Recently married, just under a year. Things arent really going well, I dont know if I should cut and run now or should I try to give it another shot, not sure if its worth it, I am still young and all I can think about is that life is too short to be unhappy and its time to give up on it. Whats tww think about that?

7/17/2008 10:15:23 PM

more detail ?



any cheating ?

7/17/2008 10:16:17 PM

I think you should talk to your wife about it and get her opinion. Maybe it is something you can both work on.
She can probably sense that you feel that way and may be feeling the same way herself?

Communication is key.

7/17/2008 10:16:57 PM

No cheating.

Have communicated all my wants and needs and I respond to hers, problem is she never changes anything about them and is very immature and generally unpolished in social situations. I mean I love her and all I just dont know.

7/17/2008 10:19:28 PM

sounds like a typical marriage to me

7/17/2008 10:23:07 PM

she likes to drink? is that it?

7/17/2008 10:26:03 PM

why did you get married in the first place?

these seem like things to work out before hand.

7/17/2008 10:27:11 PM

Quote :

"why did you get married in the first place? these seem like things to work out before hand."

7/17/2008 10:32:54 PM

Quote :

"why did you get married in the first place? these seem like things to work out before hand."

How about some more concrete examples?

7/17/2008 10:36:15 PM

Communication is key

7/17/2008 10:36:36 PM

What exactly is hypothetical about this situation?

7/17/2008 10:43:54 PM

If you really wanna try and make it work, what about marriage counseling?

/not married, just spewing advice like i know what im talking about after watching "tell me you love me" on hbo

7/17/2008 10:46:25 PM

Well...damn...I've been here before.

And your position sucks.

There are three big things (other than love) that I think are crucial to a successful marriage:

1. Trust.
2. Communication.
3. Compromise.

You have to be able to trust and confide in each other. Of course, there are some times when you need to keep your impulse feelings to yourself, because that's just what they are: impulsive...and they may (and often do) pass with a little time. Big picture, long term. That's what's important.

Every marriage has a good deal of compromise; each of you has to give some to get the maximum benefit. The whole should be greater than the sum of the parts, and each of you should realize that in order to make the whole work, sometimes ya just gotta give. If she's all about the take but not the give, then maybe you really ought to analyze the situation a little more. Love is NOT enough to keep a marriage going...my dad said (and I think this came from my granddad, rest his soul, great family man that he was) that sometimes it's like managing a business. Not all the time, just sometimes.

I tell you this: think long-term. Can you see yourself with this person in 20 years? How about 50? What was the major factor in deciding on whether or not to get married? Were you thinking with the BIG head and not the little one? Sex is a shitty thing to base a relationship on...it's a peripheral benefit of the relationship, not its core.

And after this, I'll shut my mouth. Have you thought about getting an outside objective opinion and/or counseling from a professional? I think it might be well worth your while. If you want to, but she refuses, even after you tell her it would be to try and work things out, then you might want to think about bailing.

Ok, I lied. More rant. I married somebody not quite mature or polished and ultimately with irreconcilable differences...and it was a big mistake. I learned a hell of a lot from the experience, but it was pretty painful. Divorced now, and glad I am. But YOU have to decide for yourself...and you may want to seek professional help. I sure as hell did, and I'm glad I did.

7/17/2008 10:50:29 PM

people give up too easily nowadays...but if you really are a 15 year old freshman in Laser Engineering...i think you may be a little young to be married.

7/17/2008 11:15:48 PM

Quote :

"I mean I love her and all"

No, you don't know what the definition of love is. Look it up.


I'll do that for you too:


Love = unconditional acceptance.


THAT MEANS "NO MATTER WHAT" YOU ACCEPT HER FOR WHO AND WHAT SHE IS.


Get it?

7/18/2008 12:17:39 AM

I have some friends in a similar situation. Been married almost 2 years and are fighting all the time. She has left on a weekend once or twice to stay at her parents. Part of the problem is that she is 22 and he's 30. Their main issues seem to be finances and her immaturity. She gets jealous at the slightest little thing and doesn't want him to talk to other females or hang out with friends. If it wasn't for her getting pregnant, I don't think things would have worked.

