband says that we desperately need to find a 120 volt flux capacitor for my son’s Xbox!” Me: “Ma’am, unless you have a Mr. Fusion, I don’t know where you’re gonna need something like that.” Customer: “What do you mean? My husband said this was an emergency! I have been to 3 stores and no one knows what I’m talking about!” Me: *laughs* “Well, your husband sent you for a part to a time machine.” Customer: “I am going to kill that man!” "

3/19/2009 9:44:11 PM

[not funny]

quit posting in here

3/19/2009 9:46:30 PM

Quote :

"You Say To-mah-to, I Say Pot-tah-to Garden Store | Santa Barbara, CA, USA Me: “Thank you for calling [garden store], this is ***. How can I help you today?” Caller: “Yeah, i have mites on my, uh… tomato plants. I need something to put on them to kill the mites” Me: “Well, sir, we have many different types of sprays and powders for bug eradication that can work.” Caller: “I need something that can work indoors.” Me: “Indoors? Like a greenhouse? Because the products we have are all natural and can be used in a greenhouse.” Caller: “I mean indoors like in my house. I don’t want to use a spray in the closet in my room.” Me: “Sir, you’re growing tomatoes in your closet?” Customer “Uh, yeah… so what can I use?” Me: “Well, we have a powder made of diatomes you can use to kill the mites, and you can still eat the tomatoes without any issue. It’s all natural and perfectly safe.” Caller: “That sounds good, but… umm, what if I were to smoke the tomato plant? Would that still be safe?” (I finally realize he’s NOT really talking about tomatoes.) Me: “Umm, sir, tomato plants are part of the nightshade family and are actually poisonous if ingested. I wouldn’t recommend smoking them or eating the plant itself. Just the tomato.” Caller: “But, if I had a plant that was smokeable, i could use the powder stuff and it would be okay?” Me: “Yeah, just make sure you wash it good before you um… smoke it… as you would with any home-grown vegetables and fruits.” Caller: “You’re sure? Because i don’t wanna die for smoking something i’m not supposed to.” Me: “Then make sure you aren’t smoking the tomato plants in your closet and you’ll be fine. Have a nice day!” "

3/20/2009 8:19:06 PM

Quote :

"Customer: “Excuse me?” Me: “Yes, ma’am. What can I help you with?” Customer: “I have a question about these feeder mice. If I unfreeze them, will they come back to life?”"

3/20/2009 11:15:26 PM

"This apparently unprecedented degree of anisotropy" — direction-dependent physical properties — "is akin to having diamond-like behavior in one direction, and rubber-like behavior in the others," wrote John Madden

3/21/2009 10:31:10 AM

Quote :

"Delicious, Perhaps Not So Nutritious Coffee Shop | Santa Cruz, CA, USA (A blond freshman girl comes in with a few of her friends.) Customer: “Oh my gosh! You guys are out of oranges!” Me: “Yeah, sorry. But we have apples and bananas, and orange juice.” Customer: “No! Your guys’ apples suck! And I’m going on a HIKE; I need an orange!” Me: “Well…” Customer: “No, no it’s OK. I understand.” (She suddenly notices a display of baked goods next to her.) Customer: “Oh my gosh, are those chocolate cupcakes vegan?” Me: “Yeah, I think so. I can check.” Customer: “Well, I just want to know if it’s healthy. You know, vegan equals healthy.” Me: “…it’s a cupcake.” (She stares at the expression on my face for a second, and then walks out.) "

Wish I could have tried alee's vegan cupcakes

4/9/2009 4:00:32 PM

Quote :

"(I’m finishing a transaction with a customer at the movie theater.) Me: “… and would you like to make a donation to [charity] today?” Customer: “Well let me ask you something: do YOU donate to charity?” Me: “Yes, of course. I donate to this one as well as several others.” Customer: “Well, do YOU work for any charitable organizations?” Coworker: “Actually she works with the mentally handicapped and developmentally disabled 40 hours per week.” Customer: “Oh really? Where?” Coworker: “Here.” Customer: “I really don’t appreciate that!”"

aha

4/10/2009 12:32:42 AM

Quote :

