Se heres that background...

I'm getting married in about a 14 months, and I'm at that point where we're trying to decide whether we want to have a smaller wedding with just our families or if it would be really important to have a larger wedding with friends as well. It's going to be an out of town wedding, and a small budget would really be ideal. We know that planning a small out of town family wedding and having a large reception would be easier to plan, financially and logistically more appealing, and would also solve a few other deeper concerns not worth bringing up. My only problem is that I still cant past the hangup that a couple years down the line, I'm going to regret not having my friends there, since I'm honestly more attached to my good friends than I am my family. I'm worried I'll feel like I missed out on having them at that special event that's more than likely only going to happen once. I would hate to have some regrets about it down the line.

Anyway, to any of you old folks out there who have gone through the marriage thing already, how did you do it? I'm especially concerned with those of you who didn't have a "normal" in-church wedding, or an out of town wedding where you had to pay for a venue to accommodate everyone. Were you glad that you didn't have to go through the trouble of planning a large event, was it worth it to have your friends there, or would a large reception back home be just as enjoyable? I just need to convince myself that a reception back in town would be just as enjoyable or that i really should go through the extra trouble of having a larger wedding.

4/11/2007 12:40:41 AM

well it really depends on how many close friends and family you really want there - I think a decent wedding is a wedding with less than 40 people, ideally I'd shoot for 30 or less. I've been to weddings with 200 people there, and I don't enjoy them. You want your wedding to be personal and to spend time with those who you care about. I personally only had my family at my wedding, because when I got married my friends didn't really care much about me anymore, because I didn't enjoy partying or hanging out with the girls, I wanted to be with my husband most of the time. Just think of who is gonna be there down the road, and who will want to look back at the wedding as a good time.

Money shouldnt be an issue, an enjoyable experience is what you should be shooting for

4/11/2007 12:48:08 AM

more people = more gifts

4/11/2007 1:28:59 AM

elope

4/11/2007 1:53:43 AM

more people = more booze = more money = the more problems you get

4/11/2007 1:59:20 AM

I'm getting married this weekend. Go with the smallest wedding you can, or better yet, elope. We're having about 100 people to an outdoor wedding at my folk's farm and it's still been a pain in the ass. Honest to god, we wanted to have about 25 people when we started planning everything.

Trust me on this.

4/11/2007 7:36:40 AM

Vegas. Everything is better with Elvis.

4/11/2007 7:55:55 AM

have the small wedding. If this happens,

Quote :

"My only problem is that I still cant past the hangup that a couple years down the line, I'm going to regret not having my friends there, since I'm honestly more attached to my good friends than I am my family. I'm worried I'll feel like I missed out on having them at that special event that's more than likely only going to happen once."

you can always have one hell of an anniversary party. Think about it - anybody can get married - not everyone goes the distance with it - so the anniversary milestones are a much bigger deal.

Good luck!

4/11/2007 8:34:09 AM

Johnny Swank, I thought about the idea of having a small close friends and family thing, but once you start inviting a couple close friends, you kinda reason that "well youll have to invite a couple more", and then you get into the issue of "if this person is a groomsman, this other person should be too" and it all really becomes a hand picked thing where you're sure to piss some people off. You see, I'm a little more pushy about having my friends there, and the bride isnt, but if I invite people, even a couple, and she doesnt, I have a feeling those people SHE is friends with will get horribly jealous and it wouldnt end well.

[Edited on April 11, 2007 at 9:08 AM. Reason : In fact, I'm sure that would happen unless it was a secret that I had soem close freinds there.]

4/11/2007 9:06:54 AM

I'm going to tell you two stories of two different approaches to a small wedding. [words]

A friend of mine since high school essentially had this same problem. Her and her husband literally had their tickets to Vegas purchased, but because of a late night phone call from her dad who "felt something was up" and her husband's sisters' persistance (their mom had just died--felt he should have a wedding during this time of celebration) they had a wedding. Now this is where the tricky part came in. They just invited family and 6 close friends that had been there "throughout their relationship", but a lot of friends' feelings were hurt they weren't included during this special time. Mine included. Hell my friend's older sister is my sister-in-law. I definitely got over it, but some people didn't. They did not have a large reception, but a large engagement party.

