Ok..you're the president.

What would be the first paragraph of your 2006 State of the Union Speech?

1/30/2006 10:31:07 AM

My fellow Americans.
We're fucked.

1/30/2006 10:33:49 AM

But at least we will always be better than the Australians

1/30/2006 10:38:03 AM

My fellow americans, our economy is roaring. ty, bye.

1/30/2006 11:14:37 AM

My fellow Americans.
California is about to be obliterated by an asteroid. Thank you, and good luck.

And God Bless America.

1/30/2006 11:14:43 AM

My Fellow Americans...

I shall resign my presidency effectively noon tommorow.

1/30/2006 11:35:10 AM

/walks to podium

/shuffles papers

/sips water

/sips water

/sips water

/refills water

/clears throat

/shuffles papers

/looks around the room

"erm, uh, Ahem..."

/sips water

"MY NAMES NOT FRANK, ITS JACK BAUER"

/episode time flashes on tv, commercial break begins

1/30/2006 12:34:35 PM

/thread

1/30/2006 12:43:20 PM

My fellow americans,

You've read in the news that this speech will center on energy. My first action tomorrow will be to ask congress to pass laws banning government support of the petroleum industry and instead shift that money to renewable fuels.

I'll then begin to call for the withdrawal of all foreign troops from iraq, to be replaced by peacekeeping forces from arab nations and neutral nations.

I will hereby cease and desist all illegal wiretapping of my own citizens without going to the fisa court, even if it means I need to retroactively go to fisa court. I feel this is important in order to protect your civil liberties and the dignity of the office of president of the united states.

Oh, and I've fucked WAY more interns than clinton ever did. You haven't lived 'till you've done a line of coke off of a chick's boob in the oval office.

1/30/2006 12:47:50 PM

I agree with everything you said DirtyGreek except the shifting part. Government should not be researching renewable fuels period. That could be done by private enterprise. But everything else was spot on.

1/30/2006 1:00:23 PM

in English or in German?

1/30/2006 1:02:40 PM

daddy said there'd be days like this there'd be days like this there'd be days like this whoah daddy said

1/30/2006 1:04:43 PM

Quote :

"to be replaced by peacekeeping forces from arab nations"

Do you see a lot of nations, Arab or otherwise, clamoring to get in on some Iraq action?

1/30/2006 1:06:05 PM

yes

just not in a "peacekeeping" realm

more of a "peacebreaking" one

1/30/2006 1:09:28 PM

Whatever I say, I'm going to say it in a Cajun accent.

"How ya'll are?"

1/30/2006 1:18:04 PM

Most of it would be a lot of inane banter. There would probably be a couple of references to my "special guest" sitting next to my wife in the audience, who would probably be a black kid left homeless and alone by Katrina who has subsequently benefited from my social and relief programs to the extent that he is now the first black valedictorian at some Ivy League school.

1/30/2006 3:37:23 PM

Ohhhh, so we're supposed to be telling this as if we were the presiden say 30 years from now

mine would start off

"i told you robots was a bad idea"

1/30/2006 4:15:59 PM

^ nice.

1/30/2006 6:12:32 PM

tonight's speech:

economy's great

we got this energy/fuel thing in the bag

terrar's on the run thanks to wiretaps and the war

lots of clapping that draws it out longer



the one i'd give:

GIT ER DUN

USA #1

lots of clapping that draws it out longer

[Edited on January 30, 2006 at 6:19 PM. Reason : +]

1/30/2006 6:18:45 PM

MOON COLONIES NOW!!!

1/30/2006 7:27:09 PM

M.A.R.S. BITCHES

1/30/2006 10:21:30 PM

freedom is on the march, but it's just not going the direction we thought it would

1/30/2006 10:52:01 PM

i have come up with a way to pay off the debt:


STEP RIGHT UP AND GETCHA WAR BONDS FOLKS!

1/30/2006 10:54:50 PM

am i the only one who'd be scared to buy war bonds?

1/30/2006 10:58:21 PM

Quote :

"am i the only one who'd be scared to buy war bonds?"

Are you saying you wouldn't support America?! GTFO!!!

1/31/2006 12:16:55 AM

we're 8 trillion dollars in debt
it will be 9 trillion+ by the time we get a new president

1/31/2006 1:06:07 AM

Who really gives a fuck how much debt we're in? It's all made up anyway.