"Rage Against The Earless Machine by admin (I overheard this conversation between a self checkout machine and a customer.) Self checkout machine: “Please take your items.” Customer: “DON’T TELL ME WHAT THE F*** TO DO! WHAT? DO YOU THINK I’M STUPID? YOU THINK I’M JUST GOING TO LEAVE MY S*** HERE?!”"

aha

4/14/2009 11:02:54 AM

Quote :

"You No Challenge Tarzan Pet Store | Raleigh, NC, USA (I often wandered around the store with multiple animals to help socialize them. Most often I would have a rabbit on one shoulder, a parrot on the other and a few hamsters at hand. My boss never cared as long as I did my job and didn’t hurt anyone. I often did get odd looks, though.) Me: *walking up to customer* “Finding everything all right?” Customer: “…you’re covered in animals.” Me: “Yes. Yes, I am.” Customer: *stares for a moment longer* “…can you get me one of the large cages?” (I nab a stepladder and get the cage down, managing not to dislodge a single animal on my person.) Me: *handing customer the cage* “Here you go.” Customer: *looking disappointed* “Oh.” *wanders away* "

who knows of this?

4/14/2009 3:38:54 PM

Quote :

"(This guy called in and got the wrong department, and the correct department was in another city, or perhaps country.) Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t access your account from my department. If you’ll let me put you on hold, I’ll transfer you to someone who–” Customer: “No! Every time I get put on hold I get dropped.” Me: “Well, I can’t help you unless you let me put you–” Customer: “Stop interrupting me!” Me: “I… I’m not–” Customer: “Yes you are! Do we have to start using the over-and-out method?” Me: “I’m not sure what–” Customer: “After everything I say, I say ‘over’. Then you can talk. Then you say ‘over’, and I can talk.” Me: “I’m not really sure that’s nessec–” Customer: “Now, I need to put more minutes on my phone. Over.” Me: “I’m in the post-paid department and I can’t access Prepaid accounts here. If you’ll let me transfer you I can get someone who can help you. Over.” Customer: “No. I refuse to be put on hold. Just get someone to come over and use your phone.” (There is a long pause.) Customer: “…hello? Are you ignoring me?” *another long pause* “HELLOOOOOO!” Me: “…you didn’t say ‘over’.”"

haha.

4/22/2009 10:40:30 AM

yeah that one was posted a couple pages ago

4/22/2009 1:28:10 PM

Quote :

"Customer: “Where do y’all keep your pedophiles?” Me: “I beg your pardon?” Customer: “You know, PED-IH-FILES!” Me: “Um…” Customer: “Yeah, the pedophiles! They show it on TV… it’s where people trim their dog’s feet!” Me: “Oh, Pedi-PAWS. Right this way…” "

4/22/2009 1:49:28 PM

Quote :

"(My father is manning tables at the local flea market. A man comes up to the table and picks out an item that’s priced at $8.) Customer: “Will you take $6 for this?” Dad: “Sure.” (The man finds another item, this one priced at $5.) Customer: “Will you take $4?” Dad: “Sure.” (After a while, the man finds another item, this time priced at $6.) Customer: “$5?” Dad: “Sure.” (Finally, the man gathers all of his items together and winds up for the ultimate bargaining ploy.) Customer: “How about $20 for all three?” Dad: “Sure.” (Dad was always an agreeable sort.)"

4/28/2009 8:01:02 PM

Quote :

"(I’m a greenskeeper on a golf course and am doing some work on a green, moving the hole. I pull the pin (flag) out, which is the universal symbol for “the green is closed, don’t shoot”. As I’m doing my work, this happens…) Member: “Fore on the green! Fore on the green!” (I look up to see blue sky and a little white speck flying at me. I turn my back and the golf ball hits me square in my one good kidney. I drop like a bag of potatoes, and the member casually strolls up to the green.) Member: “Are you ok?” Me: “No, I need to get to a hospital, it hit my good kidney.” Member: “What the h*** were you doing on the green? You’re not supp–” Me: “Did you just hear me? I need an ambulance!” Member: “Don’t interrupt me, you little a**hole! Now move so I can putt!” (I grab my radio and get my superintendent, who rushes out in his cart on the phone with 911. After he hangs up, he turns to the member.) Superintendent: “Didn’t you see the pin was down?! You could have killed him! Member: “He shouldn’t be on the green during play! It’s his own fault!” (They continue arguing for a few moments until the ambulance shows up. As the EMT is getting me on a stretcher, she asks the member…) EMT: “If the pin was down, what were you aiming for?” Member: “Him.” Superintendent: “You aimed… for him?” Member: “I figured he’d be close to the hole. I mean… the pin was down! I had to aim for something!” Superintendent: “You’re a f***ing idiot!” (I found out later that the member was kicked out of the country club, and his $50,000 initiation fee as well as his $15,000 yearly dues were not refunded.)"

