So in short (ok, long), my best friend from back home is getting married. Me and 3 other girls are bridesmaids. I live here and she's still home in the Northeast so it's been harder for me to fufill my obligations. Anyway, her mother decided to throw her a surprise bridal shower. "Great!" I thought, until I found out that she was inviting 100 people, having it catered with linens and florist flowers, and expects the bridesmaids to chip in $200 and time and effort getting things ready. I already spent $250 in airfare to surprise her for this party and alot more in other wedding related activities. My beef is this:

When I recieved the invitation the other day, it said that the shower was being hosted solely by the brides parents. No mention of bridesmaids spending money(4/5 of it) or time (I'm personally making homemade cheesecake for 4 dozen people). Not only that, but it specifically mentioned where the couple was registered (which I find to be tacky but realize that it's acceptable in this day and age), but said that only registered gifts or cash would be appreciated. It then went on to "remind" everyone that they need to include their gift receipt in case the couple wants to return the item. What the hell happened to getting a toaster and shoving it in your closet?

My friend is actually very laid back about the wedding and I feel her mom is going completely crazy. My friend knows nothing about this shower. I feel pretty pissed off at her mom and think she's just grubbing for presents and money. Is it acceptable to say that since I'm paying for airfare I shouldn't contribute more? That to expect to give a bridal gift on top of airfare x2, catering fees, the dress, the wedding, and a wedding gift is completely ridiculous? That she's gone overboard and me and the bridemaids feel taken advantage of? I've known this woman a long time and usually I like her, but she's gone insane. Any suggestions?

5/13/2008 1:59:49 PM

Quote :

"Is it acceptable to say that since I'm paying for airfare I shouldn't contribute more?"

i think so but thats just me. you have no obligation to it.

5/13/2008 2:02:22 PM

fuck etiquette, don't give that bitch a dime

5/13/2008 2:02:52 PM

Quote :

"only registered gifts or cash would be appreciated. It then went on to "remind" everyone that they need to include their gift receipt in case the couple wants to return the item."

classy...

5/13/2008 2:03:17 PM

yeah, i would suddenly have a prior engagement i can't get out of.

5/13/2008 2:08:01 PM

No, etiquette says you definitely don't contribute to this party. Politely reply that you are too strapped to afford $200 for the party. If she hassles you again about it, tell her to fuck off.

5/13/2008 2:16:39 PM

sounds like you (and maybe some of the other bridesmaids) just need to be honest with her mom about how much she is committing you to. Need to tell her that you cannot afford the extra cost and time.

If your friend, the bride, understands where you're coming from, then she needs to talk to her mom about it.

5/13/2008 2:20:48 PM

tww ettiquette.............no long posts

5/13/2008 2:26:43 PM

I can't tell the bride about this because she knows nothing about her surprise shower. Also, we do all need to confront the mom, but that's difficult because I'm so far away and because I'm the one feeling the burden of this the most. All the other bridesmaids are married with children and a stable household income...I graduated 2 years ago with out-of-state loans. I've known the bride for over 22 years, so I know her mother very well. I'm just not sure how to bring up the fact that I think she's money and gift hungry and is acting completely out of line.

5/13/2008 2:40:07 PM

I would probably say contact the other bridesmaides and see if you get the same sentiment from them. Hopefully they'll be feeling the same way, and you can go to the mom as a group and regulate. I mean she is the mother of the bride afterall. Not you. It's not fair for you to shell out $200 (on top of everything else you're paying for) when you had no say in the planning or scale of the shower in the first place. That's like someone hosting a dinner party, inviting you as a close friend, and then asking you to foot part of the bill because they invited so many people.

If she doesn't listen to reason I would just say I'm not paying. Either she sucks it up and foots the bill herself, and you go to the party, or you don't go and the bride's mom can explain to her why you weren't there.

Edit:
On a conciliatory note you can tell the mom you would like to help any way you can, but you just don't have the financial resources to shell out $200 on top of everything else. If she gets pissed, then you tell her she's being a money-grubbing whore and to shove it. Hopefully it won't play out that way though. Either way, good luck.

