i think there would be a difference in her vocalizing that she thinks about it versus wanting to do it.

the only difference is that you know for sure who it is that she's thinking about

1/18/2011 10:29:25 AM

The key, it seems, to being in any relationship is to both be on the same page. Whatever page that might be.

What works for sparky obviously doesnt work for pikey, but to each their own.

1/18/2011 10:31:04 AM

people are different?!?

I wouldn't want to be in an open marriage either. But I think it's a little too sunshine-and-roses to just say NEITHER OF US WILL EVER CONSIDER DOING ANYTHING OUTSIDE THE MARRIAGE, EVER.

Yes, I will go into marriage fully committed and not expecting to ever consider straying. Yes, I will expect the same of my husband. But what if that intention doesn't work out? Things don't always go according to plan. If you want to get divorced in that situation, that's your prerogative. I would rather have my husband know that I'd like him to bring that temptation up to me so we can talk about it and then decide how to proceed from there. It could be a trade, it could be just us figuring out why he was tempted in the first place and dealing with that, it could be that divorce is what we need. But if you just tell your wife it's over if she is ever tempted because then she's not fully committed to you, and then she IS tempted, guess what she won't be telling you.

[Edited on January 18, 2011 at 10:34 AM. Reason : ^ yeah. I think a ton of people don't discuss those things before marriage, which I don't quite get]

1/18/2011 10:33:46 AM

I understand having temptation.

I do not understand the need to vocalize it and throw it in your partner's face if you don't plan on acting on it.

To me, if you want to talk about it and discuss reasons why, then you have given it serious enough consideration on your own that you would actually do it.

Just keep it to yourself unless you are ready to accept your marriage falling apart if it comes to that.

1/18/2011 10:48:29 AM

^ in your situation apparently it will lead to that, but not in everyones cases

1/18/2011 10:51:31 AM

I thought we (starting with sparky) were talking about when you were actually wanting to act on it.

1/18/2011 10:51:51 AM

^^^ Sounds to me like you're really insecure.

[Edited on January 18, 2011 at 10:52 AM. Reason : .]

1/18/2011 10:51:58 AM

I don't think insecurity has anything to do with it.

If you are in a committed relationship, this discussion would never need to be had.

And I'm not knocking Sparky. I understand that that is his opinion. These are just my opinions.

1/18/2011 10:54:37 AM

Quote :

"If you are in an open marriage, then you clearly are not committed to one another. The entire point of being married to one person. Forever. If my wife ever brings up that she wants to sleep with someone else, then the marriage is over in my eyes. I don't care if she hasn't done it yet or how honest she is being with her feelings."

Some of you folks are ridiculously insecure and jealous

I get the impression that to some of you, your SO having sex with somebody else would ruin or end your fucking life. Cool down holmes, maybe it's okay if we don't literally own each other and monopolize each others' sex lives. If that's the point of a relationship to you then maybe you should rethink it

1/18/2011 10:56:29 AM

^^Well, I'm not going to argue with your opinion, but to me it sounded like you were saying, "omg, if my wife tells me she saw some dude and was all, 'I'd hit it' then we need to get a divorce".

Just sounds insecure to me, which is my opinion. I am a bit more open with people, which may make me an asshole.

[Edited on January 18, 2011 at 10:58 AM. Reason : effing carats]

1/18/2011 10:56:53 AM

1/18/2011 10:57:14 AM

Quote :

"If you are in a committed relationship, this discussion would never need to be had. And I'm not knocking Sparky. I understand that that is his opinion. These are just my opinions."

o.o

1/18/2011 10:58:36 AM

Remember kids it's not where you put it, it's why you put it

1/18/2011 10:58:58 AM

Quote :

"Well, I'm not going to argue with your opinion, but to me it sounded like you were saying, "omg, if my wife tells me she saw some dude and was all, 'I'd hit it' then we need to get a divorce". "

Not so much that she thinks another guy is attractive. But the conversation that Sparky brought up... Where my wife comes to my and says she wants to sleep with someone else. "I have been thinking about having an affair with my coworker. Would that be something you are okay with?"

1/18/2011 11:01:42 AM

a good many of you are morally inferior to me

1/18/2011 11:01:50 AM

i can see how thats a different conversation all together.

what happens if she says she wants to sleep with another woman? same deal?

1/18/2011 11:02:23 AM

^^^ If her co-worker was a girl, I'd ask if she (the co-worker) was cute and if she was down for a threesome.

