Quote :

"The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's principal white flag manufacturing facility, effectively paralyzing their military. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. The Italians have increased their alert level from "Shouting Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides". The Germans also increased their alert state, from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans have gone from "Isolationist" to "Find Somewhere Else in the Middle East Ripe for RegimeChange". Their remaining, higher alert states are "Take on the World" and "Ask the British and Australians for Help". Finally, here in GB, we've gone from "Pretend Nothing's Happening" to "Make Another Cup of Tea". Our higher levels are "Remain Resolutely Cheerful" and "Win". In parliament today, the British attitude level was raised from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, it may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been at "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was issued was during the Great Fire, in 1666. "

11/12/2005 12:50:49 AM

eh, ntlb

11/12/2005 12:51:57 AM

i was hoping for *old*

11/12/2005 12:53:25 AM

Hey

France is that country that surrendered that one time!

Now I get it!

11/12/2005 1:04:03 AM

1 time?

11/12/2005 1:51:05 AM

yes

unless you want to count Vietnam, in which case the U.S. surrendered as well.

11/12/2005 8:03:45 AM

Well, if you are going to count Vietnam, then you must could all the other times France was forcibly thrown out of a colony by the locals with pitchforks.

That said, I laughed.

11/12/2005 10:21:45 AM

France has been defeated far more than one time.

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the following losses:

Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming then French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.

French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:

Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).

Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following:

The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.




[Edited on November 12, 2005 at 10:31 AM. Reason : s]

11/12/2005 10:23:25 AM

Quote :

"Hey France is that country that surrendered that one time! Now I get it!"

Yeah, that one time! Then after the French surrendered, they voluntarily collaborated to persecute French Jews to such an extent that a Jew was safer in Fascist Italy than in Vichy France. Three cheers for French ethics!

11/12/2005 10:45:52 AM

wait wait...

1066, Norman king William the Conqueror defeats Harold (i think) and takes over england thus making pretty much every king for the next 200-300 years french.

also, if it wasnt for a french dude we would all be muslim.

so i guess they had it going for them 1000 years ago.

11/12/2005 1:21:03 PM

That was the king of Normandy, not France!

11/12/2005 3:47:38 PM

Quote :

"France has been defeated far more than one time."

When did I say defeated? We were talking about surrender.


And you (or the source you copied and pasted, I should say) consider Napoleon a military defeat?

and the Roman capaign against Gaul?

WWI?

The list is so intellectually dishonest you should be embarassed just for posting it.

11/12/2005 4:20:16 PM

I guess you never heard of Waterloo.

11/12/2005 4:43:39 PM

just accept it, the damn country even existing is a fluke.... they were a power once, now they do nothing but complain... and make stupid labor laws which lead to civil unrest

11/12/2005 4:52:36 PM

Quote :

"I guess you never heard of Waterloo."

I know.

What kind of a punk ass country can't defeat the entirety of the European continent allied against them?

And the Romans? What a freakin' losers! They totally got served in the end!

11/12/2005 5:28:21 PM

aha boonedocks

as usual it takes an american to defend the french

11/12/2005 5:40:41 PM

Well it's not like they're going to do it

11/12/2005 5:47:03 PM

Now now, can't we all just agree to bash France, regardless of who's version of history we use?

11/12/2005 5:50:30 PM

I like the first post in this thread. The rest of this discussion is silly, b/c all the righties hate france for not liking their war, and the left stands up for france b/c the right hates them.

"the British response level has now risen to "whats all this now?" "

11/12/2005 6:18:16 PM

I believe the accurate quote was "What's all this then?"

11/12/2005 7:38:27 PM

^yeah, youre right

11/12/2005 9:29:58 PM

I laughed.

11/12/2005 10:03:27 PM

Quote :

"What kind of a punk ass country can't defeat the entirety of the European continent allied against them?"

hahaha, usually the French outnumbered their opponents. Waterloo, Trufalgar, etc.

11/14/2005 1:19:29 AM

they werent exactly , professional french troops in those battles.

of course, neither were the troops from russia that defeated them.

11/14/2005 1:46:58 AM

Quote :

"hahaha, usually the French outnumbered their opponents. Waterloo, Trufalgar, etc."

Err, no.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Waterloo

11/14/2005 6:29:16 AM

wow, the state of emergency continues...

11/16/2005 1:37:42 AM