Quote :

"problem is she never changes anything about them and is very immature and generally unpolished in social situations"

You can't change people. Either love them for who they are or don't settle for something you don't want. My best advice would be to do everything in your power to make things work including counseling, or if you are not feeling it, then get a divorce and move on. Whatever you choose, make a decision and stick with it.

7/18/2008 12:20:12 AM

That's a pretty good way to sum it up.

Oh...and you'll never change a person. THEY have to change, and only because they want to, and on their terms.

7/18/2008 12:20:30 AM

Quote :

"very immature and generally unpolished in social situations"

This doesn't sound like a serious enough complaint without any examples

7/18/2008 12:29:56 AM

getting divorced after a year smacks of very poor planning. If you didn't know how she was before, you are at fault and you owe it to her to give it a bunch more tries. No matter what, even if you love somebody, they are going to do things that make you cringe EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Remember why you love her and realize she is not perfect. Don't act like a douche cause she doesn't think you are perfect either. If you really want your marriage to work you may have to make serious changes to your lifestyle, but that should be a pretty high priority.


on a side note, become familiar with the definition of "hypothetical." It will help you sound polished in social situations.

[Edited on July 18, 2008 at 1:03 AM. Reason : g]

7/18/2008 12:56:44 AM

Quote :

"Have communicated all my wants and needs and I respond to hers, problem is she never changes anything about them and is very immature and generally unpolished in social situations. I mean I love her and all I just dont know."

DUDE, WHAT?!

Problems? These ain't problems. Pfffft

If you get divorced now, promise me you won't ever get married again. That IS marriage. If you're in a marriage and you don't experience those types of problems, then you're in an abnormal marriage.

I suggest getting some counseling, get some Jesus, get any sort of help. #1 rule in arguments -> humility. Admit wrong first. Even if you're right. Be the initiator of peaceful talks/negotiations. Even if the person doesn't change or admit fault, atleast you made the effort. And that's what will count in the long run.

Seriously, you ain't got problems. Don't be such a panzy. I've been married for 3 years now. I'm a master carpenter from fixing all holes and damaged furniture of ours I don't even consider those problems. Those are just little bumps in the road.

7/18/2008 1:04:14 AM

Quote :

"#1 rule in arguments -> humility"

Signed. If you enter an argument (with your wife) with the intention of winning, you have already lost.

7/18/2008 1:06:38 AM

Quote :

"If you enter an argument (with your wife) with the intention of winning, you have already lost."

Fixed it.

Did you do any pre-marriage counseling? I HIGHLY recommend you give it a shot. I'm betting there is a good chance that a counselor will end up saying that you are being a douche.

The "problems" that she has, have you asked why she continues to be "very immature" and "unpolished" when you've expressed concern/contempt? Have other people confirmed that her behavior and attitude are out of line or are is there just a chance that your are being a self-centered bitch about it?

7/18/2008 1:46:15 AM

got married too young man

7/18/2008 5:56:33 AM

^yeah

i know people starting to get married in their early 20's and this just puts a big question mark over my head

7/18/2008 9:20:49 AM

my fiance and i have been together for six years now and are getting married next summer. we're kinda slow to advance our relationship, but i think we're both the slow, rational, pragmatic type. no need to rush things. we've grown and changed a lot since we started dating way back in early college.

and what they say is true. it does take a lot of damn work. and talking. and changing. and doing shit you don't want to. etc. communication really is the key. Read the "5 Languages of Love" book. hah its quite cheesy, yes, but its damn true. My gf and i speak completely different love languages and once we figured that out it really helped. I'm the "verbal affirmation" type. lol. i guess i'm a needy bitch and need compliments and to be thanked for doing things. verbally appreciated and positively reinforced. she's not like that all so she doesnt naturally "speak" that way. She's the "service" type which appreciates things being done for her, like acts of kindness and jobs and helping, etc. so all i need to do to make her day is vacuum the living room. woot.

7/18/2008 9:46:45 AM

how old are you and her?

7/18/2008 10:43:07 AM

NEED

MORE

DETAILS

7/18/2008 10:50:33 AM

.
[Edited on July 18, 2008 at 11:17 AM. Reason : .]