[Edited on May 13, 2008 at 2:47 PM. Reason : screw her]

5/13/2008 2:44:08 PM

unless you agreed to chin in money beforehand, i'd tell her that due to financial hardship that you won't be able to contribute. if she presses you, tell her to fuck off - plus i'd tell the daughter.

5/13/2008 2:48:49 PM

NO WAY!! It is completely rude to only say the party is hosted by them and then ask you to help pay for it. Not only that but 100 people for a bridal shower is way overboard and shows you just want gifts (not only that but just the ones off the registry or cash with a gift receipt). Bridal showers are supposed to be close family and friends only, hosted by the brides mom or maid of honor or all bridesmaids. Whoever contributes to the party should be considered a host on the invitation. I would not give any money to her, being a bridesmaid is expensive enough, especially long distance. My bridal shower had about 15 people, we grilled some hamburgers and hotdogs. The only way you are supposed to mention where you are registered is if someone asks. You should NEVER put only registered gifts or cash are appreciated or remind them to include a gift receipt. That is absolutely unacceptable.

5/13/2008 3:05:54 PM

Quote :

"t said that the shower was being hosted solely by the brides parents"

then it should be paid for solely by the brides parents

5/13/2008 3:07:24 PM

Quote :

"but said that only registered gifts or cash would be appreciated. It then went on to "remind" everyone that they need to include their gift receipt in case the couple wants to return the item. What the hell happened to getting a toaster and shoving it in your closet?"

does not compute. If they created the registry (obviously only of items they want) wtf are they returning?

5/13/2008 3:17:49 PM

asking for registered only gifts but then noting to include the gift receipt is insane.

anyway, as everyone else is saying just politely tell her (on the phone not email) that you are very excited about celebrating her daughters impending nuptials at the wedding shower, however, due to the rising airline costs you are unable to contribute to the overall costs of the party


as tacky as she is being about this party (100 people invited to a WEDDING SHOWER) i have a hard time believing she will put up that much of a fuss. if she does, dont be snotty back (though you will really want to) just reply with a "i'm sorry you feel that way, i'll see you in x number of weeks at the shower"

5/13/2008 3:23:55 PM

Quote :

"does not compute. If they created the registry (obviously only of items they want) wtf are they returning?"

lets say they get one thing on the registry they only marginally wanted, but didn't get the thing they really wanted.

return/exchange.

or lets say they registered for 12 place settings of china

they got 14 bowls, but only 8 of everything else.
return the bowls.

5/13/2008 3:37:23 PM

all of it is tacky but i cannot believe they even included CASH on the invitation. seriously? seriously. wow. why would her mom even send out something like that. she must have no shame. anyway, i agree with everyone else. you definitely need to say something to the mom---blame it on rising airfare costs, etc. you are making the trip to be there for the party and you are making food. what is she going to do? tell you you can't come? that wouldn't make her daughter very happy and if the daughter is laid back like you said, the mom would have a hard time explaining to her why one of the bridesmaids was absent. i would totally say something. but make it polite even though it seems like it will be hard to based on the info you've already provided. this woman sounds like an insane biatch.

5/13/2008 3:43:29 PM

Quote :

"or lets say they registered for 12 place settings of china they got 14 bowls, but only 8 of everything else. return the bowls. "

registries are pretty sophisticated these days. as soon as someone purchases something off of a registry is immediately deducted from the items needed (or quantity of items needed if its something like 12 bowls). the only way i see someone getting more than what they wanted is if multiple people by the same item at different stores at the same time

5/13/2008 4:03:44 PM

I was thinking that perhaps they couldn't specify on the registry and would want to return their red blender because it didn't match with a blue theme or something. Or, as stated before, maybe at some point they may realize that their crown molding needs replacing and they really don't need that antique looking vase they got. Either way, I think it's tacky, and I feel a bit offended just reading the invitation

5/13/2008 4:34:05 PM

^^ Some people just check the registry online or whatever and then go to the store and pull the item off the shelf and buy it without having anyone update the registry. Yes, that is really dumb of them, but a lot of people are not too bright.

