Do you enjoy the warm company of a woman? Would you like to settle for nothing less than a handshake at the end of each date? If you are like me and said "boy, would I ever!" then sit back and let this proven plan work its magic. First, you have to find the lady that you fancy. The most efficient way to do this is to find the girl who appears to have the lowest self esteem and ask her out on a date. Then, hypothetically, let's say she didn't notice you staring at her cleavage and she accepts. Congrats, you just scored a date. But how will you "score" score with her, you ask? Sit back, listen, and learn.

First of all, you need to remember these two important facts: girls love mysterious men and girls love chases. They love both of these things almost as much as they love over-analyzing things, having boobs, and reading satirical articles that portray women in a negative light. So, I recommend sitting back and allowing me to give you the roadmap to Lotsofsexualactivitytown, population: YOU.

Never answer your phone: this will merely keep the girl in suspense and she won't know where you are or what you are doing. She will naturally assume you are thinking of her and buying some of her favorite type of flowers. She's funny like that.

Insult her on the date: Sometimes girls get a little cocky and think that their three hours of primping before you take her out “matters” and “that you care.” Once again, that's just one of her little quirks so you'll want to keep her on her toes by making a comment about her face being ugly. Or, to avoid a messy confrontation (assuming she'll get all uppity from that remark), I'd suggest waiting until the waitress comes to take your order and immediately ordering the most expensive meal for yourself (the "most expensive" part will make sense later) and a salad for her. She will thank you for keeping an eye on her figure for her and you will resume your pleasant small talk.

Stand her up: There's so much pressure on first dates that sometimes it's best to not even have one. Tell her you will pick her up at 8pm sharp and then never show up. When she calls to see where you are, ignore the phone and if necessary even go to a strip club. Girls love that aloofness and she won't be able to help but get as moist as a delicious cupcake.

Tell her she “looks beautiful tonight;” hand her a single rose: Just kidding, loser. Don't do that.

Don't partake in chivalry: It's the 21st century! Women are equal (not counting salary) and they should be treated as such. You see, when you don't open car doors, regular doors, or your wallet, it makes girls feel independent. And here's a newsflash: women LOVE their independence. If you don't believe me, ask her what she thinks about women having the right to vote and see what her opinion is. You'll probably find that I'm right again as usual. It may sound strange, but the less you spoil her, the more groping you will be entitled to later. (Seriously, there is a strong correlation.) If you're really looking to win big, let her pay for the entire meal. And don't do the "Oh-no-I-insist-upon-paying-for- everything,-no-no- I'll-take-the-check-no,-allow-me,-come-on,- okay,-okay-fine-then- I-feel-we-should-split-it-50/50." Simply don't bring any money with you on the date.


When the check arrives, simply slide it over to her side of the table and wink at her. You might as well start putting the condom on right there in the restaurant, stud.

Don't wear a condom: After being escorted out of the restaurant for applying a condom to your naked body in public, you will be goin' back to her place to fuck ever so sweetly. When you get there, she'll probably be all like "Oh, get another condom out and put it on. I only partake in safe sex." Whatever, condoms are for pussies. (NOT literally though – try to keep up with me here!) With this strategy you can almost guarantee yourself a 2nd date/illegitimate child because you guys can bang but then after you leave, she gets another mystery to speculate over… for 30 days. I call Shotgun on being the godfather!

12/19/2008 11:47:35 PM

holy fucking words. what the fuck have i told you?

I'm Big Business and i approved this message.

12/19/2008 11:48:50 PM

I find the best way to bwn on the first date is to stick my dick in her.

12/19/2008 11:51:04 PM

READ THE FUCKING WORDS

12/19/2008 11:51:20 PM

Roofies

12/19/2008 11:52:43 PM

Do you enjoy the warm company of a woman? Would you like to settle for nothing less than a handshake at the end of each date? If you are like me and said "boy, would I ever!" then sit back and let this proven plan work its magic. First, you have to find the lady that you fancy. The most efficient way to do this is to find the girl who appears to have the lowest self esteem and ask her out on a date. Then, hypothetically, let's say she didn't notice you staring at her cleavage and she accepts. Congrats, you just scored a date. But how will you "score" score with her, you ask? Sit back, listen, and learn.