1/31/2006 1:19:52 AM

My fellow Americans,

My economic pollicy is to borrow like there is no tomorrow, then dare other countries to try and get it back. We already have 200 low altitude death-laser satellites in orbit.

1/31/2006 1:24:06 AM

Quote :

"It's all made up anyway"

1/31/2006 1:28:35 AM

"So a funny thing happened while I was putting on my robe and wizard hat this morning..."

1/31/2006 1:33:03 AM

"Dick, tell em i'm too sleepy, and to come back tomorra"

1/31/2006 1:34:03 AM

"Yo Dick! Tell'em what we do at the ranch..."

1/31/2006 1:38:36 AM

were fucked, but im rich, bitch!

1/31/2006 1:42:49 AM

blah blah blah America is great blah blah blah We should work together blah blah blah if you don't support my
policies you support the terrorists blah blah blah....

1/31/2006 2:14:37 AM

My fellow Amurrikins. *applause* Nuclear energy will save us all!!!1 *applause* We captured and killed some terrorists at some point!!!1 *applause* Iraq is going swimmingly!!!1 *applause* Tax cuts!!!1 *applause* The economy rules!!!1 *applause* September the eleventh, September eleventh, Sept. 11th, 9/11, Nine-eleven. *applause*

[Edited on January 31, 2006 at 2:20 AM. Reason : And may god continue to bless America. *applause*]

1/31/2006 2:16:18 AM

"demcrats will let terrorists kill you"

1/31/2006 2:21:50 AM

1/31/2006 2:30:11 AM

Warning: it's kind of long.

Fellow Americans, I can't promise that I'll do much during my term, except that I will DEFINITELY ask Congress to, instead of pass even more redonkulous laws, examine the laws already on the books and then start repealing all the old and obsolete laws. Oh oh, and we should also get rid of those rider bills, 'cause I can smell the bullshit all the way from here. Oh, and when a bill is being passed around in Congress, if the bill is so long the Congressmen themselves don't want to read it, then it's too damn long and it needs to be revised. And legal jargon should be kept to a minimum; how can a law be effective if nobody knows what it's trying to say? Basically, the goal of my entire term in office is to make the United States Code much simpler to read for the average citizen. I believe that this will cut down on the amount of red tape and bureaucracy of our system, as well as increase the efficiency of the administration of justice, since laws will be much simpler and more clear-cut.

Speaking of law, I also encourage Congress to pass a bill that would change our legal system to a "loser pays" basis. I know I just said that Congress should not make anymore laws until all the old ones have been fully examined and trimmed, but one other problem with our great society is frivolous lawsuits and crowded court systems. The ease with which people can sue other people in this nation is astounding, and quite frankly deplorable. No longer do we examine ourselves after an unfortunate situation and decide how much of the fault is our own as opposed to the other guy, or whether or not it was an earnst mistake. No, most people just go "I'll see your ass in court!" and later walk away pocketing millions of dollars. I admit that that is a rather broad generalization, but the basic idea still stands; instead of assuming more personal responsibility, people just go to court as an easy solution to all of their problems, and in the process they consume the courts' precious time and resources. Well no more; with this "loser pays" bill, you had better be damn sure that your case is air tight, or else YOU have to pay all the court costs.

And finally, I promise to do all that I can to try and pay off the national debt as much as possible. I know you're all going to boo me, but that may potentially mean increasing taxes, BUT ONLY FOR A SHORT WHILE. In the long term, we should think about cutting back government spending as much as possible. I beg Congress to review the annual budget and start cutting back or slashing programs. Actually, I think one thing that I can do is commission a special review board that will decide how "sucessful" a program has been, ie, whether or not that program has met its objectives with the time and resources allotted. This has two advantages; one, it eliminates the rewarding of failure. A program only gets funding for the next year if it meets its objectives, and in fact may get more funding if it does well enough, which will act as an economic incentive; those that do poorly simply get scrapped. Two, it will reduce the size and complexity of the government in that useless programs will be eliminated. If a program has already met its objectives and it can be made to do nothing else, or if it simply stinks at what it does, it will be eliminated, plain and simple.

Other than that, I guess I'll just pull the troops out of Iraq, and all that good stuff.

[Edited on January 31, 2006 at 6:03 AM. Reason : blah]

1/31/2006 6:01:14 AM

^^ hell yes, bob the angry flower

1/31/2006 10:35:52 AM