Quote :

"SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25 BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases whe! re employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition! , there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none. DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegation! s, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. -- Management "

3/8/2006 1:59:28 PM

4/10

3/8/2006 2:00:27 PM

Well, it is not all that funny, but when your boss - who never emails you unless it is business - emails you with the subject TERMS OF EMPLOYMENT, it is frightening!

3/8/2006 2:04:08 PM

A - ALWAYS

B - BE

C - CLOSING

3/8/2006 2:05:39 PM

omg

thread of the century - either you or your boss is one funny dude.

[Edited on March 8, 2006 at 5:50 PM. Reason : ]

3/8/2006 5:45:10 PM

Third prize is you're fired.

3/8/2006 6:00:51 PM

imagine getting an email like that from your boss on the first day.

3/8/2006 6:23:11 PM

i wish i had every sat and sun as personal days

3/8/2006 6:29:32 PM

no shit!

3/8/2006 6:49:54 PM

Quote :

"Sondra gets none"

3/8/2006 6:57:35 PM

reeeeeeeeeeeeally [old]

3/12/2006 2:08:44 PM

how do we know you were really sent this email and u did not make it up?

4/12/2006 2:31:27 AM

yeah, one of the oldest email forwards out there would really scare me shitless.

4/12/2006 7:03:40 AM

an email i got last year as a joke - i travel every week

Quote :

"------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Cost & Controls Info Pass On ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ********** URGENT CHANGES TO THE TRAVEL POLICY *********** Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual. Effective Friday, July 1st, the following revised procedures apply: LODGING All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather. TRANSPORTATION Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Raleigh but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Glasgow, then travel to Glasgow will be substituted for travel to Raleigh. MEALS Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Tescos, Asda , Safeways Costco, Macro etc., often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries and other food sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Corn Beef can be consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or costly preparation. MISCELLANEOUS All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an effort to save company money. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits."

[Edited on April 12, 2006 at 7:06 AM. Reason : .]

4/12/2006 7:05:56 AM