However, my brother and his wife decided to have a destination wedding and a large reception. The destination wedding included their immediate family (just parents and siblings), and 20 of their closest friends that paid their own way to fly and stay at the resort for the wedding (pretty awesome that 20 of them were all gung ho and willing to pay). This of course was bothersome to the grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles and they got lots of questions and their feelings were hurt. But--It was an amazing weekend! Once they got back to have the very large reception, I think my brother and his wife were pretty burnt out and just ready for it to be over. Granted the party was awesome, all the family and friends were there and we all had a good time, but I think the stress of it all really got to them. What I thought was really cool though, they had a video projection of their wedding playing on loop throughout the reception in a corner so people could see the wedding though they weren't there.

All in all, do what YOU and your fiance want. It's your wedding. Some feelings may be hurt though it you keep it in the family, as some may be if you have more friends than family there. Even if you elope, when you get back I'm sure that some families and friends get pissed (though they may not say anything) they weren't there for that special day.

4/11/2007 9:29:03 AM

I want a smallish wedding with friends and close family that I actually stay in contact with. My mother however, in her infinite wisdom *sarcasm*, wants to invite 400 freaking people. You see the problem with my wedding? Fortunately my dad refuses to pay for that many people. So budget might come into play for you and solve that problem real quick.

4/11/2007 10:20:12 AM

I want to elope and if my family must know about it, we can have a BBQ.

4/11/2007 10:29:03 AM

Quote :

"more people = more gifts"

= more thank you cards = more procrastination in writing them

4/11/2007 10:51:40 AM

Getting married in 3 days, having a big wedding, 200 ppl. I just can't imagine having these people that have been there for us for so long and not be able to share one of the most important days in our lives with them. If you can afford it, and you're closer to your friends than your fam, do it. You only get to do it once.

4/11/2007 11:03:52 AM

[words - sorry]

While I can't speak from personal experience, (I was lucky enough to have a great wedding experience with very little stress.) I can give advice from observations of the things that stressed out friends or family who were married recently.

As much as a wedding is basically about the bride and maybe a little bit about the groom, once the ball starts rolling, you realize that many people would like the wedding to also be about them. Everyone has heard the horror stories about the overbearing mother-in-law, crazy bridesmaid, et al.

I suggest you sit down with your spouse-to-be and have an honest conversation about what the two of you want. The worst thing you can do is start worrying about what other people want your wedding to be. They will gladly do that themselves. The day is about you. When uncle Jimbo or college roomie Jane gets married, they can choose how they arrange their wedding day.

Regarding guests, think about who you would want to be at your wedding, not about who you will or will not offend. No matter the guest size there will always be some conflict. Even beyond feeling left out, someone will want to bring their kids or a guest. The possibilities are so limitless that it isn't worth your time worrying.

Remember that while etiquette is important in the myriad of activities surrounding a wedding, there is a very classy way to do just about any wedding

I know when thinking about your situation it's easy to say, "well, it's never that simple", but my best advice would be to make decisions after careful consideration and then stick by them, whatever the consequences. Friends and family who truly care about you will care more about your happiness on one of the biggest days of your life than any of petty detail.

4/11/2007 11:07:03 AM

our invitations just went out for about 350-400 - we're expecting 250 - i have the same feeling as ^

everyone on my side that i invited i would miss if they weren't there even if i only see them for a minute or two

4/11/2007 11:07:28 AM

Haven't read the whole thread, but my wife and I only had about 45 people at our wedding. We got married at Exploris downtown, and it wasn't a "normal" church wedding by any means. We had mostly family with a few close friends. It was perfect, enough people there to fill out the dance floor mingle with, but not so many that you couldn't sit down and talk with everyone for a few minutes. I've been to weddings with 200+ people and it seemed impersonal. Plus we were paying for a majority of it ourselves, so it was much more feasible to feed and entertain 45 people than over 100 (which was what we originally planned for). Like I said I thought the size was perfect, and in hindsight we wouldn't have changed one thing about the way the wedding went.

