6

7/7/2011 12:41:02 AM

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

7/10/2011 9:26:31 AM

She was only a...

She was only a...

PLUMBER'S daughter but she sure gave my heart a wrench.

STABLEMAN'S daughter but she handled all the horse manure.

HACKER'S daughter but all her bits were in their proper arrays.

BUTCHER'S daughter but she could REALLY pack Salami!

GYNECOLOGIST'S daughter but she could sure play her vulva!

STOCKBROKER'S daughter but she could really ride the BULLS!

TAXI DRIVER'S daughter but she knew how to keep your meter running

ACCOUNTANT'S daughter but she sure knew how to keep her BOTTOM line profitable.

FARMER'S daughter but she knew her carrots from her carats!

FURRIER'S daughter but she knew how to produce minks!

PROGRAMMER'S daughter but she sure knew her 1's from her 0's!

SHEEP FARMER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!

PREACHER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!

FISHMONGER'S daughter she had crabs on her place, poor soul.

ELECTRICIAN'S daughter but she had all the right connections.

COAL MINER'S daughter but she had a mine of her own.

MARINE COLONEL'S daughter but she was rotten to the corps.

ARTIST'S daughter but she knew where to draw the line.

BUS DRIVER'S daughter but she knew where to get off.

ARCHITECT'S daughter but she knew all the angles.

FISHERMAN'S daughter but when she saw my rod she reeled.

MINISTER'S daughter but I wouldn't put anything pastor.

WELDER'S daughter but she had acetylene tits.

7/10/2011 9:28:58 AM

"Wake up call? Your weight is higher than your credit score!"
-Affion Crockett

7/10/2011 10:36:27 AM

My girlfriend's mood changes every 3.14 seconds.

She's pi-polar.

7/12/2011 1:37:21 PM

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

7/14/2011 11:07:22 PM

7/15/2011 9:01:00 AM

Amy Winehouse:

Making the recession worse for drug dealers since 2011.
(too soon?)

7/24/2011 3:25:46 PM

A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she replied.

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied...... 'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

7/25/2011 8:57:40 AM

"This debt crisis still isn't solved, but yesterday, the White House said it's working on a 'plan B.' Unfortunately, the B stands for 'bake sale.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Speaking of the debt crisis, I read that if the U.S. debt were stacked in $100 bills, it would be as long as two football fields and as high as the statue of liberty. You know, just in case $14 trillion didn't seem like a lot to you." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn't reached by Aug. 2, nothing will happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The government is less than a week away from not being able to pay its bills. We may have to move in with Canada for a while." –Conan O'Brien

"Economists are worried if we fall into default "the good name of the United States" would suffer in the eyes of the world. Oh, shut up. We lost that fight the day we sent the cast of "Jersey Shore" to Italy." –Jay Leno

8/1/2011 9:29:59 AM

My wife says to me the other night, How come we don't make love like they do in the movies?
So I bent her over the table, smacked her on the ass, grabbed her by the hair, fucked her hard and then came all over her face.

Turns out we don't watch the same movies.

8/2/2011 8:04:36 PM

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look! It's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or, "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days.


Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the friggin' ship?"

8/2/2011 8:09:32 PM

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

8/8/2011 12:15:02 PM

I have a friend who's a kleptomaniac. When it gets really bad, he takes something for it.

8/8/2011 1:27:30 PM

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but you must come back as a different creature.

She said, "I would like to come back as a cow."

I said, "You're obviously not listening."

8/9/2011 10:47:06 PM

"She would not sleep with me because she's an insomniac!"

8/10/2011 1:32:58 AM

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!'

8/13/2011 2:17:59 PM

My girlfriend told me that I sometimes treat her like a child. I didn't know how to react...

...so I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

8/14/2011 8:18:51 AM

"A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
The bartender said, "Yes, we do!"

"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

8/16/2011 1:12:27 AM

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

8/22/2011 6:23:56 PM

I bought a car with an automatic transmission today. "How do I make it go?" my wife asked. "You put it into drive," I said. "What about when I've finished with it?" she asked. "You put it into park," I said. An hour later, I found it by the swings.

8/25/2011 7:44:38 AM

I got in a fight in a playground yesterday. I told some guy to stop stealing the equipment, he took a swing, and it all escalated from there.

8/27/2011 10:00:17 PM

I came home from work to find my wife knelt on the bedroom floor, crying her eyes out.

"You dirty bastard", she yelled, "Why did you marry me if what you're really into is African women? I've found hundreds of your DVD's!"

I then saw she'd uncovered a big box of my porn.

"That's silly. I'm not into African women", I replied. "Those are just the "A's".

8/29/2011 2:20:38 PM

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.

Five years later ...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?

He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Holly-wood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

8/29/2011 11:09:25 PM

'What do you like more?', my wife said, 'Christmas or sex'
'Christmas of course!' I replied.

'Why is that?', she asked.

'Because that happens more often!', I said.

