7



After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!

11/10/2011 11:47:44 PM

A True Story.... if she had killed herself -- God forbid -- she'd be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.(wait for it......)

_{(REMEMBER, this is TRUE.......)}

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer.

11/12/2011 3:12:47 PM

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked... In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door. "Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

11/14/2011 10:25:10 AM

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

[Edited on November 20, 2011 at 2:03 AM. Reason : ÿ]

11/20/2011 2:02:45 AM

If life is a waste of time,
And time is a waste of life,
Then let's all get wasted together
And have the time of our lives.

11/21/2011 6:16:00 PM

Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client. Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses. Free accommodation. 10 weeks paid leave per year. Company car. Generous pension scheme. You know where to apply.

11/22/2011 12:48:33 AM

A dress of Amy Winehouse sold for $43,200 today. That sounds excessive, but you have to remember a lot of needlework went into it.

11/30/2011 11:13:22 PM

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

12/3/2011 6:56:03 PM

My girlfriend wrote on a balloon, "Will you propose to me?"

I immediately popped the question.

12/8/2011 9:06:48 AM

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my buddy, "That's us in ten years."

He said, "That's a mirror, dipshit!"

12/10/2011 9:09:56 AM

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

12/12/2011 1:52:57 AM

I found this entertaining. I may need to use it as a checklist.
http://100redflags.com

12/13/2011 9:22:28 PM

The Economy of Fun


1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street- Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker . The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker ? A tie

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar - Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Obama's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures. Jay Leno

9. President Obama's response was to support some small business owners in America. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21. - Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.

New Stock Market Terms

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

12/13/2011 9:46:24 PM

The Polite Way to Call Someone a Bastard
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

12/15/2011 2:50:07 PM

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall most of the afternoon, when suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had “disappeared.” Irate, she called her husband’s cell and demanded “Where the hell are you ?” “Darling, remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and remember that I didn’t have the money at the time and said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day.” Somewhat embarrassed and with a blushing smile she replied “Yes. I remember that, my love.” “Well, I’m in the bar next to that store.”

12/17/2011 2:59:38 PM

Kim Jong il is dead but the citizens of
North Korea have been told he's
entered a sleeping competition.

12/19/2011 1:02:37 PM

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies" "Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?" "Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket. The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?" "Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey. "That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?" With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy. "That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?" "Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."

12/25/2011 1:08:07 AM

Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to shag the cat."

12/26/2011 12:39:09 AM

New Year's resolution- Date more models.

Revised- Date more.

Revised again- Get a date.

Revised one last time- Stop crying whilst masturbating.

12/30/2011 11:24:06 PM

Reminds me of:

12/30/2011 11:31:44 PM

man was shooting at me the other day, so I took cover under a large book. It was a terrible hiding place, but I'm not one to judge a book by its cover.

1/14/2012 9:33:10 AM

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.

1/14/2012 9:35:02 AM

1/14/2012 9:35:13 AM

My wife was complaining that we couldn't afford a holiday this year so, while she was at the shops, I redecorated the house. I carpeted one wall, put wallpaper on the floor and ceiling and upturned all the furniture.
"What's this supposed to be?" she shrieked when she walked in.

"The luxurious holiday experience of a lifetime!" I said. "I've re-created an expensive Mediterranean cruise at a fraction of the cost!"

1/22/2012 2:10:27 AM

How school works:

In class: 2+2=4.

Homework: 2+4+2=8.

Exam: John had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.

1/22/2012 11:46:53 PM

My wife just called me. She said, "The two kids want you to take them Bowling on Saturday, then afterwards they want you to take them to the cinema."

"It's either one or the other" I said, "Otherwise it's too expensive." "Okay" she replied, "Which one do you prefer?"

I said, "David."

1/25/2012 11:08:42 PM

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

1/27/2012 11:25:33 PM

What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

1/28/2012 8:53:58 AM

An Italian cruise ship is much like a diet.

I really wish my wife would go on one.

1/30/2012 2:02:38 PM

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward."
"Not so fast, McGrath!"

1/31/2012 5:27:57 AM

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my
illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.


On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth
was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and
I hoped I would feel like coming in the next day. By then, I thought, I could
think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one
morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb,
call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!! The garbage disposal is dead. Come
and reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"


"I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement
about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and
stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without any respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied
between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I
took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable,
she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while
rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a
kitten hanging from my masculine region.


Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in
this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.


When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully
briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their
work while suppressing hysterical laughter.


At the office, my colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.


"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

2/1/2012 12:07:22 AM

fleetwud bigmac

is more like it.

2/1/2012 12:11:28 AM

I saw my ex girlfriend walking towards me in the high street today. Not wanting to stop and chat to her, I quickly pretended that I was talking on the phone. She walked straight up to me and said, "You're just pretending to be on the phone, aren't you?" "Hold on a moment," I said to my pretend caller. "No, I'm not. What makes you think that I'm pretending?" She said, "You've got your thumb in your ear and your little finger on your lip."