5/13/2008 4:38:30 PM

Quote :

"NO WAY!! It is completely rude to only say the party is hosted by them and then ask you to help pay for it. Not only that but 100 people for a bridal shower is way overboard and shows you just want gifts (not only that but just the ones off the registry or cash with a gift receipt). Bridal showers are supposed to be close family and friends only, hosted by the brides mom or maid of honor or all bridesmaids. Whoever contributes to the party should be considered a host on the invitation. I would not give any money to her, being a bridesmaid is expensive enough, especially long distance. My bridal shower had about 15 people, we grilled some hamburgers and hotdogs. The only way you are supposed to mention where you are registered is if someone asks. You should NEVER put only registered gifts or cash are appreciated or remind them to include a gift receipt. That is absolutely unacceptable."

i agree with all that

and it sounds like the mom is a little way short on class

don't pay a dime more than the tickets and everything else you've already committed to

5/13/2008 5:08:51 PM

Quote :

"registries are pretty sophisticated these days. as soon as someone purchases something off of a registry is immediately deducted from the items needed (or quantity of items needed if its something like 12 bowls). the only way i see someone getting more than what they wanted is if multiple people by the same item at different stores at the same time"

they only deduct it from the registry if the person explicitly tells them to. that does not happen all of the time. or even most of the time in some cases.

5/13/2008 7:21:28 PM

I'd tell the mom she needs to pay for the party, but I'd consider chipping in for some prozac.

5/13/2008 7:27:29 PM

classic case of a woman getting wedding mania.

5/13/2008 8:40:11 PM

Wow.

Yet another vote for call her up, and just politely tell her that you dont have the money for another "unexpected" expense, with the cost of the airfare etc.

That is totally classless of her mother. Dear, god. You dont throw a party for tons of people and expect some of them to pay for the rest unexpectedly. She is really out of her mind. And the invitations/registry thing is crap. As is her mother not telling you beforehand about money (icing on the classless cake we got going here).

And I thought my cousin's wedding invites/shower/stuff that my aunt handled was tacky. (Absolutely nothing compared to this)

5/13/2008 11:38:04 PM

Quote :

"On a conciliatory note you can tell the mom you would like to help any way you can, but you just don't have the financial resources to shell out $200 on top of everything else."

I agree with this. It's polite but gets your point across.

5/13/2008 11:40:15 PM

for our registries, we got around listing them on invites by just putting a thing that says "for more information go to (our theknot site)" which happens to list the registries.

that being said, i don't expect our wedding party to contribute anything besides getting to the wedding and guys paying for the suit rental. bridesmaids dresses are provided for the girls (fiance is making them, fashion design major). and i feel bad enough asking for the guys to cough up $100 for the suit.

5/13/2008 11:58:28 PM

How awful. I would be really angry with my mom if she tried to pull a stunt like this when I get married.

5/14/2008 8:25:30 AM

paying airfare on top of a party that's not even the wedding and

Quote :

"but said that only registered gifts or cash would be appreciated. It then went on to "remind" everyone that they need to include their gift receipt in case the couple wants to return the item. What the hell happened to getting a toaster and shoving it in your closet?"

makes me think that you shouldn't go to the party

(sound like money grubbing uptight bitches)

5/14/2008 11:44:30 AM

RUDE RUDE RUDE.

I don't know where to start. I realize I am about to tell you exactly what you are already thinking

It is perfectly acceptable for you to explain to the mother that you can't financially help. The only thing a bridesmaid is obligated to do is show up for the wedding, buy the dress and walk down the aisle.

If my name was not on the invitation or I was not allowed to help plan or at least agree to host a shower, I would not feel that I would financially have to help. You are making cheesecake, that is plenty.