4/29/2009 5:06:18 PM

Quote :

"Sometimes, Ignorance Really Is Bliss Call Center | Montreal, Canada (A customer has called to redeem the points earned on her credit card in exchange for return airfare from Montreal, Qc to Chicago, Illinois. I have just given her the flight departure and arrival times.) Customer: “Why is the flight going there so short? You said it was a 90-minute flight.” Me: “The times are given in their respective time zones. We are in the Eastern time zone, but Chicago is one hour behind us, and it’s in the Central time zone. The flight really is 90 minutes long, it just looks shorter due to the time difference.” Customer: “Time…zones?” Me: “Yes, we have five time zones: Maritimes, Eastern, Central, Mountain and Pacific Time. In your case, there is a one hour difference between each zone. If it is 11:00am here, it is only 10:00am in Chicago. So when your flight arrives in Chicago at 11:30am, that is Chicago time. In Montreal it will actually be 12:30pm, so the flight is an hour and a half.” Customer: “Then why is the return flight so long? It’s like, an hour longer than the way there!” Me: “Again, it is the difference between the time zones, only in reverse. It only looks as though the flight is longer but it’s also a 90 minute flight. It adds an hour on the return flight because you are coming back East.” Customer: “I still don’t get it - the flight should be the same time in both directions. It’s 30 minutes to get there, but more than 2 hours to get back!” (After 20 minutes of more explaining I give up.) Me: “For the flight to Chicago, the wind is at your back, so the plane goes really fast. On the way back, it’s against the wind, and so the plane goes slower.” Customer: “Oh! Well that makes much more sense. Thank you!” Me: “I do my best. Have a good trip, ma’am.”"

4/30/2009 11:08:32 AM

Quote :

"(I work at an asthma and allergy specialists office, and a mom called me 5 minutes to 5:00 pm on a Friday. We were getting ready to close for the weekend.) Me: “Thank you for calling ****, my name is ****, how can I help you?” Caller: “Yes, I need to bring my son in…” Me: “Ma’am, we close our office at 5:00pm, and we don’t work weekends. Would you like to talk to the nurse?” Caller: “No, he needs to see a doctor right now!” Me: “Well, we have our doctor on call - you’re more than welcome to call him. He can answer your questions and help with anything–” Caller: “Do you speak English?! I just told you that my son needs to be seen right now! He’s had this cough since Monday, and he hasn’t been breathing right since he got it!” Me: “Well, it seems that if he’s been that bad since Monday, you would have brought him in then to be seen, or even Tuesday, and not wait until the weekend to call…” Caller: “I was really busy this week! I had an appointment at the salon almost every day after work to get my hair done, my nails…. I just didn’t have time! I have time today because the stylist just called me; she had an emergency and had to re-schedule.” Me: “Ma’am, right now our office is closed. Please take your son to the emergency room, as it seems like he needs to be seen immediately to have that cough taken care of.” Caller: *very agitated* “If I take him to the ER, that’s a $100.00 copay! That would eat into my salon funds!” Me: “…”"

4/30/2009 12:19:26 PM

^ i was flabberghasted by that one

4/30/2009 12:19:49 PM

Quote :

"From 20 Questions To Truth Or Dare from Not Always Right | Funny & Stupid Customer Quotes by admin (Note: I work at a call center doing surveys on tourism. This person was obviously drunk when I called them.) Me: “Have you visited Texas within the last six months?” Drunk guy: “Yesh.” Me: “And how many people were in your travel party?” Drunk guy: “I have had enough of your questions. It’s time for you to answer some of mine!” Me: “Sir, we only have a few more–” Drunk guy: “Enough! What is your name, and have you ever been to a nudist colony?!”""

