Let's face it. Things are bad....massive illegal alien invasion, Iraq war deception and fiasco, domestic spying, erosion of civil liberties, government complicity and coverup on 9/11, dollar collapsing, wages stagnant while inflation rises, manufacturing jobs being shipped overseas, the middle class disappearing, personal debt skyrocketing, people struggling to make ends meet...and on and on.

The truth isn't that pleasant. That's why I've decided to go into total denial mode. Ignorance truly is bliss. So...I've been watching a lot of ABCBSNBCNNFOX, sports, and reality tv lately...and I've come to a few realizations and changes in perspective about what's going on...

Perhaps above all, know that Islamofascists want to kill us all. They hate freedom. They could sneak across the border and detonate a nookular weapon on us at any moment. But we'll leave the border wide open anyway. Al Quaider and Saddam collaborated to pull off 9/11...causing the U.S. Air Defense to stand down and Building 7 to collapse in a controlled demolition. Then they hid Saddam's WMDs in Iran and Syria before our invasion of Iraq. And the government didn't lie about Iraq having WMDs. They just had bad intelligence. So we've got to get dem Ayrabs. And yeah, we tortured some of them muslims. But torture is ok when we do it...because we're the good guys.

Anyone who opposes the glorious war on terror or the war in Iraq is a dangerous extremist and conspiracy theorist who gives aid to the enemy. Opposing or criticizing the government is crazy. It's unpatriotic and treasonous. Anyone who opposes the actions of our government is a paranoid anti-government extremist. Oh, and I've had it with that crazy conspiracy talk. There are no conspiracies in government. All governments are comprised of infinitely benevolent human beings who have nothing but the best interests of the masses at heart. The government loves us. It is always right and always tells the truth. And they can do whatever they want. Hey, they're the freaking government.

Now on to domestic issues. Bush's amnesty plan will truly reform immigration and fix our immigration problem. Even though illegal immigration costs U.S. citizens billions of dollars and lowers wages for Americans, it is our duty as politically correct citizens to not oppose it. After all, if you oppose illegal immigration your're an evil racist. And leaving the borders wide open while taking away the freedoms of Americans will protect Americans and keep us safe from the terrorists and Islamofascists. Don't worry about your freedoms being eroded. You have to give up your freedom to get security.

And why is all of this so you may ask? Because the establishment media and the government told me so. Don't bother questioning them because only they disemminate the gospel truth. Anyone who questions them should be immediately dismissed as a "kook" or "conspiracy theorist." Don't try to think about the issues seriously, intelligently, or logically. And don't worry about facts, evidence, and how things truly are. Just go on emotion, what is most comfortable for you, or whatever the establishment media tell you to believe. No matter how bad things look, everything will be ok if you just obey the government and media overlords.

As for the deteriorating economic situation...just watch a lot of American Idol and football and maybe that'll take your mind off how shitty things are.

12/29/2006 1:34:46 PM

12/29/2006 1:40:35 PM

Are you an Islamofascist sympathizer?

12/29/2006 1:41:08 PM

No, but I'm an Authoritarian.

12/29/2006 1:46:58 PM

Quote :

"So...I've been watching a lot of ABCBSNBCNNFOX, sports, and reality tv lately"

Ok...I confess...and a little Hannity and faux conservative radio.

But don't let that fool you into thinking I'm GOP. I'm a republicrat.

12/29/2006 1:49:39 PM

man i saw george bush and osama getting off a flying saucer with a shipment of cocaine...that shit was wild...did they sell that yayo to you salisbury?

12/29/2006 1:51:41 PM

Hey. I'm with ya brother. These conspiracy kooks are wacked out on drugs batshit insane. But they're dangerous too. We need to shut down their websites so they can't spew out they're pro-terrorist anti-government garbage.

12/29/2006 1:56:34 PM

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bulletproof S.U.V.'s out front, could you please move them? They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.'s and they need to get out.
Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents' dinner. To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one guy who could have helped.

By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to celebrate this president. We're not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book.

Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.

I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.

In fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy Meals possible. I said it's a celebration. I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all, I believe in this president.

Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

12/29/2006 1:58:46 PM

So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.

Okay, look, folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a comeback. I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." All right. The president in this case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is -- everything else in the world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His corner man, Mick, who in this case I guess would be the vice president, he's yelling, "Cut me, Dick, cut me!," and every time he falls everyone says, "Stay down! Stay down!" Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end he -- actually, he loses in the first movie.

