From a possibly old, but funny and new to me, email forward

..which is all soapbox is good for these days.

Quote :

"Why Can't I Own a Canadian? October 2002 Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative: Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them: When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted fan, Jim "

10/2/2006 9:58:46 AM

I thought that was pretty funny when it came out. The only thing is that Jesus absolved the old testament rules and replaced them in the new testament. Its hard to decide which of these things was meant to be left and which was replaced with the Golden Rule (for Christians, anyhow, Jews have no out for it)

It raises some good points though about the selectiveness of people's discomfort with things that break Biblical codes.

10/2/2006 10:01:52 AM

old testament God was a tough mofo

10/2/2006 10:03:26 AM

Serial. I like smiting. Not only is it a cool action, but the word is also cool.

10/2/2006 10:04:19 AM

i wouldn't mind owning a few canadians

10/2/2006 10:04:36 AM

i own several canadians.

they're pretty lazy though, gotta beat them a lot.

10/2/2006 10:20:57 AM

I wouldn't mind pwning this canadian:

10/2/2006 10:30:15 AM

need some help real quick...where in the New Testament does it say that Jesus is the only son/avatar/incarnation of God?

10/2/2006 12:00:22 PM

well probably the most well known verse:

"for god so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, and whosoever shall believeth in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life."

john 3:16. i'm sure there's others, but i don't believe in fairy tales enough to actually study them.

[Edited on October 2, 2006 at 12:04 PM. Reason : *]

10/2/2006 12:04:24 PM

Ah, but it still doesn't say there wouldn't be others since then?

10/2/2006 12:18:20 PM

if you believe that is the word of god and that there are no others (as most christians do), then that would be the only one.

but yeah i'm sure this fairy tale could be much more expansive.

10/2/2006 12:19:26 PM

Quote :

"The Bible calls Jesus the "only-begotten Son" of God. (John 1:14; 3:16, 18; 1 John 4:9) "

I just snatched it off some website. Check and see if the other versus say it too.

10/2/2006 12:33:03 PM

Well, NC sure owned some Canadians earlier this year

10/2/2006 12:38:57 PM

^ Nothing more entertaining than watching a bunch of folks from an American state that barely gets any snow each year beat Canadians in one of the few sports where they supposedly are top of the world.

Or as my sister once put it to her Canadian roommate swearing up a storm about the playoffs, "We have a hockey team?"

10/2/2006 1:12:12 PM

Quote :

"^ Nothing more entertaining than watching a bunch of folks from an American state that barely gets any snow each year beat Canadians in one of the few sports where they supposedly are top of the world."

Never mind that 99% of the hockey is foreign.

10/2/2006 1:16:54 PM

^ Meh, small detail.

10/2/2006 1:42:58 PM

Quote :

"When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? "

Yes. There is nothing I can stand LESS than a complaining neighbour.

Quote :

"I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? "

Pic?

Quote :

"I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. "

If they take offense, they're too uptight to be any fun anyway.

Quote :

"Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? "

Canada does not count as a nation. It is part of the United Kingdom, which is seated in England. Which does not, at this time, border the United States. God save the Queen.

Quote :

"I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? "

Draw straws with the other neighbors for who gets the privilege.

Quote :

"A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? "

Just go to Chick Fil A.

Quote :

"Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? "

You're not going there to read, you're going there to worship. That's why it's called the Altar of God and not Barnes & Noble.

Quote :

"Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? "

Method is discretionary.

Quote :

"I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? "

Yes, because today footballs are usually made from leather or synthetic materials.

A cup is often worn as well, but in your case it is not recommended.

Quote :

"My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) "

No you may not. There is no reason to be greedy and keep the fun all to yourself. And it's a good way to meet the neighbours. Maybe if you included them in more things like this, they wouldn't bitch at you so much about the odor in your first question.

[Edited on October 2, 2006 at 2:22 PM. Reason : share the fun]

10/2/2006 1:54:12 PM

Quote :

"Canada does not count as a nation. It is part of the United Kingdom, which is seated in England. Which does not, at this time, border the United States. God save the Queen. "

It's a part of the commonwealth which is different than the United Kingdom. The united kingdom only refers to England, Scotland, Wales, and northern Ireland.

Quote :

"Plus, footballs today are usually made of synthetic materials."

cowhide.

[Edited on October 2, 2006 at 1:59 PM. Reason : .]

10/2/2006 1:58:53 PM

Fixed the cowhide thing.

As far as the Commonwealth... eh, same thing.

10/2/2006 2:00:44 PM

hey look. A fundamentalist christian uses sarcasm to deflect legitimate points brought up in his sacred book which are all but ignored in the modern world.
how cute.

10/2/2006 2:05:50 PM

the real question is,

why would you want to?


Canada Sucks.

10/2/2006 2:07:16 PM

haha stumbled onto 700 club yesterday and ol pat robertson was doing a bit of selective enforcement of old testament stuff, made me laugh and remember this thread

10/12/2006 8:47:11 AM