I can understand wanting all of the people in your life to attend, but honestly you can't expect to spend any meaningful amount of time with 200 or 300 people in a couple hours. The best you are going to get is a "Hi thanks for coming, good to see you" kind of thing before you have to move to the next table.

4/11/2007 11:14:19 AM

Quote :

"but honestly you can't expect to spend any meaningful amount of time with 200 or 300 people in a couple hours. "

agreed, thats why we are inviting all of our out-of-town guests (which is 75% of the people coming) to the rehearsal dinner. it will be an informal setting where we will actually get a chance to talk with people. the wedding will be too hectic for that.

4/11/2007 11:17:15 AM

ask your fiance, not TWW

4/11/2007 11:23:30 AM

Truth be told, its not a matter of inviting a ton of people, its been more an issue with who will actually be involved in the wedding. The family wedding would solve some of those previously mentioned "deeper concerns", but I dont think its what we really want. Part of the issue is what happens when you have close friends for a long time, then suddenly your friendship changes and you dont know how involved you want them in the wedding. What we're thinking about is a small wedding with closer family and some close friends, but not having a wedding party. Not having a wedding party (other than us obv.) would solve a majority of our personal problems.

4/11/2007 11:35:19 AM

you sound too worried about pleasing other people rather than yourselves - do whatever you want - your wedding day shouldn't sever any friendships...

4/11/2007 11:37:26 AM

A friend of mine and I were talking the other day about a wedding she had just been to and b/c of the issues with "who's going to be up here with me" they didn't have a wedding party either. Just a ring bearer and flower girl.

4/11/2007 11:43:27 AM

I am fully prepared for my mother going into a crazy it's all about me and my family mode and having a breakdown every day as the wedding draws near. My mother is psychotic even when not planning important functions.

4/11/2007 1:08:07 PM

if you're paying for the wedding yourself, do what you want to do (you means you or you and your fiancee)

and don't drop too much money if you can reasonably avoid it. Using that cash for paying down debt, down payment on a house, etc. is going to be more valuable to your marriage than one day out of your life.

It's an important day, certainly. But don't sacrifice the quality of life at the beginning of your marriage for one single day.

4/11/2007 1:54:57 PM

Amen Bobby. Amen.

Now pass that collection plate for me Brother!

Actually, we'll (collectively) have about 3.5 - 4K in this wedding with everything (catering, suits, flowers, etc) I can live with that.

4/11/2007 2:41:19 PM

Quote :

"more people = more gifts"

The average person does not spend more on your gift than it will cost you for them to eat.

We used Catering Works for our catering and it ran about $70 per person for food, service, and tables/linens. This did not include the Cotton Company rental space (like $1500 or so), wine and beer (about $600), flowers ($, hell if I know), DJ, cake ($400), tips, and probably a few more things I'm forgetting. When we were trying to pair down our list I kept thinking "Do I really like this person enough for it to cost me a good $175-$190 for them and their date to attend?" We wanted to keep ours small (invited 140 with anticipation of 90-100 attending, think we got 88). To be honest, I would not want to have more because you simply don't get a chance to talk to everyone and enjoy the time. A smaller size definitely made it more intimate and personal. We had almost all family and a handful of truly close friends and there is no one that I ever think "Damn, I really think the experience was lacking because I didn't have so-and-so there." Plus, it was nice not having to worry about FraternityBrother#21, CoWorker#7, HockeyTeamGuy#4, or PersonWhoLivesDownTheStreet#12 drinking excessively and making a scene.

Here was a wedding facts snippet that seemed pretty accurate to me:
http://www.bestweddingsites.com/Articles/Article_June04_Facts.html

Quote :

"The average cost of a wedding is around $16,500 - $20,000 (not including rings and honeymoon) - for the average wedding with 186 guests, that's $88.70 - $107.53 per person!"

4/11/2007 3:23:29 PM

Luckily, I have only a handful of real friends. I made a pre-invite list the other day and between my family, his family, and our close friends I only got to 52 people.

It's also lucky that we both have very small families.

4/11/2007 3:46:41 PM