OK. Doesn't matter. The point is it is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.

I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message: that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.

Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car!

And I just like the guy. He's a good Joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am.

I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true, or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American! I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.

The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.

As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side.

But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished.

Over the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.

But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the Decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know - fiction!

Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!

Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some are heroes: Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. They've all been on my show. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.

See who we've got here tonight. General Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.

Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on.

Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from the Reverend in a little while. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

Justice Scalia is here. Welcome, sir. May I be the first to say, you look fantastic. How are you? [After each sentence, Colbert makes a hand gesture, an allusion to Scalia's recent use of an obscene Sicilian hand gesture in speaking to a reporter about Scalia's critics. Scalia is seen laughing hysterically.] Just talking some Sicilian with my paisan.

John McCain is here. John McCain, John McCain, what a maverick! Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. This guy could have used a spoon! There's no predicting him. By the way, Senator McCain, it's so wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I have a summer house in South Carolina; look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you've seen the light, sir.

Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar, I guess is what I'm describing, a seasonal cookie.

12/29/2006 1:59:19 PM

Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god. [looks horrified] Oh, what have I said? I -- Je- minetti (sp?). I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife. Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.

And, of course, we can't forget the man of the hour, new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name, "Snow Job." Toughest job. What a hero. Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq.

Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, of course, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card's children. Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the decision so quickly, sir.

I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns.

Helen Thomas, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Smith, members of the White House Correspondents Association, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, it's been a true honor. Thank you very much. Good night!

12/29/2006 2:00:14 PM

Do these anti-government conspiracy loons not realize or care how much they energize the enemy? What happened to sedition and treason laws in this nation?

12/29/2006 2:03:35 PM

"if you cant beat em, join em" eh salisburyboy? thats your strategy? nobody is listening to the wacked out retard so you change your strategy? whatever happened to sticking with what you believe in? i guess if the next conspiracy theory tactic sounds better than the previous...

12/29/2006 2:08:32 PM

Quote :

"That's why I've decided to go into total denial mode."

hooray!!!

12/29/2006 2:10:40 PM

Does anyone have the link to that site where they debunk all the moonbat conspiracies?

What have those wing nut conspiracy kooks ever been right about? Answer me that.

12/29/2006 2:10:50 PM

.....*thinking*.....

12/29/2006 2:12:37 PM

This has been nagging me...if Osama didn't knock down WTC Building 7 in a controlled demolition, then who did?

Can any of these barking moonbat conspiracy nuts answer that question?

12/29/2006 2:16:32 PM

hahaha....why is that bugging you??

12/29/2006 2:17:03 PM

i saw cheney going to dinner at kim jong il's palace...he was with condoleeza rice and sean hannity

12/29/2006 2:21:24 PM

now listen salis...if you are going to live in denial and willfull ignorance like the rest of us poor bastards...you gotta stop wondering about irrelevant stuff like why did WTC 7 collapse....thats basically unacceptable

12/29/2006 2:23:29 PM

Penn and Teller already debunked the 9/11 wackos. CASE CLOSED.

12/29/2006 2:23:49 PM

some goofball's website already debunked the "official" 9/11 story...they proved it was bush and the us govt that downed the towers...grainy pictures = CASE CLOSED

12/29/2006 2:25:22 PM

I mean what is wrong with these kool-aid drinking maniacs. Isn't it obviouis? Islamofascists from caves in Afghanistan got NORAD to stand down and attacked us on 9/11 just like the government said so.

12/29/2006 2:27:26 PM

It's quite clear who carried out 9/11. Our glorious government has been very consistent on 9/11 from the very beginning. If fact, within mere minutes and hours of the attacks they knew exactly who did it. No investigation was needed. They were already making arrangements to kick some arse in Afganistanland. Hell yeah! Go America!!

12/29/2006 2:30:59 PM

salisburyboy when you are driving and you pull up to a stop sign do you floor it because the stop sign is just a zionist diversion from the truth?

12/29/2006 2:39:39 PM

These conspiracy kooks are America bashers. They hate America. Their websites, evidence, and arguments are steaming piles of bullshit. I don't believe a word they say. No...I take my cue from the good folks in the media who truly love America. They have American flags waving in the background on the newscasts and they wear nice suits. Anybody who questions the government or mainstream media is un-American.