[Edited on July 18, 2008 at 11:18 AM. Reason : nm]

7/18/2008 11:17:37 AM

^^^^I felt like a greedy sob after reading about the love languages stuff, since I like to get stuff.

Otherwise:

NEED

MORE

DETAILS

7/18/2008 11:23:42 AM

I'm curious how old you two are and how long you dated before getting married.

And also if there is a baby involved.

[Edited on July 18, 2008 at 12:04 PM. Reason : ]

7/18/2008 11:47:48 AM

Stick it out for a while, but make sure you give it a fighting shot every day.

7/18/2008 11:51:20 AM

Quote :

"or should I try to give it another shot"

As in, you're not currently giving it a shot each and every day?

Are you two still in high school? This isn't how marriages work. Man up and work through it.

[Edited on July 18, 2008 at 12:03 PM. Reason : .]

7/18/2008 12:02:30 PM

How is this situation hypothetical?

7/18/2008 12:04:37 PM

Quote :

"why did you get married in the first place? these seem like things to work out before hand. "

7/18/2008 12:12:09 PM

Quote :

"As in, you're not currently giving it a shot each and every day? Are you two still in high school? This isn't how marriages work. Man up and work through it."

If you are seriously thinking about separation as an option, after giving up less than a years time to making a marriage work, then I'm afraid you don't really understand what a marriage is.

Also, marriage advice from TWW? Really? Talk to your wife man, not these fools.

7/18/2008 12:12:18 PM

Quote :

"sounds like a typical marriage to me"

suck it up

7/18/2008 12:15:12 PM

i'm not married, so i can't empathize fully

but this sounds goddammned pathetic

based on only the information here, i think you need to get your head out of your ass, and not take the sanctity of marriage so lightly

7/18/2008 2:33:06 PM

this dude disappeared

makes me think he doesn't REALLY care what tww thinks

7/18/2008 3:33:16 PM

^ Anyone who actually cares what TWW thinks has bigger issues.

7/18/2008 8:19:26 PM

ugh i just read this whole thread only to find out that mitch taylor has provided us with 0 additional info to his hypothetical marriage situation

i hate cliff hangers.

7/18/2008 10:12:58 PM

In case anyone didnt know why he is 15 and in lasers.

7/18/2008 10:28:05 PM

Well played!

7/20/2008 2:48:27 PM

you never know the real deal, but i always assume that whenever someone doesn't return to their thread, they don't really care what other people are saying, and usually it's just something fake to get others started.

if he really wanted us to help, you figure he'd be putting forth more. maybe i'm wrong, that's just the feeling i get.

the times when i have created threads about something serious, i keep tabs on them.

7/20/2008 7:07:26 PM

either that or he doesnt spend hours on tww or come here everyday

CAN YOU IMAGINE!?

7/20/2008 7:11:37 PM

maybe he is looking up the meaning of hypothetical.

7/20/2008 7:40:51 PM

^

7/20/2008 8:28:23 PM

You need to ask yourself two simple questions:

1) Is she hot?
2) Does she bwn?

If the answers are both "yes", then STFU and get off the internet. You have just accomplished what 99% of TWW males will never accomplish in their lives, thus any advice you might get here is null and void.

7/20/2008 9:17:49 PM

dannydigtl, I am reading the 5 love languages book right now. Yeah, it may seem cheesy at times, but it's worth the read.

7/21/2008 9:39:45 AM

Quote :

"Recently married, just under a year."

That's all I needed to hear. The first year of marriage is the hardest. There's a lot of adjustment. I remember second guessing my decision to get married SEVERAL times during the first year. I read a lot of books about marriage and the info seemed to help.

Keep things in perspective. It ain't gonna be fun and games 24/7. Marriage is hard work and a lot of that hard work has to do with learning how to live intimately with another person.

If it's that bad then yes do counseling. WHATEVER you do...DO NOT have children. Once they are in the picture it's a whole lot harder to leave a marriage.

7/21/2008 10:54:45 AM

Quote :

"dannydigtl, I am reading the 5 love languages book right now. Yeah, it may seem cheesy at times, but it's worth the read."

I started reading it about 2-3 months ago, good book just cant seem to finish it lol.

7/21/2008 10:56:07 AM