V.


So, X-rated websites have been given the approval to have the XXX domain name?

Surely this is going to confuse Americans when they are shopping for clothes online.

4/10/2011 10:41:06 AM

Q: Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?

A: All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

4/10/2011 11:33:12 PM

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.

4/10/2011 11:33:33 PM

4/10/2011 11:33:43 PM

Walkie-talkies.
Stephen Hawking's term for the rest of the human race.

4/17/2011 8:32:37 PM

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

5/2/2011 1:07:14 AM

Apparently, Bin Laden had a 25 million dollar price tag on his head.
What kind of ridiculous, designer turban was he wearing?!

5/3/2011 6:54:44 AM

I just bought an iPad 2. It's faster, thinner and lighter than what my iPad was.
If only my wife was that then she was when I first met her.

5/5/2011 6:41:58 PM

A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"

"Well... yes."

Still without looking up: "Does that mean lick women down below?"

Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative.

With that, her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose and snapped, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

5/9/2011 11:45:00 PM

My Dad came up to me today and said, "Son, is there any chance that you can help me write the words to go in my will?"

"No problem, Dad," I said. "Just leave everything to me."

5/21/2011 3:26:35 PM

"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a Face lift and a Boob job" said my 49yr old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a new paintjob for my old Jeep." I replied.

"Why would you waste your money fixing that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one!" she said.

"My point exactly"

5/22/2011 8:15:04 AM

HA

5/22/2011 8:20:39 AM

People are making Rapture jokes like there's no tomorrow.

5/22/2011 11:46:20 PM

A man goes into Chapter's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?
I can't remember the title.”

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "That's the one, I'll take a copy."

5/25/2011 1:15:20 PM

We`ve all at one time or another given our best try at tongue twisters, have a look through this funny list and see how you do...

Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.

Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.

Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.

Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.

Six shiny snails sighed sadly.

Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.

Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.

Six seals slick sick seals.

How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer could deal dope?

Sheep shouldn't sleep in shacks.

I slitted a sheet, a sheet i slit now i sit on the sheet i slit.

I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.

Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore

Sure, the ship's ship-shape sir!

Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?

5/26/2011 11:01:09 AM

Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick.

5/26/2011 11:05:21 AM

5/27/2011 11:17:29 AM

I was driving with my daughters the other day and the subject of cockblocking came up. My younger daughter spoke up from the back seat when I asked what the female version was. She said, "It's a 'clam jam' dad."

5/27/2011 11:18:08 AM

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked a nearby trainer, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

5/27/2011 11:18:32 AM

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

5/27/2011 2:53:58 PM

The Ruger Firearms Company announced this morning that they will be marketing a new pistol in honour of new Canadian Opposition Leader Jack Layton. It will be named the “Union Worker”.
It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it.

6/1/2011 7:43:09 PM

Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?
Max Factor should make condoms.

6/3/2011 6:46:46 PM

My buddy urinates only once every seven days.

He reckons he's got a week bladder.

6/3/2011 6:47:07 PM

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep.
Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room.
He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."
So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas.
The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money.
The third guy jumps and slips, and he yells "Oh Shit!"

6/3/2011 6:47:30 PM

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers,
"Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees...
Why do you ask, Two Dogs Doing It?"

6/3/2011 6:57:57 PM

Bob Ross once painted the grand canyon that was so detailed someone went to touch it, fell in, and was never seen again.

Bob Ross invented the tree.

The emotion happy was never known until Bob Ross was born.

Bob Ross has a pacemaker, otherwise his heart would go out from being too relaxed.

Bob Ross Is the only person to draw a portrait of Chuck Norris and live to tell the tale.

Makers of the drug Valium suggest against combining this drug with a Bob Ross marathon, as it has been known to cause people to slip into comas.

In Armenia, the preferred method of anaesthetics, is to show a patient half an hour of "Joy of Painting". Two minutes are usually enough, doctors show the other 28 just to be sure the patient is under.

Bob Ross' fro was once a home for orphaned bald eagles.

Emos weren't around until Bob Ross passed away.

If Bob Ross got angry, the world would explode. Luckily for us, Bob Ross was incapable of having any emotions similar to anger.

He once painted a life sized Red Wood forest.

Bob Ross once painted a picture of Cancun's Lagoons using a toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste.

Bob Ross actually painted the Mona Lisa, but since he was so awesome, he gave Leo credit.

When Bob Ross talks about god, he's actually reffering himself in third person.

Bob Ross did not master art, he invented it.

Bob Ross didn't die, he fell asleep.

6/7/2011 3:17:19 PM

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license.
To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive.
Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

6/7/2011 3:47:14 PM

A guy is driving around the back woods of Mississippi and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired..'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

6/11/2011 12:38:01 PM

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

6/11/2011 4:40:15 PM

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

6/11/2011 4:40:57 PM

A good ole Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing."

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Arkansas a bad name, makin everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"

6/12/2011 11:28:55 AM

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

6/12/2011 11:31:23 AM

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman, "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

6/13/2011 9:31:50 AM

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

6/13/2011 12:33:02 PM

"Why did your boss jump out of the window?" the detective at the crime scene asked the secretary.
"I don't know." she sobbed. "My boss was always so nice to me. Two months ago he gave me a fur coat, last month a sports car and just today a diamond ring. Then he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish me."

"And what did you say to that?" asked the detective.

The secretary replied, "I just said, that the other men in the office always just gave me fifty dollars."

6/14/2011 11:12:32 PM

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

6/14/2011 11:16:35 PM

I <3 this thread

you should post more pics of Parrot IMHO...could help the views.

6/14/2011 11:26:57 PM

Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.

6/16/2011 4:10:26 PM

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

6/19/2011 2:28:43 PM

So now the wife is pissed at me...
Just because I received more fathers day cards than we have kids.

6/20/2011 11:26:39 PM

Engineers' Conversion Table
You scientific types will especially appreciate this one; it is pretty heavy scientific stuff... converting units:

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

6/22/2011 12:15:26 AM

Wow.


One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

6/22/2011 10:10:57 PM

A man ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and he found himself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if he'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" he asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

He said, "No," excitedly.

They drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "his lucky night."

He went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:"Mom! You still awake?"

6/26/2011 9:51:33 PM

I once took part in a 5 step cure to alcoholism.

I failed though...

I took 300 steps too many and ended up down at the bar.

6/29/2011 7:22:03 AM

Ed came home late one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'NEVER,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard......

"Ed, WAKE UP! You just shit in the bed!"

6/30/2011 11:56:57 PM

A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said, "Would you care for dessert?"

6/30/2011 11:57:18 PM

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

7/1/2011 12:01:20 AM

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello?"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

7/4/2011 8:50:49 AM

The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack.
It was a tough decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in that day with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: "Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."

7/5/2011 6:19:33 PM

An older man and his wife are in their bedroom, and the wife is standing in front of a mirror with a frown on her face.

Wife: "Honey, I am hideous. My skin is splotchy and wrinkled, my boobs are sagging, and my thighs are huge! You don't love me anymore. You never give me compliments."

Husband: "Dear, you're absolutely right. I haven't appreciated you like I should. In fact, there is a part of you that I want to compliment you on right now."

Wife, with a smile starting to form: "Yeah? What's that?"

Husband: "Your eyesight."

7/5/2011 7:22:31 PM