[Edited on January 18, 2011 at 11:03 AM. Reason : ^ My point exactly. LOL]

1/18/2011 11:03:06 AM

ITT, Pikey admits he won't ever consider a threesome.

Also, it's not cheating if you tell them about it before it happens.

1/18/2011 11:06:10 AM

yes it is

you can't tell a teacher "i'm gonna use this nifty guide that i'm gonna have on my desk during the test"

and they're gonna be like "well ok, thats not cheating cause you told me"

[Edited on January 18, 2011 at 11:07 AM. Reason : cheating is cheating, whether its sex or whatever]

1/18/2011 11:07:29 AM

Quote :

"what happens if she says she wants to sleep with another woman? same deal?"

If it is something she wants to pursue without your involvement, than the underlying point is still the same... that she is not committed to you.

Now if she asked that we BOTH sleep with her coworker TOGETHER, than at least we are approaching it as a committed couple.

1/18/2011 11:08:13 AM

so what if she approaches you and asks that the both of you sleep with her male co-worker?

1/18/2011 11:08:46 AM

It's not cheating if the teacher says it's ok.

1/18/2011 11:09:41 AM

Quote :

"Now if she asked that we BOTH sleep with her coworker TOGETHER, than at least we are approaching it as a committed couple."

1/18/2011 11:10:27 AM

Quote :

"It's not cheating if the teacher says it's ok."

in that example by lewoods there was no confirmation that it was ok to do.

1/18/2011 11:12:54 AM

Different people also have different definitions of cheating. Some are OK with their SO sleeping with someone else. Most probably aren't. Some thing getting a lap dance is cheating. Some think having good opposite sex friends is cheating. Some think masturbating or watching porn is cheating. Different strokes. None of those definitions are absolutely right or wrong. You just have to be on the same page as the person you settle down with.

1/18/2011 11:13:26 AM

This is true.


I'm too selfish and insecure to have an open relationship or threesome or anything.

I'm not gonna lie, it would destroy me to find out someone was cheating on me. I have trust issues anyways.


Very true, skwinkle. I don't judge others for doing things I'm not capable of doing or don't want to do. It's just not for me and I'll have to find someone to build a relationship with that feels the same way.

[Edited on January 18, 2011 at 11:17 AM. Reason : .]

1/18/2011 11:15:38 AM

According to everyone ITT, you are less of a person because you feel this way.

1/18/2011 11:18:04 AM

Always the cheatee never the cheater. I dunno I think I just have too much respect for any SO do that. Though, I have ended a relationship abruptly after realizing I had feelings for someone else...not sure if that enters a gray area or not.

1/18/2011 11:20:01 AM

well, one day I'll find someone that feels the same way and we can be patheticaly insecure together.

1/18/2011 11:20:18 AM

Quote :

"Though, I have ended a relationship abruptly after realizing I had feelings for someone else...not sure if that enters a gray area or not."

i feel like that's how it should be done - you realize you have strong feelings, so you end the relationship you're in before it goes any further. nothing wrong with that imho

1/18/2011 11:23:25 AM

I personally think it's best to get as much of the kinky, exploratory stuff out of the way BEFORE getting into a committed relationship or marriage. Then, it really isn't such a big deal to feel the need to pursue extramarital temptations and affairs. Well, at least not in my opinion.

Hell, face it...in all reality, do you really think there's a whole lot of difference from pussy to pussy? In my experiences, you sample about 4 or 5, you've sampled 'em all. Why you think you need to sample more? Again, get it out of the way BEFORE you commit to one woman or man. If you're not done playing, then you're not ready to be done looking and settle with one.

Later on in a committed relationship, it definitely becomes less about the purely physical and more about the emotional bond. As we get older, the hormonal and physical aspects of sexual fulfillment wane somewhat. I think what most of us feel are our insecurities about losing our virility, our sexual prowess.

Sure, even in marriage, especially for men, we're gonna see somebody of the opposite sex that we think is HOT. Sure, we might think, "I'd tear that up," but are we really gonna move on it? If we're settled, aware of the big picture, and are happy with our big picture, no...and thinking like that in passing, without serious thought, well, that's not what I would call cheating.

1/18/2011 11:24:47 AM

Quote :

"i feel like that's how it should be done - you realize you have strong feelings, so you end the relationship you're in before it goes any further. nothing wrong with that imho"

You've never liked two people at the same time??