9/9/2011 7:34:36 AM

I went to a feminist picnic the other day.

It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches.

9/9/2011 7:35:03 AM

People think that Taco Bell isn't "authentic", but it will give any Mexican the runs for his money. (pun intended)

>.<

9/13/2011 10:50:07 PM

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K".

She asks, "What does that mean"?

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot".

She smiled and said, "Oh, that's sweet, but what about 'I, J, K' "?

He said, "I'm Just Kidding".

His eye is still swollen.

9/18/2011 11:42:30 PM

Paraprosdokian Sentences
A figure of speech that uses an unexpected ending to a series or phrase:
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

9/20/2011 3:29:05 PM

every time I see 'fleetwud' I read it as 'fleet-wooooood'

as in "clip in the strap, dippin through hoods - compton, long beach, fleet-wooooood"

9/21/2011 1:05:38 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."



^ I'll take it!

9/22/2011 7:47:40 PM

My dad sat me down, brought the laptop in and said, "Son, I think it's time to talk to you about pornography."

"What about it?" I replied.

"How the hell can I get past the filters without your mom knowing?"

9/23/2011 12:34:24 PM

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked, "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other... very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, "'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."

9/29/2011 5:57:19 PM

Questions?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"

9/29/2011 7:40:14 PM

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

10/1/2011 11:45:04 AM

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
purple

If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
yes

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
yes


What do chickens think we taste like?
"cluck cluck"


What do people in China call their good plates?
good plates


What do you call a male ladybug?
ladybug

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
the color of his arm hair or n/a

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
the dog food company

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

Used the sun

Which is the other side of the street?
the one opposite of the one you're standing

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
he only collected animals

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
humane and prepackaged to be sterile

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
it's not dry yet

Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"
1580s, from Fr. moustache, from It. mostaccio, from Medieval Gk. moustakion, dim. of Doric mystax (gen. mystakos) "upper lip, mustache," related to mastax "jaws, mouth," lit. "that with which one chews," from PIE base *mnto- "mouth" (see mouth). Borrowed earlier (1550s) as
mostacchi, from the It. word or its Sp. derivative mostacho. The plural form of this, mustachios, lingers in English. Dutch slang has a useful noun, de befborstel, to refer to the mustache specifically as a tool for stimulating the clitoris; probably from beffen "to stimulate the clitoris with the tongue."

10/1/2011 11:55:09 AM

A recent study says that weight loss dramatically boosts men's sexual health.

So start hitting the gym, ladies.

10/2/2011 11:12:41 PM

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."
He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one."

10/21/2011 2:01:50 PM

I love it when pregnant women use the term "We're expecting."

It makes it sound like there's more than one outcome.

"Yeah, we're expecting a baby. But it could be a velociraptor."

10/21/2011 2:02:13 PM

I'll never forget the day I met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party. She was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat friend.
They'd gone together, dressed as the number ten.

I knew there and then, she was the one.

10/24/2011 11:40:01 PM

Was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”

Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

10/27/2011 12:00:29 AM

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?

10/27/2011 11:38:11 PM

I hear there's a man going around, stealing all the coffee from the poor.
I don't know how he can sleep at night.

10/27/2011 11:38:53 PM

Good prates.

10/28/2011 2:41:13 AM

Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

10/31/2011 2:17:25 AM

Halloween handouts...
Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
Teeth removing Taffy
Metamucil in a straw
Ex-Lax Brownies
Caramel Covered Zucchini
Colored Crisco on a Stick
Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
Chocolate Covered Prunes
A Handful of Red Man
Anything that ticks!

10/31/2011 2:20:52 AM

An Old Mason was walking his grandson around town one day. They came up to a well in the middle of town. The mason says

"See this well I built it brick by brick stone by stone with me own two hands, it has provided the town with water for many years and people still use it to this day. But do they remember me as a great well builder? No."

They continue on for a ways and come to an intricate and beautiful brick library. The mason says

"See this library, I built it brick by brick stone by stone with me own two hands, it has been a place of learning for the young and old of our town alike and many people have had the ability to teach themselves because of it. But do they remember me as a great builder of libraries? No.

Finally they come to a big old stone bridge there were people living on either side of the bank of the rather large river it spanned and carts, wagons, and people travelling back and forth both near and far. The mason says

"See this bridge, well I built it brick by brick stone by stone with me own two hands. It has brought in untold amounts of wealth through increased trade and tourism. In my lifetime we've expanded the town across the river and even still today it is heavily trafficked. But do they remember me as a great bridge builder? No."

"But you fuck one goat."

10/31/2011 5:26:46 AM

Talking Cow A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story. "Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied. "Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."

11/2/2011 9:21:03 AM

In the car, I said to my wife, "You've been driving this haven't you?"

She said, "How do you know?"

I said, "Because the clutch is totally fucked!"

She said, "Dont blame me, I've never used it."

11/10/2011 11:47:02 PM

/6

11/10/2011 11:47:23 PM