2/2/2012 10:16:43 PM

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road. The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.

"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.

"One of the girls must have died.”

2/5/2012 11:09:11 PM

Looks like Madonna and I have something in common...
Neither of us have ever sung at the Superbowl.

2/7/2012 7:42:22 PM

Q: What concert costs 45 cents?

A: 50 Cent featuring Nickelback. Barf.

2/8/2012 12:17:08 AM

"I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!"

"Wow, your dad's a millionaire?"

"No, but he always wanted to be."

2/9/2012 9:49:03 AM

I'm so proud of my African pen pal.

He tells me he hasn't had a drink in weeks. Hang in there, buddy.

2/10/2012 9:33:21 AM

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we... made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'

2/12/2012 8:58:15 AM

Wow, these are late:




Cruise Jokes
What kind of desserts do they serve on Italian cruise ships? - Turnovers.

How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks.

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks.

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain.

When the Italian cruise ship the Costa Concordia started to sink there was a frantic push to get on the lifeboats. Of course this made it easy to spot the British passengers who had formed an orderly queue.

Italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two Scotsmen at the bar.
They've told the divers to fuck off, they're all inclusive.

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course!"

I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises. Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.

I was watching the news about the stricken cruise ship when the Sky News presenter said, "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court." I just happened to glance over at the wife on the sofa and that's how it all started!

The Italian army has been called in to help with the people from the grounded cruise ship.
But they have now swapped sides and have declared war on the survivors.

A guy walks into a model shop.
"Do you have an aircraft carrier?" he asks.
"I sold out before Christmas," the shopkeeper replies.
"Have you got a battle ship?"
"No," said the shopkeeper.
"What have you got in ships?"
"I will go and look in the store room, just wait a minute."
The shopkeeper came back and said, "I have got a Cruise Liner."
"Can you put it to one side please.

Costa Concordia - the only place where you are guaranteed to get your drink on the rocks.

What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

Now I know it's the 100th anniversary of Titanic and all that but aren't the Italians going a bit far with their tribute?

The captain of the Costa Concordia says he is not guilty of manslaughter, and has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.

Attention passengers this is your captain, We of Carnival Cruise Lines Costa Concordia welcome you to Italy. If you look out the port side now you'll see the beautiful Tuscan sky and to our starboard you'll see the old Italian navy.

The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

I've just bought a Costa Concordia lotto ticket. Fingers crossed it's not another roll over next week...

Italian cruise ship captain walks into a bar and says, "Whiskey please, barman."
"On the rocks, sir?" says the barman.
"Oh Fok off!"

It's not all bad news for the captain of the Costa Concordia. He may never captain a ship again, but the Navy have expressed an interest in giving him command of a submarine.

2/12/2012 11:33:01 PM

Valentine's Day Cards

These rejected Valentine's Day cards somehow never made it to store shelves, I wonder why?

I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-fat ass.

Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!

Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!

You're a honey, and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

2/14/2012 6:50:33 PM

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.

2/15/2012 11:34:00 PM

A dog walks into a bar. The barman says, "Excuse me, but whose dog is this? The sign outside clearly says NO DOGS ALLOWED."

The dog says, "Well, I'm not just any dog you know."

The barman says, "So what makes you so special?"

2/19/2012 1:43:45 AM

Top Ten Other Newt Gingrich "Big Ideas"
10. A Milk Dud the size of a basketball

9. More awards shows

8. New iPhone app called "Angry Jowls"

7. Ban people from calling something "awesome" unless it actually inspires awe

6. Fill Grand Canyon with custard; rename it Grand Cannoli

5. Diapers on horses

4. You've heard of the five-blade razor? How 'bout the six-blade razor?

3. Free donuts?

2. End the decade-long conflict between Elton John and Madonna

1. Open marriages for people named Newt

2/20/2012 9:15:12 AM

The wife stormed up to me earlier "Do you know what day it is today?"

"Apple pie" I replied.

"Ah, funny" she snarled, "when's my birthday?"

I said "Strawberry gateaux."

"Fuck you Dave" she screamed before slamming the door.

Looks like I'm in the shit now, I always get in trouble when my memory desserts me.

2/21/2012 9:54:35 PM

Teacher asks student: What is the half of 8?
Student: horizontally or vertically?
Teacher: What do mean?
Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3.

2/22/2012 10:43:52 PM

My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday.

She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

2/22/2012 10:59:21 PM

It all began with an iPhone.
March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...

I explained that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. (This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.)

I should be out of the hospital next week.

2/24/2012 1:58:11 AM

2/24/2012 2:14:06 AM

I can't decide if I'm dying to watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, or if I was born to.

2/25/2012 2:32:49 PM