5/2/2009 11:09:12 PM

fail...come on ambrosia

5/2/2009 11:10:02 PM

Quote :

" (I’m bus passenger and notice another passenger sitting with one half of her butt on one seat, and the other on another. The divider is between them, squarely up her crack.) Bus driver: “Ma’am, you’ll have to move. This bus is very crowded and you’re taking up two seats.” Passenger: “What do you mean I’m taking up two seats? This is how you’re supposed to sit.” Bus driver: “No it isn’t, ma’am. You’re straddling the divider.” Passenger: “You mean this isn’t the ass cheek divider?” Bus driver: “No, ma’am, that’s the seat divider!” Passenger: “Aw… but it feels good to sit like this!” Bus driver: “Well, ma’am, your …pleasure… will have to wait.”"

5/14/2009 10:47:42 AM

Quote :

"(I was working at the registers as a lady walked in with a child in a stroller. One of the other employees walked up to her.) Employee: “Aw, what a cute baby. What’s his name?” Customer: “God.” Employee: “You named the kid after God?” Customer: “No, I named him God.” "

5/18/2009 11:09:01 AM

some kinda old ones I've been meaning to post before now

Quote :

"A Number 666 With A Side Of Brimstone by admin (After serving them their fast food, a woman with a family of six runs up to the counter, furious.) Customer: “You! You stacked our food wrong! Now my kids are crying!” Me: “Pardon?” Customer: “Come look!” (She brings me down to their table, where their three pre-teens are crying their eyes out and her husband looks incredibly frustrated.) Customer: “Look!” Me: “Ma’am, I don’t see anything wrong with your food–” Customer: “[Child #1] is supposed to eat first, but his food is on the bottom! We won’t be able to get it without moving the other things!” Me: “I don’t think I understand.” Customer: “He’s the first person on the left! He has to eat first, or Satan will claim his soul!” Me: “Uh…” (I decide to ask counter-clockwise around the table what everyone ordered, and hand them their food out off the pile.) Customer:, “Oh, thank you! You will serve as a warrior of God someday!” Me: “…right.” (That family still shows up once a month or so, and suffice to say, I always run out to see what order they’re sitting in before I serve their food.)"

Quote :

"Vocabulary, Meet Veracity by admin (I work at a daycare center and am teaching a room full of two year-old children to memorize their parents’ or guardians’ names and home phone numbers.) Me: “So, what’s your daddy’s name?” Little girl: “Robert!” Me: “And what’s your mommy’s name?” Little girl: “Dammitjulia!” (Needless to say, “Robert” had a little talking-to when he came to pick up his daughter.)"

Quote :

"Fairweather Friendships by admin Me: “…and your total comes to $4.45.” Customer: “Well, I’m a close friend with the owner and he told me that you’ll hook me up with the drink.” Me: “I’m sorry, unless he told me directly I can’t do that for you.” Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?” Me: “Yes.” (Coincidentally, Bob, the owner, shows up so I give him his usual coffee.) Me: “Here you are, Bob!” Customer: “Oh, so you can hook that jerk-off up with a free drink but not me?” Me: “Sir, it’s not polite to call your close friend a jerk-off.”"

5/22/2009 6:43:05 PM

Quote :

"I’m taking applications for Supplementary Welfare Benefits. A young woman with a baby takes a seat and I take her and the baby’s details.) Me: “…and what is the name of your baby’s father?” Customer: “I don’t know his name.” Me: “Well, can you at least give a physical description and approximate age?” Customer: “No, I can’t. It was night, and he never took off his crash helmet…”"

6/2/2009 9:00:38 PM

Quote :

"Me: “Welcome to ****, what can I get for you?” Customer: “Could I get that donut right there?” *points* Me: “Sure thing.” (I put it on a plate and hand it to him.) Customer: “Can you heat it up for me, please?” Me: “No problem, I’ll just be a minute.” Customer: “Put it in for exactly 7 seconds. If you microwave food for 7 seconds, it becomes negative calories. Did you know that?” Me: “Um…I don’t think that’s how food works.” Customer: “Well, how would you know, you’re just a part-time employee at a coffee shop.” Me: “I work part-time to pay for University…where I study health and nutrition…” Customer: “What are they teaching kids these days?!” *walks away angrily without the donut* Me: “Have a nice day?”"