First of all, you need to remember these two important facts: girls love mysterious men and girls love chases. They love both of these things almost as much as they love over-analyzing things, having boobs, and reading satirical articles that portray women in a negative light. So, I recommend sitting back and allowing me to give you the roadmap to Lotsofsexualactivitytown, population: YOU.

Never answer your phone: this will merely keep the girl in suspense and she won't know where you are or what you are doing. She will naturally assume you are thinking of her and buying some of her favorite type of flowers. She's funny like that.

Insult her on the date: Sometimes girls get a little cocky and think that their three hours of primping before you take her out “matters” and “that you care.” Once again, that's just one of her little quirks so you'll want to keep her on her toes by making a comment about her face being ugly. Or, to avoid a messy confrontation (assuming she'll get all uppity from that remark), I'd suggest waiting until the waitress comes to take your order and immediately ordering the most expensive meal for yourself (the "most expensive" part will make sense later) and a salad for her. She will thank you for keeping an eye on her figure for her and you will resume your pleasant small talk.

Stand her up: There's so much pressure on first dates that sometimes it's best to not even have one. Tell her you will pick her up at 8pm sharp and then never show up. When she calls to see where you are, ignore the phone and if necessary even go to a strip club. Girls love that aloofness and she won't be able to help but get as moist as a delicious cupcake.

Tell her she “looks beautiful tonight;” hand her a single rose: Just kidding, loser. Don't do that.

Don't partake in chivalry: It's the 21st century! Women are equal (not counting salary) and they should be treated as such. You see, when you don't open car doors, regular doors, or your wallet, it makes girls feel independent. And here's a newsflash: women LOVE their independence. If you don't believe me, ask her what she thinks about women having the right to vote and see what her opinion is. You'll probably find that I'm right again as usual. It may sound strange, but the less you spoil her, the more groping you will be entitled to later. (Seriously, there is a strong correlation.) If you're really looking to win big, let her pay for the entire meal. And don't do the "Oh-no-I-insist-upon-paying-for- everything,-no-no- I'll-take-the-check-no,-allow-me,-come-on,- okay,-okay-fine-then- I-feel-we-should-split-it-50/50." Simply don't bring any money with you on the date.


When the check arrives, simply slide it over to her side of the table and wink at her. You might as well start putting the condom on right there in the restaurant, stud.

Don't wear a condom: After being escorted out of the restaurant for applying a condom to your naked body in public, you will be goin' back to her place to fuck ever so sweetly. When you get there, she'll probably be all like "Oh, get another condom out and put it on. I only partake in safe sex." Whatever, condoms are for pussies. (NOT literally though – try to keep up with me here!) With this strategy you can almost guarantee yourself a 2nd date/illegitimate child because you guys can bang but then after you leave, she gets another mystery to speculate over… for 30 days. I call Shotgun on being the godfather!

Be Stephen Colbert

12/19/2008 11:57:56 PM

"Hey, does this smell like chloroform to you?"

12/19/2008 11:58:40 PM

bitch what that smell like

12/20/2008 12:00:06 AM

tell her how beautiful she while looking into her eyes, close in and kiss her.


keep at it until you have panties off and are hitting it from the back

[Edited on December 20, 2008 at 12:03 AM. Reason : how how]

12/20/2008 12:00:14 AM

^this man has never gotten laid. never take his advice

12/20/2008 12:01:06 AM

The next time you put that many words into something you could at least try to make sure some of them are funny.

12/20/2008 12:03:36 AM

THEY ARE ALL FUNNY. IF YOU DISAGREE YOU ARE WRONG AND STUPID AND DESERVE TO DIE

12/20/2008 12:04:36 AM

^^Deserves to die!

12/20/2008 12:04:49 AM

I find it oddly amusing and a bit scary how big of a mancrush BigEgo has on me.

12/20/2008 12:05:42 AM

lol

12/20/2008 12:06:01 AM

^^in your dreams!