12/29/2006 2:45:24 PM

look what he has already done...stopped answering any questions of replying to any responses...and just started posting the same crap over and over....

SHOCKING!!!

12/29/2006 2:47:39 PM

As you can tell, I REALLY hate conspiracy wackos. Their ideas are quite dangerous. I hate them even more than I hate those who oppose illegal immigration, oppose the glorious Iraq war, or complain about their civil liberties being eroded. Just stop it. Being lied to, invaded by millions of illegal aliens, and having your rights taken away is good. It's American. If you don't like it, then by God you're an evil racist anti-government bigot. This is the new Amerika. Love it or leave it.



[Edited on December 29, 2006 at 2:54 PM. Reason : ``]

12/29/2006 2:49:04 PM

Quote :

"He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. "

one of the best moments in political satire, ever

12/29/2006 2:52:20 PM

Quote :

"ook what he has already done...stopped answering any questions of replying to any responses...and just started posting the same crap over and over.... SHOCKING!!!ook what he has already done...stopped answering any questions of replying to any responses...and just started posting the same crap over and over.... SHOCKING!!!ook what he has already done...stopped answering any questions of replying to any responses...and just started posting the same crap over and over.... SHOCKING!!!ook what he has already done...stopped answering any questions of replying to any responses...and just started posting the same crap over and over.... SHOCKING!!!ook what he has already done...stopped answering any questions of replying to any responses...and just started posting the same crap over and over.... SHOCKING!!!ook what he has already done...stopped answering any questions of replying to any responses...and just started posting the same crap over and over.... SHOCKING!!!"

...now...wait for salis's next post...which will in no way reply to anything directed towards him....

[Edited on December 29, 2006 at 2:53 PM. Reason : asdf]

12/29/2006 2:52:35 PM

Our corporate/elite-controlled government is good. So says the corporate/elite-controlled media.

12/29/2006 3:00:21 PM

hahahahaha....right on cue....

salis....did you lie when you said you were switching over to denail??...did you?!!?

12/29/2006 3:01:01 PM

Quote :

"did you lie when you said you were switching over to denail??...did you?!!? "

forgive me

I have relapses

12/29/2006 3:01:40 PM

no sweat...just get it right

12/29/2006 3:02:33 PM

Quote :

"salisburyboy when you are driving and you pull up to a stop sign do you floor it because the stop sign is just a zionist diversion from the truth?"

HAHAHAHA. Tree, I usually don't like/disagree with your posts, but that one was good.

12/29/2006 3:04:05 PM

When will these 9/11 conspiracy nuts just shut up? The government already gave us the final word on 9/11. No matter how ridiculous the official story might be...it's your duty to believe it. Now accept it, stop asking questions, and learn to love fighting muslim countries for decades to come. And learn to give up your liberties. What's so hard about that?




[Edited on December 29, 2006 at 3:08 PM. Reason : ``]

12/29/2006 3:06:22 PM

relapse??

12/29/2006 3:06:48 PM

In regards to a way to deal with the problem of reality, not only do we need to only consume mainstream news and preoccupy ourselves with mindless entertainment. It is of primary importance that we shut down these extremist anti-American conspiracy sites. They are giving aid to the enemy and may jeopardize us winning the war on terror.

12/29/2006 3:19:27 PM

relapse???

12/29/2006 3:20:46 PM

Have some of you stopped and considered exactly how bat shit insane these wild-eyed conspiracy freaks are? They actually believe that George Bush and Dick Cheney used their secret time machine to conspire with John Wilkes Booth to plan the attacks. Then Bush, Cheney, and Bigfoot personally planted the explosives in the WTC and escaped unnoticed using alien technology in their UFO. It's true. It's not a smear-by-association straw man tactic. They REALLY believe that. ALL of them.

12/29/2006 3:29:27 PM

Is it really that hard for these whackjob tin-foil hat wearing inbreeding insane America hating imbecilic moron conspirazoid cranks to accept the truth that Islamofascist freedom-hating muslims carried out 9/11?