I would want my bridesmaids to tell me if my mom pulled something like that.

As a former bride, I preferred my girls not spending any money on me for gifts, showers or other unnecessary items. In the end, presents are not important and my friends enjoyed themselves more because they were not saddled with debt to be in my wedding. Your friend will not care if you do not bring a gift.

5/14/2008 11:59:53 AM

To the OP: I am a bride-to-be myself (I'm replying on my Fiance's name sorry) and while I'm not claiming to be an expert at this whole wedding thing I can tell you what my opinion about your financial assistance and other things. I am having 6 bride's maids (my 3 sisters and 3 of my girlfriends), when I first found out that they were responsible for not only buying their dresses, getting their makeup , hair and nails done I thought WOW that's a lot. Then I found out that they were also responsible for financially assisting with the bridal shower and the bachelorette party as well as getting themselves to the wedding and ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO GET A GIFT FOR ME TOO?!?!?!? I think not. I immediately had a private talk with all my bridesmaids letting them know that in no way do I expect them to financially help out that much. I always thought that them being in the wedding was their gift to the new couple. After talking with them I realized they knew about these expenses before saying yes but I still reassured them that they did not have to pay for more than their dresses and even if they couldn't do that to just let me know. I think it is so rude and completely ridiculous to expect so much out of my friends and sisters who are all still in college to contribute that much money. To me the time is more precious than anything else.

As for your specific problems I would talk to the MOTB and let her know that you are not in a financial position to help with these costs. Let her know that you are already putting in a couple hundred dollars for the dress and airfare. Also, if my mother was sending out invitations like that I would WANT to know. Those are the most distasteful invitations that I have ever heard of! I can understand that a lot of couples are putting on the backs of invitations where they are registered but to do anything more than that is just plain TACKY!!! As her friend I would have to tell her or at least show her the invitation because ultimately people are going to think that about her.

I hope this helps! Good luck with the wedding!

(PS this is my first ever post on the WW so forgive me for being so long!!!)

5/14/2008 1:17:27 PM

^she's so cute.

5/14/2008 1:22:36 PM

Quote :

"OMFGPlzDoMe"

5/14/2008 1:29:54 PM

Ugg...is EVERY mother of the bride crazy nuts and self-involved? (I'm counting my own in this one too )

5/14/2008 1:32:18 PM

i dont think the mother of my wife-to-be has done a single thing in our wedding planning. granted we dont really care about having a shower & bachlorette party, and she lives a couple thousand miles away.

my own mom has only really given us advice and addressed our invitations.

5/14/2008 1:38:36 PM

Count yourself lucky. My mother has decided that since she's helping pay for the wedding (They offered) that she can now say anything she wants and make comments as if they are law, or "i'm not paying for this wedding." Great...don't.

5/14/2008 1:41:25 PM

gift receipt for registry makes sense. Lets say you register for 12 place settings. People will likely get 1-4 (depending on price and such) of them for you, and you actually end up with 12. Most of these places also have large packs (where you get like 4 or 8 settings + serving dishes or bowls, or something) you take back 4 or 8 of the individuals, exchange them, and then get the mega pack for the same price but now you have the additional perks of the bulk buy. Someone i know did this recently, and it basically allowed her to get 12 matching salad bowls for something like an extra 20 bucks

5/14/2008 1:46:30 PM

my GFs parents separated about 2 years ago and she pretty much cannot stand her mom. Luckily her dad is an awesome, awesome guy. Guess shes just going to get friends to help out with wedding planning etc.

5/14/2008 1:47:49 PM

Quote :

"Count yourself lucky. My mother has decided that since she's helping pay for the wedding (They offered) that she can now say anything she wants and make comments as if they are law, or "i'm not paying for this wedding." Great...don't."

Elope. Seriously, it's not worth dealing with that shit. You can get married in jeans, then since you already have the place reserved turn it into a huge party.