There are some tunnel-visioned mofos ITT.

1/18/2011 11:25:21 AM

provided you don't jump right into the other relationship or use the new relationship as a rebound

its usually after talking to someone else that you realize something you're missing that you need and thats your red flag sign for the current relationship.

1/18/2011 11:25:41 AM

Quote :

"well, one day I'll find someone that feels the same way and we can be patheticaly insecure together. "

I'm that insecure. Probably come from years of systematically being cheated on.

1/18/2011 11:27:09 AM

Quote :

"According to everyone ITT, you are less of a person because you feel this way."

Nah, I think you just didn't convey your true opinion well at first. People agreed with you after two or three clarifications.

1/18/2011 11:29:14 AM

2^oh hi there! lol

[Edited on January 18, 2011 at 11:36 AM. Reason : .]

1/18/2011 11:30:53 AM

Do we have a love connection on page 6?

1/18/2011 11:33:43 AM

sounds like it

1/18/2011 11:34:57 AM

Exiled going for the 1-up?

1/18/2011 11:36:37 AM

Quote :

"You've never liked two people at the same time?? "

i thought i did until i learned a SO had had some in her past and it almost made me sick.

1/18/2011 11:38:47 AM

Haha...nah she's in the other castle and I'm too lazy

In all seriousness though I'm with someone ATM...but I'm beginning to have suspicions about her

1/18/2011 11:40:56 AM

^ i seriously hope not because of this thread.

1/18/2011 11:41:44 AM

based on your past exiled, aren't you going to think all girls cheat on you??

1/18/2011 11:43:35 AM

3^you are already cheating on me

[Edited on January 18, 2011 at 11:45 AM. Reason : :p]

1/18/2011 11:43:47 AM

I travel a lot for business and lets just that if I'm a few thousand miles away from my wife, all bets are off

1/18/2011 11:45:28 AM

No not 'cause of the thread

Yes, perhaps, but I've also learned to pick up on the warning signs

And I know...I'm no good for you anyway

1/18/2011 11:45:49 AM

Quote :

"Later on in a committed relationship, it definitely becomes less about the purely physical and more about the emotional bond. As we get older, the hormonal and physical aspects of sexual fulfillment wane somewhat. I think what most of us feel are our insecurities about losing our virility, our sexual prowess. Sure, even in marriage, especially for men, we're gonna see somebody of the opposite sex that we think is HOT. Sure, we might think, "I'd tear that up," but are we really gonna move on it? If we're settled, aware of the big picture, and are happy with our big picture, no...and thinking like that in passing, without serious thought, well, that's not what I would call cheating."

Well said. (Though I'm not married, I am over 30 and in a 3+ year relationship that will lead there in the future, so I think it's a similar deal...) Everyone has cravings. Some more than others. From a purely physical perspective, men probably more than women. But having these cravings and even making them part of a fantasy are, IMO, perfectly normal and common. I've heard many times (more from women than men) things like "I'm so happy and fulfilled in my marriage that I have no desire to ever touch another person" and I automatically think "bullshit". But feeling that desire and actually, rationally wanting to act on it, rather than keep it in the realm of fantasy, are poles apart, and at the point of seriously wanting to act on it perhaps one should be reconsidering their relationship and their fulfillment level within.

This is from the perspective of someone who has never cheated, and never would, for a variety of reasons but paramount among them being the knowledge of how much it would hurt the one I love and the fact that the knowledge of having caused that pain would just kill me. I am not aware of ever having been cheated on, either. So YMMV.

1/18/2011 11:47:34 AM

Quote :

"i thought i did until i learned a SO had had some in her past and it almost made me sick."

Had some what??

I constantly like several women at the same time. If I'm single, then I will hang out with both to see which I like better. If I'm dating someone that I'm really into, I won't do anything. If I'm dating someone who I have doubts about, then I'll break up and pursue the other interests.

There are lots of really cool, beautiful women out there. Just because I'm in a relationship with someone else doesn't mean I can't like/be interested in other women. I just can't do anything about it...

1/18/2011 11:57:41 AM

ohh, i thought you meant two at the same time like ...



[Edited on January 18, 2011 at 12:00 PM. Reason : selective reading on this page]

1/18/2011 11:59:28 AM

Think Jeepin's saying his girl has gotten double teamed in the past, probably by black guys

1/18/2011 11:59:45 AM