6/3/2009 10:38:49 AM

i love that site. some of the posts are flabbergasting... while i know the world has its fair share of stupid people, i never expected the level of stupidity seen.

6/3/2009 11:40:55 AM

Quote :

"It’s How Old Folks Say I Love You from Not Always Right | Funny & Stupid Customer Quotes by admin (I’m ringing up a young man’s order. There’s an older regular customer drinking coffee at a table across from our counter.) Me: “Okay, your total comes to $5.63.” Young man: “Oh, all I have is $5. I left my wallet at home.” Older customer: “What’s he short, a dollar? Here, I’ll give him a dollar. Come here kid.” (The young man walks over to the older customer’s table to get the dollar.) Young man: “Thank you, thank you so–” Older customer: “WHY DON’T YOU GET A F***ING JOB?!” Young man: *runs out of the store*"

ahahahahahahahahaha that's so awesome.

6/11/2009 5:49:49 PM

Quote :

"Me: “That will be 17.50, please.” Customer: “Are you a Christian, dear?” Me: “Why do you ask?” Customer: “Are you?” Me: “Well, no. Why do you want to know?” Customer: “Oh. I would like to be helped by someone else, please.” Manager: “Good morning ma’am, I hear you’ve been having a problem with the clerk?” Customer: “Oh, she didn’t make any trouble, it’s just that I don’t want my money to be handled by someone not of the faith. You should be careful, she’ll probably nick from the till when you’re not looking.” Manager: “You’re right, ma’am, I shall definitely have to reprimand her.” Me: *surprised* “What for?” Manager: “For failing to notice that the lady was not planning on paying for the three Mars bars and the map of Europe she must have put in her bag while you were fetching me.” (The customer freezes for a second, then looks at her bag.) Customer: “Good heavens! I must’ve been so distracted I didn’t even notice the devil putting them there!”"

8/27/2009 12:38:49 PM

Quote :

"Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining College Cafeteria | Kansas, USA (When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.) Mean Girl #1: “Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet.” Mean Girl #2: “Are you kidding? She’s never been on a diet in her life!” (The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.) Girl #3: *taken aback* “I…I worked out today. I need the protein.” Me: “Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!” Mean Girl #1: “Yeah, I guess you don’t have to worry about what you eat if you’re already fat and ugly!” (One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls up and down, and then turns to the third.) Coworker: “Excuse me, miss, but do you think I could get your phone number?” Girl #3: “Are you serious?” Coworker: “Completely! Who wouldn’t want a date with a beautiful girl who knows how to take care of herself?” (This was five years ago. I’m going to be the best man at their wedding.) "

awww

Quote :

"Lonely Laptop Seeks Similar For Wi-Fi Hookup Tech Support | Massachusetts, USA (A customer comes to our help desk with a laptop that needs service.) Me: “Okay, we are going to have to send your computer out for service. It’s going to take about 10 business days.” Customer: “What am I going to do?” Me: “It’s okay, I will provide you with a loaner.” Customer: “Oh, okay. Wow, that is so sad.” Me: “What is so sad? That you are going to be without your computer?” Customer: “No, that’s okay. It’s sad that they are lonely computers!” "

lulz

9/3/2009 11:26:44 AM

jesus!