12/29/2006 3:59:47 PM

i blame cheese

12/29/2006 4:46:54 PM

I wish these government-hating delusional psycho crack-smoking drooling Ovaltine-drinking mouth-breathing loonie nutbar black helicopter crowd conspiracy maroon jerkoff bastards would just die. They've got to be stopped. They're giving aid and comfort to the Islamofascists. The Popular Mechanics article settled this once and for all. We need to start forcibly psychologically testing people to determine if they're mentally insane. Then we can lock these conspiracy kooks up in straighjackets where they belong.

12/29/2006 4:47:12 PM

seriously

this thread

good job

way to prove right everything we've said about you

tremendous

12/29/2006 4:52:45 PM

Quote :

"i blame cheese"

you better start blaming the Islamofascists

and the extremists and radicals

12/29/2006 4:59:57 PM

salisbury i dont think you're gonna get much resistance in this thread since pretty much everything you're saying, though sarcastic, is a lot more realistic than all the bullshit you usually spew

12/29/2006 5:15:38 PM

only salisburyboy can successfully troll himself

12/29/2006 6:35:13 PM

Quote :

"they're not killing saddam tonight they're relocating him to south dakota he's going to live Mt. Rushmore behind Teddy Roosevelt's mustache"

Quote :

"they're not killing saddam tonight they're relocating him to south dakota he's going to live Mt. Rushmore behind Teddy Roosevelt's mustache"

Quote :

"they're not killing saddam tonight they're relocating him to south dakota he's going to live Mt. Rushmore behind Teddy Roosevelt's mustache"

Quote :

"they're not killing saddam tonight they're relocating him to south dakota he's going to live Mt. Rushmore behind Teddy Roosevelt's mustache"

Quote :

"they're not killing saddam tonight they're relocating him to south dakota he's going to live Mt. Rushmore behind Teddy Roosevelt's mustache"

Quote :

"they're not killing saddam tonight they're relocating him to south dakota he's going to live Mt. Rushmore behind Teddy Roosevelt's mustache"

Quote :

"they're not killing saddam tonight they're relocating him to south dakota he's going to live Mt. Rushmore behind Teddy Roosevelt's mustache"

Quote :

"they're not killing saddam tonight they're relocating him to south dakota he's going to live Mt. Rushmore behind Teddy Roosevelt's mustache"

Quote :

"they're not killing saddam tonight they're relocating him to south dakota he's going to live Mt. Rushmore behind Teddy Roosevelt's mustache"

Quote :

"they're not killing saddam tonight they're relocating him to south dakota he's going to live Mt. Rushmore behind Teddy Roosevelt's mustache"

Quote :

"they're not killing saddam tonight they're relocating him to south dakota he's going to live Mt. Rushmore behind Teddy Roosevelt's mustache"

Quote :

"they're not killing saddam tonight they're relocating him to south dakota he's going to live Mt. Rushmore behind Teddy Roosevelt's mustache"

Quote :

"they're not killing saddam tonight they're relocating him to south dakota he's going to live Mt. Rushmore behind Teddy Roosevelt's mustache"

Quote :

"they're not killing saddam tonight they're relocating him to south dakota he's going to live Mt. Rushmore behind Teddy Roosevelt's mustache"

[Edited on December 30, 2006 at 2:12 PM. Reason : [quote]they're not killing saddam tonight]

12/30/2006 2:09:45 PM

seriously

this thread

good job

way to prove right everything we've said about you

tremendous

seriously

this thread

good job

way to prove right everything we've said about you

tremendous

seriously

this thread

good job

way to prove right everything we've said about you

tremendous

seriously

this thread

good job

way to prove right everything we've said about you

tremendous

seriously

this thread

good job

way to prove right everything we've said about you

tremendous

seriously

this thread

good job

way to prove right everything we've said about you

tremendous

seriously

this thread

good job

way to prove right everything we've said about you

tremendous

seriously

this thread

good job

way to prove right everything we've said about you

tremendous

12/31/2006 12:19:35 PM

duke has locked three threads since this one was made

jeez he sucks at modding

guess i'll get suspended now

1/1/2007 2:01:18 AM

Y'all need to watch Glenn Beck. He's pushing some serious propaganda on the dangers posed by the Islamofascists and extremist muslims. He even had Benjamin Netanyahu on recently talking about how Iran is going to unleash a modern-day blitzkrieg and Holocaust on the world if we don't attack Iran. Scary, scary stuff. They're trying to get WMDs just like Iraq did. We can't allow Iran to get a nuke. We must attack.

1/2/2007 11:40:13 AM