2+0+1+1


On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

1/1/2011 2:12:22 AM

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield...
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

1/2/2011 8:12:35 PM

What three elements combine to make a weapon?

K Ni Fe

1/11/2011 11:07:17 PM

"Hey baby, what's your sign?"

"Stop."

1/14/2011 1:02:12 PM

I was on a date with a gorgeous woman. She said, "You're so funny. It feels so good to laugh. I haven't been able to laugh since my mother died."

I said, "You laughed when your mother died?"

1/15/2011 12:10:19 AM

The wife and I were at home watching TV. I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel! ...You already know how to fish!"

1/16/2011 11:17:40 PM

A guy makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.
The guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"
"Yes, I am."
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket.
There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"
"Nope."
"Well then, what are you afraid of....?"


"Not a fuckin' thing..."

1/16/2011 11:56:01 PM

• Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
• A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
• A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
• My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
• I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
• Shotgun wedding A case of wife or death.
• I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

• I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
• A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
• Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

• Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
• Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
• Banning the bra was a big flop.
• Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

• A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
• Without geometry, life is pointless.
• When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

• Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
• Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
• If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
• I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

1/18/2011 8:10:52 PM

I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since.
I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne.

1/20/2011 12:27:54 AM

The Male Cycle

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

1/21/2011 11:09:22 PM

A Bears fan, a Packers fan and a Seahawks fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Seahawks fan insists that he is the most loyal. "This is for the Seahawks!" He yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Packers fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for the Packers!" And pushes the Bears fan off the mountain.

1/21/2011 11:11:20 PM

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."

She said, "Yes you are."

I said, "No I'm fucking not."

She said, "Can you tell the time?"

I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not fucking drunk."

1/21/2011 11:57:41 PM

Q: What is the difference between A Lawyer and a football?
A: You only get three points when you kick the football between the uprights.

1/23/2011 7:46:27 PM

So the government of Egypt has blocked all internet access.

Does that mean the country will now be renamed gypt?

1/30/2011 5:31:30 AM

When you don't drink, people always need to know why. They're like, 'You don't drink? Why?' This never happens with anything else. 'You don't use mayonnaise? Why? Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it OK if I use mayonnaise?'

2/7/2011 12:02:28 AM

A French explorer, an English explorer and an American explorer are captured by a fierce tribe. The Leader says " We are going to kill you and make your skin into a canoe! However pick one way to die and we will give it to you." The French explorer picks poison and downs it in one shouting "Viva la France" The English explorer picks a pistol and shouts " God save the Queen!" and shoots himself. The American picks a fork and begins stabbing himself frenziedly all over. The Leader is puzzled and asks " What are you doing?" and the American yells back " So much for your canoe, asshole!"

2/7/2011 11:21:29 PM

I met this girl in a club last night, I think she's a body builder.

She just so happened to build hers using chips.

2/13/2011 11:34:23 AM

The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

2/15/2011 10:53:03 PM

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 15. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Greenville pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on, Buddy?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the shit out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

2/21/2011 11:01:09 AM

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his
breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

2/23/2011 10:16:19 AM

My grandad just phoned me and said, "Where are you?"
I said, "I'm in a strip club, getting drunk and snorting cocaine, why?"

He said, "I think somebody has stolen my wallet".

I said, "Don't be stupid, who would steal $185.57 from an old man?"

2/26/2011 12:07:36 AM

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway,when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. He finally asks her why they do not eat almonds themselves.
Whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth. They are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
The old lady answers: "We just love the chocolate around them."

2/26/2011 12:09:44 AM

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

2/28/2011 1:09:58 AM

Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way...
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.

CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

3/3/2011 12:12:16 AM

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief . . . is that where the job is?"

"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."

3/4/2011 7:00:17 PM

Today at work I decided to raise the alarm.

The midgets were furious.

3/4/2011 7:00:38 PM

3/4/2011 7:02:40 PM

Q: How much coke did Charlie Sheen take?
A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

3/6/2011 12:58:45 AM

welcome to three days ago

3/6/2011 1:00:22 AM

I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage.
I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer.
He said, "You don't have much of a case."

3/7/2011 11:11:24 PM

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

3/16/2011 11:30:20 PM

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

The Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

3/17/2011 12:20:22 AM

For the second time in two years, Steve Jobs is taking a medical leave of absence from Apple.
Speculation is that he has worms.

3/22/2011 1:13:50 AM

The headteacher at my school called me in to his office today. He said "I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?"

No, I'm irresponsible. That's why I threw it.

3/23/2011 12:23:29 AM

Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....


Just thought you'd like to know.

3/23/2011 10:43:31 AM

A Beer Two-fer for today...

A man, sitting at home having a beer on the porch with his wife.

He says… “I love you.”

The wife asks… “Is that you or the beer talking?”

He replies… “It’s me, talking to the beer!”

3/24/2011 2:43:06 PM

This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down.

The bartender says, hey buddy what's your hurry?

The man says, if you had what I have you would do the same thing.

The bartender backs up and says what do you have?

The man says, about 75 cents!

3/24/2011 2:43:37 PM

As part of our Chemistry coursework, everyone in my class had to create a glue strong enough to stick a wooden chair to the wall. The teacher said my effort was the best.

I nailed it.

3/24/2011 11:03:36 PM

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place... 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said.

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre and later had drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a breakfast meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way?'

'No,' she replied... 'You just happened to catch my eye...'

3/24/2011 11:03:57 PM

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Champagne, Shrimp cocktail, Lobster a nice Puligny Montrachet followed by some Louis XIII.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job."

I asked her if she wanted dessert.

3/28/2011 11:52:06 PM

I sell balloons for 10 cents each or if you want them blown up it's 15 cents.

I've adjusted the price to cover inflation.

4/2/2011 3:42:06 AM

My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching porn.
I told her, I love my car but I still watch Formula 1 too.

She was happy with this analogy - I just never mentioned I also go to Hertz for the occasional rental.

4/3/2011 2:02:41 PM

An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. “Yes, how can I help?” asks St Peter.
“I’m here to meet Jesus,” says the Indian man.

St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, “Jesus, your cab is here!”

4/4/2011 10:21:18 AM

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

4/4/2011 10:24:39 AM

lol

4/4/2011 10:40:23 AM

Jimmy Fallon referring to Prince William's bachelor party:


"It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

4/4/2011 11:36:03 PM

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? ....Where have you been? ...Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on it went.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

4/9/2011 5:33:47 PM

George Simenon wrote 420 novels in his lifetime, including the Inspector Maigret series. He could run off a novel in 25 hours. But what Simenon bragged about most in his memoirs was that he made love to 10,000 women in his lifetime. We marvel at his stamina, literary and otherwise.

4/10/2011 10:34:56 AM

A man went to his rabbi and said "I have fifteen children. Rabbi, what should I do? The rabbi says "Haven't you done enough?"

4/10/2011 10:35:20 AM

Office Game

Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINTS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

4/10/2011 10:40:34 AM