Quote :

"(My table has just ordered our unlimited soup and salad.) Me: “Ok, I’ll go ahead a put this in for you and be right back with your salad and bread.” Customer: “So where is y’alls salad bar?” Me: “Pardon me?” Customer: *speaking slowly* “The sal-ad ba-ar. Where is it?” Me: “Um, we don’t have a salad bar sir, I bring it to your table.” Customer: “You bring the salad bar to the table?.” Me: “No sir, I bring out a bowl of salad for everyone at the table to share.” Customer: “So, it’s not endless?” Me: “Yes, it still is endless, I bring out as much salad as you want.” Customer: “How you gonna know how much I want?” Me: “I bring out as many bowls as you tell be to bring.” Customer: “Well how am I supposed to know how many to tell you when I don’t even know how much is in one?” Me: “After I bring out the first bowl, you can tell me if you’d like some more.” Customer: “But I want all my salad now!” Me: “We don’t bring out all the salad at once so you get the freshest product possible.” Customer: “But I want it now.” Me: “Well as soon as I go back to the kitchen, I can bring it out for you.” Customer: “But I want it now!” Me: “So I’ll go and get it for you.” (As I finally walk away, I hear him say to this to his wife, “So, where’s my salad?”)"

9/18/2009 9:21:23 AM

quotes

9/18/2009 10:00:43 AM

http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/2009/10/01/wow-just-wow/

10/1/2009 1:22:54 PM

Quote :

"Customer: “Excuse me, the bathroom door is locked and I can’t get it open. Do you have the key?” Me: “No, ma’am. If the door is locked, that means someone is using it.” Customer: “Is there a way to make sure?” Me: “Did you knock?” Customer: “Yeah, and whoever is in there keeps yelling at me that they’ll be right out!”"

10/5/2009 12:04:52 PM

Quote :

"Pane-ful Marriage from Not Always Right | Funny & Stupid Customer Quotes by admin 76 people liked this (Retail | Phoenix, AZ, USA) (A customer who has just made a purchase comes back into our store asking for help; she’s locked her keys in her car. I go out to try and help.) Me: “Ma’am, your window is open.” Customer: “What?” Me: “Your window. It’s open.” (The customer reaches in and gets her keys, opens the door, rolls up the window, locks the car, throws the keys back inside, and closes the door.) Me: “Um…” Customer: “I know! I know! It’s just that I already called my husband to bring the second set! He’d have given me h*** if he saw the window was open!”"

5/18/2010 5:29:13 PM

Quote :

"(Pharmacy | UK) Customer: “Hi there, do you sell rectums?” Me: “I’m sorry, what?” Customer: “Rectums. I need a rectum. do you sell them?” Me: “Why do you need it?” Customer: “I have some tablets here and it says ‘insert via rectum’ and as I don’t have one, I thought I better buy one.” Me: “I think I better call the pharmacist in.” (I call the pharmacist in who explains to the man exactly what a rectum is. He leaves red faced.)"

8/12/2010 8:24:01 PM

Quote :

"Death By A-Salt Grocery Store | Ontario, Canada Customer: “I checked your flyer and it said that [Major Brand] margarine was on sale this week.” Me: “I don’t believe so, but I will check our flyer to see.” (As I’m flipping through the pages she stops when she sees an advertisement for a sale.) Customer: “See, right there. It says save $2.98.” Me:”I’m sorry, ma’am, but it says save $2.98 when you buy [Company Brand] Margarine, not [Major Brand].” Customer: “Oh, well my husband needs the salt-free kind, and [Company Brand] doesn’t make a salt-free.” Me: “Well that’s not the one that’s on sale.” Customer: “Well he needs a salt-free kind.” Me: “Well, then you’ll have to buy the [Major Brand] one.” Customer: “But it’s not on sale, and he needs a salt-free.” Me: “Yes, I heard you ma’am, but if [Company Brand], doesn’t make a salt free margarine, then you will have to buy the [Major Brand].” Customer: “You don’t understand. My husband needs a salt-free margarine. If he has a normal margarine, it will spike his sodium and he’ll die.” Me: “Then you’ll have to buy the [Major Brand].” Customer: “But it’s not on sale.” Me: “Well, there’s nothing I can do about it, ma’am.” Customer: “You really don’t care anything about my husband’s health, do you? You don’t care that he could die so easily do you?” Me: “Ma’am, it’s not that I don’t care. You can buy the salt-free [Major Brand].” Customer: “But that margarine isn’t on sale! You are just going to stand there and murder my husband!”"

8/13/2010 9:44:17 PM