User not logged in - login - register
Home Calendar Books School Tool Photo Gallery Message Boards Users Statistics Advertise Site Info
go to bottom | |
 Message Boards » » Help sawahash with her paper due tomorrow. Page [1]  
sawahash
All American
35322 Posts
user info
edit post

Okay, yeah I put this paper off over thanksgiving break, blah blah, shame on me....but I know there are some of y'all out there that might just be bored enough to help me proof my paper and make sure things sound right....first off...tell me if this sentence sounds okay or if it's really retarded...

This play has several mythological themes interwoven with Amiri’s personal beliefs to develop an overall theme in race and gender relations among black men and white women.

11/30/2008 9:27:54 PM

IMStoned420
All American
15485 Posts
user info
edit post

It sounds a little awkward to use the word "theme" twice in that sentence. Some teachers might take points off because they use slightly different meanings.

11/30/2008 9:29:37 PM

PrufrockNCSU
All American
24415 Posts
user info
edit post

contains instead of has.

into instead of with?

of instead of in.

between instead of among?

[Edited on November 30, 2008 at 9:31 PM. Reason : influences instead of the first themes?]

11/30/2008 9:30:33 PM

sawahash
All American
35322 Posts
user info
edit post

what if I say mythological undertones?

11/30/2008 9:30:33 PM

IMStoned420
All American
15485 Posts
user info
edit post

That sounds like a better word as long as that's what they are. I don't know what you're writing about so I can't say for sure if that's better.

11/30/2008 9:32:01 PM

PrufrockNCSU
All American
24415 Posts
user info
edit post

I was thinking undertones might be good too.

11/30/2008 9:32:11 PM

sawahash
All American
35322 Posts
user info
edit post

This play has several mythological influences interwoven into Baraka’s personal beliefs to develop an overall theme of race and gender relations between black men and white women.



I think this sounds much better...thanks


btw...I'm doing a literary analysis on Dutchman by Amiri Baraka

[Edited on November 30, 2008 at 9:33 PM. Reason : ]

11/30/2008 9:32:27 PM

PrufrockNCSU
All American
24415 Posts
user info
edit post

11/30/2008 9:33:34 PM

IMStoned420
All American
15485 Posts
user info
edit post

cool

11/30/2008 9:34:07 PM

sawahash
All American
35322 Posts
user info
edit post

this is pissing me off...you know, normally I'm great at writing a paper under pressure, but right now my brain isn't working....maybe cause it's so fucking hot in here....anyway...do y'all thing that sounds more like a thesis, or should it be a build up to the thesis?

11/30/2008 9:37:50 PM

ThePeter
TWW CHAMPION
37709 Posts
user info
edit post

you pretty much need to use Baraka whenever possible



[Edited on November 30, 2008 at 9:39 PM. Reason : smaller]

11/30/2008 9:38:56 PM

IMStoned420
All American
15485 Posts
user info
edit post

I thought it sounded like a thesis. But you have to build a whole paper off a thesis statement so it's gotta be your decision to use it or not.

Drink an energy drink. That always gets my mind going.

11/30/2008 9:39:26 PM

PrufrockNCSU
All American
24415 Posts
user info
edit post

>

[Edited on November 30, 2008 at 9:41 PM. Reason : ]

11/30/2008 9:40:54 PM

sawahash
All American
35322 Posts
user info
edit post

Okay so I got my coffee....now...does this paragraph seem like it flows okay to you?

Amiri Baraka’s Dutchman (1964) is a play about a black man and a white woman who meet on a subway. The woman tries to seduce the man by using racially condescending words and tones, and then kills the man when he turns her down. No one on the train, white or black, step in to stop the tragedy and even help to dispose of the body. Baraka uses allusions to myths of the Flying Dutchman and the biblical Adam and Eve throughout the story. Dutchman has several mythological influences interwoven into Baraka’s personal beliefs to develop an overall theme of race and gender relations between black men and white women.

11/30/2008 10:25:21 PM

moron
All American
34902 Posts
user info
edit post

use the words:
subtext
paradigm
pedagogy

and you'll get an A

^ that's good... for a high schooler

[Edited on November 30, 2008 at 10:28 PM. Reason : ]

11/30/2008 10:27:13 PM

ThePeter
TWW CHAMPION
37709 Posts
user info
edit post

Quote :
"No one on the train, white or black, steps in to stop the tragedy and *even help to dispose of the body."


There might be some kind of disagreement between using "No one" and "and even help to dispose of the body". Maybe "...tragedy, and some even..."

11/30/2008 10:27:43 PM

Tiberius
Suspended
7607 Posts
user info
edit post

in the first one:

This play utilizes several mythological influences interwoven with Baraka’s personal beliefs in a thematic exploration of race and gender relations between black men and white women.

11/30/2008 10:28:34 PM

ThePeter
TWW CHAMPION
37709 Posts
user info
edit post

Quote :
"Dutchman has several mythological influences interwoven into Baraka’s personal beliefs to develop an overall theme of race and gender relations between black men and white women."


You're saying the influences interweave into Baraka's beliefs...I'm assuming it should be that his personal beliefs are interwoven into the story, so maybe from instead of "into".

or ^

[Edited on November 30, 2008 at 10:31 PM. Reason : lkj]

11/30/2008 10:29:57 PM

Str8BacardiL
************
41759 Posts
user info
edit post

11/30/2008 10:30:17 PM

moron
All American
34902 Posts
user info
edit post

^^ Tiberius wins that round

11/30/2008 10:30:21 PM

Tiberius
Suspended
7607 Posts
user info
edit post

Amiri Baraka’s play Dutchman (1964) relates the events which follow a subway encounter of a black man and a white woman. The woman crudely attempts to seduce the man, first resorting to racial condescension, and ultimately to murder when her advances are rebuffed. No one on the train, white or black, attempts to interfere with tragedy as it unfolds, and even aid her in disposing of the corpse. Throughout the narrative, Baraka alludes to myths of the Flying Dutchman and the biblical tales of Adam and Eve. The play utilizes several mythological influences interwoven with Baraka’s personal beliefs in a thematic exploration of race and gender relations between black men and white women.

"corpse" is a far more awesome word than "body"!11

[Edited on November 30, 2008 at 10:41 PM. Reason : -]

11/30/2008 10:41:13 PM

sawahash
All American
35322 Posts
user info
edit post

haha holy shit...that's great...so I'm on the 5th floor in the bookstacks...get over here and help me out!

11/30/2008 11:04:41 PM

 Message Boards » Chit Chat » Help sawahash with her paper due tomorrow. Page [1]  
go to top | |
Admin Options : move topic | lock topic

© 2025 by The Wolf Web - All Rights Reserved.
The material located at this site is not endorsed, sponsored or provided by or on behalf of North Carolina State University.
Powered by CrazyWeb v2.39 - our disclaimer.