5/14/2008 1:49:22 PM

If I were you I'd say that I'm not in a position to spend another $200 with all of the other expenses you are incurring.

If you try to argue that you "shouldn't" have to pay $200 you'll look like a bitch in her eyes. I know nobody else would think that about you if they knew the whole situation, but I don't think you want her gossiping behind your back either. If all of the bridesmaids are willing to confront the mother about the issue then it's a different situation entirely.

5/14/2008 2:05:26 PM

My mom basically just wrote the checks. I picked out the place (I asked her to come with me and check it out), she helped pick out some flowers, said she liked whatever dress I liked, etc. It was all up to me. I ordered my own invitations, did my own favors, printed my own programs. My mom didn't have any more input than I needed. It was all very non-stressful. The only problem was with my mother in law, who tried to be the MOTB, but was put in her place

5/14/2008 2:16:54 PM

Well give you a cookie.

5/14/2008 2:50:46 PM

Eh Shut it.... I'm just saying it is possible for a Mom to not be in total control to the point of obnoxiousness at her daughter's wedding. It goes by way too fast to be a control freak and stress out about every detail.

5/14/2008 2:55:32 PM

Probably jealous because there's about a 1% chance of having a mom like that.

My mom loves to make a huge deal about everything. That right there is enough reason to elope. She'd want to sew me a dress and I'd end up looking like the FLDS women only in white (I hate white) and they'd still somehow find a way to back out of what they'd agreed to pay for.

Only way I'd agree to this marriage crap is with a prenup, elope, then send my parents an announcement card with the location of the reception/wild party same as everyone else.

5/14/2008 3:09:51 PM

from a dude's perspective, i dont even get included on 80-90% of the plans that occur for mine...i just found out that a party was being thrown for us a couple weeks before our wedding and no one even bothered to include me on the email announcing it to her parents, my parents, etc to make sure it was a date i could make or even just for general awareness

5/14/2008 3:19:08 PM

This is truly unreal. UNREAL! I am so appalled by the mother's actions that I can hardly believe it.

On a similar note, I really don't understand what brides (and their mothers apparently) expect from their bridesmaids. I haven't asked my girls for a damn thing except to buy their dresses (which were just over $100). I don't need their help with anything else. This is our wedding, not theirs; they aren't my slaves, they are my friends. I just can't get over the entitlement issues so many people seem to have.

5/14/2008 3:27:53 PM

Well I have the feeling that the mother is trying to live vicariously through her daughter. When I asked why the party was so huge, she replied "well my daughter's just sooo popular!" (yes, she's friendly and nice and has alot of friends, but I wouldn't classify her as popular and I've known her 23 years) My brothers wife IS popular and she only had about 12 people at her bridal shower.

I told her that I would not be contributing for the cost of the party and she said she understood. But in the same conversation she mentioned how she thought of this awesome idea to have an egg timer during present opening because there would be sooooooooo many presents it would take hours and that when the egg timer went off the person who's gift was being opened would get a small gift themselves. I was like ok.....

5/14/2008 3:42:26 PM

Quote :

"when the egg timer went off the person who's gift was being opened would get a small gift themselves."

excuse me, what??

5/14/2008 4:28:23 PM

I'm surprised she doesn't want to use the egg timer to make her daughter open gifts faster, as in when the 30 second timer goes off, she has to move on to one of the other million presents.

5/14/2008 5:25:27 PM

I've seen a varying amount of what a bridesmaid should do. I've been in 2 weddings. The most I had to do was show up for the showers, have my dress on time, and make it to the brunch. 1 wedding the bride paid for my hair and makeup.

For my bridesmaids, I told them I didn't want them to do a damn thing except buy the dress and keep me calm. For my bachelorette I'm even renting a beach house in SC with my own money and just asked them to take a week off work to relax with me before all the crazy stuff happens. I'm also paying for their hair and makeup, and a hotel stay with me the night before the wedding so they can also help me put together the centerpieces. (600 roses will take awhile, haha)

5/14/2008 5:38:56 PM