12/20/2008 12:06:29 AM

maybe he wants to bwn you

12/20/2008 12:06:32 AM

has anybody mentioned "beer" yet

thats really all you need to know.

add that to "underaged" and POOF you've got a friend.

a BEST FRIEND FOREVER

12/20/2008 12:12:11 AM

beer is good.

12/20/2008 12:13:13 AM

SEND THAT BITCH A SMILEY FACE

12/20/2008 12:13:58 AM

Quote :

"a BEST FRIEND FOREVER"

he's 300 pounds, black, and loves dunkin' yer head in the shitter while he's poundin' YOU in the shitter...in DA BIG HOUSE

12/20/2008 12:29:02 AM

lulz

12/20/2008 12:32:30 AM

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

I can't jelly my cock down your throat.

12/20/2008 12:46:11 AM

I lolled

[Edited on December 20, 2008 at 12:47 AM. Reason : at the last comment, at least]

12/20/2008 12:47:10 AM

You guys are all pussies! Ask her to a late night movie...then Just wait till the Bitch is asleep then ease it in her....Technically not rape she never said no....she was asleep....

12/20/2008 1:12:50 AM

i could have used this (-words) an hour ago.

12/20/2008 1:17:34 AM

^^She cant say no if she is dead, either.

12/20/2008 2:31:03 AM

Holy plagiarism, Batman!

http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1697052

Seriously, the kids these days think nobody knows how to Google anything.

12/20/2008 2:43:07 AM

^you're n00bing all over the thread

12/20/2008 3:16:36 AM

^^that's the first thing i did, lol

There were many lols to be had, esp:

Quote :

" Stand her up: There's so much pressure on first dates that sometimes it's best to not even have one. "

Quote :

"If you're really looking to win big, let her pay for the entire meal. And don't do the "Oh-no-I-insist-upon-paying-for- everything,-no-no- I'll-take-the-check-no,-allow-me,-come-on,- okay,-okay-fine-then- I-feel-we-should-split-it-50/50." Simply don't bring any money with you on the date."

12/20/2008 3:17:31 AM

Why is this not in this thread already?

12/20/2008 4:13:22 AM

Wasn't going to claim to have written it.

12/20/2008 3:25:05 PM

as if most women ever say no these days anyway. (until you marry them)

12/20/2008 3:33:02 PM

12/20/2008 3:34:44 PM

about $250 and a contract (http://raleighescorts.escortdiva.com/inside.php)

12/20/2008 3:34:51 PM

Definitely dont go my route by saying "I just want to hump the shit out off you!". Everything will go downhill from there.

12/20/2008 7:23:41 PM

I've always had relatively good success with that. Perhaps your tone is wrong?

12/20/2008 7:59:57 PM

just whisper "Blow me" in her ear when you guys are alone. it works EVERYTIME !!!!1.

12/20/2008 8:08:02 PM

cliffs . even though i did read any of it. cause anybody knows that if you make a 4 paragraph story on how to get layed on the wolf web, you have never done this.

get the girl giggly drunk treat her like shit. and plow the whore she is. oh and watch cocktail the movie.

12/20/2008 8:56:52 PM

in the butt

12/20/2008 8:57:50 PM

wut wut, in the butt?

12/20/2008 9:54:03 PM

If she don't let me in that asshole on the first date, there won't be a second.

12/20/2008 10:00:20 PM

^that's a solid policy

12/20/2008 10:02:13 PM

play some good music

go slow

and let her have some control if she wants it

12/20/2008 10:50:36 PM

.

[Edited on December 20, 2008 at 10:51 PM. Reason : double post]

12/20/2008 10:50:36 PM

You will know....when she starts having sex with you

12/20/2008 10:56:29 PM

^ precisely. If a chick wants to fuck you after the date, then she will. If she doesn't, then she won't. Nothing you can do will change this fact.

12/20/2008 10:58:05 PM

except roofies

12/20/2008 10:59:11 PM

i stand corrected.

12/20/2008 10:59:40 PM

12/20/2008 11:09:38 PM